Betterlife1

On day 11 and doing fine. AV chimes in here and there, but I keep him at bay. I've been drinking heavy for almost 30 years. I would say mostly 3-4 days per week. One or two days would be 4-5 drinks and one or two days would be 10-12 drinks. I'm a classic example of a functional alcoholic. No withdrawals, no DUI's (just got lucky there), no missed work, and no one including my wife (who is a "normal" drinker) is wishing me to stop, etc.. But I know it's slowly killing me! I am doing this because I know I will be happier/healthier, and also be a better father, husband, worker, friend, etc... In the 30 years, I have had two abstinence periods which were approximately 30 and 60 days. At which point I would then decide that I can drink responsibly. Of course that lasts a couple of weeks and Im back to my old ways.

So here's where I need some advice. I have no desire to tell anyone about my sobriety at this point. Although things are great and I am taking this very seriously, I just don't feel I want to tell anyone. Make no mistake about it, I want to be sober forever!!! However, it's probably for fear of failing and going back to drinking, and having to tell everyone that I'm back like I did on previous failed attempts.. Maybe after 3 months, or 6 months, I will decide to come clean (no pun intended)! So my question is, does anyone think that not telling people is a flaw, or will have serious negative effects on my sobriety, or commitment to sobriety? Thanks for listening!

least

I see nothing wrong with speaking thru your actions instead of words.

Hevyn

Hi betterlife.

I certainly wouldn't call it a flaw if you want to keep it private. It's really no one's business. If you feel you'd somehow jinx yourself then don't worry about saying anything until (and if) you're ready. I felt I had to tell people because everyone was well aware that I had a serious dependency - and for me it was a relief to have it out in the open - but your circumstances are different. Congrats on your 11 days!

Dee74

I told everyone - probably even the paperboy...but with the benefit of hindsight I didn't need to.

You do need to learn to say no thanks I don't drink tho - how do you think you might handle that?

D

Anna

I am a private person and I have never told anyone that I don't drink. I certainly don't think it's a flaw. I think it's nobody's business if you choose to drink or not, and I try to remember that I don't owe anyone an explanation.

One thing I have learned in recovery is that I am many things, and being an alcoholic does not define me.

ppl

You don't drink. Period.

And if anyone gives you **** about you, I will behind you with that look...

This isn't about drinking though. It's about you feeling weak, subordinate and shy. Toss those out!

liberated

I told no one for a week and then it was immediate family. Here, 4 months in only they, a few close friends and my amazing SR family know. I think, if i were to psychoanalyze, i would bet that it gave me control in a totally out of control lifestyle. Who really knows, it just works for me. Sorry for the ramble- hope. It helped and keep at it!!!

Betterlife1

Thanks everybody! Based on your feedback, it sounds like I should be OK with this approach. Nobody needs to know, but me. Dee74, the plan is to just say "not drinking tonight" If they need a reason, I can make something up pretty quickly. For now, I'd rather not say "I don't drink". That's something I plan to work up to later on. PPL, you are awesome and thanks!! Glad someone's got my back!! Thanks again to all for great advice!

ppl

"I'd rather not say "I don't drink"."

What gets in the way of you just saying that and feeling ok about it?

GotGrace

Better, I just wanted to weigh in on your thread. I could be you, exactly, in everything you have written except gender. I didn't tell my husband till I was a month in, a couple close friends a month after that, and that is about it. At 5 months, I have found that a simple "no thanks" is all that is required when I am offered a drink. Although, once or twice I did confide with the host that my off-button was faulty so I am taking a break. I, too, intend to remain sober forever, but I didn't want it to turn into a big discussion about alcoholism and approaches to sobriety. I suppose for me I was a bit afraid of jinxing myself, too. Whatever..... As you gain more sober time it will seem less like a "secret" and more like a new way of life. Congratulations on your progress!

least

I think "I'm not drinking tonight" sounds like a perfectly good way to approach it. It is one day at a time that we get to live, and one day at a time we stay sober, so "I'm not drinking tonight" is perfectly logical.

Dee74

My only problem with that is that it's really a temporary fix. It leaves the way for people to ask you again next time, and again and again....

I understand why you're hesitant to go the whole way - but I hope you'll come to see that it's really not a big deal.

Most people really don't give two hoots if we drink or not

D

milly4me

I totally understand not wanting to share your soberity. I'm the same way. I need to give myself permission to work on myself. I dont think I'm hiding anything from myself. I'm trying to be completely honest and open with myself. Right now I dont want to feel obligated to explain anything to anyone. This is my journey.

doggonecarl

Two things: I take it that hiding your sobriety is what you've done all the other times you've quit? How's that been working? Maybe having a little accountability would keep you from backing out of your committment at 30 or 60 days.

I don't mean tell the world. But who would be most happy to see you on this recovery journey? Tell that person.

Also, if you are in a position that you have so many situations where your drinking or not drinking is an issue, you are in the wrong situations. I didn't go anywhere for months where I had to say "No, thanks," to a drink. So what I told people wasn't even an issue.

Misc72

I plan to announce my sobriety on facebook on Feb. 1st since that will mark 60 days sober for my husband and I. We are getting a couples massage to celebrate!!

malcolmsloan

I've found two interesting things over the last few months. First, when I have some sort of drink in my hand-soda, juice-people ask me if I want a drink: I already have one. Second, I've found that there is a degree of finality and truth to smile and say, "no thanks." That's all. I don't have to say, "I don't drink" and open that can of worms, and I don't have to suggest the future with the "not tonight" approach. Don't know if others have experienced this, but I thought I'd throw it out there.

dirk626

No ones business but yours. Focus on what you are doing and don't worry about the rest. It's tempting, and you may want to purge all of those feelings and come out in the open about your drinking, but those closest to you know, and the others that weren't close enough to notice by now, can wait. Good luck and congratulations!!!

sparkles28

I feel the same way right now. I'm new to this and I've really only spoken about it with my boyfriend (who I also lives with, so he has been most affected by/seen the most of my drinking), and to some extent my mom. I think for now that's as much as I'm comfortable with. But I do think sharing your struggles with someone close to you, and the fact that you are choosing not to drink now, may be helpful for you eventually.

nomis

Almost 15 months sober and still thinks it's nobody's darn business but my own.

Betterlife1

PPL, my two concerns are 1. Although I have confidence I can do this, I don't want to have to tell people I quit, then turnaround a few weeks/months later and tell them I now drink again. 2. Although I was a heavy drinker, I feel my drinking never defined me as a person. I really don't want to want my sobriety to define who I am either.

Dee, I know eventually I have to be more comfortable with just telling people that I don't drink. However, I just don't want to do it now. I want some real time under my belt. I'm sure I will know when the time is right. Thanks again to all for your comments and support!!