copperducky

Good morning!
I am new to this, so please bear with me and feel free to write any suggestions or comments you have.
I have been married for 25 years this year. I LOVE my husband and I LOVE being married. My hubby traveled for nearly 21 years of our marriage and would come home every other weekend. We got to travel a lot to some really cool places and have had a wonderful time. We raised an incredible young man and I thought my life was absolutely perfect. For the last 5 years I have know my husband was possibly an alcoholic. The truth was slow to come out because for one, he traveled. And he was good at hiding it and I was naive to it all. I am woken up now and see it for all it is. He is not abusive in any way...not verbally, not physically...he is gentle as can be. The problem is that I feel so alone even when I am with him. He retired last year and has struggled all year with trying to quit. I still work and when I come home in the evening, he is already staggering down the hall and slurring his speech. The rest of the night is spent in silence because he is usually passed out on his chair. I have approached him several times and he knows he is an alcoholic. He has tried, trust me.
At this point Im just not sure what to do to help myself. I dont want to go to Alanon for personal reasons...but I have no one to talk to. I have started writing in a journal and that actually has helped. I have also been reading as much literature as I can and I do understand the major aspects of alcoholism. Please, anything any of you know that could help us together to conquer this....tell me.

SparkleKitty

Have you ever considered one-on-one therapy for yourself? It's a lot like writing in a journal but then you also get feedback and guidance on moving forward with what you learn.

SeasonlessWorld

I feel very unqualified to respond because I was only in a relationship wih my alcoholic BF for 2 years, but I really relate to part of your post. There are many times when I felt alone with my XBF, like him showing up to valentines day dinner already drunk. There is no way to have a conversation with someone when they are like that. You feel so rejected and confused.

I would suggest reading all the stickies at the top of the pages, read old posts and listen to the advice given by the older wiser members of the forum. Many of them are married or have been. Please take care and welcome to SR

copperducky

I have considered one on one therapy. I even told my hubby that I was going to find a therapist because I could no longer go every day crying. I told him that last Saturday. I have made several calls locally but have not made my decision of which one to go to. I do write in a journal that I started at the first of the year and I have read some of the older posts by members. They also have enlightened me a little. Thank you for your question....keep em coming!

SparkleKitty

If you can actually meet the therapists before choosing one it might be good. I lucked out that the first one I met I stayed with for five years, but it really is about building a relationship with that person so you want to make the right choice. Good luck!

KateL

Youare a wonderful person supporting him. It's never easy xxxxx

spiderqueen

Welcome, copperducky.

I am sorry you are watching the progression of your husband's alcoholism. It really does gradually steal away the person we love, bit by bit, when left untreated.

Is your husband open to any kind of treatment? Would he be willing to have a frank discussion with his doctor to get that ball rolling for himself?

In the meantime, finding support for YOU is essential; it's great that you have recognized that. Keep coming back here to post and read. It's hard at first, but it really helps.

hopeful4

You say he has tried everything. What does that entail??

I also encourage therapy one on one. I also encourage you to open up to at least a couple of close friends and family. Addiction is so very lonley, and I hear that in your post. I promise you, coming out of the dark about it will set you free in many ways and provide you with a support system. As I have said in a few other posts, it is sort of like the air mask on the airplane. You put it on yourself first so you can help those around you.
You cannot be of any help to anyone else if you are not healthy yourself. If you are crying every day you are not in a good place. Addiction is nothing to be ashamed of. Set yourself free from having no one.

Keep in mind, with a therapist, it is not some big committment. If you don't like one, try another. Just keep going so you have someone to help you sort this all out.

Keep posting here also, and read the stickies at the top of the forum. You are not alone, we will walk this with you!

fedup3

You have to put the air mask on you first and I found for myself a therapist is just that mask. I am still going to a therapist after 2 yrs and this is the best place I've been in in a very long time.

ladyscribbler

Please, anything any of you know that could help us together to conquer this....tell me.
If there was an answer to that this forum wouldn't exist. You can only help yourself. If Alanon isn't an option, for whatever reason, then I would also say therapy could be good for you. I am personally doing both and together it has helped a lot. Reading about alcoholism is good, but have you read much about codependency? That type of information can help you to help yourself.
Sorry for what brought you here, but you're in the right place. Welcome. Hope you have a peaceful day.

honeypig

I don't know if ANY of us actually wanted to go to Alanon. In fact, most of us had a certain amount of dread and anxiety! You can find any number of threads on that topic, as well as threads discussing all the different ways people have been helped by Alanon.

I'd suggest you do some searching here for threads of that nature as well as checking out the details of Alanon at their site. Specifically look at the lefthand side of the home page, where you can click links to "Is Alanon for me?" and "What do I expect at my first meeting?", among other topics. You may find that Alanon is quite different from what you expected.

That said, certainly many folks also do well w/o Alanon, but I guess I just want to urge you not to write it off w/o at least giving it a try. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Best wishes!

copperducky

Wow! I truly did not think that I would get so many wonderful responses. Thanks to all of you for your interest and for passing along your thoughts and suggestions. The analogy of the oxygen mask was wonderful and I'm really trying to take that to heart. My hubby is the absolute love of my life and I cannot fathom life without him by my side, but I do realize that what we have now is not what we had before and I think I have expressed myself enough to him these last couple of days for him to realize it too. He says he is just taking one day at a time...slow and easy. I told him last Saturday that the trust we once had is nearly shattered because of his lying about drinking and his stashing empties and hiding his source throughout the house so he can get to it easier. He has cleaned out the house of alcohol and says he understands the trust issue and he is sorry for that. He never said he was sorry before. I don't want to get my hopes up though because those hopes have been erased many times already. I did tell him that in absolutely no way could he blame me for his actions and that only he can fix his problem. He did (AA) about 6 weeks of counseling after he got a DUI last year. But once that court ordered stuff was over...he hasn't gone back. I hope that I have taken the first steps in my own recovery just in writing this. I don't want our marriage to end and I want to do whatever it takes to keep that alive. I realize today, after all of you have given me encouragement, that I need to work on ME first and hopefully he will follow along. Thank you all....you have truly put me in a great mood today!!!!

m1k3

CopperDucky, one of the first things I learned here is the 3 c's.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

What I had to do was let go. My wife's problem wasn't mine to solve. Not because I didn't want to but because I couldn't. I'm sorry you have to go through this but there are no easy answers.

Your friend,

copperducky

Thanks Mike,
I like the 3 c's!!!
I have spent the last year doing so much research...about co-dependency, what health aspects the alcoholic faces, life living with an alcoholic, etc etc etc. Literally nearly every site I visited had the spouse leaving the alcoholic. I don't want that to be the way we end up...we have put 25 years into our marriage and I am not ready to let all that go.
Are you still with your wife?

CarryOn

Welcome, copperducky.

What you describe of having your AH present but not engaged was the way my RAH generally was while active in his addiction...it was like he was gradually withdrawing further & further. He would try to be the life of the party when he was with others, but mostly drank alone and then he was kind of like a zombie. I also found myself crying almost every day.

I agree with looking for a counselor or therapist - one that has a background in addictions and codependency would be helpful. I also suggest learning about detachment and setting boundaries...they are helpful tools for any relationship, but especially so when living with an active A. You can search SR for threads that discuss these tools.

Please keep reading & posting.

m1k3

No, I'm not. I left almost 3 years ago. I felt the same way you did, I couldn't imagine being without her but finally it got to the point I knew I couldn't stay. It happened all of a sudden during her last binge when I was home. I simply reached the point where the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving.

Your friend,

copperducky

Thank you "carryon"
Yes, he does drink alone during the day. I have talked to him only a few times about this problem and about the fact that "we" aren't truly "we" anymore because of it. Usually I would end up in tears and he would be fine for a week or so, but then I could see it starting all over again. I did withdraw into my own head for a long time. But I am coming out now and have been able to tell him things that I am going to do for me.
Thanks for the encouragement....I will continue. You guys are all such good listeners and really are helping!

copperducky

Thank you Mike for being honest with me. I am still going to try to stay together...I have no answers now, but what my heart tells me to do. I will take care of myself, but I do realize that I cant take care of him. Thank you Mike.

Mango blast

Hi Copperducky, welcome to SR.

As you've probably already found in your research, alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease. One of the symptoms is often that the user will believe he/she can quit on their own. My husband kept stalling, delaying, promising, "trying" for a really long time, all the while getting more and more ill. Eventually I finally called for help, turned it over to others to deal with (his boss and manager) and it was the turning point of recovery for both of us. Even if he had turned down help at that time, at least I was ready to finally reach out and get help for myself.

I had tried reaching out before for information, but I didn't push hard for immediate help, partly because I falsely believed I needed to respect his privacy and I thought he had to "hit bottom" before any help would be of use. Part of it was also the run-around on not finding clear answers on a direction to turn or what I could do to turn it over to others. The local hospitals wouldn't take him for detox and I mistakenly had thought rehab wouldn't admit him until he was detoxed. Come to find out (months later after he was finally sober for a week and admitted), the hospital they're associated with can do detox for them. 27 years of marriage, 9 years a member here (I wish I had started my own recovery much sooner) and 2 life-flights to the trauma unit (one after 2 months of being dry on his own and then relapsing), and then still 9 months later before I finally picked up the phone and called for help. At family week at rehab I learned that miracles happen every day, even with people who are coerced into being there. Alcoholism physically effects the frontal lobe of the brain, which also deals with reasoning and anxiety. There are plenty of alcoholics/addicts who subsequently don't use the tools learned there, yet on the flip side of that, there's a much higher chance of recovery with an inpatient program. Whether they came willingly to the program or not wasn't a factor in the end results, but what they chose to do with the info they learned there.

There is no shame or judgement here, at Alanon, AA or actually anywhere else, whether he's drinking or in recovery. You're not alone and neither is he.

copperducky

Ladyscribbler...thank you.
I am enlightened and feeling great about my decision to join SR and I know that the communications for me at least must remain open. I actually feel like now I have at least one great resource with which to pull from. Are you still married?