suncatcher

My A son who is/was staying with me after he lost his job was hogging my cell phone to get on fb. We argued and in the heat of the argument I said " I want my peaceful life back! I didn't ask for your ass to be here!" That night he had a friend of his pick him up and I haven't heard from him since. My daughter saw him last night and she said she dropped him off at a friends house so I know he is safe. I just regret saying that to him. He can be very disrespectful at times and I just got fed up. Anyone else go through this? Thanks.

Stung

Yeah...I had a phone conversation with my husband last night that was more yelling than actual talking and I asked him several times if he wanted to be married or not. I should have just taken a deep breath, detached and hung up. It's really hard to be the bigger person all the time though. It makes you wonder why you have a relationship with this person at all (makes me wonder, but you wonder.) Do I regret the stuff I said? I regret it in that it was unnecessary but I don't regret expressing how I honestly felt, and maybe that's what you were doing to. Maybe your son wore out his welcome and you were being brutally honest (aka speaking without analyzing what you're going to say and how) but now you regret that that honesty caused him to act and now you're worried. I hope my honesty causes my husband to act like an adult. I doubt it will, but one can hope.

suncatcher

Thanks Stung, I think you are right. I was stating how I honestly felt without a filter on my emotions. Since he has been there he has taken my car and been gone for hours then posted on fb that he had to jack his moms car to get high (he forgot to log out so I saw it). He wants to be on my phone constantly when I have told him I can't afford to use more data than my plan allows. He just seems to have little regard for me. He drinks NyQuil when there is no beer. I live in the country and I think it got the best of him living so isolated. But I love it there and was willing to let him stay there. I hope your honesty with your husband helps too. I think it is always better to be honest than to let those feelings be buried and cause more resentment later.

Hawkeye13

Maybe you should not allow him back if he can't respect you or your things.

If he doesn't have to worry about shelter or food, he can concentrate on getting high and drinking it sounds like from his activites.

Perhaps giving him a reality check is a good thing. You could keep up your momentum and give him a move out date if you truly are fed up.

suncatcher, you really do deserve a peaceful life. How will you go about getting it back for good?

Seren

Please be kind to yourself about the conversation. Perhaps apologize, if you feel the need, for what you truly believe you did that was wrong. If memory serves, your son has said far worse things to you in the past, and it seems you have been able to forgive him. If he can't forgive you--that's now his problem.

Forgive me for not remembering how old your son is, suncatcher...but maybe it is time he navigate this world on his own as an adult. I do agree that if he cannot respect you, your home, your belongings nor appreciate all that you have done for him, then it is probably past time for him to move along into his own adult life.

suncatcher

Hawkeye, thank you. I find it is hard when it comes to your children. You hate to turn your back on them and the motherly instincts never go away. But I know I don't want to enable him either as that does him more harm than good. I'm sure he will call when he needs something and then I will have to set some firm boundaries with him. I also have to deal with leftover guilt from divorcing his dad. That guilt makes me want to rush to the rescue so I am going to try and resolve that also.

suncatcher

Seren, thank you so much. My son is 26. He has little motivation unless it comes to partying and posting home made rap songs on face book! I hate to see him throwing his life away but he makes his own choices and must figure things out for himself. I know he is capable of so much more but getting him to see that is the challenge.

Hammer

Good topic.

Yeah, you are not going to be perfect. Oh well.

sooo. ehh, Regrets had a few, but then again too few to mention . . .

almost.

Things I regretted saying.

1. Dry Drunk -- not that it is not true, just not nice.
2. You need a Strong Local Sponsor -- not that it is not true, just not nice.
3. You need to Really Work the Program -- not that it is not true, just not nice.
4. You need some real help -- not that it is not true, just not nice.

2, 3, and 4 also turned out true for me. Funny that.

Things I did NOT say (biting tongue)

You are kind of bum. Living here and not helping pay for ANYTHING around the house.
You have a Serious Mental Illness. Guess she knows, anyway.
You sure lie a lot. duh.
Your "Chip Date" is a lie.

Suppose there are more, but my tongue is sore from the biting.

FireSprite

"You're EXACTLY like your MOTHER!!!"

For my RAH, that's a pretty below-the-belt thing for me to say & while I can definitely explain that I didn't mean it in the way that he heard it (I didn't) I also have to own the fact that there was NO WAY to say that nicely during a heated argument when we were both already acting ridiculous.

Hammer

THAT one is funny.

Mrs. Hammer has become EXACTLY like her mother.

Part of the Personality Disorder aspect is what is called "mirroring." She copies someone, down to voice style, and sort of faux becomes them. After Rehab, with her mom, she switched her hair style, clothing, and even personal behaviors to that of her mom.

It is so flattering to her mother, MIL is convinced Mrs. Hammer is doing wonderful. Sort of comic-sad to sit back and watch. The kids laugh about it, too.

hopeful4

I have regretted the things I have said many times. I just had a post about this last week too. It was not that I regretted what I said, just the manner in which I said it. That is not who I want to be nor my children.

That being said, it seems the truth came out. It seems he is very disrespectful to you. Someone just posted yesterday that the addict in their life signed over their car to a drug dealer. I would be livid.

I understand not wanting to abandon your son. However, he is a grown adult. Until he is forced to act like one he is not going to grow up at all. I have posted this many times, but it has stuck with me so much. When you rob an addict of consequences you take away any chance they have of recovery. They need consequences to ever WANT to recover for themselves. Until they want to recover for themselves it does not happen.

How long will you allow him to act like a 16 year old juvenile? I don't mean any disrespect as I think having an addict child has to be so difficult. It will only progress. You have to get some help so you can make some very clear boundaries FOR YOU.

Hugs. It is hard I know, but please don't blame yourself. It is your home, take it back!

healthyagain

I have regretted my words, not because the things that I said were not true, but because I realized my AH in a way enjoyed pulling my nerves, even using my words, that is insults, as an excuse to drink (he may not even be aware of this, but this is what he does). Generally speaking, every criticism is an excuse for drinking. He will not remember why he is hugging a bucket in the morning, but he always remembers my words. Now, I simply stay away and answer with uh huh, sure, of course, yes, no, gotta work to do, I'm tired, gotta sleep, etc. It is incredibly hard, but it works great! Finally, there is only one of us acting like an a-hole.

Katchie

Most of the time I regret the things I never say. However, over Christmas AH took the boys to play basketball and while there, two if my sons got into a fight on the court. AH broke up the fight and got a little aggressive with them--they are BIG boys. AH told me how bad he felt for getting after them and how he hates having to do that. I reminded him he never disciplines our sons and never has so it's no problem, they'll forget about it. I shouldn't have said that; I know it stung & I meant for it to.

wellnowwhat

I regret things I've said.

I've regretted things I wanted to say and didn't.

I constantly struggle with keeping my side of the street clean vs not stating aloud things I need to verbalize.

Is it never ok to state your truth because someone will hurt?

Is it never ok to state your truth because someone will rationalize it into a reason to drink?

How do you know which is which?

Sometimes I feel like I am losing myself in my effort to become healthy. Sometimes I feel even more mute than when I didn't speak for fear of rocking the boat.

I've heard the:

Is it kind?
Is it honest?
Is it necessary?
(I think there is another one)

And I end up thinking "well, IS it necessary?" and usually decide not, but still feel unsatisfied.

.....just when you think you're doing better......

9111111

Same for me. I spent a good amount of time believing that if I would learn to voice my experience in a kinder, more gentle way exaf wouldn't be so hurt by my truth, would stop to make me feel like a monster.

In the end I chose my desire to not hurt anyone over my desire to speak my own truth. I became a convenient piece in exaf's puzzle of lies.

Hammer

wow. I know THAT one.

dandylion

Suncatcher---you ask if I have been through this??? Yes. Tons!!

Especially, before I learned some of the things that I now know.

One thing to remember---we tend to agonize over every "wrong" that we commit---the alcoholic or addict usually just goes to their drug of choice to numb out--and feel nothing. The basic reason for turning to substances in the very first place--to avoid feelings.

Suncatcher--I just finished a book yesterday that just blew me away!! It is called "The Lost Years"--''surviving a mother and daughter's worst nightmare" It is the most powerful memouir on this subject that I have ever read--bar none! I suggest it for any addict/alcoholic or any loved one. If you are inclined to read this sort of thing--I cannot recommend this book highly enough--it addresses exactly what you are talking about.

If you do read it--could you please send me a PM--to let me know what you think of the book?

I read it because I saw it mentioned by someone here, on SR---I can' remember who it was. I the person who mentioned the book is reading right now---can you please identify yourself so that I can personally thank you?!

Suncatcher, as some others have suggested, I also think that it is boundary time for your son. The most amazing thing--to me--is that, later they punish and resent us for every time that we enabe them...Who knew?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you want, I can give personal examples.

dandylion

Seren

OK....does referring to my stepson as "Crack-A-Lack-A-Ding-Dong" count

Not my finest moment

hopeful4

I actually responded to a thread the other day in the alcoholics forum which they were talking about resentments about being enabled. I was quite shocked to be honest. One poster said they were quite upset about how bad their spouse had let them get without doing anything about it. I genuinely was interested in knowing what they thought their spouse could have done, but I did not get a response. I was not being snarky at all, I am genuinely curious from the other side of the coin since I have been taught, and know, there is absolutely nothing we can do to "make" someone recovery.

Just food for thought. Enabling builds resentments for those doing the enabling and those receiving it in hindsight.

Thanks for the post!

Kindeyes

There have been so many things that I have regretted saying to my son through the years. But I have found that I have been given many second (third, fourth, etc.) chances to do it better.

It took me a while to get the "say what I mean, mean what I say, without saying it mean" down real well. Regardless of the actions of my son, I'm now pretty darn good at it. If he says something (that he later may regret) while talking to me......rather than taking it personally I just say "I'm sorry you feel that way." I don't take ownership of his feelings nor do I negate them.

We're all human. We don't do things perfectly all the time and it is unfair of us to have that expectation of ourselves (or others).

And by the way, the changes I've made in myself and in the way I speak with my son have made a world of difference in the way we communicate. He is also much much much more respectful in the manner in which he addresses me!

gentle hugs
ke