Friendship Over
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 5
Friendship Over
I am having a lot of trouble letting go of a friend. Our friendship is dead. But, I always blame myself for it. And then I start feeling bad. And then I think I should contact her. But I don't even know what I would say.
What I would like to say is: "The person you hung out with isn't really me."
The entire friendship I just did what she wanted. We went drinking every single time we hung out. I thought this was normal since we were young. The problem is...I don't want to hang out with her now even doing sober things. Like, I can't view her as a real friend. And I am also ashamed of my past behavior and I feel she doesn't have a whole lot of respect for me because of that. A lot of time has passed with us not speaking. And I think that contributes to that as well.
I wonder if anyone else has experienced this feeling? It makes me feel bad, like I am not a good friend. I also do not have many friends, so I fall into the trap of wanting to contact her just for the sake of having a friend.
It's like I can't admit it is over. And she hasn't either. She last tried to contact me and I did not respond. Maybe that is why I am feeling guilty.
What I would like to say is: "The person you hung out with isn't really me."
The entire friendship I just did what she wanted. We went drinking every single time we hung out. I thought this was normal since we were young. The problem is...I don't want to hang out with her now even doing sober things. Like, I can't view her as a real friend. And I am also ashamed of my past behavior and I feel she doesn't have a whole lot of respect for me because of that. A lot of time has passed with us not speaking. And I think that contributes to that as well.
I wonder if anyone else has experienced this feeling? It makes me feel bad, like I am not a good friend. I also do not have many friends, so I fall into the trap of wanting to contact her just for the sake of having a friend.
It's like I can't admit it is over. And she hasn't either. She last tried to contact me and I did not respond. Maybe that is why I am feeling guilty.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Nottingham (UK)
Posts: 2,690
to SR 
I think it's important to surround ourselves with people who lift and inspire us - make us feel warm, fuzzy and happy when we see them. It doesn't sound like this friendship was giving you those feelings. 
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 321
Ah, Thanks for reminding me Skye. I did get right to the point...
Definitely welcome to SR! It's good to have you join us here.
My point in asking that is when we drink or drug, some of us engage in behavior that hurts others. This leads to damaged relationships. Part of recovery is repairing those relationships. Now, one big thing is to try to not repeat the behavior that damaged the relationship in the first place, and this is typically called a living amends. Another part of this is the actual amends, it goes something like this....
"Hey George, just wanted to talk to you for a minute... You remember when I drove your car into the side of your house? Yeah... look, I was wrong for that. It cost you a decent bit of money to repair both the car and the house, and it never should have happened. I'd like to pay you back for those repairs, as it was my fault."
During this process, we shouldn't have expectations as to whether or not the other person accepts the amends. They might spit in our face and call the cops on us. They might not even acknowledge you. Or it might begin a new phase in the relationship that has never been seen before. We also shouldn't point out that George dared us to do it and gave the keys over. Nor should we argue when he says that it's a bit late, as this happened ten years ago. Nor will a simple "My bad, I'm sorry" cut it. A repair is in order.
And, more to the point, the point in this isn't primarily to repair the relationship. It is to clean our side of the street so we don't feel guilty about what we did, and so we don't feel ashamed for NOT trying to repair the relationship.
Hope this helps,
Definitely welcome to SR! It's good to have you join us here.
My point in asking that is when we drink or drug, some of us engage in behavior that hurts others. This leads to damaged relationships. Part of recovery is repairing those relationships. Now, one big thing is to try to not repeat the behavior that damaged the relationship in the first place, and this is typically called a living amends. Another part of this is the actual amends, it goes something like this....
"Hey George, just wanted to talk to you for a minute... You remember when I drove your car into the side of your house? Yeah... look, I was wrong for that. It cost you a decent bit of money to repair both the car and the house, and it never should have happened. I'd like to pay you back for those repairs, as it was my fault."
During this process, we shouldn't have expectations as to whether or not the other person accepts the amends. They might spit in our face and call the cops on us. They might not even acknowledge you. Or it might begin a new phase in the relationship that has never been seen before. We also shouldn't point out that George dared us to do it and gave the keys over. Nor should we argue when he says that it's a bit late, as this happened ten years ago. Nor will a simple "My bad, I'm sorry" cut it. A repair is in order.
And, more to the point, the point in this isn't primarily to repair the relationship. It is to clean our side of the street so we don't feel guilty about what we did, and so we don't feel ashamed for NOT trying to repair the relationship.
Hope this helps,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: CA
Posts: 210
Yep, I can relate. I had drinking buddies and all our activities had to involve booze. Take that away and we really don't have much in common. There are a couple friends I no longer see due to this.
I did feel bad about it for awhile. But the truth is we are going separate directions. It's not anyone's fault. I'm going in a positive direction and anyone that doesn't support that is not a true friend. You do not need to feel bad. This is very common when people make changes. Just focus on doing what is right for you.
I did feel bad about it for awhile. But the truth is we are going separate directions. It's not anyone's fault. I'm going in a positive direction and anyone that doesn't support that is not a true friend. You do not need to feel bad. This is very common when people make changes. Just focus on doing what is right for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome! Most of us can relate. When we were drunks most of our "friends" were in reality just other drunks we got smashed with. Take that away and what's left?
It may be worth trying to salvage the relationship but if not don't cry over spilt milk. I don't mean it harshly but it's the reality that once we get sober our lives change. Not everyone will fit in with your new life.
Good luck, and it's good to have you at SR!
It may be worth trying to salvage the relationship but if not don't cry over spilt milk. I don't mean it harshly but it's the reality that once we get sober our lives change. Not everyone will fit in with your new life.
Good luck, and it's good to have you at SR!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 34
I had a friend of 25 years that I've left behind. All of our time together was centered around drinking events. She has become very emotionally abusive over the last 2 years EVERY time she is drinking. I have enough going on in my own head that I have to deal with. When I finally came to terms with the fact that I couldn't maintain this friendship any longer I was very sad. Now it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
relationships are often a little bit like roads; some of them are long and winding and stretch on endlessly. We cherish them and find ourselves frequently rolling along their scenic bends that have seemed to become a central part of our lives.
Others, we travel for a time, on our way someplace else.... they bring us value, they bring us growth, but their primary purpose is to lead us onward in our journey and we may never travel them again.
Others, we travel for a time, on our way someplace else.... they bring us value, they bring us growth, but their primary purpose is to lead us onward in our journey and we may never travel them again.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi CJ
I lost a few drinking buddies - and some I thought were real friends - but I gained many more.
I was always the one being led in my drinking relationships. Being sober helped me learn to stand on my own two feet and make my own decisions.
The friends I have now respect that
D
I lost a few drinking buddies - and some I thought were real friends - but I gained many more.
I was always the one being led in my drinking relationships. Being sober helped me learn to stand on my own two feet and make my own decisions.
The friends I have now respect that
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 31
My QUITTING drinking is hurting my relationship with me wife. She doesn't really support me stopping so that makes it so much more difficult. We are drinking buddies and she doesn't want that to end. I made it 37 days before I drank again last time. She wanted us to share a nice bottle of wine at Christmas, a 20 year tradition for us. I gave in and within a few days of progressively drinking more I quickly went back to a bender. It's very humbling and embarrassing. It would be sooo much easier if she were more supportive. I hated so much to disappoint her by ending our tradition but I would have been so much better off if I had.
I read on here often about people losing friends once they become sober. I'm hoping I don't lose my wife.
I read on here often about people losing friends once they become sober. I'm hoping I don't lose my wife.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Getting sober is a time of upheaval for everyone, haveaproblem - maybe moreso for our partners because they can sometimes have little understanding of why we're quitting.
Give it a little time - I'm sure your relationship is based on more than a shared Xmas drink
D
Give it a little time - I'm sure your relationship is based on more than a shared Xmas drink
D
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