Secret Alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 9
Secret Alcoholic
Hi, I'm a secret alcoholic and drink almost every day. Nobody knows I'm an alcoholic because I drink alone and I always stop myself from drinking if I think I might be detected. My city is huge with many bars and I can go from one to the next without really being noticed. I'm never intoxicated at work. But that doesn't mean that I'm not an alcoholic. I used to work in bars and that's when I came to love alcohol. I can drink anything. If I have any spare money I spend it all on alcohol, or sometimes I put 10 or 20 dollars into gambling and if I win any money I spend it on alcohol.
My life is a rat trap in a sewer. I am almost 31. I had depression all my life and was hospitalised for it 3 times. Nobody can understand how miserable my life has been. I clawed my way out of depression enough to get a degree. My mother is a survivor and has had trouble all of her life. She has chronic PTSD and BPD. I live with her and I can't leave for the immediate future. She is in psychiatric care right now. I have to take care of her and pay a lot of bills and it makes me feel dead inside. The stress on me is enormous as every conversation with my mother is a battle with no rules. I am completely alone in life. There is nobody to help me or to take care of me. I hate my life and I'm barely hanging on.
I don't know what to do. There is zero pleasure in my life apart from alcohol. I want to be sober but sometimes that seems like a far away dream, a memory from childhood.
My life is a rat trap in a sewer. I am almost 31. I had depression all my life and was hospitalised for it 3 times. Nobody can understand how miserable my life has been. I clawed my way out of depression enough to get a degree. My mother is a survivor and has had trouble all of her life. She has chronic PTSD and BPD. I live with her and I can't leave for the immediate future. She is in psychiatric care right now. I have to take care of her and pay a lot of bills and it makes me feel dead inside. The stress on me is enormous as every conversation with my mother is a battle with no rules. I am completely alone in life. There is nobody to help me or to take care of me. I hate my life and I'm barely hanging on.
I don't know what to do. There is zero pleasure in my life apart from alcohol. I want to be sober but sometimes that seems like a far away dream, a memory from childhood.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 608
Welcome to SR. You say there is zero pleasure in your life apart from alcohol, but have you ever been sober for any extended (or not so extended) period of time? I can only speak from my own experiences of course, but while I have suffered from depression, anxiety, nervousness, and adult ADHD for the past 15 years, when I gave up alcohol, all of this got better. Alcohol is a terrible drug for an alcohol addict, there are so many areas that it has an absolutely devastating effect on, and in my opinion, the worst of these areas are the psychological and social areas. These are the ones that will affect us the most because it quietly gets worse and worse over time.
Good luck. I think you'll find SR a great place, full of amazing people with very interesting stories. It helps to post!
Good luck. I think you'll find SR a great place, full of amazing people with very interesting stories. It helps to post!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi and welcome to what can be a great beginning of a new life style if we let it. There will be some good suggestions coming your way to act upon. Mine would be to stop drinking with this forum to help as would AA and other methods. Our alcoholism will always get worse, never better if we continue to drink. Keep coming.
BE WELL
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: ON
Posts: 766
Welcome to the group, you are on the path of awareness and that is the first step.
Do you really feel that alcohol still gives you pleasure.
Drinking was fun and pleasurable for me at first but it crossed the line where it was not fun or pleasurable at a certain point.
There was nothing pleasurable about it for me at the end.
Do you really feel that alcohol still gives you pleasure.
Drinking was fun and pleasurable for me at first but it crossed the line where it was not fun or pleasurable at a certain point.
There was nothing pleasurable about it for me at the end.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
Hello, secretface. Welcome to SR. You have shown from your post that you have the determination and motivation to get a degree. So, why not channel that determination and motivation toward sobriety?
Working in bars, and being an alcoholic, you must have concluded that alcoholics are inherently less happy than sober people, haven't you?
If you haven't reached that conclusion, keep reading. You will see stories from hundreds of us whose lives have improved by being sober.
If you have already concluded that your life can be better by getting sober, then you have to find the method that is right for you to achieve that goal.
Whatever you decide, I am glad you are here with us at SR. Good luck.
Working in bars, and being an alcoholic, you must have concluded that alcoholics are inherently less happy than sober people, haven't you?
If you haven't reached that conclusion, keep reading. You will see stories from hundreds of us whose lives have improved by being sober.
If you have already concluded that your life can be better by getting sober, then you have to find the method that is right for you to achieve that goal.
Whatever you decide, I am glad you are here with us at SR. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 24
every day i say No gives me pleasure ... its a little victory
... also, don't be so sure that people don't know you are an alcoholic - when I finally admitted to my wife that I had a drinking problem she said, "yes I know" ... and I had the rest of my life totally under control and had not yet had any big train wreck ... iwould consider reaching out to one person you trust - public accountability to someone has helped me a lot
... also, don't be so sure that people don't know you are an alcoholic - when I finally admitted to my wife that I had a drinking problem she said, "yes I know" ... and I had the rest of my life totally under control and had not yet had any big train wreck ... iwould consider reaching out to one person you trust - public accountability to someone has helped me a lot
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 366
Secretface-
I dont know if you're an alcoholic.
Hell...I don't even know if I am.
But I do know what it's like to live with someone who is suffering from PTSD and a personality disorder. It is exhausting to be around. They are crazy making people. .. the sap your energy and cause you to question your own sanity. They make their life HELL and blame you for their actions.
It's really no wonder why you and I drink way too much. It's a really bad cooling mechanism.
But this isn't a board about PDs. This is a board about alcoholism. And a lot of people here are victims of a coping mechanism that has become detrimental and has gotten out of hand. There is always (or nearly always) an underlying issue that caused the drinking.
For me the answer is in the serenity pledge. You need to really know (really know) what you control what you don't. .. And you NEED to let go what you can't control. This isn't as easy as it sounds. Like I said, a BPD is positive (convinced without doubt) that they aren't responsible for their own behaviors or the consequences that go with them. And since they aren't then you must be.
Being held accountable for things you don't (couldn't if you wanted to) control is hugely hugely hugely stressful. And hugely hugely hugely depressing.
You deserve better then this role you were born into. You need more than what you've been given so far. Getting sober is the first step toward the life you deserve.
Start by not drinking today and hanging out with us instead!
I dont know if you're an alcoholic.
Hell...I don't even know if I am.
But I do know what it's like to live with someone who is suffering from PTSD and a personality disorder. It is exhausting to be around. They are crazy making people. .. the sap your energy and cause you to question your own sanity. They make their life HELL and blame you for their actions.
It's really no wonder why you and I drink way too much. It's a really bad cooling mechanism.
But this isn't a board about PDs. This is a board about alcoholism. And a lot of people here are victims of a coping mechanism that has become detrimental and has gotten out of hand. There is always (or nearly always) an underlying issue that caused the drinking.
For me the answer is in the serenity pledge. You need to really know (really know) what you control what you don't. .. And you NEED to let go what you can't control. This isn't as easy as it sounds. Like I said, a BPD is positive (convinced without doubt) that they aren't responsible for their own behaviors or the consequences that go with them. And since they aren't then you must be.
Being held accountable for things you don't (couldn't if you wanted to) control is hugely hugely hugely stressful. And hugely hugely hugely depressing.
You deserve better then this role you were born into. You need more than what you've been given so far. Getting sober is the first step toward the life you deserve.
Start by not drinking today and hanging out with us instead!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I would say that your secret is making life a whole lot more stressful for you. I encourage you to reach out for support. I also encourage you to have therapy for yourself. There are caregiver support groups also. You are under alot of pressure in the care of your mom. Alcohol is self medication for underlying reasons. Only you can invest into your own life to figure out what those are and to find a more healthy way to deal with them.
I wish you good luck. God Bless.
I wish you good luck. God Bless.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
If you live in a city, chances are good that there is a support group for people who have loved one's or family members with BPD. Talk to your mom's care providers and find out what sort of support groups there are. Those can be really helpful if well run.
I am so sorry you are in such a rough place. The stress sounds huge, but there is hope. I have mental illness and have been hospitalized several times as well. I understand the sense of discouragement. Life can feel very overwhelming. But I can and do have a quality of life but it takes creativity and finding the right tools and support.
I also drank alone, but like you, I couldn't hide the truth from myself. I knew I didn't want to die a drunk drug abuser and had to eliminate that from my life. Because truly it wasn't helping or fixing anything, it was draining the remaining hope and opportunity for something better from my life.
I'm glad you are here. Things can get better.
I am so sorry you are in such a rough place. The stress sounds huge, but there is hope. I have mental illness and have been hospitalized several times as well. I understand the sense of discouragement. Life can feel very overwhelming. But I can and do have a quality of life but it takes creativity and finding the right tools and support.
I also drank alone, but like you, I couldn't hide the truth from myself. I knew I didn't want to die a drunk drug abuser and had to eliminate that from my life. Because truly it wasn't helping or fixing anything, it was draining the remaining hope and opportunity for something better from my life.
I'm glad you are here. Things can get better.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
You can do it. I am having a terrible time at the moment but I know if I drank it would be a trillion times worse. We have to learn to live with difficult stuff, but there are always the good things to think about. If we drink we don't experience those properly either. Good luck xxxxx
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
Welcome to SR. I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time and have been for so long. The stress of being a caretaker can really take it's toll, I'm living it, although I have it easier than you do. I can tell you that being a caretaker while drinking was almost impossible-it's one of the main reasons I quit. It's amazing how much less strain it puts on you sober-you can roll with the punches more easily when you're not hungover, exhausted, and extra depressed from the booze.
If you can get out and about to get to bars, maybe you can change your routine to getting out and about to go to support groups, volunteer activities to meet people, etc. It's good you haven't progressed to drinking while working but that could happen as this damn thing is progressive. You may think you're hiding the drinking, but it's very hard to hide daily drinking. There is a certain smell that comes out of your pores that you don't notice but others probably do.
At any rate, spend some time here on SR. You've made a great first step!
If you can get out and about to get to bars, maybe you can change your routine to getting out and about to go to support groups, volunteer activities to meet people, etc. It's good you haven't progressed to drinking while working but that could happen as this damn thing is progressive. You may think you're hiding the drinking, but it's very hard to hide daily drinking. There is a certain smell that comes out of your pores that you don't notice but others probably do.
At any rate, spend some time here on SR. You've made a great first step!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Center of Mass
Posts: 622
Welcome to SR. I used to think that there would be no pleasure in my life without drugs and alcohol. I was a functional user who endured life so I could carve out as much time as possible to use. I knew I had to quit because my anxiety, anger, and negativity were getting worse over time. I thought, once sober, I was going to live a bleak joyless life. I was wrong. After some time sober and a lot of hard work life is feeling good and looking bright.
Hang in there. If you feel down post in SR. Lots of great people here.
Hang in there. If you feel down post in SR. Lots of great people here.
I'm glad you found us and joined the family. 
It is possible to get and stay sober but it takes effort and lots of changes. It's worth it tho.
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