Katchie

That was just the strangest phone call from my AH. He called to tell me he wouldn't be home til later because he has a meeting. I asked who with, thinking it was business, and he said an AA meeting. I don't think I responded the way he hoped I would, or the way I hope I would. I didn't feel anything. Just kind of numb and not real caring I guess. I mean, I know I care about him or why else would this whole alcoholism thingy bother me to begin with. It's a little unnerving when I've spent a portion of my day calling lawyers looking for a free consultation regarding the ins and outs of a legal separation vs divorce.

hopeful4

I think you are not feeling because you don't want to feel false hope. At least that is how I align it to what I am feeling right now, which feels the same...sort of like nothing.

It is good he is going to a meeting. Hopefully he will take charge of his own recovery. In the mean time, keep getting your ducks in a row because we should all have a plan if need be.

Hugs.

Katchie

Makes me feel like maybe I could be the crazy one for not having a shred of happiness that he's finally doing what I had hoped he would do for years now. But maybe you're right, maybe deep down I just don't want to feel false hope.

Insaneshame

I have the same numb, nothing feeling. I miss him when he's not around (kinda), but the minute he comes over, all mopey and sad looking, it's instant nothing. Good for your AH that he is going to a meeting. Hopefully he will really work the steps and move forward in life!

Katchie

Thank you. You made me feel normal. I do the same thing. He must be feeling it and feeling things are not good with me. But he should want to do this for himself and not me. Heck, when I've asked him in the past to get help it didn't do any good..don't know what the difference is now except I told him I'd leave.

LivingLife4Me

When my husband was going to AA meetings, it was because we were in the midst of a divorce. He was only going so it would look good on paper. He was still drinking.

Katchie

I guess time will tell his real motivation. He doesn't know I've looked into lawyers today so I know that's not it. It could be my distance or it could be that he isn't able to stay away from the fire water. I thought, with no proof, that he may have been buzzed last night when he came home from the grocery store. Dunno. He also sounded a smidgen slurred when he called this afternoon..again, I dunno for sure and don't want to make it my worry or problem anymore.

Catherine628

I have experienced this too. I think Hopeful is on to something with the false hope. Its also about trust for me. There have been so many starts and stops with the drinking/recovery thing and so many lies. Its hard to trust his words anymore and then of course that hope creeps in and its crushing when it all falls apart. Its kind of a self-preservation reaction.

Keep moving forward with your plans. Hopefully your husband gets the help he needs.

hopeful4

I would say telling (and making) someone leave is a big one. Sometimes a person needs to have a big consequence to want to recover. That is a big consequence! He may be doing it for him, for you, who knows. He may not even know. Time will tell.

In the mean time, take it a moment at a time and continue in your own recovery.

FireSprite

Well, what were you supposed to do? Cartwheels? Cheers? It's ONE meeting.

And it might feel like manipulation if he has obvious expectations about your reaction?

Pamel

Katchie, it is great that he is going, but he should be going because he WANTS to be sober. That does not require any reaction on your part. Just continue your plans and be kind. One meeting is not fairy dust to make one sober.

dandylion

Katchie---as we all have learned---"one monkey don't make no show......."

dandylion

Insaneshame

I told my AH the same things. I cried, begged, bitched, pleaded, treated him like my child...name it, I've done it, as I'm sure pretty well everyone on this page has done! I almost left him 2 years ago, but caved because he went all self-pity on me and he's so good at manipulating my feelings, that I felt bad and let him come with us. He did promise change and blah blah blah, but he ALWAYS promises change and kinda sorta does for a few weeks, then I look up and we're right back in the same FREAKIN spot we've been. So, in the beginning of December, I woke up and realized that I had had enough of this lifestyle and the life draining poison that was taking me and the kids down with him and asked him to move out. He's been gone a little over a month now and it royally sucks to have to be here, but I'm so much happier (dare I say it) and there's no tension in the house anymore. I love him and want this to work, but I refuse to give up anymore of my happiness and energy to a disease that he doesn't even want to treat!! The one thing that I have learned on this site so far are the 3 C's
1. You didn't cause it.
2. You can't control it.
3. You can't cure it.
And it is soooooooooo true. Work on you and find your happiness. It's gonna be a tough road, and one that no one wants to walk down. But stay strong and you are normal, he's the one with the disease!!!!

Brave

For me, there is an element of skepticism for anything DH is doing right now. Like, "Right, we'll see how long this lasts." I sometimes feel bad about it too, but I think it's all about self-protection. If you don't get your hopes up, they can't be dashed. Don't feel bad, just keep focusing on yourself. And big hugs.

Katchie

Well, he called me on the way home from AA. I asked him how it was but he doesn't want to talk about it and said even if he could he doesn't know what to say at this point and doesn't know if it will ever be something he will want to talk about. Then begins to explain to me how it's anonymous, as if that is a reason he doesn't want to talk about it. No sh** Sherlock! I told him it was the same in AlAnon to which he replied, "what's that?". Now, he's been told I was going to AlAnon & I explained what it is...WTF?? Sorry for my French. Just goes to show how little he's given anything I've said attention in a very long time. SOB!!! Grrrr
It just goes to show breath is totally wasted, along with worry and every other emotion, on an active addict!!!

spiderqueen

Sorry for your frustration, Katchie. This is what Low Expectations feels like. Not fun, but definitely a good idea right now, until more time goes by with meaningful action.

Hope you are still working on keeping the focus on you and your well-being.

Katchie

Yes, I am trying desperately to keep my focus on myself. The above is a momentary bunny trail...Hopping back onto my own stuff.