Detachment With Love

Old 01-28-2014, 09:20 PM
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Detachment With Love

Detachment WITH LOVE
~From Naranon literature

Detachment WITH LOVE is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person's addiction can be a means of detaching. It does not necessarily require physical separation. Detachment can help us look at our situation realistically and objectively, enabling us to make decisions based on facts and not just feelings.

We believe we have the family disease of addiction. Living with the effects of someone else's drug abuse and addiction becomes so devastating that most people cannot bare it without the help and support of others.

We are learning that nothing we say or do can cause or cure our loved one's addiction. We are not responsible for anyone else's disease or recovery.

Detachment WITH LOVE allows us to let go of our obsession with our loved one's behavior and begin to heal ourselves, so that we can lead happier and more manageable lives, with dignity and rights, guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We believe we can do this while continuing to love and care for our loved one - without liking their behavior or accepting the consequences of that behavior in our lives. We believe we can change ourselves, others we can only love.

In Nar-Anon we learn the we do not have to suffer as a result of someone else's actions, reactions or consequences. We do not have to permit ourselves to be used or abused by others. We no longer feel obligated to do for others what they can do for themselves. We learn that we harm ourselves and our loved one when we attempt to manipulate situations so others will behave as we see fit. We come to understand the covering for another's mistakes or misdeeds only contributes to the problem. We learn to neither cause nor prevent crises in the lives of our loved one, nor attempt to make better or worse the consequences of their actions.

By DETACHING WITH LOVE, we learn to focus on ourselves, our own ideas, emotions and attitudes. We understand we have a role to play in the situation we find ourselves experiencing, and we choose to focus on improving our role in the situation. As we do so, our well-being and our situation improves - for ALL involved.
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Old 01-29-2014, 10:07 PM
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This is one of the best summaries of what Al-Anon and Nar-Anon is about.

By DETACHING WITH LOVE, we learn to focus on ourselves, our own ideas, emotions and attitudes. We understand we have a role to play in the situation we find ourselves experiencing, and we choose to focus on improving our role in the situation. As we do so, our well-being and our situation improves - for ALL involved.
I love that paragraph. We chose to focus on improving OUR role in the situation.
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Old 01-30-2014, 09:54 AM
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I was googling something else and ran across this on Hazelden.
Detachment with love gains new meaning -- Hazelden

Detachment with love gains new meaning

One of the great gifts of the recovery movement is the concept of detachment with love.
Originally conceived as a way to relate to an alcoholic family member, detachment with
love is actually a tool that we can apply with anyone.

Al-Anon, a mutual-help group for people with alcoholic friends or family members, pioneered the idea of detachment with love. A core principle of Al-Anon is that alcoholics cannot learn from their mistakes if they are overprotected.

That word "overprotected" has many meanings. For example, it means calling in sick for your husband if he is too drunk to show up for work. Overprotecting also means telling children that mommy didn't show up for the school play because she had to work late, when the truth is that she was at a bar until midnight.

We used to call such actions "enabling," because they enabled alcoholics to continue drinking. Today we use the word "adapting," which is less blaming.

Originally, detachment with love was a call for family members to stop adapting. But as Al-Anon grew, people misunderstood detachment with love as a way to scare alcoholics into changing. Such as, "If you don't go to treatment, I'll leave you!" Such threats were a gamble that fear could force an alcoholic into seeking help.

For years the concept of detachment with love got stuck there. In fact, people still call Hazelden and ask, " If the person I love continues to drink or use other drugs, should I leave?"

My response is to ask family members to consider a deeper meaning of detachment with love. This meaning centers on new questions: What are your needs beyond the needs of the alcoholic or addict? How can you take care of yourself even if the person you love chooses not to get help?

Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives-the desire to control others.

Ultimately we are powerless to control others anyway. Most family members of an addicted person have been trying to change that person for a long time, and it hasn't worked. We are involved with other people but we don't control them. We simply can't stop people from doing things if they choose to continue.

Understood this way, detachment with love plants the seeds of recovery. When we refuse to take responsibility for other people's alcohol or drug use, we allow them to face the natural consequences of their behavior. If a child asks why mommy missed the school play, we do not have to lie. Instead, we can say, "I don't know why she wasn't here. You'll have to ask her."

Perhaps the essence of detachment with love is responding with choice rather than reacting with anxiety. When we threaten to leave someone, we're usually tuned in to someone else's feelings. We operate on raw emotion. We say things for shock value. Our words arise from blind reaction, not thoughtful choice.

Detachment with love offers another option -- responding to others based on thought rather than anxiety. For instance, as parents we set limits for our children even when this angers them. We choose what we think is best over the long term, looking past the children's immediate emotional reaction.

In this sense, detachment with love can apply whenever we have an emotional attachment to someone-family or friend, addicted or sober. The key is to stop being responsible for others and be responsible to them-and to ourselves.
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Old 01-30-2014, 11:13 AM
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Excellent Morning Glory! This is a great explanation of detaching with love. It doesn't have to mean leaving someone (although sometimes it does). It doesn't mean being mean. It doesn't mean doing anything but doing what we should do in the first place. Take good care of ourselves so that we're ok and our "ok" isn't dependent on another.

I think some people use words like "tough love" as well and the concept behind it is misunderstood. The "tough" part is tough on/for ME.....not on the addict in my life. It's very difficult to stop enabling behavior......particularly when it's a son or daughter (at least for me......I have a comparative since I was married to an addict and also have an adult son who is addicted).

Thanks for sharing such a great post on detachment!

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Old 01-30-2014, 11:27 AM
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I have had 3 different experiences. I had to let one relationship go completely because I wasn't safe. He turned out to be an addict.

I had another relationship with an alcoholic and was able to detach. We were friends for 15 years until he died. He never stopped drinking.

Both of those relationships were before I knew anything about addiction.

It was my son who brought me here. I have a much harder time with my son.
I wish I could let go more and find peace, but I haven't been able to do that emotionally.
I can make the decisions that are hard to make, but not without a lot of pain and fear.
I do cope really well though, but I would like to have more than just being able to cope well.
I wish I could find peace and let go of what I still think is some form of control.

It is really hard to do when his death is always a possiblility.
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Old 01-30-2014, 03:36 PM
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I can totally relate to that. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I mentally prepared for my son's funeral--it was unbearable. I planned everything. The music. Who would be there. What he would wear. Everything. Quite masochistic. Through my process......I finally realized that I had to let go of my fear......not let go of my son. It was fear that I was holding on to and it was such a destructive force for me. I feared his death......just like you said.

I don't like to think of the death of any of the people I love.....but the reality is....any of them could die......be it in a car accident......or just being in the wrong place at the wrong time....or fall out of the sky like my father did.....there is absolutely no "good" way to lose someone we love. Once I came to accept that my son will die.....be it from drugs or anything else someday......just like the other people I love, I somehow found peace.

I don't believe we have to let go of the people we love--detach with love absolutely. Maybe......like me......you can let go of the fear. It does help. I will hold my son close in my heart.....in active addiction or not.....forever. But I can't handle holding on to the fear. I replaced fear.....with faith.

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Old 01-31-2014, 10:18 AM
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I hope my post is on topic for this thread.
I just really need to share, lol.

I realized something after your last post kindeyes.

I've had really good boundaries for many years. I extended my boundaries a few months ago when my new born grandchild was going to be homeless. Against my better judgment I let my son and his girlfriend move in with her 8 year old and my new grandson. It turned out to be a disaster as usual. He drank and she ran off to another state.

When I have to make hard decisions it robs me of my peace. If the actions are all his I do pretty well. After 3 attempts to detox him in the hospital I had to put him out in the cold. I gave him blankets and plastic to wrap up in, but he was too drunk to figure out how to stay warm. He didn't eat for 3 days. He ended up off the mountain and at a graveyard.

This all happened last week. It ended really well. He put himself in the hospital suicidal and they got him in a 90 day program 2 months ahead of everyone on the waiting list. He became willing to get help after being cold and hungry and homeless. It's the first time that no one else rescued him.

I did not know if he would sink or swim. That was so hard. Intellectually I know it was his actions that caused it, but emotionally it was me who put him out there to suffer.
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Old 01-31-2014, 12:28 PM
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Prayers out for your son, MG. I know how hard that was for you and am glad it turned out well. Who knew that going to a hospital suicidal could lead to something good? It's another "strangely wrapped gift" that God gives us now and then.

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Old 02-02-2014, 12:27 PM
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Boy oh boy...can I relate to your post. I understand how difficult that is......I have also had to do it and it absolutely tears me up.

You and your son will be in my prayers.........

Gentlest of hugs from one mom to another
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