ConfessionBear

This forum seems really active. I'm looking forward to this, I think.

So, confession time. Without being too specific. I lost a job about 5 years ago. And it took me quite some time to find a new one. I'm an intelligent guy, a couple degrees. I was married. No kids. I wouldn't say that alcohol caused any of that. It was the other way around. So I guess that's pretty cliché.

It was kind of rough for a bit.

This is the part where I'm not sure if I'm alone or not. I started drinking. Just a little at first. And it didn't take much. I'd buy good vodka, have a few drinks when I got home. I'd get drunk easily then. But I was alone. No one knew. To be honest, I still don't think anyone knows.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling...

Gradually it started taking more and more, ya know? Until right now, 5 years later, I can easily put down 3+ liters a week and not blink an eye. The cheapest stuff I can find, too.

I guess if I'm going to confess I'll keep going...

I'd go to different stores. So the clerks wouldn't think I could possibly be getting all this for myself THAT often.

Then it got worse. I started in the morning. Having my first drink at 6:30 or 7. Usually because I was still feeling ill from the night before and I found that helped.

I've been successful at work, too. I’ve had several promotions in the last three years.

Here's the kicker, I live with a wonderful girl. For over a year. And she has no idea. You're probably thinking I'm just telling myself that. But she doesn't. No one does. I'm good at hiding things. Literally hiding things. She even comments at times how she never sees me drunk. And I think of that scene from The Avengers where Mark Ruffalo says "That's my secret, I'm always angry" before turning into The Hulk. Only replace "angry" with "drunk." I even hide vodka at work.

I've probably gained 45 pounds in the last 2 years. And that has to be why.

The weird part is, I don't drink much when we go out with friends. I'm the one who nurses a beer, maybe two, for 3 hours. I don't know why I depend on this one crutch so much. And I hate what it's done to me.

So far I've been lucky. But the bottom has to drop out soon. I want to quit before that inevitability.

Okay... whew. That's the first time in these 5 years I've put that into words at all. Not with people, not in person, not tyed or written.

Now... to hit submit...

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR.

This is an active place. And the more active you are, the more helpful you'll find it.

So you've confessed. Great. Acceptance of a problem is key if you plan to address it. Good luck.

firstymer

Welcome to SR, ConfessionBear. Maybe, as you say, people don't realize the extent of your drinking. But it doesn't really matter, does it? You know. And, like the rest of us, you know that it is a progressive thing that will undoubtedly get worse.

In the 6 months that I have been a member of SR, I have never told anyone else - not my family, not my fiance - that I am an alcoholic. I have only told you wonderful strangers here at SR. And that has been enough, at least for me. It has helped keep me sober since the first day I found SR.

I wish that for you, too. Good luck. Post often. I am glad you are here with us.

FreeOwl

welcome.... your story is very, very familiar....

I'm sure I'm not the only one who sees in your confession the echoes of our own experience in one or more ways.

I hope this marks the opening of your isolation, secrecy and darkness and your willingness to step out into the light and choose sobriety.

ConfessionBear

Thanks firstymer. . . That's what I'm hoping to accomplish. I don't want to tell my friends and family. I just want to stop.

Edit: And thank you, too, Freeowl. I have to be honest. I don't think it'll happen right away. I just found SR today. I've used message forums int he past to help with things. Can you believe it? I used one when I found my ex was cheating on me. And get this, I even used a forum when I thought another ex, from long ago, was also an alcoholic. And these places and you anonymous strangers really, really do help.

I'll be comnig back often. I imagine several times a day...

Skye2

to SR ConfessionBear

desertsong

Your story sounds a lot like mine. The hiding, drinking in the morning, going to different liquor stores, gaining weight ... oh yeah.

This is a good time to stop. It will only continue to get worse. You're functioning now, but that won't last forever, trust me. So get a plan together. How will you stop and stay stopped?

Glad you're here. This is a wonderful place for support.

IOAA2

Hi. You have just pasted the first part of stopping drinking and that's self honesty about your drinking. Next is accepting that drinking will never get better/normal.
Now all you need to do to get and stay sober is not to pick up any drink. That is where the long term, rewarding work lies. RECOVERY. Simple tho not always easy.

BE WELL

ImperfectlyMe

Welcome confession glad to have you. And I hope that unburdening yourself with your secrets you can begin to heal, grow, recover!

silentrun

Welcome Confessionbear. I hid it too.

least

I'm glad you found us and joined the family. You'll find a lot of support here.

Kris47

ConfessionBear,

You've made a first start. Good going. Don't stop there or you'll find yourself like me and many others still drinking years from now and killing themselves. The sooner you give it up, the easier it will be. Don't lose all the good things in your life before you do something. We're here for you but you gotta get real for yourself, too. Welcome!

ConfessionBear

I'm already just happy and moved by the responses.
@desertsong, you asked about my plan...
I know this is a judgment free zone. So I'll be honest about my plan. I'm not doing this today. But soon. If I have anything left I'll dump it. I plan to report the date and time of my last drink. But even that's not fair. My plan for quitting isn't to quit, I’m afraid. I just want to get rid of this crutch. I don't want to buy liters of vodka anymore. I don't want to drink at work, or in the mornings before my girlfriend wakes up. I want to stop that. Without the vodka I am a moderate to desperate drinker. Other than this terrible crutch I have a single beer every few nights. At my friend's bachelor party I was the DD. And I can honestly say I was sober as a judge. It's this one thing. Granted, this one ENORMOUS thing. And I just want to kill it.
So I'm an analytical guy. I know my triggers. I quit smoking, too. I did that about 2 years ago. Cold turkey. After smoking for... I guess 10 years. 1-2 packs a day. I won that and I can win this, too.
Triggers seem to be associated with times of day for me. Events. It was almost a routine that I adopted more than anything. Grab what I need for the morning from the various hiding places. Funnel booze into this or that secret container. Etc, etc... I need to either replace those ceremonies with something healthy or abandon them altogether.
My ideal future will be to never buy another gallon of vodka. Or any other size. To not drink that stuff ever again. To be able to have the 1 or 2 beers a week I used to be able to enjoy without thinking to myself that this is just a symptom of something greater.
My motivations are to stop saying hurtful things when I KNOW I'm right (um, but am actually wrong). And to lose weight.
My goal is to be sober, soon engaged to this amazing girl, and to write a screenplay. I can’t, in fairness, put her in a situation with me before I can handle this.
P.S. For those of you who cringed when I said my goal for quitting isn’t to quit… If this doesn’t work after 6 months my next plan is confession...  I’m hoping my fear of losing everything will be motivation enough…

2bhappier

Hi Confession,

I like the subject of your post. I used to wish I was a Catholic person and could go to confession with a priest. I never understood why the Catholics I know (and I am married to one) always seemed to want to avoid going to confession. I would LOVE to be able to get stuff off my chest. I would go all the time! But alas, I am not Catholic and can't go to confession and get absolution.

Anyway, I related to pretty much everything you wrote (except I am female and I gain weight when I don't drink because I eat so much then!). I also went to different liquor stores, acted totally normal when out in public at dinner, didn't drink much or at all, etc.

All I can say is for me I really don't think I could ever become a moderate drinker. I think in my case I am an alcoholic and I have to just flat old NOT drink. But I can't think long term because that just upsets me and I get anxious about not being able to drink in the future. And I hate anxiety.

Only you know you. I am glad you are here. Keep posting. And, maybe we should all confess something!

ConfessionBear

I was raised Catholic! I didnt' even make the connection but I have no doubt now that's why I used that particular title! At first it was just because of the meme. But that does make sense.
Not to sound, I dont' know... uppity? But I don't practice that faith anymore. I consider myself a secular humanist. I'll go exploring the forums more. I'm certain there's a more appropriate place for any discussion re: religion.

But what a wonderful point you made!

FreeOwl

you're a lot like me from the sound of it.... smart.... logical... successful... analytical.... you make things happen.... not much beats you....


Turns out, I was too smart for my own good.

Finally had to admit; this thing.... this thing had me beat.

I hope your journey comes with relatively low cost.

misterritter

Welcome and good luck in your quest.

I also hardly ever get drunk around other people. I am very good at only having a beer or two when I'm around others. I am also very good at having a bottle of wine or two or anything else to get me drunk when I'm alone. I sometimes have the thought that it would be great if I can just not drink when I'm alone, but I don't think that's possible for me. I hope it will work for you, just be aware that it rarely does from what I've heard and read.

dax501

I could swear you were writing my story. I funneled my daily doses of vodka into empty shampoo travel bottles and hid them in my bathroom. I have kids so the only time I could sneak away and not get caught was to lock myself in the bathroom. I only had 3 stores around me that sell hard liquor, so the alternating was still embarrassing. Won't miss trying to remember which store I had hit on which day, who worked certain shifts so I could avoid them, etc. Only on my second day of quitting, but already feel so much better not having to live a separate life. It was almost a full time job! Good luck to you on your path, I've been assured its worth it

ConfessionBear

@dax501, thank you for that...
I have a funnel in my car and I hide my water bottles of vodka in the spare tire well in my trunk...

I, too, feel like one of the biggest reliefs will be not worrying about hiding anything. Not remembering whether I closed this or that cabinet or left something out that I shouldn't have, etc...

FreeOwl

I hope you don't take this wrong... but I would like you to consider the very real possibility that you should start the process of sobriety NOW.

The longer you wait, the more you will lose.

I've been re-reading your words and dwelling on this today.... and I just felt like I'd be doing you a disservice if I didn't at least say it.