Jess54

My former boyfriend is an alcoholic and addict. When we first started dating, I was very skeptical about giving him a chance. I decided to give him a chance because he was a loving, caring, supportive and a great guy when clean/sober. That was the real him, his true self. We were not together long, but he had 3 known relapses to alcohol and cocaine that I was aware of. He texted/called me while drunk and high. Each relapse he pleaded and begged me to stay with him and to give him another chance. I cared about him and I felt sorry for him, so I would give in and give him another chance. A month ago was the last straw for me. He invited me over to his place and 1 hour later when I arrive he is highly intoxicated. I left. Again, he pleaded and begged me to give him another chance and that he would change. This time I did not give him another chance. I told him that he cannot change for me and that he must be internally motivated to recover from his addiction. Since then, he has spiraled out of control with the cocaine. I'm pretty certain he has been using everyday. He continues to contact me while high/drunk and he has given up on trying to win me back. I think the take home message is that someone who is addicted to alcohol/drugs cannot change for another person. It doesn't work. Despite this recognition, of course I am still hurt and feel betrayed. My heart and emotions are involved and at times it is difficult for me to think rationally. I truly feel sorry for him and I hope that one day he will change. He is on a very dangerous path right now and I feel his substance use is getting worse and worse by the day. His path will lead to prison or death. My heart feels as though he chose the alcohol/drugs over me, but rationally I know this is not the case. Walking away from a person that you care about is a tough decision, but I respected myself enough to walk away from him. I cannot help him. He has to help himself. My heart wants to save him, but I know this is not possible. He does not want to save himself at this time and I have to accept that and move on. There is nothing I can do.

gabriel01

I'm proud of you. You are very strong.

FeelingGreat

Jess54, many people goes through years of heart-ache before they find the strength to leave an active addict. Congratulations on having strength and self-esteem to move on.

Seren

Hello Jess, Welcome to SR!

I'm sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us! The greatest relief to me when I found SR was that I was not alone.

This shows a lot of wisdom and courage. Yes, there is always pain when any relationship breaks up, but it will pass in time. And time is definitely on your side, here!

Have you considered cutting off all contact at this point? I know it would feel like a cruel or dramatic step, but it's not to punish him--but to protect you. No new contact = no new pain.

AngelWings72

I can relate to everything you just said..I walked into a relationship very skeptical because of his honesty I was informed he had been clean and sober for 4 yrs and had not been in a realtionship for that length of time. He was using pot and drinking during that time he said he was sober and clean...although his drug of choice was cocaine. I felt sorry for him when I met him and I think most will feel sorry for the addict when they are acting humble and quoting the twelves steps and scripture. To look at him now and where he has taken me..I am so greatful you got out early. I didnt and suffered severe consequences. I was foolishly in love with him when he returned to using full time and he kept it a great big secret until domestic violence became a problem...then I recognized so clearly what was going on and starting taking steps to remove myself. I put three protective orders in place before the judge gave me a permanent one and I almost post poned removing myself from the situation again because I felt sorry for him although he had already caused so much pain and damange to my self esteem and to my life. I really hope you mean what you say and you say what you mean to ending it with him. It's not a road paved with gold. I have enough self preservation and satisfaction with leaving him and putting these boundaries in place. I cant feel guilty about my self preservation or my ability to love myself today as I didnt in the past few years. i can say I am greatful now to take my life back as it once was before meeting him. He took something away from me that I can never get back...lost time with my sons. I will never regain the time I shared with the addict that doesnt love himself muchless anyone elses kids. Today ..I am greatful. I am going to take it one day at a time until I see more results of healing.Thank you for sharing your story and for listening :o)

Jess54

Thank you all for your comments and congrats.

Seren, I agree with you 100% about cutting all contact off with him. Last week, he texted me while drunk and high and was being very mean to me. I know he's angry with me for walking away and the alcohol/cocaine turn him into a mean person at times. I asked him to please stop contacting me and that I no longer want to be apart of his alcohol/drug addiction. The next day he sent me a text message and apologized for his behavior and told me that he would leave me alone and delete my number out of his phone. I did not respond. I have not heard from him since. I am hoping this time he will listen to me and stop contacting me.

Angelwings, I am very sorry for what you have gone through. You should also be proud of your self for walking away from him, even if it took you some time to walk away, you did it. I'm sorry to hear about the domestic violence. Good for you for having the courage to protect yourself in this scary situation and file an order of protection. I hope you are able to heal and move on from your experience. I'm sure your pain is much more intense than mine, but I understand to a degree as to what you are going through. Good luck with your own recovery in terms of healing from this experience and re-building your self-esteem.

SoaringSpirits

You are a smart, smart girl. Good on you for saving yourself a lot of heartache. I know how sad it is to watch someone you love/like go down this path. Hugs to you.

spiderqueen

I could have written this, except my XA's DOC is alcohol, with Xanax thrown in. I am still working on acceptance, as well. I haven't seen him for over 6 months, but we talk occasionally. My therapist asked me recently how much I still felt tied to him, and I admitted it was somewhere between 10-20%. She said, let's call it 15 then, and figure out how to get it down to 0.

When you said he isn't trying to win you back anymore, I can relate. Mine stopped asking to see me (a relief), but it's terrifying in a way, because I know it's because he can't pull it together enough even for a lunch date.

I haven't gone NC yet, but I am considering it. To be honest, I know hearing he still loves me is a pathetic consolation, or some kind of lame validation, and that's the part I need to let go of all the way.

So glad for your post, thanks.

atalose

You didn't know him long, how do you know that was the real him and not the mask he put on in order to capture you?

We often talk about falling for someone's potential, the potential WE think they have usually based on the act they first put on. We tend to fall fast and hard for it. Then usually stick around waiting for that side of the person to return once again. Until we realize that, that person was most likely not the real person at all because the additct is.

It was good you got out when you did and didnt waste any more of your life waiting for what you thought was his potential to emerge again.

You need to figure out why you keep the avenue open for him to continue to contact you? And why you haven't fully walked away yet.

blake1989

Thanks for this, Jess. I can relate to those feelings.

I just walked away only a few days ago. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but the first thing I needed to do, I guess. She has bombarded me with alternately abusive voicemails and pleading emails saying she "wants" to change. "i want to stop drinking." Saying she will never have another drop of alcohol again, just give her a second chance.

But somehow it sounds like it's all for me. She can't quit for me. Too many times have I shown up, just like you, and within an hour she is effectively gone. There were so many final straws like that.

There is something I read here a long time ago and rejected, internalized, rejected again, and slowly accepted: they are the same person. I used to say when she wasn't drinking, that's the real her.

My parents met my girlfriend. They loved her, and I mean they were super excited, and this was serious - like this was it. Because I thought it was. My mom wrote me long emails about what a special girl she is, how graceful, put together, and articulate. That is because she kept it together for the single day she met them. And that was with the xanax i now believe she uses to mitigate not having a drink. When they left, she asked me 'i was really good today wasn't I? I didn't even order anything.' And back to the usual..

Jess54

Thank you for also sharing your experience as well. It sounds like we are going through the same thing at the moment. Despite the fact that we were the ones to walk away and the relationship was unhealthy for us, we will both experience the loss and grief over the end of our relationships. I'm grieving over the loss now. I do miss him. I had been hanging on to the idea that maybe he would get better and we could have a successful relationship, but I'm coming to terms with the reality that it's not possible and that my wish will not come true. I have not heard from him for several days. He had indicated to me through a text message that he would leave me alone and delete my number and I never responded back. It appears as though he is letting go and I will no longer hear from him. Despite the fact that he is listening to my wishes and not contacting me, I still miss hearing from him (if that makes any sense). I feel your pain and I'm sure we both will heal and be able to move on.

Jess54

Thank you for your post. It is quit possible that he was putting on a mask to win me over, it's difficult to tell. I agree with you, I saw potential in him and I had hoped that he would get better.

At this point, I have not heard from him in several days and he supposedly deleted my number. But you are right, I did keep an avenue open for him to contact me and I think out of guilt for walking away. I also still cared about him. I realize that in order for me to move on fully, he cannot be in my life whatsoever, not even via text or phone. I think he is respecting my wishes and withdrawing all contact from me and letting me go.

atalose

You know it's ok to miss the people we no longer want in our lives.

How about YOU take back some power and YOU delete HIS # instead of waiting for him to do that.

Here's the thing with addicts - they don't respect themselves so how could they respect you?

Take back your power, block the # and get on with the life you are meant to live.

Jess54

Thank you for pointing this out to me. You are absolutely correct. I need to move on 100% from him.