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Can't keep a sponsor, whats wrong with me!

Old 01-28-2014, 06:09 PM
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Can't keep a sponsor, whats wrong with me!

Once again I was not able to stay sober and have been off in la la land for the last four months. I have seriously tried the sponsor thing many times. I had two that I stopped seeing because I went out and drank but I had three who just disappeared on me! And early on in meeting with them, like maybe met one or twice and then I never hear from them again and it just happened again!! I'm so confused and my trust is out the window. I want to stay sober soooooo bad but feel I must not be worth it. I'm so hurt and angry! I prayed so hard to get one and got one and now she has not returned my call.........
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Old 01-28-2014, 06:11 PM
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question; have you been working the steps?

like - really digging in and working them, workbooks and structure and all?

hang in there... you'll get it....
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Old 01-28-2014, 06:21 PM
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Yea I did all there homework and request and called them everyday and the last one left to visit family and told me to call her everyday and I did and never heard back from her ever again. My newest one did the same thing!
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Old 01-28-2014, 06:28 PM
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Originally Posted by mireille3rd View Post
Once again I was not able to stay sober and have been off in la la land for the last four months. I have seriously tried the sponsor thing many times. I had two that I stopped seeing because I went out and drank but I had three who just disappeared on me! And early on in meeting with them, like maybe met one or twice and then I never hear from them again and it just happened again!! I'm so confused and my trust is out the window. I want to stay sober soooooo bad but feel I must not be worth it. I'm so hurt and angry! I prayed so hard to get one and got one and now she has not returned my call.........
Well, for the first two you bear responsibility as you stopped seeing them. As for the other three, have you tried contacting them? Did they disappear while you were "off in la la land?" Maybe that's why they stopped sponsoring you. Just a guess.

Maybe try and contact the first two and do a quick Step 9. (The Steps needn't be worked in order, when some amendments are obvious. When it comes time to do the Steps in order, keep them in mind and perhaps speak with them again, if you can and if it's needed.)

As for the one you have now who won't return your call.... perhaps she can't right now for who knows what reason. Maybe she's in some crisis of her own right now and can't return your call just yet. Again, more guessing by me. But maybe wait a while.

Go to a meeting ASAP. Perhaps bring this up there.
BUT: you ARE worth it! Everyone is! You'll get through this!
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Old 01-28-2014, 06:32 PM
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I sometimes have to check the literature for what a sponsor isn't to reassure myself that everything is ok with my sponsor and our relationship, because I can get pretty insecure about it.

But, my sponsor is there to guide me through the steps. The deal we made is that I call her or text her every day. Sometimes she'll call me. She always calls me back. It's a committed relationship. We sat down and agreed to it.

She gave me my step working guide and gives me direction. She expects me to go to a reasonable number of meetings a week. We belong to the same home group and share a lot of social activities too. Also service at area.

She is a wonderful lady, and tells me to look at myself first a lot which is irritating - lol - but most of the time she's right.

I empathize with what you are going through as this is the first time I have a sponsor relationship like this and have had my share of bad ones that never got out of the gate.

Keep on keeping on and you will do this. Love You.
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Old 01-28-2014, 06:45 PM
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Old 01-28-2014, 06:46 PM
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Sobercatholic, No I was in full recovery with the sponsors who disappeared. I was not drinking, calling them everyday and doing homework as asked. One never called me back after talking to her a couple times on the phone, I left many messages and never heard from her again. The second one went to go visit family and told me to keep in contact everyday. I did and left many messages and never heard back. the recent one told me to call on the dot at six everynight and she would be waiting and she didn't like messages. I've never heard back. None of these is when I went back out and drank. I stayed on my own for a while and then drank.
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Old 01-28-2014, 06:55 PM
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Originally Posted by mireille3rd View Post
Sobercatholic, No I was in full recovery with the sponsors who disappeared. I was not drinking, calling them everyday and doing homework as asked. One never called me back after talking to her a couple times on the phone, I left many messages and never heard from her again. The second one went to go visit family and told me to keep in contact everyday. I did and left many messages and never heard back. the recent one told me to call on the dot at six everynight and she would be waiting and she didn't like messages. I've never heard back. None of these is when I went back out and drank. I stayed on my own for a while and then drank.
I don't know, then. I am really sorry for the pain and rejection you are going through. Perhaps these people should just not be sponsoring.

But like I said before, attend a meeting, SOON, and perhaps bring this up as a topic. (Unless these people are there...) But what you're reporting is soooo not the way it is supposed to be.
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Old 01-28-2014, 06:55 PM
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Originally Posted by sobercatholic View Post
Maybe try and contact the first two and do a quick Step 9. (The Steps needn't be worked in order, when some amendments are obvious. When it comes time to do the Steps in order, keep them in mind and perhaps speak with them again, if you can and if it's needed.)
Woah, what?! That's like saying it's time to pull the turkey out of the oven 2 hours before you put the darned thing in there!

Let's keep it simple. You came into the program, asked someone to work with you, started doing the work, then you drank. Why? Most likely because you are powerless not to. It came to a point where you wanted to drink more then stay sober, so you drank. You stopped contacting the person that you were working with.. Which tells me they might still be there for you to contact.

This program is simple. It says on page 2 of We Agnostics that lack of power was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which to live. Or we drink. That's what the book is all about, and what the steps are all about. Giving you a power to not drink. I could ask plenty of questions about what you did and why, but simply put it doesn't matter at the immediate moment. What does matter is the willingness that I see in your post. You sound like you want this thing. My advice is to go up to an old codger with tons of time that you don't like and ask HIM to sponsor you. Then do everything he says.
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Old 01-28-2014, 06:59 PM
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Maybe I do have a question... How much time did your sponsors have, and did they have something you want other then sobriety?
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Old 01-28-2014, 07:09 PM
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Once again these were not sponsors that I had when I went out and drank again. Two of them were and I take responsibility for that. But three of them I was doing all they asked and meeting with them. (read above) and then I kept calling and calling and never heard back!
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Old 01-28-2014, 07:20 PM
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I understand. Don't give up.. And I am serious about grabbing ahold of the guy that has tons of time that you don't like. That's the guy that isn't going to disappear on you, and will probably recognize exactly what it is that you need to stay sober.
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Old 01-29-2014, 12:42 AM
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Sorry you've been messed about Mireille. I had a similar experience just trying to find a sponsor. I asked loads of women and they all just made their excuses. I was beginning to wonder what the hell was wrong with me or if I asked wrong or something. Eventually I found a great sponsor online via the aa forum. Very occasionally she doesn't get back to me but usually it's because she has been ill or busy. We have to remember that other people have their own stuff to deal with and won't be our perception of perfect. Just don't let other people's behaviour make you feel bad about yourself. Usually the reasons for stuff like this is all about them and nothing to do with you x
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Old 01-29-2014, 01:26 AM
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Originally Posted by StevenT View Post
I understand. Don't give up.. And I am serious about grabbing ahold of the guy that has tons of time that you don't like. That's the guy that isn't going to disappear on you, and will probably recognize exactly what it is that you need to stay sober.
Actually Steven has a good point. A sponsor is there to tell you the things you don't want to hear. A lot of times it ends up being the person you would least expect!

It is hard to find a good sponsor and sometimes you will go thru a few before you find one you can click with. Keep trying and don't give up. Never let anyone ever make you feel that you aren't worth it. We can only be unworthy if we think we are. We have to take some responsibility for that as people can only make us feel that way if we let them. Don't let them.
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Old 01-29-2014, 03:37 AM
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go to meetings. keep yer ears open. listen for the program. look for ones that keep comin back.
if ya want to hear what ya want to hear and not what ya need to hear, yer not gonna do too good. sometimes the truth hurts, but it is best taken with a dose of humility.

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program...
...demands rigorous honesty.
...many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not.
Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
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Old 01-29-2014, 04:14 AM
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Sponsors aren't saints or paternal figures. They are just people, usually further along, who are trying to stay sober too. Their own sobriety is paramount to them, like yours needs to be paramount to you.

Maybe they had other things going on in their lives (shocker!) Or maybe, with the benefit of their experience, they backed off because they sensed you weren't ready yet. No sane person isn't going to fight with someone else's alcoholism. They could be wrong, in which case, your job is to establish they really aren't able to work on the steps you with you right now, or go find someone else to work with you. You are after all the one who wants to stay sober.

If I am powerless of my own use of alcohol (which I am) it's really very unlikely (very) that as someone's sponsor, I can convince them of their powerlessness, and I wouldn't even begin to try. That's not what a sponsor is there to do anyway. A sponsor helps you work through the steps when you are ready to stay stopped drinking. And you do the reaching out on that one, because it's important to you and you'd like to begin saving your life.

Ultimately, my sponsor isn't responsible for my sobriety, or lack of it. I'm responsible for that, and for how I work my programme or not.

Ring the ones you lost touch with. Say where you're at, and what's been happening. And for me, with everything, it helps if I keep my expectations of others real and take responsibility for myself.

Best of with it all...
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Old 01-29-2014, 06:46 AM
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Originally Posted by StevenT View Post
Woah, what?! That's like saying it's time to pull the turkey out of the oven 2 hours before you put the darned thing in there!
Not really! There is nothing wrong with making amends to someone right away if the opportunity presents itself. If, in early sobriety, I know that I had seriously harmed someone by my drinking, I'm supposed to wait until I "formally" get to Step 9? If this person sees me around, and is wounded from whatever I did to them, I am NOT supposed to make amends? Why does my participation in a 12 Step Program mean that I have to let their wound continue to fester and bring further harm just because I'm "supposed to" wait however long it takes for me to get to Step 9?

I can go to them and simply say, "I am sorry. I wronged you (in whatever manner) by my drinking. I am entering a 12 Step program where I am learning how to cope with things without drinking and how to make amends for my past and live better in the future. I am sorry for what I did. Can you accept this apology? We can talk about it later, again, after I have healed some more and am open to ways of making things better between us. But I just want you to know that for (whatever it was what) I did, I am sorry. I hope to eventually make things better."

Or something like that, anyway, the person at least knows that I am aware that I screwed them over, and I am trying to right things. It starts a healing process and lets them know that however imperfect the apology might be, it's a start without having to wait for some arbitrary timetable.

Nothing wrong with doing a little cleaning up of my side of the street from the get-go. It may be imperfect and haphazard, but so be it.

Yes, the Steps should be ideally worked in order. Always. But to me, putting off healing rifts and such because "I haven't gotten to that Step yet!" is a selfish act. It means (to me) that one prefers to let others remain harmed by my past.

Do we not start working Step 11 almost right away? Are not people in early recovery suggested that they start praying and meditating on a Higher Power, even if such meditations may only be reading the Big Book daily, and maybe AA's "Daily Reflections?" Are they told, "Oh, no! You can't start praying and meditating yet! That has to wait!!" Are they told that they can't recite the "Serenity Prayer" just yet, or the "Lord's Prayer?" What is that other than basic attempts at exercising Step 11?

Just my thinking, no one has to agree. If your way of practicing the Steps has worked for you, and whomever you might have sponsored, great!

We each do things somewhat differently.
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Old 01-29-2014, 08:25 AM
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One thing that has helped me tremendously in my life is to remind myself not to take things personally.

Most of what any of us do stems from our own beliefs, feelings, situations, and personalities. Even when someone does something that appears to be aimed AT us...it's coming from them. And if we are honest, most of what we do and say comes from US...other people don't make us do it. I can look at my behavior before, during and after a situation and own it. But I dont control the feelings or behavior of any other person.

When you relapsed, did you continue to call your sponsors, or did you drift away? Perhaps the new sponsors are relapsing, on booze, emotionally, or just busy with their lives. Or maybe they are people who have a hard time meeting commitments. Many of us are. Or maybe it's not a good fit for them. It's no harm, no foul that everyone doesn't work well with everyone else. At any rate, the reason isn't what matters. You getting a sponsor that is mutually agreeable is.

Pray for the sponsors' well being, and move on. I would call one of the first two and see if they are willing and open to sponsor you now. If not, find someone with long term sobriety and a calm personality and ask them to sponsor you.

Your statement that your trust is out the window jumped out at me. Trust in who and what? Who chose to go out and drink again? Does a sponsor owe you more allegiance to yourself and your sobriety than you do?

The role of a sponsor is to lead us through the steps. If, for any reason, they cannot, then we simply find a sponsor who can.

Everyone in the rooms is a recovering alcoholic, with their own issues, outside lives etc. I know when I came in I thought that the people in the program were different from me, that they knew a magic secret and were all recovered, noble, selfless etc etc. Then I found out that they are simply people, no more and no less. A sponsor is very simply another recovering alcoholic. Sometimes I flake out, sometimes they do. Some days I am reliable, some days they are. To hold them to a higher standard of behavior than I hold myself to is fruitless.

I got all kinds of crazy over the sponsor issue early on, and all kinds of drama with my first sponsor, and a few "almost" sponsors. I had all sorts of weird notions and expectations. It's a learning process.

There is the option of an online sponsor, at least as a temporary sponsor until we find a face to face sponsor, or for people in remote areas. There is at least one online AA group that provides that service.

I hope you can move past this and not let it distract you. I am glad you came here with this issue. The most important trust relationship we can ever have is with ourselves.

This is one reason why, in the program, we have a HP that is not our sponsor. We need something larger than we can put our trust in. We also need to learn to trust ourselves. If you are ready to live sober and put the program to use in your life, you are well on your way.

big hugs, I know it hurts and is bewildering when folks in the program turn out to be as frustratingly human as we are ourselves, but if THEY can recover...so can we, because we really aren't all that different.
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Old 01-29-2014, 09:42 AM
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Sounds like just some bad luck with people, or maybe a bad group, too. How long were these sponsors sober? If they havent been sober and coming to AA for at least a few years, that could be something to consider... I talked a bit with one lady who had been sober just a year. She had all kinds of problems in her own life and I texted her one day and though she was usually helpful she admitted honestly to me that she had just been thru some awful family stuff and couldn't deal with the subject of drinking, and then she sort of backed off from responding to me as well. I dont think she goes to AA anymore either.
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Old 01-29-2014, 09:53 AM
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I am sorry. I second maybe just a bad batch or group.

One thing to remember is that sponsors relapse too! Possibly (quite likely) these sponsors should not have been sponsoring in the first place.

Please don't give up. Seek out someone who has sponsored before and has been involved in your program in the long term.

Good Luck and God Bless!
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