tired and confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 179
tired and confused
Hi SR folks - It's been a while since I posted. A quick background: I'm in my mid-30s, been with my husband for over five years, but we were friends long before that. In May I found out he was an A had been hiding drinks and lying about it for our entire relationship. I entered al anon and moved out. He entered AA and we lived apart for over six months. We're both working our programs though I try not to monitor how diligent he's being about his. We moved back in together in Mid-December but he's staying in our spare bedroom.
Where things are now: I'm lost, confused, exhausted. I'm trying to figure out whether there is a future for me in this relationship or whether I should go. I'm seeing a therapist, working the steps, we started relationship counseling, but I just don't land on any clarity. This in-between, one foot in the door and one foot out is completely unsustainable and feels unfair to both of us. Pragmatically, I don't think the future I want is here with my husband - it is hard to picture when he, and our relationship, would be a place to have kids and buy a home, two things I really want in life. Emotionally, though, it feels so so difficult to decide to leave this sober, earnest, sweet, caring, struggling person and to give up the security and comfort of this relationship, however tenuous and limited it is. When I pray on it I think my high power is directing me to end this relationship, but I have a very hard time trusting that message or accepting it. I've been taking care of myself in the day-to-day (exercise, meetings, fun, etc.) but this relationship status feels entirely unmanageable and draining.
Any words of wisdom or support? Many thanks - Springs.
Where things are now: I'm lost, confused, exhausted. I'm trying to figure out whether there is a future for me in this relationship or whether I should go. I'm seeing a therapist, working the steps, we started relationship counseling, but I just don't land on any clarity. This in-between, one foot in the door and one foot out is completely unsustainable and feels unfair to both of us. Pragmatically, I don't think the future I want is here with my husband - it is hard to picture when he, and our relationship, would be a place to have kids and buy a home, two things I really want in life. Emotionally, though, it feels so so difficult to decide to leave this sober, earnest, sweet, caring, struggling person and to give up the security and comfort of this relationship, however tenuous and limited it is. When I pray on it I think my high power is directing me to end this relationship, but I have a very hard time trusting that message or accepting it. I've been taking care of myself in the day-to-day (exercise, meetings, fun, etc.) but this relationship status feels entirely unmanageable and draining.
Any words of wisdom or support? Many thanks - Springs.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
dunno.
I can tell you that *we* (well at least me) seems to want to rush things.
He has been dry, what? Six months? From what I follow somewhere between Six months and a year is where things start to turn upward, after a year, you can see what is coming out of the oven.
But those are just some numbers.
In the meanwhile, I would recommend you do YOUR program, the Full Steps, The Sponsor Thing -- the Whole Enchilada. THAT way you come out Really Good whether Stay or Go or Still Dunno.
I can tell you that *we* (well at least me) seems to want to rush things.
He has been dry, what? Six months? From what I follow somewhere between Six months and a year is where things start to turn upward, after a year, you can see what is coming out of the oven.
But those are just some numbers.
In the meanwhile, I would recommend you do YOUR program, the Full Steps, The Sponsor Thing -- the Whole Enchilada. THAT way you come out Really Good whether Stay or Go or Still Dunno.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Do you feel like you're making good progress with yourself? Are you able to enjoy things without your husband around?
Does your husband seem to be trying to make any sort of progress with himself?
Next step would be working on your marriage. Three very separate things here. This step may or may not be something you're both ready for yet, even though you've already started with it. Marriage counseling, marriage retreats, etc. Books may be of help, but a good counselor can help get to the core of things quicker. As my husband's counselor put things, it's a matter of getting the info from being processed in the brain to being known and felt in the heart. A neutral experienced counselor can be of immense help with this. It may take a good search to find one you both click well with. How do you feel about the relationship counselor you're currently going to? Look for progress, not perfection. Clarity could be 30+ years down the line when you can look back on all this from a distance.
You have choices and the greatest thing is they don't need to be made right away.
.
Does your husband seem to be trying to make any sort of progress with himself?
Next step would be working on your marriage. Three very separate things here. This step may or may not be something you're both ready for yet, even though you've already started with it. Marriage counseling, marriage retreats, etc. Books may be of help, but a good counselor can help get to the core of things quicker. As my husband's counselor put things, it's a matter of getting the info from being processed in the brain to being known and felt in the heart. A neutral experienced counselor can be of immense help with this. It may take a good search to find one you both click well with. How do you feel about the relationship counselor you're currently going to? Look for progress, not perfection. Clarity could be 30+ years down the line when you can look back on all this from a distance.
You have choices and the greatest thing is they don't need to be made right away.
.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
btw - I'm also feeling lost, confused and exhausted. Somewhat optimistic just because I'm stronger emotionally and mentally than I have in a long time. Been married for a very long time and have had many good years. My husband is one week back from rehab. Thankfully there was a good family program at rehab and I was encouraged to see so many things we've done right as a family through all these years. I've been doing well with working on myself. Progress, but a heck of a long ways from where I need to be. I'm not sure how much he's willing to work on himself. I'm trying to be patient and give him time to sort it out. He hasn't been to an AA meeting yet, says he wants his first one (other than at rehab) to be at a town further away and didn't make mention of any definite plans to go to that. I can't push him towards his recovery, but I need to also protect my own. Tonight I'm having serious thoughts of walking away because of a comment about milk. Seriously? Not spilled milk, either. Once you take away the addiction and the addict is left without their crutch, a lot of re-wiring of the brain needed and probably some other issues also. The brain is an amazing thing. It can rewire and reroute. It can heal. Each person needs to decide how much they're willing to put into healing themselves and it takes time. No one else can do it for us. In my case, the man I still love is somewhere there but the addict who needs to heal is hard to live with, especially while I'm working on healing myself.
Sending many good wishes to you. With or without him, you'll be okay. Keep working on yourself and the other decisions you can make later. Do you think you need more space and moving back in together came too soon?
Sending many good wishes to you. With or without him, you'll be okay. Keep working on yourself and the other decisions you can make later. Do you think you need more space and moving back in together came too soon?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Springs,
Hammer is right that the non-A is so ready to move forward and fix things. We've put up with so much uncertainty already, we just want to dig in and do the right thing. Throw everything in, AA, Al-Anon, therapy, marriage counseling, etc. Hope and pray something sticks. We have expectations and goals with this chosen life partner. We need to get the RA on our timeline... We can hide a lot of codependent behavior even when we are doing what anyone would naturally want to do! Patch things up and press on.
I am in a similar period of quiet reflection. My RAH exited rehab in May. We went to marriage counseling twice and it was clear he wasn't ready. I am going to counseling myself. Right now I can only work on me.
Maybe plan a get away for yourself around his 12 mo mark? Reflect and see if you get some clarity if you indeed are ready to move on. If you still aren't sure, promise yourself you will reassess in a set time frame. Taking it one day at a time is tough, but a woman with a biological clock is dealing with some kind of biological drive that is in each beat of your heart. Have faith you will make the right decision when you are ready.
This past year I have taken several opportunities to be apart from RAH and found that my mind needed the break. It is stressful living in limbo when you are a fixer, a planner, a people-pleaser. One day at a time for me is tough when I am balancing work, a child, house, groceries, meal-planning, etc. My life has to have a bit of structure and future planning. The trick is to stop my whirring brain when it starts to future trip.
I wish you the power to discern your path. Work on you, and it will become clear.
Hammer is right that the non-A is so ready to move forward and fix things. We've put up with so much uncertainty already, we just want to dig in and do the right thing. Throw everything in, AA, Al-Anon, therapy, marriage counseling, etc. Hope and pray something sticks. We have expectations and goals with this chosen life partner. We need to get the RA on our timeline... We can hide a lot of codependent behavior even when we are doing what anyone would naturally want to do! Patch things up and press on.
I am in a similar period of quiet reflection. My RAH exited rehab in May. We went to marriage counseling twice and it was clear he wasn't ready. I am going to counseling myself. Right now I can only work on me.
Maybe plan a get away for yourself around his 12 mo mark? Reflect and see if you get some clarity if you indeed are ready to move on. If you still aren't sure, promise yourself you will reassess in a set time frame. Taking it one day at a time is tough, but a woman with a biological clock is dealing with some kind of biological drive that is in each beat of your heart. Have faith you will make the right decision when you are ready.
This past year I have taken several opportunities to be apart from RAH and found that my mind needed the break. It is stressful living in limbo when you are a fixer, a planner, a people-pleaser. One day at a time for me is tough when I am balancing work, a child, house, groceries, meal-planning, etc. My life has to have a bit of structure and future planning. The trick is to stop my whirring brain when it starts to future trip.
I wish you the power to discern your path. Work on you, and it will become clear.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 179
Taking it one day at a time is tough, but a woman with a biological clock is dealing with some kind of biological drive that is in each beat of your heart.
Codejob - this is exactly how I feel. Like time is slipping away for what I want most in life.
Thanks all for the kind words. I am working on myself and enjoying life outside of this relationship, especially old and new friends. I like the idea of picking set time-frames to check in with myself as to where things are. Hopefully this will get easier.
Codejob - this is exactly how I feel. Like time is slipping away for what I want most in life.
Thanks all for the kind words. I am working on myself and enjoying life outside of this relationship, especially old and new friends. I like the idea of picking set time-frames to check in with myself as to where things are. Hopefully this will get easier.
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