So what's going on in this section?
Enjoying Recovery
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 110
So what's going on in this section?
Don't want to offend anyone but this section depresses me. My girlfriend visited this section looking for support on how to help me (a recovering alcoholic) and to maybe find some support and solidarity for herself- She was horrified. Her (also) non-alcoholic friends couldn't believe what they were reading.
People who refer to their partners as their "A", "AH", and even "STBXAH" or any degrading abbreviation shouldn't be in that relationship in my opinion. If it's got to that stage you're not helping them or yourselves.
If your husband had cancer would you refer to them as your "C" or "CH"? If you're relationship was on the rocks would you refer to them as your "STBXCH"?
Some of you guys (obviously not all) are really not helping yourselves.
Not trying to judge here. Just some input from 2 people from the opposite sides of the spectrum (my girlfriend is tee total, alcohol doesn't agree with her).
If one person swallows their pride and rethinks their situation and 100 people flame me for it, I'll have achieved something by making this post.
These abbreviations are dehumanizing and not helpful in any way to your relationships with alcoholics, whether you want to get out of the relationship or not. "S**t or get off the pot."
People who refer to their partners as their "A", "AH", and even "STBXAH" or any degrading abbreviation shouldn't be in that relationship in my opinion. If it's got to that stage you're not helping them or yourselves.
If your husband had cancer would you refer to them as your "C" or "CH"? If you're relationship was on the rocks would you refer to them as your "STBXCH"?
Some of you guys (obviously not all) are really not helping yourselves.
Not trying to judge here. Just some input from 2 people from the opposite sides of the spectrum (my girlfriend is tee total, alcohol doesn't agree with her).
If one person swallows their pride and rethinks their situation and 100 people flame me for it, I'll have achieved something by making this post.
These abbreviations are dehumanizing and not helpful in any way to your relationships with alcoholics, whether you want to get out of the relationship or not. "S**t or get off the pot."
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
I'm sorry you feel that way, BlueFrancis. I did not use the term 'AH' for the longest time. I do use it now... but as an abbreviation? The thing is, from the alcoholic side, it's a little easier to avoid abbreviations and labels because it's usually the alcoholic posting so it's "I" and "me", etc. From the friends & family side, because our qualifier could be anyone, we have to identify them somehow? Using AH or AW or ABF or whatever acronym is easier than always typing out alcoholic husband or alcoholic wife or "alcoholic spouse in the process of divorcing." I think of it no differently than using acronyms like ds for dear son, etc.
For me, it's not a sign of disrespect. My husband can use the acronym CCW for me (crazy, codependent wife.) It doesn't bother me because it's the truth.
Does that make sense?
ETA: Now if he called me CFBW using c for crazy, w for wife and curse words for F and B then that would bother me.
For me, it's not a sign of disrespect. My husband can use the acronym CCW for me (crazy, codependent wife.) It doesn't bother me because it's the truth.
Does that make sense?
ETA: Now if he called me CFBW using c for crazy, w for wife and curse words for F and B then that would bother me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
There is a phrase I like a lot that I think applies here, "opinions are like a$$holes, everyone has one and a lot of them stink."
AH isn't a dig on him, it's info for anyone reading. I'm here because I'm concerned about my Alcoholic Husband and how to help myself out of this situation one way or another. Being an alcoholic is dehumanizing, not the way I refer to him on the 'net.
AH isn't a dig on him, it's info for anyone reading. I'm here because I'm concerned about my Alcoholic Husband and how to help myself out of this situation one way or another. Being an alcoholic is dehumanizing, not the way I refer to him on the 'net.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Take what you like, and leave the rest.
Really. That is how it works.
For the depression, you will likely get over yourself in time, and it is bound to improve with working the program.
As far as the abbreviations -- here is one I tried with Facebook Alanon (yeah, it exists) as part of a discussion the other day . . . m.o.h.c.f.l.i.n.g. Short for "mother of his child, former live-in girlfriend" discussing something . . . did not really work -- just confused things. Go Figure.
Most of the time I call my "qualifier" (an Alanon term) Mrs. Hammer or My Little A.
But how 'bout we just call you BlueFrancis, and me, Hammer?
We can even make it all AA-ish -- Hi BlueFrancis, I am Hammer.
Thanks for Stopping By.
Really. That is how it works.
For the depression, you will likely get over yourself in time, and it is bound to improve with working the program.
As far as the abbreviations -- here is one I tried with Facebook Alanon (yeah, it exists) as part of a discussion the other day . . . m.o.h.c.f.l.i.n.g. Short for "mother of his child, former live-in girlfriend" discussing something . . . did not really work -- just confused things. Go Figure.
Most of the time I call my "qualifier" (an Alanon term) Mrs. Hammer or My Little A.
But how 'bout we just call you BlueFrancis, and me, Hammer?
We can even make it all AA-ish -- Hi BlueFrancis, I am Hammer.
Thanks for Stopping By.
Enjoying Recovery
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 110
It is an acronym and not an abbreviation. I agree, thanks for correcting. Yes it does make sense.
It seems strange however that someone can write a wall of text (paragraph after paragraph) about how bad their relationship is and how abusive their partner is, yet can't be bothered to type 2 or 3 words in full.
I'm not saying I'm right or my girlfriend is right or her friends who all agree with her are right. Just offering a perspective.
It seems strange however that someone can write a wall of text (paragraph after paragraph) about how bad their relationship is and how abusive their partner is, yet can't be bothered to type 2 or 3 words in full.
I'm not saying I'm right or my girlfriend is right or her friends who all agree with her are right. Just offering a perspective.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
what on earth do acronyms, shorthand have to do with PRIDE? pretty sure people use them all the time? AA, NA, TAPS, etc....
what is the message you are really trying to impart here? it should be noted that the Friends and Family section is NOT the "how to fix my husband, boyfriend, sister" forum...it's a place for those affected by a loved ones alcohol/drug problems to come sort things out for themselves.
what is the message you are really trying to impart here? it should be noted that the Friends and Family section is NOT the "how to fix my husband, boyfriend, sister" forum...it's a place for those affected by a loved ones alcohol/drug problems to come sort things out for themselves.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello BlueFrancis,
Welcome to this side of the forum! I hope you are making wonderful progress in your recovery and that you and your girlfriend will be able to continue working on your relationship.
There are some, even on the friends and family side, who also believe that the acronyms/abbreviations are insulting. It's one of the reasons I don't use an acronym for my stepson who would become my AS*....well, you get the idea.
When members post here, they are frequently in crisis mode and getting it all out in writing here (or the wall of text of which you complain) is the first time they have ever expressed any of their experience and feelings about their relationship with an alcoholic. Many of the women, and some men, here have been or are in relationships with horribly abusive, active alcoholics and venting is part of their healing process. They have been called far worse than any acronym used by them on this forum.
I am sorry you are offended by the acronyms, but I think there are far greater things in this world at which offense may be taken.
Welcome to this side of the forum! I hope you are making wonderful progress in your recovery and that you and your girlfriend will be able to continue working on your relationship.
There are some, even on the friends and family side, who also believe that the acronyms/abbreviations are insulting. It's one of the reasons I don't use an acronym for my stepson who would become my AS*....well, you get the idea.
When members post here, they are frequently in crisis mode and getting it all out in writing here (or the wall of text of which you complain) is the first time they have ever expressed any of their experience and feelings about their relationship with an alcoholic. Many of the women, and some men, here have been or are in relationships with horribly abusive, active alcoholics and venting is part of their healing process. They have been called far worse than any acronym used by them on this forum.
I am sorry you are offended by the acronyms, but I think there are far greater things in this world at which offense may be taken.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Well, I admit to being someone who says my AH. That being said, I heard my husband call me his "old lady" not too long ago and was not too happy about that. I think that is pretty common when the ladies are not around. I don't say his name on here and have just found this to be a way to say my alcoholic husband without having to type it out. Never did I mean it to offend. I thank you for pointing it out and will think about that.
I am going to tell you the other side of my spectrum, in regards to your comment about "Sh*t or get off the pot." Maybe for you it is that simple. For some it is not. I do care about my husband very much. We have two children to think of and I put their wellbeing above mine or his. We brought them into this life and we have to protect them. Sometimes I think getting away from my husband would be best for them. Other times I am not so sure. While I am deciding (I have the right to make my own decisions in the timeframe I want to take), I come here for support. I have found alot of support here and hope I pay it forward in some small way.
Going to the other forums depress me and makes me very angry sometimes. I don't go over to those forums and bash how they discuss among themselves, nor do I tell them to "Sh*t or Get Off the Pot" with their own recovery. I don't think that would be well accepted at all.
The thing I say on the forums quite often is this. Take what you want and leave the rest. Just because something may help one person does not mean it will help another. We are all really in the same boat, dealing with addiction in our lives and it is causing enough problems in our lives to have to post about it here.
I will say I am here for emoational support and to pay that forward to others. If I have ever offended another I am sorry for that, but I do realize that nothing anyone says is ever going to make every single person happy.
I am grateful for SR and for the F&F forums!
I am going to tell you the other side of my spectrum, in regards to your comment about "Sh*t or get off the pot." Maybe for you it is that simple. For some it is not. I do care about my husband very much. We have two children to think of and I put their wellbeing above mine or his. We brought them into this life and we have to protect them. Sometimes I think getting away from my husband would be best for them. Other times I am not so sure. While I am deciding (I have the right to make my own decisions in the timeframe I want to take), I come here for support. I have found alot of support here and hope I pay it forward in some small way.
Going to the other forums depress me and makes me very angry sometimes. I don't go over to those forums and bash how they discuss among themselves, nor do I tell them to "Sh*t or Get Off the Pot" with their own recovery. I don't think that would be well accepted at all.
The thing I say on the forums quite often is this. Take what you want and leave the rest. Just because something may help one person does not mean it will help another. We are all really in the same boat, dealing with addiction in our lives and it is causing enough problems in our lives to have to post about it here.
I will say I am here for emoational support and to pay that forward to others. If I have ever offended another I am sorry for that, but I do realize that nothing anyone says is ever going to make every single person happy.
I am grateful for SR and for the F&F forums!
Enjoying Recovery
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by Seren 
Hello BlueFrancis,
Welcome to this side of the forum! I hope you are making wonderful progress in your recovery and that you and your girlfriend will be able to continue working on your relationship.
There are some, even on the friends and family side, who also believe that the acronyms/abbreviations are insulting. It's one of the reasons I don't use an acronym for my stepson who would become my AS*....well, you get the idea.
When members post here, they are frequently in crisis mode and getting it all out in writing here (or the wall of text of which you complain) is the first time they have ever expressed any of their experience and feelings about their relationship with an alcoholic. Many of the women, and some men, here have been or are in relationships with horribly abusive, active alcoholics and venting is part of their healing process. They have been called far worse than any acronym used by them on this forum.
I am sorry you are offended by the acronyms, but I think there are far greater things in this world at which offense may be taken.
Welcome to this side of the forum! I hope you are making wonderful progress in your recovery and that you and your girlfriend will be able to continue working on your relationship.
There are some, even on the friends and family side, who also believe that the acronyms/abbreviations are insulting. It's one of the reasons I don't use an acronym for my stepson who would become my AS*....well, you get the idea.
When members post here, they are frequently in crisis mode and getting it all out in writing here (or the wall of text of which you complain) is the first time they have ever expressed any of their experience and feelings about their relationship with an alcoholic. Many of the women, and some men, here have been or are in relationships with horribly abusive, active alcoholics and venting is part of their healing process. They have been called far worse than any acronym used by them on this forum.
I am sorry you are offended by the acronyms, but I think there are far greater things in this world at which offense may be taken.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I use AH all the time and do not care. That's who he is: an alcoholic husband. And I am his codependent wife, an enabler (CW I guess). I used be in a denial for years. A denial is much worse (that it when you think that being WC is OK).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: London
Posts: 324
I use AW because a) it's simple and quick and b) on the scale of "nasty things you can do" it's a lot lower than get wasted, ruin your kids lives, cheat on your husband and shut out your family.....so I'm comfortable with the shorthand.
And the "if they had cancer" argument....I used that all the time, with myself...anyone that didnt understand....our kids even. "Hey, support mum...it's like she's sick" "Leave my wife??? Are you mad...what if she had cancer"
After a while it dawned on me that if my AW had cancer, refused treatment and used the illness (rightly or not) as a justification for ruining my, and our kids, lives......yeah, I'd probably want out then as well.
My brother fought cancer as a 14 year old...twice....he fought with EVERYTHING - and is alive and well (and a new dad) at 38 years old. If my AW fought with half his effort, she wouldn't be my STBXAW
And the "if they had cancer" argument....I used that all the time, with myself...anyone that didnt understand....our kids even. "Hey, support mum...it's like she's sick" "Leave my wife??? Are you mad...what if she had cancer"
After a while it dawned on me that if my AW had cancer, refused treatment and used the illness (rightly or not) as a justification for ruining my, and our kids, lives......yeah, I'd probably want out then as well.
My brother fought cancer as a 14 year old...twice....he fought with EVERYTHING - and is alive and well (and a new dad) at 38 years old. If my AW fought with half his effort, she wouldn't be my STBXAW
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am sorry she did not find the F&F forum helpful. I have found it has helped me immensely. Many times people come here by way of saying how can I help my XXX (whomever they happen to be posting about who is an addict). I think the main thing on this forum is that you really cannot fix that person. So many people with an addict in their lives think they can do something to help that person. While you can encourage their recovery, you cannot be the person to cure it for them.
I know at one point I was not ready to hear that. It has been a long road of many years for me to realize I have an alcoholic husband, I did not cause that, I cannot control that, and I cannot cure him.
So I think it depends on what frame of mind you are in if you are going to get help here. If you are here to try and see what you can do to make an alcoholic or drug addict be well, you are in the wrong place. If you are in the F&F forum to gain support while you do things to help yourself deal with recovery, you are in a great spot!
It's a choice to be here....or not.
I know at one point I was not ready to hear that. It has been a long road of many years for me to realize I have an alcoholic husband, I did not cause that, I cannot control that, and I cannot cure him.
So I think it depends on what frame of mind you are in if you are going to get help here. If you are here to try and see what you can do to make an alcoholic or drug addict be well, you are in the wrong place. If you are in the F&F forum to gain support while you do things to help yourself deal with recovery, you are in a great spot!
It's a choice to be here....or not.
Originally Posted by BlueFrancis
Oh I'm not offended. I don't think my girlfriend is offended either, she just didn't find much helpful info and doesn't see how any of these people could possibly be helping themselves.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: London
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by BlueFrancis
Oh I'm not offended. I don't think my girlfriend is offended either, she just didn't find much helpful info and doesn't see how any of these people could possibly be helping themselves.
I credit this forum with turning my life around...and that of my 4 kids. I don't mean "it helped a bit" - I mean our lives went from hell on earth to pretty cool - as a result of this place.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I am sorry that your girlfriend did not find her experience here to be something beneficial to her. One really important thing I've learned over the years is that I have no control over someone else's recovery--whether it is the alcoholics/addicts in my life or my fellow enablers. It seems to me that you are trying to control how members here are participating in their own recoveries. I think you will find, in the end, that isn't your job.
I hope, again, that you are having success in your own recovery process and that your participating in the Newcomers and Alcoholism forums has been beneficial to you.
I hope, again, that you are having success in your own recovery process and that your participating in the Newcomers and Alcoholism forums has been beneficial to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
And my applause goes to lewis!!!!!!!!
Originally Posted by lewis73
i use aw because a) it's simple and quick and b) on the scale of "nasty things you can do" it's a lot lower than get wasted, ruin your kids lives, cheat on your husband and shut out your family.....so i'm comfortable with the shorthand.
And the "if they had cancer" argument....i used that all the time, with myself...anyone that didnt understand....our kids even. "hey, support mum...it's like she's sick" "leave my wife??? Are you mad...what if she had cancer"
after a while it dawned on me that if my aw had cancer, refused treatment and used the illness (rightly or not) as a justification for ruining my, and our kids, lives......yeah, i'd probably want out then as well.
My brother fought cancer as a 14 year old...twice....he fought with everything - and is alive and well (and a new dad) at 38 years old. If my aw fought with half his effort, she wouldn't be my stbxaw
And the "if they had cancer" argument....i used that all the time, with myself...anyone that didnt understand....our kids even. "hey, support mum...it's like she's sick" "leave my wife??? Are you mad...what if she had cancer"
after a while it dawned on me that if my aw had cancer, refused treatment and used the illness (rightly or not) as a justification for ruining my, and our kids, lives......yeah, i'd probably want out then as well.
My brother fought cancer as a 14 year old...twice....he fought with everything - and is alive and well (and a new dad) at 38 years old. If my aw fought with half his effort, she wouldn't be my stbxaw
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
If your girlfriend wants to find a supportive place, she doesn't need you looking over her shoulder.
Why do I believe that she was horrified? Maybe you don't like alcoholics being referred to as same because you have some work to do on yourself. I don't know what she thinks, because she isn't posting. You are.
She's welcome anytime. I hope she finds a place of her own to turn to for support and useful information.
Best of luck on your recovery. Me thinks you've got your work cut out for you, BF.
Why do I believe that she was horrified? Maybe you don't like alcoholics being referred to as same because you have some work to do on yourself. I don't know what she thinks, because she isn't posting. You are.
She's welcome anytime. I hope she finds a place of her own to turn to for support and useful information.
Best of luck on your recovery. Me thinks you've got your work cut out for you, BF.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Originally Posted by BlueFrancis
People who refer to their partners as their "A", "AH", and even "STBXAH" or any degrading abbreviation shouldn't be in that relationship in my opinion. If it's got to that stage you're not helping them or yourselves.
If your husband had cancer would you refer to them as your "C" or "CH"? If you're relationship was on the rocks would you refer to them as your "STBXCH"?
These abbreviations are dehumanizing and not helpful in any way to your relationships with alcoholics, whether you want to get out of the relationship or not. "S**t or get off the pot."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi Blue Francis,
It is great that you are in recovery. I hope you continue to work your program.
It seems to me that you and your girlfriend are actually in the right place coming to this forum. She wants to help her alcoholic partner and those of us further down the road have realized that we actually cannot help our alcoholic partners, we can only help ourselves. Since you are in recovery, I assume that you know that too. And since you are reporting to this forum about your girlfriend's experience here and the experiences of her friends, you are probably aware that telling us about their opinions is fairly codependent behavior.
It is just my humble opinion, but I think it is a good thing you have found this forum and I hope that you continue to read threads here. You might find something helpful.
It is great that you are in recovery. I hope you continue to work your program.
It seems to me that you and your girlfriend are actually in the right place coming to this forum. She wants to help her alcoholic partner and those of us further down the road have realized that we actually cannot help our alcoholic partners, we can only help ourselves. Since you are in recovery, I assume that you know that too. And since you are reporting to this forum about your girlfriend's experience here and the experiences of her friends, you are probably aware that telling us about their opinions is fairly codependent behavior.
It is just my humble opinion, but I think it is a good thing you have found this forum and I hope that you continue to read threads here. You might find something helpful.
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