Raider

On the A side...depressed about the death of Phillip. Fighting the demon all your life, just to have it win in the end. It wins, it wins a lot. Or you can "beat" the demon, looking over your shoulder your whole life, ever vigilant that your addiction is always close by, getting stronger every day, every minute. Only to have years pass, struggling, then relapse. Inpatient, relapse, OP, relapse, work your program, relapse, higher power, relapse. What is the point?
The other side of the street is equally depressing, from what I read on this site. Lying, stealing, cheating, using, relapsing, and the circle continues. You have spouses, SO, kids, bills, love, that keeps you with your addict? Is it worth it? Don't bother with compassion, we are not listening and it doesn't make us sober. Nothing makes us sober.
So here I am, crying in my four shots of espresso, for all of us. I see no relief for either side. Yes, very depressed over this. This is just not like me. Crap, sorry for the depressing post.

doggonecarl

It's okay to be sad, but don't lose the the forest for the tree.

Plenty of addicts recover. Hope you feel better soon.

Coldfusion

God bless you, Raider!

KateL

I feel like crap too but I know it'll get better soon, just hang onto that thought xxx

alphaomega

Sometimes you just gotta throw your hands up and scream I SURRENDER.
Jesus, take the wheel.

Might I add, I finally just gave up the fight. With alcohol. I let it win. There was no fight in me left to try to navigate through the never ending cycle of drinking/hangover/drinking/hangover/drinking/ hangover.

There is no battle when you put down the sword...

XO AO

least

ScottFromWI

We all have bad days Raider, it's allowed and it happens to every single person on the planet. The good news is that it will pass, they are just feelings. Even better is that it's a lot easier to deal with bad days and work it all out sober rather than making it all worse by drowning it in a bottle, only to resurface tomorrow.

deeker

Please do not use it as an excuse to give up. Plenty are making it and happy doing it and the obsession is lifted. Me for one. You know anything is possible with God .

jdooner

Raider, your consuming lots of booze and sort of wondering why your depressed? Its like hooking yourself up to a fire hydrant full of liquid depressant and drinking.

You have to take the first step or you will end up just like Hoffman - sorry but that is the sad truth. You have all the signs and you chronicle them here - night tremors, seizures but you keep drinking and talk about how you don't want to stop. Either accept the outcome or do something to change it. You have so much support, f2f and virtually.

I assume you husband is still sober.

Kate - you are sober - not sure the same applies to an active alcoholic.

silentrun

Sorry you are depressed right now Raider. Glad to see you are posting about it. It took me quite a while to get the depression to lift, but it does. The first part of this leaves you stuck between not having your go to feel good (even if it's only for awhile) and not yet having the abilities of a normal functioning brain. It's to be expected. I felt lost for many months. Support from this site was how I made it through that.
PS be careful with the stimulants right now. I ended up in the ER thinking I was having a heart attack. Caffeine intoxication is a bad place to be. Someone on here suggested Celestial Season's Tension Tamer.

andisa

His untimely death caused serious introspection in me too, Raider. Emotions and conclusions similar to yours. I don't have answers either. It's become obvious to me that the only real out is to finally set it all aside. Just let all drinking/ drugs go. Don't even entertain the idea of using. Ha! That's not going to happen with me and I know it. So I'm stuck in this purgatory even still of wanting but not having. Dear Phillip attempted this method of just staying away, never completely renouncing. He reportedly stayed away (from heroin) for decades. It doesn't work. I know it and still cannot let it go.

Well those are not words of advice nor encouragement, but it's the reality. We live in the environment and mindset we construct for ourselves.

Aellyce

Raider - I think you get shocked by news like this (and his misfortune, which is of course very sad). But think about it... doesn't this truly happen to many people, to us here on SR, to society, whatever level you want to look at... due to addictions?

I think there are a lot of us just as valuable as Philip, we don't even recognize the values in our isolated compartments... I guess in a way we ended up on SR because we want to get better and unsure how to do it.

afloatsober

Don't see the third option and the one that is working for me one day at a time. Surrender, give up the battle, wave the white flag and walk toward the winning side as my sponsor put it. But i had to get sick to my soul before I could let go and let God. I had no other choice or drink to the bitter end.
Hope that you find your way out of this.
Love to you.
Gx

RobbyRobot

For me, none of this is actually describing recovery. It completely speaks to addiction in action, for me anyways. I'm recovered, and I haven't had to look over my shoulder for decades now. And I've been thru some tough times in those sober decades. My life is no cakewalk, lol. Seriously.

Glad to hear its really more about what your experiencing as feelings rather than indicative of defining YOU.

Sobriety really isn't about struggling with addiction - its really about enjoying the ongoing and rock-solid success of no longer being overwhelmingly challenged by a past addiction. I'm free and recovered. I'm not hurting anymore from my addiction my alcoholism. Sure, life can still hurt, but that has nothing to do with my alcoholism. My drinking past is just that, my past. Not worth sweating over it, really.

Sorry for what your going thru, Raider.

jaynie04

Raider, I don't know if it is me but when I just glanced at the titles of a lot of threads there seems to be a lot of people struggling right now. I am a bit and I sometimes worry about sharing it because I don't want to discourage people who are newer to SR. But, the one thing that I feel sure about is that having even this "virtual group" is helpful. Somehow the collective energy here helps me weather the storms. Even though a lot of us are at different points I feel that there is a collective energy, and that what may seem so dismal when I think about it by myself, is tolerable because I have you folks.

Sending you hugs, I am always happy to see your smiling avatar. You spread a lot of love around here, I hope you can feel the fact that a lot of us care a lot about you!

Banquo

Perhaps it's time for more professional help Raider. I believe you are on some sort of faith-based program. Explore other options and keep on keeping x

Raider

After 50 minutes on the elliptical, a little food and some decaf tea I feel like I can post without crumpling like a tissue. All that so I can say this,
Thank you.

Olive1

Hi Raider,
I was also saddened and shocked by this death.
I remember in my early, early recovery I would hear those tell of many years of abstinence and then go back out. I was always mortified at the thought of this. All the hard work gone out the window.
And, yes, it is hard work. Throwing up my hands and asking ‘What is the point?’, though, is the easy way out.
It is not hard work for always.
I have found that I have come to accept myself as a non-drinker. It is no longer work.
I cannot possibly know what is going through anyone’s mind when they pick up again. I only know that for me, if ever there is a small ***** of relapse in the back of my head, I revert back to ‘Not today. I will not drink today’. That ***** generally vanishes rather quickly.



Oops. I said a bad word. Substitute 'smidge'.

Dee74

Hi Raider

I'm sorry you're down. I think a lot of people are about Hoffmann's death.

The thing is - there are people living healthy happy recovered lives with 20 30 years or more sobriety.

Some of them are on this site

Tragedies happen - people for whatever reason do lose their way - but it's not inevitable.

Recovery really is possible. 7 years ago I was near death myself.

Never ever lose hope Raider - I know you're a Christian - remember the footprints in the sand...God is with you...thats a pretty powerful team

D

Straightshoot

As usual I am pulling for you Raider, and as I said before you have a great smile. Did you ever make faces at yourself in the mirror when you were a kid? If so, do you remember how much fun it was. IMO life is too short to be so unhappy.

I know this may sound corny but I put on a happy face today after my chiropractor straightened my back out, maybe sometime today you can give yourself a smile in the mirror. It is a shame that he died, he was from the same area I used to live in. I had an aunt in Carolina who died at 40 from booze, we tried to help her but it was too late. Feel better. <Hugs>