WildernessVoice

Hello to everyone...

I have been poking around this site for about a week now and have decided to join in the fray. I hope that someone can help me find a way forward. I know that I am an alcoholic and that the most important thing I need to do is just STOP, ahhh therein lies the rub. Logic never seems to win out over desire to drink.....
How do I get started? Yesterday morning I woke up with the usual self loathing and same discussion with myself that I have had a million times over my adult life, geez woman please just stop drinking! All day my resolve was strong and then on my way home I stopped at the store and bought 2 bottles of wine. (not the usual 12 pack of beer lol) somehow I thought this was not quite as bad ugh! Anyway I managed to stop myself halfway through the first bottle and just go to bed before I got too deep. This morning once again the same cycle of depression, anger, disgust etc. all there once again.

I have over the last 20 years tried many ways to stop, including AA, treatment, self help you name it. Nothing has stuck and I have yet to manage more than a few days before giving up. I am desperate to find a way out of this cycle and a new way forward, so here I am.

What do I do next? Perhaps I shouldn't even be here until I have at least made it through 24 hours?

I do have a wonderful boyfriend of 5 years that miraculously is still here, I don't want to lose him too. We have had pretty open communication about my drinking and I have promised a hundred times to stop. I feel that he is losing hope and faith in me and I can't say I blame him.

Well I guess I have rambled on too long but I wanted to give just a bit of backround on where I am now so hopefully I can find a way to make a new life before it is truly too late for me.

Thanks for listening!!

Anna

What you can do next is to change your routine. It sounds simple, but in the very early days it helped me a lot. Drive home a different route, shop at a different store, change your dinner routine at home, whatever it takes to break the cycle for you.

We do understand how hard this is, but know for sure that you can do it.

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR! Like Anna, I had to change my routine, too. I also made myself think through how I would feel, mentally and physically, if I gave in again.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Nonsensical

Welcome to SR!

Breaking the addiction is difficult, but completely do-able. New habits can be very helpful - replacing one behavior with another behavior. If part of the habit is to stop on the way home for some beer or wine (mine was too!) then plan to do something else after work. Meet a friend at Starbucks. Go to the Goodwill store. Read to kids at a domestic shelter. Go to the gym. Whatever tickles your pickle!

I stopped drinking dozens of times. Maybe more. I never stayed stopped until I started DOING something else.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

KateL

I agree with all the above and welcome I don't think there are any rules about posting after 24 hours, I think you can post when you like Good luck xxxxxxxxxxxxx

sobercatholic

Hi! Welcome to SR!

Logic never does. You can't use logic to defeat the temptation or urge to drink. It is a psychological/mental situation and an emotional/spiritual issue. Logic has no place.

Funny how that happens. I think that's how I relapsed after 3 ½ whole months. I just found myself in a liquor store and bought a pint of vodka.

Your will regarding alcohol is corrupted. No matter how strong your resolve, it'll eat away at it.


Well, that's a victory of sorts! Maybe dump the remaining bottle and a half down the sink?

I know, I've been there, felt the same stuff.

These emotions will remain present until you've achieved some degree of consistent sobriety backed up by a way to alter your self-image. Although I think they reappear every so often, even amongst people with long sobriety (though perhaps not so intense). The thing is to not let them define you.

It may sound trite, but try AA again, the fact that you tried it before and it didn't work means nothing. Many people try it several times before it finally "takes." Why? Who knows, perhaps some people have to be beaten up enough before becoming "teachable." Take me, I attended AA meetings for 7 months before becoming sober. I basically went only as an excuse to leave the house so that I can stop off at a liquor store en route. Sometimes I waited until the meeting was over and stopped off en route home!

But, try AA again, do the 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, work the Steps, get the Big Book and 12 & 12 (or dust off your old copies and start reading them) and sincerely attempt the program.

"The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking." Although that is the AA tradition, I think it probably applies to SR, too!

No problem! That's what we're here for!

firstymer

Welcome, WildernessVoice. Don't worry about whether you are in the right place. You are definitely in the right place. You will find a lot of support and helpful advice from the good people here. I know I have.

Good luck. I am glad you are here with us.

WildernessVoice

Thank you all for your words and your advise. I was thinking today that perhaps I should keep an empty wallet when I leave the house for the next little while. That way I can't stop and buy anything.
I am going to try and come up with a few new ways to change up my routine right when I get home so I can avoid that (after work cocktail). I am not a coffee drinker so tonight I will try a bottle of water while I am making dinner. I am really not looking forward to it!!!
I am thinking that I do not want to share what I am doing with my boyfriend just yet, am I wrong in this? Maybe my reasoning is flawed but I don't want to feel like I am telling him the same old worn out story about me stopping. I was thinking maybe showing him would be better??

I will reconsider AA, but because I want to be as honest here as I can, I will say I am still on the fence about it. That said I will seriously think about another go at it there. Will keep you posted on that....
Thank you all so much, you are giving me the real want to make this work!!

least

I think it would be great if you could show your bf instead of telling him your intent. If you stay sober he will notice it.

You'll find lots of support here.

JustSarah

Hi wilderness - just focus on little steps first I guess - just change something small each day and know that you can do this - I am only in day 8 and I've started keeping a diary and coming on here a lot - so far so good. I got 3 months sober last summer and it was great and I'm aiming for that feeling again . I've also found drink replacements good - I've found none alcoholic beer and cider in the UK so I don't feel like I'm missing out too much . Keep posting it'll help loads. xx

JustSarah

I've also not told my hubby - he's heard it too many times that I will stop - I figured my actions will speak for themselves this time round - good luck

Maestro

You hit the nail on the head, Nonsensical! Thank you