Detachment With A Hatchet
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Detachment With A Hatchet
Detachment With A Hatchet
An AlAnon Share by Tami
Detachment has been a long, on-going lesson learned in my Al-Anon recovery. My default setting is reacting to other people’s behavior in anger and being resentful for what is being done ‘to me’, when really it has nothing to do with me. My ego and self-absorbed inner victim prevented me from being able to see situations outside of how they would ultimately effect me. EVERYTHING was all about me in my mind. And eventually this played into a mindset that my qualifiers were the way they were because of me.
I tried to force solutions and brow-beat them into submission with my anger, all-or-nothing demands, martyrdom, and arrogance in that I knew exactly what they needed to do to get better. My voice wrote checks my heart couldn’t cash, my actions were fueled by anger that eventually subsided and left me justifying what I had done because “they made me do it.”
I didn’t get the concept of detachment. In my mind, detaching with a hatchet was the only way to prevent further chaos in my head and prove I was serious about what I was saying. I had no concept of appropriate boundaries and did not know how to make real the Al-Anon concept of keeping the focus on me because my future always seemed hinged on what they did or didn’t do.
Over the last few months, through working the steps, I have finally learned the concept of detaching with love and compassion. I see that my life- what’s inside my little snow-globe- is my business. I can see my qualifiers as people like me who are struggling. I can accept them just as they are without expectations of where I think they should be. I can treat them with the dignity and respect they deserve and focus my attention on truly getting better, myself, instead of waiting for someone else to “step in line.” I can get out of my Higher Power’s way and focus on living each day, one day at a time, without working the mental chess game.
I am so grateful for the Al-Anon program
An AlAnon Share by Tami
Detachment has been a long, on-going lesson learned in my Al-Anon recovery. My default setting is reacting to other people’s behavior in anger and being resentful for what is being done ‘to me’, when really it has nothing to do with me. My ego and self-absorbed inner victim prevented me from being able to see situations outside of how they would ultimately effect me. EVERYTHING was all about me in my mind. And eventually this played into a mindset that my qualifiers were the way they were because of me.
I tried to force solutions and brow-beat them into submission with my anger, all-or-nothing demands, martyrdom, and arrogance in that I knew exactly what they needed to do to get better. My voice wrote checks my heart couldn’t cash, my actions were fueled by anger that eventually subsided and left me justifying what I had done because “they made me do it.”
I didn’t get the concept of detachment. In my mind, detaching with a hatchet was the only way to prevent further chaos in my head and prove I was serious about what I was saying. I had no concept of appropriate boundaries and did not know how to make real the Al-Anon concept of keeping the focus on me because my future always seemed hinged on what they did or didn’t do.
Over the last few months, through working the steps, I have finally learned the concept of detaching with love and compassion. I see that my life- what’s inside my little snow-globe- is my business. I can see my qualifiers as people like me who are struggling. I can accept them just as they are without expectations of where I think they should be. I can treat them with the dignity and respect they deserve and focus my attention on truly getting better, myself, instead of waiting for someone else to “step in line.” I can get out of my Higher Power’s way and focus on living each day, one day at a time, without working the mental chess game.
I am so grateful for the Al-Anon program
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
This is such an excellent piece. Thank you for sharing......unfortunately I think there are those who have absolutely no understanding of what Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are and they often perpetuate untruths......I don't blame them.....it is easy to condemn that which a person doesn't understand. And quite honestly, I didn't "get it" for quite a long time but I decided that if it worked for so doggone many people.......I'm a smart lady.....I can figure it out too. And I did (and I am still learning daily).
It has nothing to do with religion. It has nothing to do with the addict getting clean or staying clean. It has everything to do with being the best person that I can be, accepting myself and others (including the addict), and letting go of the things that I cannot and do not control. It is about recognizing that it's not my responsibility to change anything or anyone else.....other than me.
It is about finding peace within myself and being "enough". It's about finding joy in living my life.
Loving someone who is addicted can take a terrible toll on those around them.....I know I blamed the addicts in my life for a very long time....thinking "if only they would get clean, my life would be better". That's turning an awful lot of power over to someone else.
gentle hugs
ke
It has nothing to do with religion. It has nothing to do with the addict getting clean or staying clean. It has everything to do with being the best person that I can be, accepting myself and others (including the addict), and letting go of the things that I cannot and do not control. It is about recognizing that it's not my responsibility to change anything or anyone else.....other than me.
It is about finding peace within myself and being "enough". It's about finding joy in living my life.
Loving someone who is addicted can take a terrible toll on those around them.....I know I blamed the addicts in my life for a very long time....thinking "if only they would get clean, my life would be better". That's turning an awful lot of power over to someone else.
gentle hugs
ke
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