Hubby done rehab tomorrow
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
Hubby done rehab tomorrow
Well after 8 weeks RAH is coming home from rehab. He has been in rehab for PTSD and alcohol. I am so very nervous and anxious about his return. He is going to stay in the spare room for now. I know he has a lot of work to do upon his return - AA, counselling, legal stuff, etc ... We have had a lot of ups and downs relationship wise while he has been gone and I just don't know what is going to happen with us right now.
Any words of advice ... what to expect ... my stomach is in knots
Any words of advice ... what to expect ... my stomach is in knots
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Yep.
You work on YOU.
Let him and God work on him.
Give him plenty of space, and maybe put meetings on the calendar -- not to track him, but so that time is protected for them.
I do not recall off-hand -- are you doing Alanon?
You work on YOU.
Let him and God work on him.
Give him plenty of space, and maybe put meetings on the calendar -- not to track him, but so that time is protected for them.
I do not recall off-hand -- are you doing Alanon?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi kdjom,
I really don't know how to advise you except just take each day one moment at a time. Perhaps--try not to awfulize about what may or may not happen when he gets home. You won't need to plan for or run his recovery for him once he returns. That's his job.
If your husband were not coming home, what would you be doing? Work, library, groceries, laundry? Maybe just try to plan your day as you would normally with as little disruption as possible.
Do you think a nice dinner for the two of you would be in order? What's your favorite carry-out?
I really don't know how to advise you except just take each day one moment at a time. Perhaps--try not to awfulize about what may or may not happen when he gets home. You won't need to plan for or run his recovery for him once he returns. That's his job.
If your husband were not coming home, what would you be doing? Work, library, groceries, laundry? Maybe just try to plan your day as you would normally with as little disruption as possible.
Do you think a nice dinner for the two of you would be in order? What's your favorite carry-out?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 93
My advise, since I have been through this several times now, would be to focus on YOU and only YOU. I have learned the hard way. By focusing on you, it allows them to focus on THEM which is really what they need. Another suggestion would be to read, read, read. If you are not attending Al anon (don't know if you are), I would occupy your mind with anything you can: Al anon book, your favorite magazine, etc. Hugs to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 60
We have arrived home. Feels very strange and is quite awkward between us. Don't know what to talk about really.
I have not yet made it to Alanon with all of the storms and wicked winter weather we've had it has made it hard to get to the times they off them. It is also difficult as I have two children and the meetings are later evenings. Possibly now that he is home, but he has to go to a meeting daily now for 90 days ... as well as all other therapy things he needs to do. I think the work has only just begun.
I am giving this a chance, but I honestly don't know that I'm up for continuing with how things were (marriage wise) before all of this came to a head. I guess only time will tell.
Thanks for your support ...
I have not yet made it to Alanon with all of the storms and wicked winter weather we've had it has made it hard to get to the times they off them. It is also difficult as I have two children and the meetings are later evenings. Possibly now that he is home, but he has to go to a meeting daily now for 90 days ... as well as all other therapy things he needs to do. I think the work has only just begun.
I am giving this a chance, but I honestly don't know that I'm up for continuing with how things were (marriage wise) before all of this came to a head. I guess only time will tell.
Thanks for your support ...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: dublin
Posts: 65
I know how you feel,my EXA (split up two days before rehab) finishes his 14 weeks of rehab tomorrow,he says he accepts we are over,but i know he doesnt accept it,on phone last week he start going on about me been there to help HIM.its still about HIM,sometimes i feel i would love to just checkout for 3 months and not have to worry about bills household etc and lie to people ,hurt them and still expect them to be there for me.(rant over)He will have two years of aftercare
Good luck,i hope it goes well for you,make sure you look after yourself as well.
Good luck,i hope it goes well for you,make sure you look after yourself as well.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
and geeezzz. how silly. Almost forgot. Pray. Really.
==============
Dear God,
Please show our friend, kdjom Your will and Your way for her and her family. And give her the wisdom, courage and strength to follow it.
Amen.
==============
Dear God,
Please show our friend, kdjom Your will and Your way for her and her family. And give her the wisdom, courage and strength to follow it.
Amen.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
When my RABF first came home, it was awkward. I didn't trust him, and we didn't know where we really were with things. Thankfully, AlAnon helped me "stay on my side of the street". I kept my focus on me, and left him to handle his own recovery plan. It took a couple of months before we had settled back into a routine. My suggestion about what to expect....don't have any expectations. You can drive yourself crazy with expectations. Keep working on you, and get to AlAnon. Work as hard on your recovery as you want him to work on his.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 97
Keep expectations low and give things time. Mine has been home about 6 weeks. Things are better today than they were 6 weeks ago. I think I had a fantasy that because he had stopped drinking that the marriage issues would be quickly resolved as soon as he came home. Not so. We too have had a lot of the awkward silences and feeling the wedge between us. That is improving over time.
He has been doing 90 mtgs in 90 days, working steps with a sponsor, seeing an individual counselor, does an aftercare group, we have had 1 meeting with a marriage counselor so far, and I have been seeing an individual counselor and am starting a weekly mindfulness group therapy next week. I am also reading various books, and this forum. I am more open to Al Anon than I was a few weeks ago, but haven't gone yet-with work, 2 kids, and and all the meetings and therapies it's been hard to squeeze it in, but I will admit that if I REALLY wanted to make it happen, I could-I just haven't prioritized it yet.
We spend our (limited between jobs and "recovery"-see above!) time doing family stuff, each having some alone time, talking about some of the hard, yucky stuff, and doing fun/courting/dating stuff. We learned the importance of regular convos about the yucky hard stuff so we COULD have the fun datenight stuff the hard way. We had not had either hard convos or datelike stuff for 10 days when we got a sitter and went to a date restaurant-had just done family stuff and co-existed. When we got to dinner we just sat there and had nothing to say. We then ended up having the hard stuff convo at dinner, me wiping tears, etc. that led to a couple more tough stuff convos the next day. It was only then that we were "freed up" to be able to have some fun couple time together, which is another important ingredient in working on the rebuilding of the relationship stuff. Other ways I think the relationship is getting stronger is by me watching him be so committed to his program and meetings and therapies, and likewise-he sees that I am also learning, growing, and focusing on my own strength and self care. We don't talk much about what each of us is discussing/learning in our own processes (we are each focusing on ourselves) which kind of contributes to the lack of stuff to talk about on the day to day front, but as we are both slowly getting "better" we are now starting to talk about the future again-we're going out of town in a few weeks as a family, and are talking about remodelling the bathroom, maybe making plans for a summer vacation, etc.
My biggest frustration was wanting everything to get "fixed" right away when he came home, and HATING that uncomfortable emotional wedge that seemed to be between us. It was a little counter-intuitive. For years I wanted him to get help and stop the insanity, and now he has done that, yet there is still all this STUFF that is yet to be "fixed". He was very quiet when he first came home and seemed very emotionally distant, which I hated. Eventually I came to understand that he was still really processing all the collateral damage his drinking had caused to him, me, our relationship, how it was starting to impact his kids, etc. and seeing really clearly and soberly what was at stake to lose if he doesn't stay in recovery, and really, it was a lot for him to realize, process, handle.
Of course, your milleage may vary, but I'd say be patient, be kind, keep expectations low, view his working the program as a major step toward working on the marriage issues-the foundation must be solid if you want to build a house on it, right?, make sure you each have your own individual support, and consider marriage counsleing of some sort, and then either in counseling and on your own, over time as you both gain strength, have some of those tough conversations that will help the rebuilding process and also-critical-make time for connecting emotionally and getting to know the "new yous" all over again. You've both been through a lot, and you deserve a little fun in your lives, too
He has been doing 90 mtgs in 90 days, working steps with a sponsor, seeing an individual counselor, does an aftercare group, we have had 1 meeting with a marriage counselor so far, and I have been seeing an individual counselor and am starting a weekly mindfulness group therapy next week. I am also reading various books, and this forum. I am more open to Al Anon than I was a few weeks ago, but haven't gone yet-with work, 2 kids, and and all the meetings and therapies it's been hard to squeeze it in, but I will admit that if I REALLY wanted to make it happen, I could-I just haven't prioritized it yet.
We spend our (limited between jobs and "recovery"-see above!) time doing family stuff, each having some alone time, talking about some of the hard, yucky stuff, and doing fun/courting/dating stuff. We learned the importance of regular convos about the yucky hard stuff so we COULD have the fun datenight stuff the hard way. We had not had either hard convos or datelike stuff for 10 days when we got a sitter and went to a date restaurant-had just done family stuff and co-existed. When we got to dinner we just sat there and had nothing to say. We then ended up having the hard stuff convo at dinner, me wiping tears, etc. that led to a couple more tough stuff convos the next day. It was only then that we were "freed up" to be able to have some fun couple time together, which is another important ingredient in working on the rebuilding of the relationship stuff. Other ways I think the relationship is getting stronger is by me watching him be so committed to his program and meetings and therapies, and likewise-he sees that I am also learning, growing, and focusing on my own strength and self care. We don't talk much about what each of us is discussing/learning in our own processes (we are each focusing on ourselves) which kind of contributes to the lack of stuff to talk about on the day to day front, but as we are both slowly getting "better" we are now starting to talk about the future again-we're going out of town in a few weeks as a family, and are talking about remodelling the bathroom, maybe making plans for a summer vacation, etc.
My biggest frustration was wanting everything to get "fixed" right away when he came home, and HATING that uncomfortable emotional wedge that seemed to be between us. It was a little counter-intuitive. For years I wanted him to get help and stop the insanity, and now he has done that, yet there is still all this STUFF that is yet to be "fixed". He was very quiet when he first came home and seemed very emotionally distant, which I hated. Eventually I came to understand that he was still really processing all the collateral damage his drinking had caused to him, me, our relationship, how it was starting to impact his kids, etc. and seeing really clearly and soberly what was at stake to lose if he doesn't stay in recovery, and really, it was a lot for him to realize, process, handle.
Of course, your milleage may vary, but I'd say be patient, be kind, keep expectations low, view his working the program as a major step toward working on the marriage issues-the foundation must be solid if you want to build a house on it, right?, make sure you each have your own individual support, and consider marriage counsleing of some sort, and then either in counseling and on your own, over time as you both gain strength, have some of those tough conversations that will help the rebuilding process and also-critical-make time for connecting emotionally and getting to know the "new yous" all over again. You've both been through a lot, and you deserve a little fun in your lives, too
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
