involved

I read here daily but dont post much, but today I need some feeddback. Iam in a long distance relationship with a RA in early recovery. During our time together there have been issues i have had, concerning "friendships" with other women. I dont know how far they have gone and can only speculate because he is a sneaky manipulative hiding lyeing alcoholic. So I will not let my mind race or deny. All I know is that it is a boundry for me as it puts stress on long distance relationship. Well we seemed to have put an end to this friendship thing as he has gotten more sober...he is an A who fears being alone. I found out about these women because I am a suspicious neurotic who will go looking for trouble because of a gut instinct. I know that my behavior needs work...and I am trying to whiteknuckle my self! Before you ask I have only been to one meeting but have read co dependant no more and am listening to al anon speakers. Any ways the other women have been out of the picture for a couple of months but my trust and insecurities are still there. He calls me several times a day early in the morning his time and always at my bed time. He was quiet yesterday and when we did talk he was iritable... i asked him after some picking if he had something he wanted to talk about and he said everything was fine so I pointed out his picking and shortness...Last night I he went to his brothers to watch the game and gave me the song and dance about his sister in law was not feeling well and they were only having pizza for snacks because ...quack quack quack...so I open my facebook randomly and what do you know there is a pic posted with him, his brother and sister in law and her cousin who happens to be one of the women "friends" in question that his sister in law tried to fix him up with shortly after his moving out there! Slap in the face punch in the stomach...the pic was innocent he wasnt even standing near her but wtf! So of course i call him and tell him I have had enough of his lies and he goes into denying and defensive mode...and He has me on speaker phone and i am facebook messageing her is there anything going on...she says no and never has been....so the whole thing is innocent enough but, i feel like he lied by omission and if he had any respect for our relationship he should have made me aware that she would be there! Yes I would still have freaked because of my issues but i would have had a feeling that he was trying to rebuild trust by being forth coming and honest...that is his program after all!! And yes he works at it at his speed not mine. So I sat in the bath tub with a bottle of wine and cried for 2 hours and thought hard about the 3 c's the first 3 steps, my part in this, and decided I need to let go of this relationship because It has made me into someone I dont like...and told him so this morning thru his screaming denial and defending that he did nothing wrong. So my question is for all you black belt al anons...does he have an obligation to me to have been forthcoming about her being there?

Hammer

Friend Girl . . . .

Black Belt do nots do him, him, him.

Black Belt do You, You, You.

So. YOU have this crap in YOUR life . . . exactly, why?

involved

Yes...this I get Hammer..i need to do me..just making sure that I was not wrong about the lie by omiting and is that my business..am I wrongly accusing him of something that is really my problem not his. I have stayed because there has been progress and I have had hope.

lillamy

Well, I think I might be on probation with my black belt -- I feel like I'm going back down to white-belt level and learning it all over again, going through the steps.

HOWEVER I think my response would echo Hammer's. Or, as someone told me when I said I went to Al-Anon meetings but didn't work the program much -- "going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a car"...

I think when we focus on us, and work through our own shortcomings and issues, we build our confidence to the point where we don't get wigged out by our significant other's innocent friendships, and where we have a better BS-detector that can tell us when such friendships aren't innocent.

And I'm also wondering, if you excuse me, why you are holding on to a complicated, unsatisfying long-distance relationship with someone you describe as ? I'm not being snarky. It's a question I think I would ask myself in your situation: What are you really getting out of this? Unless you're in solitary confinement on a rock off of Maine somewhere, maybe there are people closer to you that would be more satisfying to hang out with? But that you don't see because you're hanging on to this?

Before I met AXH, I had a tendency to choose unavailable men. Either they were active military with frequent deployments, or they lived in another country, or they were emotionally unavailable, or they were workaholics, or, in one terribly morally wrong case, married. Is it possible you're choosing to stay in this relationship because you really don't want a full-on committed relationship between equals? I know that was the case for me for many, many years. (And then when I did marry, I married an alcoholic. Go figure...)

Just some thoughts.
But mostly, I want to say -- take care of yourself. Look after yourself. Love yourself.

involved

No offence taken lilamy...thank you.

suki44883

I don't think so. Looked like a family get together of sorts and as you say, he wasn't standing next to her, so why should he say anything about her? He's allowed to have friends, even female friends.

The fact that you say he is a "sneaky manipulative hiding lyeing alcoholic" makes me wonder why you would want a relationship with him anyway. Especially since you seem to have trust issues, whether they are founded in this case or not.

Sounds to me like the two of you are a toxic mix and are better off without each other.

FireSprite

Hmmm, I think yes, maybe you have to own some of this.

It's one thing to deal with issues because the evidence is right in your face, but this sounds like it was sought out by you (at least a little):

Which, combined with an RA in early recovery who has issues being alone/lonely may not be the healthiest set of circumstances for a long-distance relationship when you already have trust issues.

It IS possible that he didn't share that she was there simply because he knew it would upset you & he didn't want to start an argument over nothing, and he can't control who others invite to their home/parties.... of course, the flip side is that when you find out it can't help but seem like a huge cover-up/lie on his part.

Even if he was pursuing this person, lying to you about it, etc. IMO once you start Facebooking HER you've gone too far. No matter what the nature of their relationship (or not) your issues are with HIM & dragging other people into it like that just makes YOU look crazy, kwim?

involved

Thank you firesprite...yes I know I look like the crazy one..I also feel like it! In the past yes I have gone looking but this was not the case last night. I simply was sitting down relaxing and opened my facebook, and this pic came up and felt like it was on the outside movie screen! And yes I said to him that I get the confrontation thing....and yes it did feel like hiding. The crazy has built up for me...because of his past indescresions and me not getting real help. He has apologized for his past actions and understands that he planted the seeds of my insecurity, and gets the loss of trust and he is working on it...i am not. I apologized to her right away. Thank you for your words

Stung

I'm not a black belt in alanon or at life, but I'll offer some advice that was recently offered to me and may be helpful to you too (I also try to sleuth out my RAH's lies…sometimes even go looking for them…which is how I know he recently changed his email password [don't ask, it was a moment of weakness]) maybe you should unfriend your RAH on Facebook and only speak with him at agreed upon times once a day or maybe even less.

From someone who does the same type of crazy stuff that you do, limiting your access to your RAH may help you realize your own tendencies. It definitely made me realize how much I was looking for trouble with my RAH.

involved

Yes Stung! I read that when you posted it! I have considered it but havent proposed it. I also have all the passwords including the phone records. I didnt ask..he gave me to gain transparancy and what a monster this has created! He thought that would build trust but made me crazier! Mis use of power! He also calls me a lot because he wants me to know he is sober...thats for him not me and in the days where he is whatever he calls wayyyy to much and feel he is too clingy and that has only made me rely on constant phone calls so if he doesnt call as much I wonder what he is up to! What a monster we have created! Believe me, I already realize my tenancies! (Something I need to bite the bullet on) I panic when I think about the changeing passwords for fear of being played a fool even though I am acting a fool! Thank you stung for the helpful suggestion and shareing with me.

freethinking

Whenever I have gotten like that in past relationships (being really distrustful), there has been a good reason even if the person acts like I am nuts. Good luck.

involved

Thank you free...in the past there has been good reason... But he has been trying to grow but its ne who is having the problem letting go and reacting vs responding...and to make things worse my 51 year old body is also trying to "change". Thanks!

theuncertainty

Either person can walk away from a relationship for any reason. You've explained to him that it was turning you into some one you don't like. You don't need to let his screaming make you doubt the fact that you know this relationship isn't good for you right now.