Advice-Girlfriend was unfaithful

Old 01-30-2014, 07:39 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 2
Advice-Girlfriend was unfaithful

Good evening everyone.

I come to you at my lowest point and seek honest advice.

I have been with Sarah for a year now and we have fallen deeply in love.We are both in our mid 20s and have started to talk about settling down and starting a life together. Things have mostly been great but there have been some problems. She comes from a really painful and frightening childhood. The father was an abuser and her small community a very unhealthy environment.

My background has been a lot more stable. We met at work at the lowest point in her adult life. A lot was going wrong for her and she was completely depressed. She drank every night after work to escape reality and barely ate food. She would grind her teeth all night and wake up with sore jaws.

We spent a lot of time together while working and fell in love with each other. Spent weekends away at cottages and exploring new places.

I am a kind and gentle human being and have opened up my heart to help, comfort and support her as much as i possibly can. I love her deeply and suffer her pain with her. She has acknowledged this on a daily basis and has said things about how I am the only one truly in her corner and always on her side, which is the complete truth. Told me because of me she finally wants more for herself in life.

I made it my mission to stop the nightmares and the grinding of her teeth and took it as a sign of the progress we were making together. Often just the gentle touch of my hand on her cheek and a loving kiss on her forehead would stop it for a moment.

We come from different provinces and eventually she had to return home for a few months to take care of an ailing family member(who usurps sarahs hard earned money). There is no work in the area and so I was only able to visit for 2 months before having to return.

When she left my home we were eating 3 full meals a day, she barely ground her teeth at night, was genuinely stress free and finally happy. You could see it in her mood and hear it from her own words. We were both deeply in love.

When I left her home she was drinking more often, grinding her teeth, eating very little and often upset/depressed.

Now due to family reasons we have spent over a month apart because she has been guilted and manipulated into waiting to see if the relative needed a surgery.

They didnt.

Two weeks ago we had a deep conversation on the phone and she talked about how home life was 'literally killing her', because there is nothing but betrayal, deception and alcohol in that community. We both agreed it was a life together we wanted and went on to talk about all the amazing moments we have ahead of us when she moves to my home. She was so excited and was determined to book a flight the next morning. pack up all her stuff and come.

the next day when she announced to her family... In her own words, she was manipulated and threatened by the relatives into staying in limbo to wait and help. she couldnt come....

When I awoke to find the news i was completely devastated. After all the beautiful things we had talked about together. She is stuck for maybe months in an environment which is killing her...

We both wept alone, all day. It was a very low moment to experience.

A few nights later she went to the bar depressed and miserable and drank herself into a stupor. She took someone home and they had sex. She does not remember much, but enough to be sure.

Today we learn the surgery is cancelled and she can finally leave but before booking to leave she called me and had to confess what happened. She said she could not keep this from me and start a life with me. I had to know and to be willing to work through her mistake for her to book a flight.

The truth is I would never have known if she did not speak up to me. She has been miserable these past 2 week trying to maintain the illusion that there was nothing wrong and listening to the wonderful things I've been saying. She considers it the worst mistake of her life. She has pleaded for my forgiveness and wants to come to my home and live faithfully with me. She acknowledges she has a drinking problem and that it has to change.

I am completely devastated and caught off guard. I trusted her completely and never doubted her once. But her alcohol abuse has done such terrible damage to us now.

I wanted this life together so badly but now this has happened. I feel sick to my stomach when I think of her being pleasured by another man.

I dont know what to do.. I love this woman deeply but am so hurt.

Is it possible for someone to genuinely make a mistake or am i just kidding myself? I dont want to give up on this love but I do not want to become jelous and unsure.


Sorry for the length.
FriendlyGuy is offline  
Old 01-30-2014, 08:23 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
BoxinRotz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
The super short answer is... You're kidding yourself! Not only that but you are cheating yourself out of a healthy relationship with a healthy woman and it's not her!!!


Stick around. Read the Stickies. LEARN!!! This is not a, What can I do for her? deal. It's a, What can I do for myself?!!! kinda deal!!! I can tell you that life is not peaches and cream when married to an alcoholic. It will get worse. The question is... Do you wanna stick around and see what alcohell can bring you? It's your choice... I'm sure she'll make arrangements for your first class ticket to hell. Sounds like she's already got your suitcase packed.

ALL ABOARD THE CRAZY TRAAAAAAIN!
BoxinRotz is offline  
Old 01-30-2014, 08:38 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi FriendlyGuy, has she been able to easily control her drinking when in a stable environment with you?
I see the issue as her relationship with alcohol rather than a drunken encounter where she came clean to you the next day. You may not be able to get past the infidelity, and I think that depends on what you value in a relationship. Fidelity or honesty.
Alcohol dependence is a different thing. You need to evaluate whether she is capable of sobriety when not in the toxic atmosphere of her home. Alcoholism isn't an easy fix, and unless sobriety is her absolute first priority, she may relapse. Are you ready for that?
It's obvious that for her own sake she must never be left alone with her family. It would have been much better if you had made the flight to collect her rather that leave her to be bullied. Sorry if that sounds blunt and judgemental, but with her background she is going to need your support to stand up to her family.
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 01-30-2014, 09:47 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
EnglishGarden's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
A person should never be his or her partner's therapist. In your relationship with this wounded person--and I agree, she is wounded--you took on a savior role which just cannot work. There are so many reasons why. Too many to list here. But this kind of savior-victim dynamic in a relationship is not healthy for either person and it is ultimately destructive to the relationship.

The issue, from my reading of your story, is her mental health and her critical need for professional help, for recovery from child abuse, for alcohol abuse or possibly addiction, for trauma. You are NOT qualified to give her what she needs.

She needs a long and sustained amount of therapy. She needs treatment for her disorders. She is unable to meet another human being--you--in a genuine way, and in fact she is so lost to herself that, to add to all her other problems, she would likely become extremely dependent on you for security, self-esteem, and even for her sense of identity.

I write all this with great compassion, for some of my dearest friends come from horrific family abuse, and of those friends, two were unfaithful to their partners. They were messed up by their abusive backgrounds and they had no center. Infidelity does not always mean absence of morality. Sometimes it means a hollowed out shell of a person acting out in self-destructive ways.

But even as I know this, I also know that I personally, once betrayed, could not stay. However, there are others who can work through such a situation and who can rebuild. Every person is different and has different capacities.

The risk in your situation is that you will accept her apology and remorse, repress your anger, take her back, expect her to be a good partner to you, and all without her ever having any therapy or recovery whatsoever. And that will be a disaster. It will also be selfish.

Advise her to seek serious help. Step away long enough for her to really begin to heal (the minimum amount of time is a year, in most cases, and in my experience, it is about two to three years).

Some men like wounded women because they like playing a "father" role to them and they like being the one who is more in "control." Take some time to examine yourself and find out whether you were headed in that direction.

You are both young, under 30, and no one can expect you to have a lot of answers. You have so little life experience. But I tell you, the young woman you love needs therapy more than she needs romance. More than she needs you.
EnglishGarden is offline  
Old 01-30-2014, 10:14 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Pia
Member
 
Pia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
My advice would be deal with you wounds don't expect her to change and run like Hell.
Your devastated now **** it will get worse. Why do you think this forum exists?
Pia is offline  
Old 01-30-2014, 10:23 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: BC
Posts: 111
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz View Post
The super short answer is... You're kidding yourself! Not only that but you are cheating yourself out of a healthy relationship with a healthy woman and it's not her!!! Stick around. Read the Stickies. LEARN!!! This is not a, What can I do for her? deal. It's a, What can I do for myself?!!! kinda deal!!! I can tell you that life is not peaches and cream when married to an alcoholic. It will get worse. The question is... Do you wanna stick around and see what alcohell can bring you? It's your choice... I'm sure she'll make arrangements for your first class ticket to hell. Sounds like she's already got your suitcase packed. ALL ABOARD THE CRAZY TRAAAAAAIN!
^^^^ THIS!

I suggest you educate yourself about "codependent". Read the book called "codependent, no more"

Do you think that she is capable to return you with a healthy relationship or a healthy love? If not, are you willing to put up with that for the rest of your life? If she is not getting help (on her own will), I can guarantee you that it is impossible her problem will change all the sudden by itself. It took that long, so many years she suffers on her addiction, it will takes more than a double effort and time for her to recover from her problems (very possible even a longer)

You might find what people suggest to you here is a little harsh at the beginning. But all of us are telling you by experience. We all experienced of you are going through and how you feel right now. Read more posts and books, educate yourself about addiction.
gabriel01 is offline  
Old 01-31-2014, 02:25 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
You said you,ve only known her a year, you are in your 20's, whole life ahead of you.

Why do you need this in your life?

Infidelity is a deal breaker for me, I don't know about anyone else.
fluffyflea is offline  
Old 01-31-2014, 03:29 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hawkeye13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,372
You can't fix anyone but yourself, unfortunately.

If any of use could have "loved" our damaged person's problems away we would have and this forum would not be here.

In my case, I am what is called a "double winner" and I grew up with an alcoholic mother, my spouse has alcohol problems, and I am a recovered alcoholic myself.
I nearly destroyed myself trying to love and protect my mother for most of my life.
It did not work as I just never made it essential that she care for herself fully and deal with her own problems. In the jargon here, I was an "enabler".

I also grew up in abusive home and grind my teeth.
My husband couldn't "repair" the damage to me and instead became alcohol dependent himself dealing with my drinking and dyfunctional family trying to "help" me.

It was only when I sought help for myself on my own that I stopped drinking and got my emotional crap together about my family. He could not do that for me, and when he tried to be involved, it was harmful to us both.

My strong advice here is to let her work on healing herself and step back from trying to heal her yourself. Until she does that, she will not be able to be a healthy, happy member of a partnership. I was nearly forty five before I dealt with my issues and it took years--lucky for her, she could make a start much earlier.

I'm sorry both of you are dealing with this, but believe it or not, trying to save her will only drag you both down. She must find her own way.
Hawkeye13 is online now  
Old 01-31-2014, 04:07 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Katiekate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
she is in her 20's.

She is staying where she is because she wants to.

Being in her dysfunction is comfortable for her.

I see a lot of denial, romanticism, and unhealthy dynamics out of the gate here.

She needs recovery and I beieve you do too.
Katiekate is offline  
Old 01-31-2014, 04:13 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello FriendlyGuy and Welcome!

I understand the feeling when you find out someone you love and thought loved you was unfaithful. My ex husband had an affair.

One thing I truly believe....alcohol is not an excuse. There are plenty of alcoholics in active addiction who would never, ever cheat. There are some who say they would never cheat except have while using alcohol.

Whether or not you decide to pursuit the relationship or leave is really up to you. If I ask you what you want (other than for none of this to have happened), what do you believe your answer to be? If you have ever given any consideration to the type of long-term relationship you want, what does that look like? Does this relationship meet any of those needs?
Seren is offline  
Old 01-31-2014, 05:02 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz View Post

ALL ABOARD THE CRAZY TRAAAAAAIN!
Friendly Guy -- the train has slowed down enough for you to JUMP.

JUMP!

why are you still reading this?

JUMP OFF THE TRAIN!
Hammer is offline  
Old 01-31-2014, 06:23 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
We met at work at the lowest point in her adult life.

when a relationship starts with at least one person being very damaged, the individuals are not EQUALS. it's sets up the desire to fix, rescue, help, change and heal - rather than BE, enjoy, share and live.

I made it my mission to stop the nightmares and the grinding of her teeth and took it as a sign of the progress we were making together

that should be HER mission.....to fix and resolve her own issues. you are not her therapist, sleep specialist or orthodontist. her progress is not YOUR progress.

as it is, left to her own devices, she immediately falls back into old habits....allowing others to manipulate her, choosing to stay in a toxic unhealthy environment, drinking and going home with strange men. if she comes back, she brings all that unresolved stuff with her. and it will always be there, between you.

you're 20 something. so much life ahead. this could be a real learning experience for you.....
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 01-31-2014, 06:24 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
jessicajoe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 182
Hiya friendly guy.
I'm sorry I know it hurts.
A couple of things to ponder (like the cat in the hat)

Thing one:- If you get to have the credit for "making her better" are you ready to take the blame when she flounders or fails ? If she is going to sort it out she has to be the person who takes responsibility for that.

Thing two:- (Someone at my AlAnon group taught me this and it makes sense to me) Although you said you fell deeply in love your feelings don't come from Sarah they come from inside you. It may have been her who opened the box but the contents are all yours. All it means is friendly guy is capable of feeling love. If you think this through (to me) it means the opportunities are there to experience these feelings again, perhaps with someone new or perhaps with Sarah at some point in the future when she has sorted herself out.

I wish you luck
jessicajoe is offline  
Old 01-31-2014, 06:56 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Pia
Member
 
Pia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Friendly Guy -- the train has slowed down enough for you to JUMP.

JUMP!

why are you still reading this?

JUMP OFF THE TRAIN!
Hammer your a hoot. I always smile reading your posts.
Pia is offline  
Old 01-31-2014, 06:58 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Pia
Member
 
Pia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by jessicajoe View Post
Hiya friendly guy.
I'm sorry I know it hurts.
A couple of things to ponder (like the cat in the hat)

Thing one:- If you get to have the credit for "making her better" are you ready to take the blame when she flounders or fails ? If she is going to sort it out she has to be the person who takes responsibility for that.

Thing two:- (Someone at my AlAnon group taught me this and it makes sense to me) Although you said you fell deeply in love your feelings don't come from Sarah they come from inside you. It may have been her who opened the box but the contents are all yours. All it means is friendly guy is capable of feeling love. If you think this through (to me) it means the opportunities are there to experience these feelings again, perhaps with someone new or perhaps with Sarah at some point in the future when she has sorted herself out.

I wish you luck
Excellent point. Oh how I wish I had advice like this years ago
Pia is offline  
Old 01-31-2014, 07:11 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Florence's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
So you are in a relationship with someone who is in a bad spot, turns to alcohol and random sexual encounters to cope, is in a messy relationship with her family (maybe), and has already cheated on you. I say maybe because you're getting all this information from an alcoholic who has already been unfaithful to you.

What here is worth saving?

She's worth saving? Yes, she is. But that's something you can't do for her. She's got to save herself. You are also worth saving. Lucky for you, that's something you can do yourself.

You didn't cause this, you can't control this, and you can't cure this. Shed all fantasies you have of providing her with a safe place to land. Active alcoholics need people that think this way. It feeds their alcoholism.

It's been my experience that my investment in other people's problems is usually in direct correlation with my unwillingness to deal with my own life and my own problems. Openly and willingly jumping into the open water with someone who has these dead weight problems tells me that there's something going on with you that maybe you should deal with yourself. That's not a judgment. I've been there. Save yourself! It's a sign you aren't willing to go down yet, having reached out for support.

There's a lot of support here. Hang out and keep asking questions. Some of the answers you get will be harsh, but they are usually based on a lot of pain and experience. Such is life.
Florence is offline  
Old 01-31-2014, 07:22 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
IF you go back to her you're setting the bar very low of what you expect from her and how you expect to be treated.

Sarah has lots of issues, she has very weak will, she has issues controlling her alcohol consumption and obviously controlimg her impulses. This woman sounds unhealthy mentally and emotionally and she just sent you an emotional sucker punch (cheating on you at the first opportunity that she's away from you) and you're considering positioning yourself for another blow.

Sarah doesn't even love herself, Friendly Guy. Coming from another person in their 20s, I say cut your losses and make this a better year than it started out to be. It's unfortunate that Sarah treated you so badly but you DO NOT deserve to be cheated on. There is a woman out there that will love you deeply, who is emotionally and mentally healthy and she will be faithful to you.
Stung is offline  
Old 01-31-2014, 07:22 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I am a kind and gentle human being and have opened up my heart to help, comfort and support her as much as i possibly can.
I was a kind and gentle human being who tried to love an alcoholic out of his drinking and out of his demons. 20 years later, my career, my health, my confidence, and my finances were ruined. And he was drinking more and fighting more demons.

I love her deeply and suffer her pain with her.
That's your problem right there. If you are suffering her pain with her, you are enmeshed in her person. When you are no longer able to say "My girlfriend is really anxious about being around her family. I feel compassion for her." but say "My girlfriend is really anxious and therefore I am too" you are in deep doodoo, my friend.

I know you probably find many of our post harsh and unfeeling. But I do agree with Katiekate. About the romanticism etc. What is the story you're telling yourself? It sounds a bit like a classic fairy tale, where you take the role of the person riding in on your white steed to save the damsel in distress. No, I'm not poking fun at you because that's what I did, too. Except he wasn't a damsel but still. AXH was hurt by a cruddy childhood and I was going to love that out of him. My love was going to make him happy.

Doesn't work. Sorry.

As for cheating. Here's my thing and you may or may not agree: There is not enough alcohol and drugs in the world that can make me cheat on a person I truly love. Yes, alcohol affects your judgment. For sure. However -- it doesn't change your personality, it only brings out what you've tried to hide.

If she cheats drunk, she can cheat sober.
lillamy is offline  
Old 01-31-2014, 07:34 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Joe Nerv's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
I read this last night, started to respond a few times, and then thought it best to not say anything. Until now.

I agree with what everyone else is saying here. I also believe I've been in a very similar spot in my life, and Im grateful to have survived it and grown from it. The girl you describe sounds just about identical to my first girlfriend in sobriety, 30 years ago. Right down to the teeth grinding. Only thing different was that she didn't drink. I spent 2 years in hell with her, romanticising things, and believing they would change. And believing that I would fix her. She eventually wound up falling in with a biker gang, and marrying a guy she was continually cheating on me with. Thankfully, I had an incredibly powerful support system in place, AA, a sponsor, therapy, group therapy, ACOA, CODA, and strong belief in a HP. It took that box full of tools to help me grow from my experience, and even with that... I repeated my mistakes a couple of times after. Found very similar qualities in the next girlfriend, and the next, but eventually the pennies began to drop, and I started learning and growing. I'm now happily married and with the same awesome, honest, trustworth, loving and intelliegient woman for 17 years. And she's hot, too .

Looking back on it all I realize I didn't really start to change, until I started making decisions that were really hard, and really cut across the grain of what I wanted to do. I started to walk away from the things that attracted me, the things that others told me were unhealthy, and lo and behold, those things started to become unattractive to me. Rather than pull me closer to new people I met, they began to repel and put me off. That was something that came totally unexpected to me. What I guess I'm trying to say is that when I somehow mustered up the strength to listen to people who knew better than me, and do things that felt uncomfortable and wrong (to me), I began to get happier in my relationships.

She has to fix herself. As long as you believe you're going to fix her, as romantic, loving, self sacrificing, and beautiful as that sounds - you're headed down a dead end street.

Last note here from me is that you are going to do whatever you feel most compelled to do, regardless of what anyone here is telling you. Most people stay in unhealthy relationships until they absolutely can't bear it any more, or they're forced out of it and the choice is no longer theirs. If you choose that road, cut yourself some slack. You won't be the first to have done that. I'd just advise you to really do your best to absorb what people are saying here, and digest it, because it's truth born of lots and lots and lots of experience. Smart people learn from their own mistakes, really smart people learn from the mistakes of others. Wish the both of you the best.
Joe Nerv is offline  
Old 01-31-2014, 10:55 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 2
Thank you all for the responses.

I really appreciate the advice and wisdom.

I know what I have to do, It is so hard but you guys are right. I cannot save her from herself, she needs help that I can never give her.

She text me "I love our love" and had sex with a guy hours later....That can never be forgiven.

It will happen again and now I must go.
FriendlyGuy is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:32 AM.