WildernessVoice

Hi,
I joined this site yesterday with the hope of beginning a new alcohol free life. So today is my day one and I am not sure where I go from here but I am looking forward to the future.

I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else but in spending the last several days lurking around the edges here and reading so many stories, (some very similar to mine and others quite different) that I honestly feel a shift in my thinking this time that has never been this strong. I feel somehow almost protective of my new found resolve to never drink again.

When I read how many people desired to become moderate drinkers, I laughed because until yesterday that was me. I was hoping somehow that I could become one myself. I have always clung to the hope that one day I could just slow it down and learn to be a social drinker because I couldn't fathom life without ever touching a drop again.

Something changed last night and I don't understand how or why but I had the realization that I don't really know the person I was born to be. I have been an alcoholic since the age of 16. I stopped growing and learning way back then. That girl has been pushed down and hidden for so many years that I didn't even realize that somehow she still lives somewhere very deep inside me. She hasn't quite died though and I want to discover who she is....
Does this sound crazy?

It's almost as if there are two of us living in the same body but only one has had a voice for too long. I think it is my time to live now and I want to find out what and who I am really capable of being.
I am curious if anyone else with long exposure to alcohol has felt anything similar. I can barely remember a time when my thoughts didn't revolve around drinking but yet I know there was a time when they didn't.

That is the peace that I seek and I am beginning to believe it is possible to find that place again.

I know there are going to be some really dark days ahead so I plan on spending a lot of time here sharing the journey.....

Nonsensical

Very much so. It's not uncommon. There is a committee in my head composed of the Me that wants sobriety and the Addict who wants his next drink, and every night they debate my future. Unfortunately, in the past the Addict won most of those debates. Not any more.

The central philosophy of Lifering is called "Empowering your sober self" - recognizing that the Self and the Addict are separate. Taking action to strengthen the sober Self assists in keeping the Addict in check.

Welcome to the Fight of Your Life! Good Luck!

Ghostlight1

Hello and welcome.

Yes, I know what you mean. The person I was when drinking was rude, tough, uncaring and an all around bad person.
After three years sober, I've found a new me. One who genuinley cares about people. Prays and tries to treat everyone with respect.

I've heard this before, that while an alcoholic is actively drinking their maturing process stops. Mine did.
I'm still trying to catch up on that life from the state of suspened animation I was in and become the adult I was meant to be. And, oh, I started drinking at 14. I was an alcoholic from the first drink. It was my life for a very long time.

I appreciate your thoughtful post and wish you the best on your journey. I hope you stick around.

Pataphor

Wilderness Voice - Hi
Im Pataphor I have a rocky road of recovery but wanted to just say You are in the right place, text all our ears off. Its therapeutic, it gets better it gets worse but we all know! there are funny,Wise, Smart-asses,all over SB but all have something to offer.
This is my third attempt. One time I got 6 months, one time 3 months, this recent try is 29 days today. I at least want to get to 6 months again. Forever is just to long.
Lots of Tea
lots of posting and reading here
Hurray for you!

kflee

Something changed last night and I don't understand how or why but I had the realization that I don't really know the person I was born to be. I have been an alcoholic since the age of 16. I stopped growing and learning way back then. That girl has been pushed down and hidden for so many years that I didn't even realize that somehow she still lives somewhere very deep inside me. She hasn't quite died though and I want to discover who she is....
Does this sound crazy?
That sounds like me. I am loving new and alive me. I was a complete different person and had no idea how to be as a person and never really understood my purpose. I am 33 days in and I have found so many amazing qualities I forgot I had. I was so fun and happy in my youth, and once started drinking at 17 I stepped into another body.
Each day is new and interesting.
I just woke up 33 days ago and said "this is it". Not sure why this time was sooo much different then the past. But I am thankful. Hope to hear more posts from you.

WildernessVoice

Thank each of you for your replies. I have taken something from all of your words. Today I am in a good place but I am not so naive as to think it will last. I am just trying to take this thing one hour at a time lol.

The daytime is a breeze for me as I have always been a night time drinker. I know that when the clock strikes 5 today I will start to bug out in a big way. I am using my time today to read all I can and figure out how I am going to get through the evening. I feel somewhat like a boxer going into the fight of my life. I have got to get and keep a strategy for the stupid demon voice that I know will be showing up in a few hours.

Thanks for letting me rant! I actually feel encouraged at the moment.

sobercatholic

Not crazy, recovery! I think that's why it's called "recovery," as you are "recovering" the person you were supposed to be with the added differences that a recovery program gives.

Great post, keep it up!

Dee74

Welcome WildernessVoice

It's not crazy at all - one of the greatest gifts recovery gave me was finding the real me again.

I know you'll find the same
D