Lovenjoy

I'm new here, been mostly reading and have been given so much strength by all of you. My son came 'clean' about his drug addiction of 5 years this past summer. Simple sentence complex circumstances… He broke. Being a recovering alcoholic I knew he was ready when he told me I want to stop, I've tried to stop, I can't, I need help. He didn't want to do drugs to stop drugs so cold turkey. Really rough but we did it with much help from many people. (I think that was when I first found SR) He got into a really good out patient rehab and worked it hard. Found NA and worked that hard. Was making awesome progress and staying clean. A few months in he dislocated his shoulder, 3 days pain meds which I controlled and he did well. Leaned on NA a lot. He has a lot on his plate that I won't get into right now. Sees a LADAC counselor and a med doc who has him on some meds for sleep and anxiety non narc, (I'm not sure about this myself but we talk) He's been getting stronger in recovery. Not working the program that I can see but meetings and being engaged in life. Ready to show up and get work, etc. Then new year's eve had emergency surgery. Lots of drugs. Some lying after and abused his scripts a couple of days. Came through without going back to illegals. Very upset with himself. I made it clear if he went back he was out of our home. I know that shocked him. He has had complications from surgery, been really sick since, seeing 3 different specialists, a mass on his kidney is being looked at. It's crazy. Not going to meetings 'cause he's so sick. Staying in touch with some NA people. Depressed. Now this past week he dislocated his shoulder again. Muscle relaxers I'm in charge but it is rough. He has not gone back out but I am afraid for him.
My question is - he has all the books from NA but is not using them. I want to somehow ask, tell, suggest that he please, please, please, start using them and working the program. He's not doing meetings 'cause he's so sick and he's just getting more and more depressed from health and legal problems. I stay out of his intimate recovery work, it's not mine it's all his and I'm not the person to be saying much. But right now I know he needs a strong nudge. How or should I do that? thanks for listening.

Kindeyes

I don't have any great answers for you......

Nothing I have ever done with regard to my son has helped him stay clean. I've had to work hard on myself to accept that anything I did seemed to exacerbate the issue.

The best thing I did for me (and perhaps for my son too) was I worked the program I wished he would. It helped me find some peace.

Welcome to SR.....lots of parents here who understand.

gentle hugs
ke

Lovenjoy

thank you KE. i've started to work the codependent 12 and am working my AA 12, again. would it be helpful to work NA 12? not sure how different.

Kindeyes

I have several friends who have worked the AA or NA steps and are now dealing with addicted adult children. They all say it is quite different even though the steps themselves are almost identical......but that is hearsay and not my own personal experience. Two of my sponsees are double winners.

I found that having the support of others who understand (other parents) was particularly helpful. Those who were able to find serenity whether their son or daughter was using or not were my role models. I wanted what they had and they were kind enough to share their ESH with me. I worked the 12 Steps of Al-Anon while attending Nar-Anon meetings. My sponsor was from Al-Anon which is why I went that route. It's all good. It all helps. I found that focusing my attention and energy on my own recovery was the most beneficial thing I did for me, my son, and the other people who love me. But I was a pretty big mess as his addiction progressed (before going to meetings). I just wanted him to stop using and everything would be ok. Puts an awful lot of power over my life in someone else's hands, huh? I did some pretty crazy stuff trying to "save" my son.......and it darn near took me out.

Stick around SR.....there is great support from other parents here.

gentle hugs
ke

Lovenjoy

This is so helpful, thanks so much. I'm heading to alanon this week. Nar anon is to far away. Before I knew what his sickness was I had become very ill living with it. Once I knew it was a relief. A name for what was making me ill. I've been working my program more diligently evever since. He really is committed to recovery and I've told him I will support that and only recovery. But it is a slippery slope. Which is why I'm here to gain the knowledge others have from traveling this road. And the hugs are much appreciated! peace today for all

AndreaB

Hello Lovenjoy, I think you are doing a wonderful job supporting your son in his recovery. My daughter asked me to help her recover from her heroin addiction about a year and a half ago. She has been clean for about 15 months. Sometimes the trip has been easy, other times a struggle.

All addicts are different, but my daughter tried AA & NA for many months and finally admitted that their system did not work for her. She says that attending NA meetings actually made it harder for her to remain sober because the attendees spent so much time talking about their prior drug lives and all the funny, stupid things they would do. Often it seemed to her that they were just reminiscing about the good old time. She also told me that if she ever wanted to buy drugs, the easiest way was to attend an NA meeting.

So after that conversation, I stopped nagging her to attend. She has found that treatment for her depression through a private psychiatrist and psychologist was much more valuable.

Again, there is no one treatment method that is successful for all people. I would sit and talk with your son and ask him to be honest about his experience with NA. Some addicts who don't respond well to NA are hesitant to admit it because they think of it as failing yet again.

Best to us all.

Taking5

As a hard core alkie who had a definite appetite for other drugs as well, this quote:

In my experience is 100% true. I got away from "discussion" meetings in AA precisely for the reminiscing point. I go to book study or step study meetings mostly, plus a few newcomer meetings to remind me where I was.

Lovenjoy

Thanks Andrea, your comments help me to hope. Congrats to your daughter! My son has backed off meetings and like you said it may be a good thing for his recovery. He really likes his counselor so hopefully he's getting what he needs. All his health issues are really taking a toll on all of us. Not using over it but so many doctors immediately go to the drugs and that's tough. Especially when he needs them and his disease just perks right up. Pills are his demon. Right now through all the health procedures I mostly remind him to be vigilant in monitoring his disease and I dispense the pills which is so sucky. We both see the affects of being on drugs when he is working on recovery. Told him today at least his body has had some clean time to be able to work on healing the other problems he has.

taking5 I really relate to the whole drunkalog fiasco at some AA meetings. I to am quite discerning about my meetings - step, big book, meditation - and have found a couple women's meetings where ESH is about recovery and living a good life with less emphasis on the horrors that brought us down. I don't find anything to miss in past behaviors and hearing others find humor in theirs doesn't sit well with me. It is about what works though and others may be helped by it. Especially maybe those who haven't fallen so far so they hear how bad it can really be.

One stumbling block in my conversations about recovery with my son is he seems to resent my recovery and resists any input from me. Which is fine because I think he needs other people, I'm to close to the situation, but it does impact my behavior with him a bit because before his addiction came to light I was always sharing things that excited me in my recovery. Now if I do this, which I've done for years with him, I think he takes it as advise for him or criticism. Something I'm working on 'cause it's mine.

Much food for thought here at SR. Very grateful to all and sending blessings and prayers…..

bookreader

AndreaB -
My son said the same thing - going to NA meetings and listening all the talk about opiates resulted in triggers rather help. He said he prefers AA meetings, so as not to focus on opiates. So, go to AA meetings - whatever will help...
b.

Lovenjoy

So here goes the merry go round once more. My son has many health issues right now and I made the mistake that honesty has replaced the lying in our relationship. Just found script info for pain killers that he got at ER. Also voice mail from doctor's office 'no we can't give you painkillers'. He's at hospital right now having a procedure done. Prob get another script which he'll try to hide from me. Yes I will confront him as calmly as I can. I am close to 'there's the door' but there is a young child involved which keeps me from doing that. It isn't so much that I wouldn't have her here the 3 days a week, it's that she wouldn't see me. Her mom's sick too with this disease and I have been the only sane constant in her life since she was born. Her life has been chaotic since birth and the stability I give and have given to this little girl is important. And no I'm not being grandiose. So. Am I ready to tell him chose your home and daughter or drugs? And cast my granddaughter out in the process? If it was just him he'd be on his own. Lord guide me now.

Lovenjoy

feeling like a fool…..

hopeful4

I am so sorry. What are your options with the granddaughter? Can you call CPS? I wish I had some gem of advise but I want you to know I feel for you so much.

Don't feel like a fool. Everyone wants to believe the best in those we love.

Hugs. We are here with you.

Lovenjoy

Thanks hopeful. It seems SR came to me at just the right time. As to my beautiful girl, it's a mess. When my son was living his hidden life I spent thousands on getting him primary custody which he lost this past fall because of his choices. The judge hates him for lying and the mom hates him and me for keeping my little girl safe from her. Mom's on methadone now and all the cards are hers. The only way for me to see my granddaughter if I kicked my son out would be through mom's o.k. She has never put her daughter first and considers me the enemy. If I had known of my son's issues I would have gone for custody then. Water under the bridge. Can only deal with now. It's the little ones who break our hearts. I can process, she only feels. No regrets on the life I've managed to give my little girl these past 5 years. None. She's safer than she was now with mom through my efforts. She adores her daddy but if she loses him it's not my doing. What an awful disease...

Lovenjoy

And now I go to pick him up from hospital. Coming out of procedure all messed up and expecting sympathy…..

hopeful4

I am just so sorry. How heartbreaking. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your grandbaby!

Kindeyes

Lovenjoy
I also have a grandchild. He is with his mother. Although she has issues of past drug abuse/addiction (and psychological problems--she is/was a cutter), she loves that little guy and takes good care of him. So I'm very lucky in many ways.

I don't get to see my grandson anymore.....even though I was a primary caregiver for him for the first 7 years of his life. I haven't seen him in two years. His mother doesn't want him to have any contact (even indirectly through me) with his father. Period. I had no choice but to surrender to this and it was really difficult. Does it hurt? Hell yeah. But I've had to accept this....and go on with my life.

This is just my experience. Don't take anything from it other than......there is another grandmother who understands. Innocents complicate things.....and there's just no denying that addiction hurts everyone around it.

I simply have had to learn to live with the reality of that......it hasn't been easy but I'm doing ok.

You, your son, your granddaughter and her mother are all in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

Lovenjoy

Wow. It's really amazing the anger and twisting of words and at 'least I'm not doing this' and 'it's not your problem' and 'you're just mad 'cause you're not in control' and on and on and on. Because of SR I was able to be calm. Told him it was because I love him "no you're just making my addiction yours". Asked him what he was doing for his recovery, none of my business. Pointed out he has books, a counselor he hasn't seen in 2 weeks, long term recoverers he can turn to, meetings, etc. Told him it's a family disease, not according to him. Told him I would support recovery not abuse. Told him he seemed ok with being sick 'cause he'd get scripts, 'yeah I'm making it up'. He's not. He's sick and injured. Just waits on doctors to give him scripts. But he's ignoring his main disease and not doing anything to help himself on that front. Won't tell doctors he's an addict. I told him that was about protecting his disease. Told him his not telling me he has scripts and letting me dispense them was about protecting his disease. Tried to tell me I was the one who set that up, I wasn't. His sponsor and he set that up when he had his first injury. Am I overreacting? Possiblly. He is only taking what's prescribed, he says. I think that's true. If nothing else he knows I'm serious about not going back there. I told him the part of his disease that is the worst for me isn't whether or not he's taking anything. It's the lying. And he lies, according to him, because of things I've done - I wouldn't even let him make his excuses about that. This is not of my making but whether he believes it or not it is my problem too. Boy I better get to al anon quick! Yeah some of this current situation is mine because of my codependency. I'm tired of working on my stuff which is coming from his problem while he's not working on his stuff. I may have overreacted but better that than minimizing?

Lovenjoy

kindeyes - My heart just breaks for you! How strong you are. God bless you for the love and care that little boy got for so many years. It will serve him well the rest of his life.

What a mess they make through their choices. How can they possibly think it is only their problem? When I was confronting my son today it had as much to do with my love for my granddaughter as it does with my love for him. She is still part of my life and I am even more grateful after hearing from you. And the fact that he discounted that I was motivated by love just tells me he is still denying how much his disease impacts his choices. It's ok that my words angered him. Wake up please!

Thank you so much for sharing such a heartbreaking part of your story. My prayers are with you and your grand baby and all who care for him.

hopeful4

One boundary I put up for myself is I don't accept the blame from my husband about his addicton or his lies. When it starts I simply say, "Nope, I am not interested in being blamed for what are your issues." And I walk away. Enough times of doing that and he does see that this is a boundary...and Thank The Lord....he has not been doing that to me. More importantly, I did that for me. I am not willing to accept any blame at all for his addiction. I have my own issues, sure. However I am not an addict. I have to address my own issues and am doing so right now. He has to be in charge of his own recovery. That applies to EVERY SINGLE ADDICT IN EVERY SINGLE SITUATION.

Also..when I KNOW he is lying I tell him so. And calmly walk away. I don't accept blame or lies.

Glad you were able to stay calm and hope the rest of the day is a peaceful one!

Lovenjoy

thanks everyone. my first time using SR when having a moment at the moment! so very, very helpful. kinda blew me away - staying calm during for having talked here before and letting it go after by sharing here. this rocks! so much better than going it alone. friends and family are hard people to share with as they in many ways are too close to the situation and both of us are in the recovery community here so am not always comfortable sharing much there. i shared more details here than i ever have and i feel so much lighter for it. wow. feeling blessed. thank you.