JustMe79

Dating an Alcoholic?
I have dated an alcoholic for three months now who was working on quitting. I told him I couldn't stay with him if he drank, my dad was an alcoholic. He ended up drinking shots during that time. And admitted to it. I broke it off 8 days ago and now today he wants another chance. Says he will try harder. :/ He is so sweet and treats me great, honest as ever. He can't lie.

I think he has withdrawls from it. How can he successfully quit? He has a full time job but drinks most nights, he has cut down a lot tho. Used to drink vodka all the time. He's been drinking since age 14 and he's 28 now... He drinks to deal with stress etc. IDK help?

AlcoholicLove

My advice-RUN.
Short, sweet and to the point.

Hope4Life

You set your boundary and he crossed it. You followed through and did what you said you were going to do. If you take him back now, you will just be enabling him. He is the only one who can make the decision to stop drinking. You CANNOT save him from himself or convince him to stop... he has to want it and have the determination to follow through.

I assume you are near his age. You are young and have most of your life ahead of you. Should you give him another chance? Only you can answer that. If you decide he is worth it.... you need to be prepared for him to drink again and make your life miserable. What will you do if it happens again?

I'm sorry that you are being put in this situation. Look back at your experience with your father. Is that the type of life that you want to live in the future?

Now, after saying all that.... it is POSSIBLE for him to get sober and for your relationship to work. That will have to be based on him NEVER drinking again. Can he commit to that?

You have some hard questions to find answers to. I am sorry that I could not give more definitive advice but I also had an alcoholic father. Growing up with him was HELL and I would hate to see you start a family and repeat the same thing you went through...

Jess54

In another post I stated this...It is very difficult to trust people that are addicted to alcohol/drugs. They will look you right in the eye and tell you that they are clean and that they are ready to overcome their addiction and will do whatever they must do in order to stay with you. They will beg for your forgiveness and tell you that they have learned their lesson this time and will never drink/use again. It's a vicious cycle.

I dated an alcoholic/addict who had 3 relapses while we were together (it's quite possible that he used more often than this and I never caught him). Each time he begged me to forgive him and said he has learned his lesson and will do whatever it takes to stay clean/sober. He told me that he wanted to be with me and chooses a life with me over drinking/drugs. Sadly, after the 3rd relapse I figured out that he doesn't yet have the internal motivation to change (at this time or ever) and that he cannot change for me. I left him. We were not dating long and I was already feeling anxious and untrustworthy of him. I would worry about his safety and whether or not he would get arrested, etc. I started to think about the future with this person and I realized that I better get out NOW or I am going to suffer greatly in the future. I'm not saying that your boyfriend will be like my former one, but I would be extremely cautious of him asking for forgiveness and telling you that he will get better. If he does not want it for himself, then he will not stay sober.

If he has alcohol withdrawals, I would suggest that he enroll himself into an inpatient treatment program that offers detox. Alcohol withdrawals can be deadly and he may need to be medically monitored while he safely comes off the alcohol. Since he has a long history of alcoholism and appears to be physically dependent, inpatient would probably be the best route for him, followed by outpatient treatment and 12-step meetings. I wish you and him the best of luck.

Stung

Here's what I think based on what I know about alcoholism (not much .) Lets say he's serious and he starts a recovery program tomorrow, during those first 12 months of recovery it is generally suggested that a recovering alcoholic NOT be in a relationship at all so they can focus on their recovery. So maybe you can tell yourself that IF he is serious and gets sober and stays sober maybe you can pick things up with him again in a year. Seems like the least risk scenario for both of you.

Shadydeal

It's tough and I can't tell you what to do....certainly people tried to tell me! I wish I had invested in the finest running shoes! Like many my situation Was exteremly painful, a constant roller coaster & constant battle for my XABF. No happy ending here for either. Whatever you decide be very careful & take care of yourself it can be very damaging to you as a person. Best wishes

SeasonlessWorld

My ex and I broke up several times before I finally had it. Everytime he asked to come back I let him. You say he treats you well, yet you are here on this forum asking for help. You wouldn't be here unless something serious had happened. I came to this forum because I was afraid of what I already knew, that he wasn't going to change. I came to this forum instead of to my family and friends because I knew if I told the people that loved me what was really going on I wouldn't be able to trick myself in to staying. I do believe people can change but not without insight. When someone is actively addicted to alcohol insight is in very short supply.

CodeJob

Why do you seek an A 'like your father'? Perhaps a counselor or a COA focused Al Anon group could help you tease this out.

lillamy

Everyone can lie. Some people are just way more convincing than others. Alcoholism, as any addiction, is a powerful force that protects its continued progress at all costs.

When we talk about lying, we usually mean "deliberately misleading someone" -- I'm not even sure addicts have the "deliberately" part covered. I think half the time they are so good at lying because they have first believed what they then end up telling you.

That's the addiction convincing them.

I also know that addicts tend to have this creepy ability to spot a codependent potential partner a mile away. I would agree with CodeJob that working through what growing up with an alcoholic father has done to you would be my first step, before considering another relationship with an alcoholic.

Pia

How do I love thee let me count the tears, anxiety, fustration, depressions, temper, lying, shadyness, health problem, heath scares, ruined special occasions, not dependable, cheating, financial woes, dui,shall I go on???

All this can be yours if you choose to stay.

GraceNDesire

Run before you get in any deeper. I have been married 23 yrs 15 of which he's drank heavily. Before your stuck leave!

atalose

I notice he didn't say he'll quit - he'll just "try harder". This guy is no where near ready to give it up and maybe never will be.

Alcoholics lie.

There are millions of sweet guys out there that don't have drinking/drug issues.........see if you can find one of them.

Woodman123

I hate that I have become so cynical, but RUN... seriously. There are MANY days that I wish I had known my wife's future as an alcoholic back when we were dating. it would have been SO, SO, SO much easier to have gotten off the crazy train back then.

You have your whole life ahead of you- don't start it out with someone with this disease- it will only bring you heartache.

Thumper

He was an alcoholic 8 days ago, he is an alcoholic today, and he will be an alcoholic tomorrow.

My advice is to stick with your original boundary - don't stay with an alcoholic.

hopeful4

Run in the other direction....very very quickly. I am sorry.

marie1960

"He can't lie."


^^^^^^^^^^^

Shaking head in utter disbelief.

So 3 months into a new relationship, you find yourself here at SR, (and while I am glad you found us for support) you already know there is something very, very wrong in this equation.

Oh honey, Run, Run fast, Run far, Run like the wind.

I too am sorry, and we understand, but 3 months, is a very small drop in the bucket in the big picture of life,

YOU do not deserve this kind of daily fresh hell that comes with being involved with an alcoholic.

graceandbeauty0

I dated my exabytes for 6 years almost and around 3 months I found out that he had a problem and I decided to stay because he said he would try to stay clean and sober. After 6 years and about 8-9 rehabs, jail time, and him moving to another state I ended up with my heart broken into a million pieces. Don't get me wrong I loved my bf and the break up is fresh so parts of me still want him back because he is clean now but doesn't guarantee he'll be clean for the rest of our lives. Say some prayers and make sure you know what you can handle. God bless

iwanthappiness

I would have to suggest.......that you put your running shoes on and RUN! It's NOT worth the pain!

velma929

I knew my late husband had a drinking problem before we married. I thought with time he'd outgrow the need to get drunk. Certainly this was just a bad habit from his youth.

For 25 I dealt with his drinking. It never got better. It steadily got worse. When we married he was a functional alcoholic, and could still hold a job. He was a computer programmer when we met. He'd been fired three times in six years when he died. I won't bore others, but the run-down is here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-everyone.html

"Try harder." Sigh. You don't have to drink the kool-aid. There is no life without stress. Keeping a relationship together is stressful, jobs are stressful (or they're boring, and other alkies use that as an excuse)

Try reading the threads on "What Normies wouldn't know."
Imagine what it will be like when he has money for booze, but not car repairs.
Or vacations.
Or home improvements.

Imagine what it will be like when he has $300 a month budget for his drinking, but can't spare $20 for a gift for you at holidays. I'm thinking his income will be modest, since at 28 his life is already stressful.

Start thinking now what it will be like when he reaches a point when he's reluctant to do anything that doesn't allow him to drink as much as possible. Late husband had to be practically strong-armed to travel out of state to his daughter's wedding.

He's been an alcoholic for 14 years, half his life. Not only has he not stopped, he's not trying to stop. He hasn't expressed interest in stopping.

Late husband died almost four years ago. You know how when people die, someone always says, "He's in a better place"? I certainly hope so. Late husband wasn't happy here.

I miss LH, but I'd be lying if I didn't tell you how much of a relief it is to come home to a place that's peaceful. Quiet, yes. Lonely, sometimes. I spent 25 years compensating, for another's drinking and praying it would stop.

After two and a half years of widowhood, I met a man who seemed to be a very good match. He got antsy because we couldn't have drinks at the diner five minutes from my house. Could we buy wine and bring it in, he asked. No. He kept a gallon of Scotch at his home, another at his vacation home, and bought one for my house (he would have been there two weekends a month.) I saw the handwriting on the wall. I sent him away.

I've met someone new. We've been together for a year. You can't imagine what it's like, after 25 years of walking on eggshells to be with someone who is sober. Frankly, I don't want you to "know" as I do what that's like.

NorCaliGal

^^ yes!