patricia68

I had a rough day today.

My husband and I had a huge fight. Money problems...ugh! But who hasn't money problems nowadays?! I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to argue with him, although we did for a while. And instead of leaving him alone to calm down and wait for a better time to discuss our problems...I remembered I had half a pint of rum in the recycling bag in the garage...and I went and dug in the bag and drunk what was left...
How pathetic is that?

least

Now you've identified one of your triggers. What can you do differently the next time this happens so that you don't drink over it?

Forgive yourself, learn from it, and move forward again.

CAPTAINZING2000

You've drawn your own conclusion that what you did wasn't a good solution.
You were on the right track with letting things calm down during your disagreement though.
Hope you and your husband are able to reach a compromise

patricia68

I guess I felt guilty because I've been spending so much on booze during the past 6-8 weeks and now there's no money for truck repairs. So I got defensive, I blamed it all on him...when it was all my fault.

I need to stop this nightmare. My biggest triggers are anger and panic, and I still don't know how to cope with them.

Hevyn

Hi Patricia. I fell back on it many times - I'd used it to cope for so many years. Of course it never actually did anything to help - just took the edge off my feelings & nothing was resolved. When I finally admitted that it didn't improve any situation or help me solve any problem I was able to let go of it. All it does is make our anxiety worse - it's not our friend.

You realize you gained nothing by caving - that's the main thing. This can be the last time it ever happens. Glad you wanted to talk it over here.

patricia68

Thank you. I just don't want to hide my problem anymore. It is embarrassing to come here and admit that I failed once again, but at the same time it is a relief to know that this is the only place I can come for advice, strenght and support. (I live in a tiny town, no AA here).
I guess the only positive thing about this is that I am learning from my mistakes. Cliche or not "Rome wasn't built in a day". I want to get rid of this destructive addiction. And all I have is you guys' experience and advice. I think I am pretty lucky honestly. No matter how many times I failed, I will succeed eventually. Hope is what is keeping me going every single day. Thank you!

Cheydinhal

Hey Patricia - when my husband and I argue, I now call my Mom to have her pray with me over the phone and encourage me. Before, I would drink to forget about my problems but now I have told my mom about my being a recovering alcoholic and I have so far called her instead of taking a drink. It's definitely helped me, and now I have a different way of coping with difficulties.

malcolmsloan

Sounds like you are in a good place with this, Patricia. Keep moving forward. Money's super tight for us, too. I try to really focus on playing the tape forward, past the drink that seems like it will help: always ends ugly, solves nothing. You got this.

patricia68

I just watched "Man of Steel" with my husband. Not my kind of movie at all! I found it terribly boring, but in some way, I enjoyed hanging out with him. I rubbed his back, made him a snack, and just tried to remember how much I used to enjoyed his company.

And you know what? I ended up feeling very relaxed and forgetting all about drinking.

If I could only stop listening to those paranoid terrifying thoughts...and just focus on me (not in a selfish way), just focus on being healthy and confident, and safe! After all I don't live in a war zone, nobody around me is dieing...why am I so terrified all the time?! Why do I need alcohol to go through the day?

Where do I find my old confidence...? I used to think I could conquer the world on chocolate milk...now I can barely survive breakfast time without booze...ugh

360shoes

It's still there. That's the booze talking about how you can't survive without it. It's a big fat lier. I fell for it too. Give yourself some distance from it, learn to comfort yourself. Confidence comes after the action. Rarely before. It was all scary at first to me too. It was the build up of a lot of next days lined up where I didn't drink the night before that helped my confidence.

You can do it Patricia68.

Dee74

it's hard to break the cycle - life will always deliver those 'reasons for drinking'.

The way out is to try hard to make different healthier, positive choices - instead of drinking, what about posting here instead Patricia?

D

1978

Patricia, thanks for the post. You can beat this because you're clearly having rational thoughts about the impact of your drinking and what you know life would be like without it. I know how tough it is though. You're posting on these forums which is a big step towards reaching your goal. I think many of us fall over some hurdles on the way to our goal of quitting for good but you will get there. A life without alcohol is far more rewarding and happier the with alcohol. I wish you all the best.

patricia68

Today I woke up after only 2 hours of sleep shivering and panicky.
I am telling everybody that I'm coming down with a cold...so I managed to stay in bed most of the morning...just feeling sorry for myself.
Oh I can deal with broken bones, any kind of physical pain, but the panic...It's unbearable!

Dee74

you never need to feel like this again Patricia.
I'd take a look at what you've been doing for your recovery - what can you add to that?

how can you find more support?
what other changes can you make?

D

patricia68

'Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a Champion'...that's what keeps me going right now. My only hope.

Today I'm just focusing on surviving. Making it to bed time and be able to sleep through the night. I know it will get better, but this panic is freaking me out right now.

When it gets really bad I remember a few nights ago when I was sitting in my deck, drinking a cup of tea and I felt at peace (I didn't drink alcohol that day). And I pray...I pray that I will be able to feel that peace again.

The most annoying thing, I don't even know why am I so panicky. I just have this strong feeling of "doom and gloom". Please tell me this is just my body asking for more alcohol, the end of the world is not coming right? Ah I think I'm losing my mind!

Cheydinhal

Good for you Patricia - it is the AV talking, definitely. I started reading the book The Addictive Personality and it talks about how people who have addictions thrive on fear. It's so true too. It eases with time and good habits.