Am I being manipulated? Maintaining my sanity!

Old 01-31-2014, 05:14 PM
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Am I being manipulated? Maintaining my sanity!

My head is spinning so hopefully this makes sense!
I have a really good friend who is an alcoholic. I've been warned that he is crazy, selfish, and hard to love. Up until now he has always been really good to me though and I've never had to experience his wrath! It was always him bitching about other people.
Well we got into an argument that I'll admit, I started because I let my feelings get the best of me. It happens, communication fails. I realize I was wrong and I apologized.
But this fight has turned into the never ending fight from hell!
Now, no matter what I say or do or how understanding I try to be of his feelings I am the crazy f'ed up one who is sick in the head, selfish, ect. I feel like I am being manipulated into thinking that I am crazy and just did something so awful so he doesn't have to take responsibility for any of his actions!
I just don't understand how someone can go from being loving and kind and funny to being down right mean and childish really. I'm trying really hard to not play the victim card. How someone else treats me is not my fault, the only thing I can control is my reaction but I feel like I am losing my mind!
Anybody who has been here, what do you about this? I can only stay busy for so long. I can only avoid him for so long. Am I supposed to be the bigger person and forgive him and accept that this is a disease? Or do I stand my ground that someone who cares about you shouldn't treat you that way. Where's the line between being understanding and having self respect?
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Old 01-31-2014, 05:19 PM
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He's an alcoholic. They are not logical because addiction is not logical.

You haven't said what your relationship is with this person. Are they just a friend, or is it more? Do you live together? No one deserves to be treated badly. If he is being cruel, then detach from him. This is easier if you don't live together.

Take a time out. Discontinue all contact (email, text, phone, etc.) for a few weeks. He cannot abuse you if you don't have any contact with him.

And yes, you are being manipulated.
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Old 01-31-2014, 05:27 PM
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You are not crazy. There seems to be a lot o evidence of your friend alienating people. It is possible to forgive the person and still stay away for your own sanity. Being a good person or a good friend doesn't mean that people get to tear a chunk out of your self esteem when ever they feel like it. Relationships are not meant to be one sided. For me forgiveness and self respect are not mutually exclusive, I wish I had known that all along. Most days I manage to wish my XABF the best of luck I'm just not going to show up for the verbal abuse anymore.
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Old 01-31-2014, 05:32 PM
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You have to realize that an alcoholic's mood and feelings can change in a split second. They are never at fault in their mind in my experience. For instance, one minute, my alcoholic wife was thanking me for giving her experiences she had never had before and for being her best friend, and in the next minute she will not talk to me because I am not giving her what she needs. You can forgive, but do not forget and let him take advantage of you.
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Old 01-31-2014, 05:32 PM
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Ugh you asked what we are. We've been friends forever and I'm really close to his family. We started spending more time together this year and became really good friends. That's kinda what the fight was about. It's like he can't make up his mind about anything. Sometimes he says he hates women and only loves himself, other days he is spending every free moment with me. Someone once told me that they think it's because I'm a fairly "normal" woman who doesn't have a boatload of issues and drama so it scares him because he doesn't know what to do. I guess that's supposed to be funny!
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Old 01-31-2014, 05:51 PM
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Originally Posted by 987g View Post
It's like he can't make up his mind about anything. Sometimes he says he hates women and only loves himself, other days he is spending every free moment with me.
My ex used to do this a lot thank god I found SR and realized this is typical of alcoholics. The effect it has on your self esteem and your sanity long term should not be underestimated.
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Old 01-31-2014, 05:57 PM
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Originally Posted by 987g View Post
Sometimes he says he hates women and only loves himself, other days he is spending every free moment with me.
This does not sound healthy, no matter how you slice it. I hope you are not developing romantic feelings for this person. I don't think he is partner material.

My xA would woman-bash, especially when drunk. And also was very self-involved. Not great qualities in a boyfriend.

For a while, I was determined to prove him wrong, makes things better, show him the light. Not possible, just a sad waste of time.

I hope things turn out better for you, take care of yourself.
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Old 01-31-2014, 06:02 PM
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Well I am glad I decided to post. It is really hard to not let him get inside my head, especially when I really do care about him. I keep reminding myself that I don't need to feel bad for him. He can't treat people bad just because he's had a rough past. Everybody has something, right?
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Old 01-31-2014, 06:13 PM
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Originally Posted by spiderqueen View Post
This does not sound healthy, no matter how you slice it. I hope you are not developing romantic feelings for this person. I don't think he is partner material.
Yes...I hate to admit it but he got to me. I feel like he is the definition of Jekyll and Hyde.

Sometimes he constantly wants to spend time together; he will be confident, kind to others, giving, and seems to be at peace with everything.

Other times I won't really have any contact with him; he seems irritated and pissy like the world owes him something. And he can have a low self esteem, like he doesn't believe anyone loves him. Usually in the past when he has been like that with me, it's usually not JUST because of me. Usually he comes out with it later that there are other things going on. He can be very secretive and way more emotional then he lets on.
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Old 01-31-2014, 06:42 PM
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Jekyll and Hyde - that's a huge huuuuge red flag. This is how I used to describe my husband's behavior. He changes in 5 seconds. He is also alienating people and is full of negativities, about everybody and everything. And when you are around such a person long enough, you start getting used to it, start fitting his needs, and perhaps even becoming as negative.
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Old 01-31-2014, 06:52 PM
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Originally Posted by 987g View Post
Yes...I hate to admit it but he got to me. I feel like he is the definition of Jekyll
There are books out there with that title. I think its called Jekyll and Hyde syndrome. I felt my ex was like this too. Claiming to want to spend time with me then when I would act accordingly he would claim to need space. He also claimed that i forced him into the relationship when I remember that he clearly asked me to be his girlfriend. What I think tripped me up before I started educating myself about alcoholism and abuse is that sometimes these behaviors are intentional. The cutting remarks are calculated to manage down your expectations while they (the abusive alcoholic) still get to be supported by you when they need a hand to hold. It's pure selfishness really. Don't excuse away the behaviors because sometimes they are nice, because you know what, with the exception of the alcoholic in my life the people that I love and trust always treat me with respect.
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Old 02-01-2014, 04:44 AM
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Can you just focus on you and just take care of yourself?

Originally Posted by 987g View Post
My head is spinning so hopefully this makes sense!
I have a really good friend who is an alcoholic. I've been warned that he is crazy, selfish, and hard to love. Up until now he has always been really good to me though and I've never had to experience his wrath! It was always him bitching about other people.
Well we got into an argument that I'll admit, I started because I let my feelings get the best of me. It happens, communication fails. I realize I was wrong and I apologized.
But this fight has turned into the never ending fight from hell!
Now, no matter what I say or do or how understanding I try to be of his feelings I am the crazy f'ed up one who is sick in the head, selfish, ect. I feel like I am being manipulated into thinking that I am crazy and just did something so awful so he doesn't have to take responsibility for any of his actions!
I just don't understand how someone can go from being loving and kind and funny to being down right mean and childish really. I'm trying really hard to not play the victim card. How someone else treats me is not my fault, the only thing I can control is my reaction but I feel like I am losing my mind!
Anybody who has been here, what do you about this? I can only stay busy for so long. I can only avoid him for so long. Am I supposed to be the bigger person and forgive him and accept that this is a disease? Or do I stand my ground that someone who cares about you shouldn't treat you that way. Where's the line between being understanding and having self respect?
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Old 02-01-2014, 05:09 AM
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This man has told you how he feels about women. Don't think you are enough of an exception to his rule. Secondly if he is an A, then A will come first.

If he wants to keep rehashing this one small miscommunication that you truly apologized for, I would take this experience as hurricane warning. Do you want to deal with a hurricane warning every time life happens?

Just reflect on what you told us, you are being warned by others who know this person too. Honey, you can do better. You need to build yourself up so you believe THAT.
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