round and round and round
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 12
round and round and round
Just when it seems like I open up every so slightly to the possibility that I could find happiness with my RAH, another blow seems to come. It seems as if he is constantly taking. Financially, emotionally. I've realized that I cannot change him. But I thought maybe we could be a family just a little bit longer, until the baby is born (eight months pregnant), until she starts walking, etc.
The latest issue is financial. Without getting into details, he is requesting money for expenses dating back as far as 1.5 years ago. I know some of the stuff is bogus, and some I have already paid him for. He is totally draining me.
Is this common???
The latest issue is financial. Without getting into details, he is requesting money for expenses dating back as far as 1.5 years ago. I know some of the stuff is bogus, and some I have already paid him for. He is totally draining me.
Is this common???
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
When I first moved in with ABF I got a very QUICK rude awakening when I found out ALL of the bills were behind. In the first 2 months I dropped more than $2K just getting things current. I hadn't even realized how much it was until Christmas started looming just around the corner and I was starting to really fret about money...so I went back through my receipts/checkbook and added it all up.
I told ABF that I had spent over $2K on getting HIS past-due bills caught up and couldn't afford anything else...so MERRY CHRISTMAS from me! This year you get electricity, heat, water, propane, cable, and food!
I know - petty.
We have discussed in detail what bills are due, split it down the middle...and each pays exactly half. My half pays for all of the utilities, toiletries and groceries...his half pays the mortgage. If he's short due to buying too much alcohol or going to the bar (or whatever) then HE pays the late fees and penalties. I don't budge an INCH.
I told ABF that I had spent over $2K on getting HIS past-due bills caught up and couldn't afford anything else...so MERRY CHRISTMAS from me! This year you get electricity, heat, water, propane, cable, and food!
I know - petty.
We have discussed in detail what bills are due, split it down the middle...and each pays exactly half. My half pays for all of the utilities, toiletries and groceries...his half pays the mortgage. If he's short due to buying too much alcohol or going to the bar (or whatever) then HE pays the late fees and penalties. I don't budge an INCH.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I guess you guys have separate bank accounts? I don't think that's normal. My married friends that have separate accounts either have set amounts that they contribute every month to cover joint expenses or they just figure that things will equal out over time, like I paid for things a little bit more this month, next month I'll cover things a little less.
Personally, I wouldn't reimburse him for more than 15-30 days in the past or flat out tell him no.
Personally, I wouldn't reimburse him for more than 15-30 days in the past or flat out tell him no.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
How long has he been in recovery and is he working a program? Do you have your own counselor and/or a marriage counselor yet?
My husband's been sober for 7 weeks, with 4 in rehab and not working a program yet at home. So much going on internally, but he redirects it to everything else. It really is draining. I'm glad I went to Alanon yesterday and wish there were daily meetings available. Dealing with a recovery alcoholic husband is hard enough, but being 8 months pregnant on top of it all is understandably stressful!
Things won't change overnight. One day at a time. Straight out telling him no is a good idea. You can work out another way to take care of bills in the future. You could also request to table this issue for a certain number of months.This isn't just up to him. You're entitled time to work your recovery in the way you need to. I'm finding that I often revert to old ways of non-communicating (self-protection). When I've had time to think things through, I'm usually able to communicate better and use these new skills I'm learning.
My husband's been sober for 7 weeks, with 4 in rehab and not working a program yet at home. So much going on internally, but he redirects it to everything else. It really is draining. I'm glad I went to Alanon yesterday and wish there were daily meetings available. Dealing with a recovery alcoholic husband is hard enough, but being 8 months pregnant on top of it all is understandably stressful!
Things won't change overnight. One day at a time. Straight out telling him no is a good idea. You can work out another way to take care of bills in the future. You could also request to table this issue for a certain number of months.This isn't just up to him. You're entitled time to work your recovery in the way you need to. I'm finding that I often revert to old ways of non-communicating (self-protection). When I've had time to think things through, I'm usually able to communicate better and use these new skills I'm learning.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 12
Keepingthefaith - he's been in recovery for more than seven years. Over the last couple years his anger and manipulation seem to be getting worse. He says he is, but I don't think he is really working the program aside from not drinking. I think your suggestion of tabling this issue is a good one. I'm sure he'll have words about it, but I don't know how to handle it right now other than to lower myself to his level.
Stung - yeah. That has always been my rationale. We split the big stuff, and then I figure the little things are not a big deal - they even out over time. So to get a "bill" for 1.5 years worth of little things adding up into the thousands is frustrating to say the least. I am so exhausted of it I feel like telling him he can just talk to my lawyer. And yes, we've been in counseling for nearly two years. I got a bill for that, too.
Stung - yeah. That has always been my rationale. We split the big stuff, and then I figure the little things are not a big deal - they even out over time. So to get a "bill" for 1.5 years worth of little things adding up into the thousands is frustrating to say the least. I am so exhausted of it I feel like telling him he can just talk to my lawyer. And yes, we've been in counseling for nearly two years. I got a bill for that, too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Hugs, Lindsay. Sorry for the situation.
Is this something you can discuss with your couples counselor? Sounds like you are keeping good track of what you have paid for, etc. so you know exactly what you may or may not "owe" him for. Frankly, the financial issue sounds like one that could happen regardless of whether or not your spouse is an A.
The best I can say is keep your side of the street clean...pay for what you rightly owe, work your recovery, make sure your needs are met. Keep doing the next right thing for YOU. RAH can take care of himself. I hope the remainder of your pregnancy is healthy, and you are able to give yourself the care you need.
Is this something you can discuss with your couples counselor? Sounds like you are keeping good track of what you have paid for, etc. so you know exactly what you may or may not "owe" him for. Frankly, the financial issue sounds like one that could happen regardless of whether or not your spouse is an A.
The best I can say is keep your side of the street clean...pay for what you rightly owe, work your recovery, make sure your needs are met. Keep doing the next right thing for YOU. RAH can take care of himself. I hope the remainder of your pregnancy is healthy, and you are able to give yourself the care you need.
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