MJune

Hi,

I'm pretty new to posting in forums but I feel like I need a bit of support from someone who has been through this too. My mum passed away nearly four years ago from alcoholism and I thought at some point I would start to feel better but it hasn't happened. If anything I'm feeling more angry and confused than I ever was because I can see everyone else moving on. My mum was lovely when she was sober but became the complete opposite when she had been drinking. She was often violent towards herself in front of us and treated us like she didn't love us. Despite that my relatives speak about her as though she was some kind of angel.
I feel very isolated as my boyfriend is working abroad for a year and my dad has remarried and shows very little interest in my life. He only really contacts me when he needs something. Since my mum passed away I've also lost four other people close to me and I'm not sure I can take much more.

EveningRose

I think a lot of us have dealt with that issue of others thinking our alcoholic parent is wonderful. I heard from an employee at a store how perky and cheerful my mother is, and isn't she wonderful. It kind of makes me angry because not only is she hiding the truth--such that these people then wonder what's wrong with me that I want nothing to do with her--but I'm angry that she decided these other people get happiness and cheer, and I was only worth hearing her nag, complain, scream, cry, swear, sigh, sob, rant, get on her soapbox about how bad the rest of humanity is, and tell one awful story after another about how bad everyone else is. I'm angry that I was subjected to that, while my younger siblings got the happy fun mom--and now I'm somehow the bad one because I don't feel like listening to streams of negativity anymore? It's being doubly victimized.

Unfortunately, I don't feel like I have any advice except to just keep focusing on your own life, putting good in the world, doing what you love.

MJune

I guess it's because they hit out at those closest to then. Anyone who isn't so close only sees the mask they put on.

bothsidesnow

I'm so sorry to hear your story but you sound exceptionally strong and you're still going.

Hold into that. Each day is new and a step in the right direction even if it feels so hard to do so.

My father is an alcoholic and is now suffering with the effects of cirrhosis. He is very sick but still denying he has a problem. I have had to distance myself and come to terms with the fact that he may die of his problem with alcohol. I don't know if he is still drinking. I had to remove myself quite significantly from his life as I suffered by being so surrounded by him and his issues. Our relationship is in a wreck and I don't think we'll ever recover it as he just keeps making me feel negative things every time we interact. He is struggling to have a normal father/daughter relationship with me because we haven't really had one that didn't exist around his problems for a long time...

That said, he used to be a very good dad. Nice dad was once the main player until nasty dad took control more and more often and I grew up. I understand what it is to have people judge you for the way you feel and people who don't get why you're not the devoted child. I feel guilt still for removing myself from a sick man's life but being around him was sucking my soul and making me ill. They don't understand. Finding those who do and who can validate your worries and pain and experiences (like this forum for example) is so worthwhile.

I'm trying to keep the good things locked up as a memory to cherish. They wil be what I keep hold of.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It is something nobody should have to go through in such a way. Have you considered counselling or therapy? I went to a free counselling service when I left my father and talking therapy helped me validate feelings and actually speak of my experiences for the first time. It was so difficult and I cried for most of my sessions but they helped. It was a chance for my to actually get my feelings out, feelings that felt second best to those of my father who made my life largely focused on his own problems. I was a crutch to him.

Your mother obviously didn't treat herself well. But please don't look to others as to how you should be feeling. I was told to eradicate "should" from my vocabulary. How you ARE feeling is important. If you are struggling still and god bless you for going the strength to process further losses in your life, then perhaps you should seek support. I hear Al Anon is a support system (I don't have it where I'm from) or you could try counselling etc. if your father is not a source of support then he should be ashamed. Someone who is not willing to be there is not worth your time. I am sorry your boyfriend is so far away but even talking helps. I found that speaking to a completely impartial person whose role it is to actually offer honest guidance was most helpful. Sometimes it was challenging but you are dealing with difficult emotions and sometimes complexity that you can't fathom out. These people are there to help you achieve clarity and assist you to reach decisions yourself.

I know I can't empathise with your exact situation but I thought I'd offer what words I could. I wish you all the very best and hope you find support on these boards

bothsidesnow

Also, the toxic nature of alcoholism is that it is often a closed door problem. It is housed in homes and contained so others are entirely unaware. Many alcoholics put on the most adept front to the rest of the world, sometimes of forced perfection, often because they are lying entirely to themselves.

Others are unable to see the pain and hurt inside of that unit so don't blame yourself. You know the truth and the reality of living in that. What others say does not invalidate that or make your feelings or experiences any less. Don't let their opinions or words make you feel as if what you have gone through is anything other than what it was in truth. If you were hurt and if you're grieving for a mother who behaved badly and treated herself with little to no respect then that is what you do. You seek help from people who can see that and recognise your truth, not those who were privy to the facade am alcoholic paints to pretend they are living a normal life. You donot have to lie to yourself. By being honest you will hopefully find peace by working through the reality of your situation.

MJune

I'm really sorry to hear about your father. I understand completely your need to distance yourself from him. I did the same thing and didn't see my mum much towards the end. I moved away when I was 18 as I found watching her get worse was too painful. I felt guilty about that but it gets to the point where you need to protect yourself. I remember visiting my mum for the last time during one of her attempts to be sober and realised she didn't know me at all. It felt very strained and uncomfortable.

I have considered counselling but the idea of it makes me very nervous. I don't talk about it much with other people but I think you're right when you say talking to someone impartial could help. I'll think about giving it a go.

Thank you so much for your advice. It means a lot to me.