Next36

Hi all, new here and hoping for some support and ideas.:)
Im an alcoholic and rather like drinking. I have been sober since Jan 30 2014. My drinking has caused legal trouble, the loss of my children and my lucrative career. I recently regained 50percent custody of my kids and am looking to regain a position in my field. I am on probation for my drinking and will have to explain a "hot" UA from Dec 11 tomorrow to my PO. I am supposed to be done with probation in June, but now who knows. I will likely be put on a SCRAM device tomorrow, among other things.( I did not put society in danger- I was in my own home when the incident occurred) I know this will force me into sobriety, as I have had several 2 to 3 week periods of sobriety out of the fear of going to jail. I am certain I can stay sober while being monitored that closely, and I DO want very badly to live a sober lifestyle. That's the history in a nutshell.:)
My current issue is that I go back and forth between a strong feeling and desire to be sober, and feelings of strong anger that sobriety is a condition to my success in so many areas of my life. The cravings are really strong still, and so is the anger.
My Fiancé hates that I drink, which up until my sobriety date was about once a week for the last year. I'm a binge drinker mostly. I moved into his house in October 2013. We have been together 5 years and I have been an alcoholic all that time. He was well aware of it. He is a recovering cocaine addict who has switched his addiction to marijuana. He recently told me he cannot handle our relationship because of my consistent relapses and drinking. He states he would be happier if I smoked pot instead, which is also not an option.
Any advice folks? I would love some tips on how to deal with my feelings of anger due to this double standard imposed by my fiancé and the legal problems continuing. I have found that exercising really helps the anxiety, and sleeping when I can. I am still having a hard time replacing the activity of drinking with something else. Some days are great and I feel hopeful, but days like this I am full of conflicting emotion and get nothing done at all because I am consumed with thoughts of how hard this is and whether I can succeed, especially living with someone who still has the ability to escape with drugs.
I have no sober friends, and no social outlet. My kids are very wonderful and motivating when I have them, but it's only half the time.
Hope this wasn't one big run on sentence, feel like I just dropped a lot on you all at once.:)
Nonetheless, any advice is appreciated.:a108:

KateL

I understand your dilemma and your fiance's double standards. It's tough. I managed to get sober whilst living with an alcoholic partner,unfortunately, I had to end the relationship in the end. I understand and wish you luck xxx

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR.

There's a lot you've asked us to address. Not sure what to tackle or what I can help with. I can say this though: As long as you resent sobriety, you will struggle with it.

You have to want it; for you. Being forced to do it, while you rationally agree with the idea, grates on you. You have to get sober for you. In your current context, with your pot smoking boy friend, and at some point without the probationary oversight.

Work on your acceptance that you can't drink. Ever. How to do that? Find a recovery program that will teach you how to live sober, how to live without drinking.

Good luck.

Dee74

Hi Next

I think anger is a normal emotion for a lot of us. A lot of us suppressed a lot of rage when we drank, a lot of us feel angry at ourselves for 'wasted years' and a lot of us resent having to quit, or not being 'normal'.

Those kinds of anger usually sort themselves out in time. If you feel it's more than that, or your anger is violent, you may want to consider some anger counselling?

I think Carl's on the money tho, recoverywise - if you feel forced to do this, you're probably not going to get far. You need to feed that part of you that wants very badly to live a sober lifestyle.

Have you consider a real life recovery group like AA or one of the many 12 step alternatives?

D

Next36

Yes, I found an Aa group here in my town that has several meetings. I will go again and try to have a different outlook. I Do very much want to quit drinking, and now have 6 days sober. Just wish it wasn't so darn hard. thanks for the replies.

Cheydinhal

Congrats to you, Next. If exercise helps you, do it as much as possible. The angrier you get, the more you could lift weights, run outside or run on the treadmill til you're exhausted. I've been doing that to deal with my anger that pops up from time to time. It definitely helps, and my body is starting to look pretty good! That always eases anger too

Anna

Yes, Carl is absolutely right. If you are angry and resentful about sobriety, it won't work. I hope you can make some changes in your life that will help you recover. As you said, exercise is a good option and it has really helped me. If you find you have spare time, why not look to do some volunteer work in your community?

Amazingglazier

Next, I understand your anger and resentment. Anger that the courts would impose all those sanctions and such. I was 24 and an alcoholic when I met my other half, she owned a bar and I fell in love! It was bliss at first till I got my first 3 arrests for dui! She was much better at controlled drinking then I was, she has major heart issues and other health problems. She no longer drinks except 1 heineken maybe at dinner when we go out to eat . I am going to be sentenced on Monday for a DUI , my 4 th . My biggest fear is my being put in jail , not for me but for her as she will be alone and if something happens to her I won't be there to help her. You need to worry about you and your kids. Let it go for a better life for you and your kids! Probation, the SCRAM and all that will pass! Good Luck! Stay Strong and Well! ps Volunteering is Relaxing!