Addicted to Anger, Resentment, and Rage
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Addicted to Anger, Resentment, and Rage
I've been googling things I want to learn about from others who have traveled a similar road and stumbled upon the following written by Wendy Piersall. Actually, I think I've seen this before but failed to comprehend all of its meaning as it pertains to me and my personal journey..silly me. I think I do that a lot. I guess I wasn't quite ready to hear and understand, or to see the fingers pointing back at myself.
"The thing that rings most true with me tonight from the movie is the experience of emotional addiction, and how we get addicted to emotional states in the same way that a body can get addicted to cocaine, alcohol, or any other drug. Emotions are signals sent by the brain and our cells have receptors on them to receive the message's of anger, love, hate, passion, etc. I have been addicted to the anger, resentment, and rage I have felt towards my husband, as it is a way to meet my needs. It gives me certainty and familiarity, even if it's painful. It gives me variety when our fights get out of control. It makes me feel important and significant because I can tell myself I am such a better person than he is. I feel love and connection with him, even through it all – and I’m working my tail off to connect more with myself.
I have all the incentive I could ever need to continue this way. When I am angry at him, he actually gets up off of his ass and does work around the house, and is sweet and loving. Why would I sit back and be happy with him? When I do he gets lazy, complacent, drinks again and takes total advantage of me. Only when I am angry does he become the man I want him to be (but even then, it’s not the man I know he is capable of being).
I feel so calm tonight seeing this all so much more clearly because he is out of town. I use my anger with him as a distraction for my own issues, primarily that although my life is great in so many ways, I am living up to about 20% of my full potential. I feel my unexpressed greatness weighing on me every hour of every day. My heart and intuition are driving me to greater action now, as I take steps to take control of my own addictions. I may not be an alcoholic, but I have not been able to control my emotions at home in any way, shape or form....I was working with a great coach at the time. He knew everything that was going on – the failing relationship, the fact I was staying in a job for the money yet my heart was already starting up a new business, and the fact that we had only bought our house a few months prior, so I was feeling a little trapped.
Then he asked me the most PAINFUL question he could possibly ever ask.
“Wendy, how can you call yourself a leader, and expect to be able to coach people to raise their standards, when you aren’t willing to do it in your own life?”
I may not be a leader in the sense that Wendy is, or starting a new business, but I do have the eyes of my children watching and learning from the decisions I make. How I handle this time in my life will teach them how to handle life as it happens to them when they are no longer under my protective wing. That's a little, no, A LOT, scary. I need to work on myself and get my act together.
Link to her blog and the remainder of this series Married to an Alcoholic.
"The thing that rings most true with me tonight from the movie is the experience of emotional addiction, and how we get addicted to emotional states in the same way that a body can get addicted to cocaine, alcohol, or any other drug. Emotions are signals sent by the brain and our cells have receptors on them to receive the message's of anger, love, hate, passion, etc. I have been addicted to the anger, resentment, and rage I have felt towards my husband, as it is a way to meet my needs. It gives me certainty and familiarity, even if it's painful. It gives me variety when our fights get out of control. It makes me feel important and significant because I can tell myself I am such a better person than he is. I feel love and connection with him, even through it all – and I’m working my tail off to connect more with myself.
I have all the incentive I could ever need to continue this way. When I am angry at him, he actually gets up off of his ass and does work around the house, and is sweet and loving. Why would I sit back and be happy with him? When I do he gets lazy, complacent, drinks again and takes total advantage of me. Only when I am angry does he become the man I want him to be (but even then, it’s not the man I know he is capable of being).
I feel so calm tonight seeing this all so much more clearly because he is out of town. I use my anger with him as a distraction for my own issues, primarily that although my life is great in so many ways, I am living up to about 20% of my full potential. I feel my unexpressed greatness weighing on me every hour of every day. My heart and intuition are driving me to greater action now, as I take steps to take control of my own addictions. I may not be an alcoholic, but I have not been able to control my emotions at home in any way, shape or form....I was working with a great coach at the time. He knew everything that was going on – the failing relationship, the fact I was staying in a job for the money yet my heart was already starting up a new business, and the fact that we had only bought our house a few months prior, so I was feeling a little trapped.
Then he asked me the most PAINFUL question he could possibly ever ask.
“Wendy, how can you call yourself a leader, and expect to be able to coach people to raise their standards, when you aren’t willing to do it in your own life?”
I may not be a leader in the sense that Wendy is, or starting a new business, but I do have the eyes of my children watching and learning from the decisions I make. How I handle this time in my life will teach them how to handle life as it happens to them when they are no longer under my protective wing. That's a little, no, A LOT, scary. I need to work on myself and get my act together.
Link to her blog and the remainder of this series Married to an Alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Wow, Katchie. That is powerful. I can so relate to this part:
(add LIFE in after addictions at the end of that sentence and it explains how I'm feeling really well. Ok, except for "unexpressed greatness" as I still don't have confidence that it's unexpressed greatness that I have so much as "unused potential")
And, this. I can relate to this, too:
I spend too much time feeling like I've failed my children (because they are teens/young adults and have lived with too much dysfunction in their lives.) Every time I feel myself going down that rabbit hole, yet again, I try to remind myself that RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, I can show them how to overcome.
Thank you for this, Katchie. I think I needed to read it this morning.
Originally Posted by Katchie 
I use my anger with him as a distraction for my own issues, primarily that although my life is great in so many ways, I am living up to about 20% of my full potential. I feel my unexpressed greatness weighing on me every hour of every day. My heart and intuition are driving me to greater action now, as I take steps to take control of my own addictions.
And, this. I can relate to this, too:
Originally Posted by Katchie
I may not be a leader in the sense that Wendy is, or starting a new business, but I do have the eyes of my children watching and learning from the decisions I make. How I handle this time in my life will teach them how to handle life as it happens to them when they are no longer under my protective wing. That's a little, no, A LOT, scary. I need to work on myself and get my act together.
Thank you for this, Katchie. I think I needed to read it this morning.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971
Wow, Katchie. That is powerful. I can so relate to this part:
(add LIFE in after addictions at the end of that sentence and it explains how I'm feeling really well. Ok, except for "unexpressed greatness" as I still don't have confidence that it's unexpressed greatness that I have so much as "unused potential")
And, this. I can relate to this, too:
I spend too much time feeling like I've failed my children (because they are teens/young adults and have lived with too much dysfunction in their lives.) Every time I feel myself going down that rabbit hole, yet again, I try to remind myself that RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, I can show them how to overcome.
Thank you for this, Katchie. I think I needed to read it this morning.
(add LIFE in after addictions at the end of that sentence and it explains how I'm feeling really well. Ok, except for "unexpressed greatness" as I still don't have confidence that it's unexpressed greatness that I have so much as "unused potential")
And, this. I can relate to this, too:
I spend too much time feeling like I've failed my children (because they are teens/young adults and have lived with too much dysfunction in their lives.) Every time I feel myself going down that rabbit hole, yet again, I try to remind myself that RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, I can show them how to overcome.
Thank you for this, Katchie. I think I needed to read it this morning.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Originally Posted by Katchie
But what I do find addictive is the familiarity of my situation and surroundings. The opposite is what scares me, but it would lead to a healthier life.
Honestly, I think fear of change is a major motivating factor for staying, for many of us in relationships with As. We may not be happy in our present circumstance but at least we know what to expect. There's some comfort in that knowledge. I guess in that regard, it is kind of like an addiction?
As for the anger and resentment, I would definitely say that I've used those feelings to avoid facing my own feelings about me... and where I am in my life. Guess I'm not so different from AH after all? Just a different means of avoiding reality.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971
Yes, this is very true for me, too. Change is happening very quickly in my house now! AH will be gone, youngest ds will be coming home, then oldest ds will be leaving & starting his life (with his own home.) So much change. It is terrifying. But, I know it's healthier and it's right. And, I know I will adjust. I'm addicted to Lewis's thread because it gives me hope that this fear & sadness will give way to hope & happiness, just as it appears to be for him.
Honestly, I think fear of change is a major motivating factor for staying, for many of us in relationships with As. We may not be happy in our present circumstance but at least we know what to expect. There's some comfort in that knowledge. I guess in that regard, it is kind of like an addiction?
As for the anger and resentment, I would definitely say that I've used those feelings to avoid facing my own feelings about me... and where I am in my life. Guess I'm not so different from AH after all? Just a different means of avoiding reality.
Honestly, I think fear of change is a major motivating factor for staying, for many of us in relationships with As. We may not be happy in our present circumstance but at least we know what to expect. There's some comfort in that knowledge. I guess in that regard, it is kind of like an addiction?
As for the anger and resentment, I would definitely say that I've used those feelings to avoid facing my own feelings about me... and where I am in my life. Guess I'm not so different from AH after all? Just a different means of avoiding reality.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I'm addicted to Lewis's thread because it gives me hope that this fear & sadness will give way to hope & happiness, just as it appears to be for him.
I used the anger I had at first to get myself through the tough part of separating. Now that things are getting into a groove the anger has dissipated and I'm left with only my inward feelings toward myself. Anger is much easier to deal with IMO. Trying to figure out what I want next and mustering the courage to pursue it is turning out to be emotional and challenging.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
