changeneeded

I'm curious. For those of you who had to leave your A, where did you go?

I read about you, those who made the descision to finally breathe again, how did you do it? Can you give me and those who also are trying to figure what to do how and where to start.

Can some of you give me a breif on what it was like the first few days or weeks?

Is this question asking too much, is it too personal?

Stung

I made my husband leave. He stayed in a hotel for a month until I made it clear that he needed to find an apartment and then I strongly urged him to do a 6 month lease at the minimum while he wanted to go month to month.

First couple of weeks were difficult and sad, but we have very young children and it was right before Christmas, New Years and now my birthday and V-Day. So I was majorly feeling sorry for myself and our children.

Almost 2 months out and I don't really miss him (I do miss the idea of a happy and healthy husband but I didn't have that anyway,) he sees our kids on Saturdays and Sundays for a few hours which gives me a little bit of a breather and our kids get to have a relationship with him but it's in a very controlled environment (our home) and if he even smelled of alcohol I wouldn't let him past our entryway. He and I talk on the phone 3 nights a week at a set time and have passing conversations when he's here on Saturdays and Sundays. He agrees to my demands with no pushback because he's still hoping that he'll figure himself out and that we'll get back together. I hope the same but I'm not holding my breath. For right now, this setup is working for all 4 of us.

lillamy

I ran. Lived with a coworker until I managed to get an apartment,

My plan was to plan, to stash enough money that I could get an apartment, to do it calmly. It didn't happen that way.

iwanthappiness

My story is SO similar to Stings!! About a week before Christmas, I filed a restraining order against my AH (of 18 years) b/c he wouldn't leave our home. My local women's shelter helped me with this process. He lived in a hotel for about a month and now is moving into an apartment. We are new to the area and I had no where to go and didn't feel as though disturbing the kids even more by living in a hotel was fair to them.

I have also opened up my own checking account, found a full time job, found a counselor for me and my kids, and am constantly reading this forum. At first, I was lost without the constant chaos, but now, I am enjoying the peace!!! I am starting to find myself again which was lost years ago.

Having a plan is a great idea. You are NOT alone.

mry

My rAh moved in with his father 16 months ago. He was actively drinking until 5 months ago. It was a complete relief to have him out of the house. The first day he left, I went to an Alanon meeting - I couldn't go before because it wasn't safe for me to leave my kids at home with him. The first days/weeks were pretty scary and guilt inducing. My nightmares stopped and after a few months, I was able to sleep through the night again. My kids began to be able to relax in their own home. Now, he comes over 1 night a week and for a few hours on Sat and Sunday. While I miss companionship and having a partner, I don't miss him.

JustAGirl1971

Thank you for this thread. It's nice to hear the experiences of others, changeneeded. I'm looking forward to the calm, quiet, & peace they all mention. My AH hasn't left yet, but he is leaving. It makes more sense for me to stay since the kids will be with me (teens/young adults.) My backup plan was a small 3 bedroom apartment in a complex about 2 miles away that would allow our cats and was reasonably priced.

Charmed3

I left for the 3rd and final time. I have been out for almost 5 months.

The first 2 times, he knew I was leaving and I got an apartment. He kept drinking, wasn't going to work and our home was behind in payments. Between his promises to get sober and fear of losing our house and the equity that I needed to get my own place, I foolishly went back.

This time was different. After I was done being upset, angry and depressed because he started drinking again, I started planning.

First I had a consultation with an attorney to find out my options. My plan was like lillamy's, I was going to get things out little by little, save money and stay calm. His anger escalated, so I spoke with my family and agreed to live with a family member until I could get in to a better financial situation. I left while he was gone with only the things that mattered the most.

The first 24-48 hours were like heaven. I shut off my phone and just enjoyed being out of the crazy environment. I was already attending al-anon again, I started back to counseling and tried my best to not engage when he started his crap which is difficult. I figured out if I engaged, things only got worse. When I ignored his stuff, it allowed me to be calm, peaceful and get back to thinking and planning.

The next 2 months were very tough but I did one day, one hour at a time. Then came the holidays and again I took a dive again. I had many days where I laid in bed most of the day crying. But then I would pick myself up, dust myself off and get back to focusing on me and my future.

My counselor told me that even though I was really struggling at 2 weeks out, to keep in mind the emotional side is something we go through but that in 3 months things would be and feel different, then 6 months and a year and so on and it will be ok. Different but still ok. And she is right, it is still difficult, still painful but I am getting stronger every day.

The most important things I learned that have helped me.
1) See an attorney
2) Make a plan (if you can do so safely)
3) Save money (if you can)
4) Stay with someone (if you can), being alone for some makes the process more difficult.
5) Attend Al-anon
6) Talk to a counselor, talk with trusted family or friends. It helps keep you grounded.
7) Expect the unexpected.
8) Believe in yourself and that you deserve peace and happiness.

Another thing that helped. Writing everything down in a journal. Whenever he made me feel weak, I read my journals and talked with people to remind myself why I left and why I was never going back.

atalose

For a long time I stuck to a plan I had in my head. Keep putting money aside, pay off debts and then move out to my own place. I realized that plan was just one big excuse that kept me engaged with the madness.

I had family near by but again my thinking was I didn’t want to regress and move back home with my parents I wanted to be on my own, another big excuse for staying in an unhealthy place.

So what that I had to move back home, at least I moved out and on with my life in a more positive way. And right now it works for me and I am able to help my aging parents.

I have peace of mind I have serenity and no more of the madness!!!

CAPTAINZING2000

Left my wife, moved in at a friends second house he had.
The courage to finally leave was hard but, my peace and serenity was taxed to the limit.
I'm making a new start and we will see how it all goes.

blake1989

I feel that since we weren't married and didn't have kids - we were just inseparable - my scenario was maybe easier logistically, legally. But I basically had to run. The last week has felt like being some kind of domestic navy seal - dodging her harassment, staying in hotels, staying in another city with a friend, looking over my shoulder when I go to work, friends in far off places texting to see if I'm still ok.

As frantic as I sound on here (yes I'm still terrified), I did have a plan of some sort. I had numbers to call if she threatened to hurt herself, or me. I researched scenarios. I found a time to break up when I knew she'd be in what I thought was the safest environment for her (codependent break up thinking I guess).

What has it been like? Heartbreaking to see her losing her mind, flip flopping between disparaging, explicit drunken voicemails and please take me back emails, pleading emails that she will never drink again, then saying it's my loss. I can almost feel the fire raging in the distance. I had to change my email and phone number. I don't feel safe yet.

There is a thread that never left my memory and maybe I should post it here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-support.html

formyboys

I moved out after 16 years of going back and forth with his promises to quit, with his leaving and coming back. I had never left before and he knew I was serious, He joined AA and started an 18 month out pt. rehab. Before the end of that program he started another relationship and I found out by catching them in our bed. For the next year he did more damage to our kids and our relationship then he had in the 16 years of drinking. All while sober. I realized I had not moved far enough away from his BS so I moved to another state. It has been one of the hardest things I have gone through but not nearly as hard as watching someone you love and care about drink themselves to death. I still miss that man I married every day...but that man is dead and gone.

iSPAZ

I made the mistake of trusting XAW to have our families best interest in mind as things started falling apart. I began going to counseling and Alanon. When she found out I was in Alanon she really turned up the heat. Bank accounts were cleaned out. She purchased a new Lexus that I had to pay for a large portion of and since she had the cash to attorney up I was left being reactionary not proactive. She ended up with a new paid of Lexus paid for with money from my fathers inheritance. Once the divorce proceedings began I was unable to touch any asset and did not have the ability to pay my attorney and had to borrow from family to make the original payment to attorney. She had opened accounts that I had no access to and was heavy with cash. She was still able to access my accounts and phone records during the proceeding which left me at a huge disadvantage. I finally had to face the facts that I had been out maneuvered and had a choice of bankrupting both of us or just giving into her demands. Now she has a new big house, a paid off Lexus and plenty of cash to party with. She has been through about 10 or so BF since she left and is now with one that she was cheating with prior to her leaving. We went from having a house that was one year from being paid off, a beautiful family farm that had been saved for for years, all our vehicles paid for and still money spare to having to refinance the house and give her all the equity, selling the farm to pay her cash and losing most of my inheritance to the tune of about 40k. All so she could continue to party. My daughter had originally moved in with her but then moved back home with me due to all the parties and strange drunk men. The court order only allowed me to buy groceries, pay bills and buy gas. I wish I had hidden cash prior to the melt down. There were weeks I could not buy groceries as the court order forced me to maintain the farm prior to its liquidation.

Thumper

I asked him to leave and he would not. I went to talk to an attorney to see what my options were and a plan was developed to force him to leave the house. Basically that plan was a petition for divorce with the temporary use of the house, custody, and child support. This meant if he didn't leave willingly I could have the police escort him out.

There was a bunch of typical alcoholic/co-dependent playing around so the plan wasn't followed as intended (which is one of my biggest regrets - would have been so much better had I followed it) but ultimately he did leave, we were divorced, the house was sold as part of the divorce, and I found a new one.

ladyscribbler

I also left rather suddenly. I had returned home after a 2 month trial separation last summer and he started on a huge bender almost immediately- he didn't have money for doctor and dentist checkups so ds4 could start preschool, but he had money to drink. He'd also been drinking the entire time I was gone and lying about getting help and going to meetings.
The boys and I have been staying with my mom while I work and save money for us to get a place. Thinking of renting a house with my brother if we can find something suitable this spring.
I allowed axb's mother and father to have ds4 for Christmas week, and have worked on maintaining those relationships with weekly phone calls every Sunday. He also talks to his dad when he is sober enough to be coherent, which is sadly a rare occurence- 7 or 8 conversations in six months. I'm planning for gp's to have another visit this summer while ds12 is with his gp's (his father passed away in July, so I also make sure he has contact with that side of the family- calls and visits)
I go to alanon and individual therapy, and ds12 is doing a grief counseling program at the hospice here for kids who have lost a parent. He's making friends and even went to a school dance last Friday. Ds4 is absolutely thriving in preschool and blossoming now that he's out from under the shadow of his father's alcoholic rages. Every part of our lives has improved. I waited too long to leave, but it's such a relief every day that I'm gone.

PippiLngstockng

We had a little apartment in Europe and a big house in the US. I got a restraining order and stuck with the children and apartment. He's in the big house with the two cats he hasn't lost yet while the house depreciates rapidly from his neglect.

I have lawyers, a domestic violence counselor, an employment counselor and am surviving by the grace of God, a negligible amount of alimony/child support and financial emergency help from my mother until the public aid and employment kick in.

The lawyers will take most of the eventual money from my assets, but I have my beautiful children and my wits and my never ending joy at being part of this amazing planet with you all.

Most importantly, to get through it, you have to believe in yourself.

theuncertainty

I started planning to leave (relatively) long before I was able to.

1. I opened a bank account without AXH's name on it and that he didn't know about. Since the other saving and checking accounts were mine that I'd just added his name to, and he was overdrawing both very regularly without putting anything in, I told him I was removing him from the accounts on <date> (well in advance of my target leave date). I did this fully aware that it meant I would then be solely responsible for paying for everything because he would to refuse to give any money for our mutual bills. I figured it'd be easier to pay them on my own without him drinking or using away both his paycheck and mine...

2. He'd never wanted his name on my credit cards, so I didn't need to worry about changing those, but I did have to worry about paying them off even though most of the charges were ones I agreed to do for his business - to help him out and that he would pay back... small price to pay to be able to walk, IMO.

3. I told him and his sister, who had purchased a truck for him / his business under her name, that I was taking the truck off my insurance by <date> (again in advance of my target date) and did so. Again, it was my policy that I'd added him onto, so taking him off was probably easier than it would have been if it was his policy or "our" policy.

It was amazing to realize that most of the financial liabilities were pretty much in my name alone.

4. I started saving what I could in my hidden account to be able to put towards 1st/last/security deposit on an apartment, and for the deposits I knew would be required for the utilities. And I saved extra so I could pay AXH's stuff for a month beyond my leaving (in an attempt to alleviate my guilt and head off any anger from him about me leaving him with bills due).

5. I found an apartment in a secure building and signed on the dotted line. When I set up the utilities for my new apartment, I made sure my name was taken off of the utilities for the old place.
*I would now get written confirmation from the utilities that I was off the bills, because the electric company rep said "done" but didn't actually hit confirm or whatever on the change and months later I had to go back and forth with them when AXH stopped paying his bill, before they agreed I was no longer responsible.

6. A few days before I actually moved out, I told him and his family (who were our landlords).
*In retrospect, I would change that: I'd just go - no notice. I was incredibly lucky that he thought (and said) I wouldn't stay gone, that he thought I couldn't take care of myself or DS, because it could have been very dangerous. (This is more related to his abusive behavior rather than addiction, so may not be pertinent to others.)

7. I moved furniture and household wares as much as I absolutely needed and that I could handle.
*I'd now make sure that I took much more of my not-necessary but sentimentally valued stuff than I did. I had assumed he'd let me get it later, which was a very naive assumption.

The first few weeks / months were amazing. DS and I slept so well. We were able to go out and do things that we hadn't been able to do when living with AXH like just take off for the park, or down to the lagoon to see the ducks. It was fun. DS started to come out of his shell more and more and became a silly goofball who liked to tease and laugh and play, instead of being a quiet little dude who was just all eyes.

It was different for me. I started to realized just how abusive the relationship was and started having massive anxiety issues to go with the depression I'd been struggling with. I'm thankful that the building I'd moved into was a secure building and that I was on the 4th floor of the building; it helped alleviate some of the fear. I found a therapist and started working through the issues with her and took a self-defense course at the university. I found a therapist for DS, and after the divorce started was actually able to get AXH's signature that DS could see her. So DS was able to get the additional support he needed and I was able to have her help and my T's help on safety planning for when DS had to go see his father.

Finances were relatively easier to manage the first year on my own. It changed when the lease expired and the management gave notice that the rent would be increased and then my dad moved out of the city so I lost my daycare. But other options came available and budgets tightened; DS and I moved in with my sister and her family and I slowly got to a point where I could support DS on my own without having to rely on family.

It took time and it wasn't always easy (understatement), but it was worth it.

changeneeded

I am so appreciative of your willingness to share your stories. The common thread is amazing yet not surprising at all to me:

It was so peaceful... have you all noticed that?

CAPTAINZING2000

At some point we have to drawn a conclusion nothing changes unless something changes.
At least the wife was sober. Her kids kept moving back in with their kids and bf. they had money to drink on, no money for rent. I would make plans to go to a aa meeting the mom wouldn't ever come home from work . I would end up watching my step grand kids call the people I was supposed to pick up or ride with and tell them I couldn't go to the meetings.
The house was always a mess and the wife was allowing her daughter to money from my savings account.
Hopefully, this month or next I can get away from the insanity, codependency and enabling.
I know know, how insane you can become by being in a unhealthy marriage full of sick people.

worriedmind

I just left last week. My sister was in town and I had been telling her about how bad things have been lately. She had already offered to help with a deposit on an apartment but I couldn't take that from her. She told me that my best friend had emailed her a few months ago asking if there was anything she could do. I decided to talk to my dad, and she helped me with that. For some reason, I knew once I told him, I couldn't go back. We've broken up many times but always ended up back together. Things would be good for a while and eventually go back into the same dysfunctional alcoholic-codependent cycle. I've been staying at my Dad's for a little over a week. We have to be out of our apartment by April 1st. Most of my stuff is still there. I just have some clothes/bathroom crap.

I'm really lucky. I had nothing saved, and if I had to do it on my own, it would have taken a long time. I know many people on here don't have it as good as I do.

I felt really sad the day I went and had him sign paperwork for me to get off the lease, and I spent last friday there with him and his daughter. I thought about going there this friday, but I've concluded that it's a bad idea. His daughter won't be there this time, it would just be us. I'm feeling oddly content, but I know if I go there Friday, it will set me back emotionally.

I'm just starting, so we'll see how things go in a few weeks/months.