Luthor

Hi all,

I don't drink every day and soemtimes I can stop after a couple (not very often and it feels very wrong when I do) but mostly I binge and drink till I pass out.

As a teenager I started by being arrested for shop lifting alcohol, several twimes, been thrown out of several colleges for drunkeness, lost countless jobs, crashed cars drunk, arrested for d&d and DUI, assaulted people + been assaulted all drunk. Still I decided I didn't have a problem as never been in prison and the war stories in meeting rooms I was forced into were all worse than mine.

I'm mild mannered, maybe a little shy and booze lights me up like a Christmas tree, gives me confidence but turns me from Dr Jekyll into Mr Hyde. Give me the chance and I most, not every time I will drink till I'm a mess of emotion, tears or aggression and at worst pure snarling ID - I'm not a pretty drunk

Fallen through kebab counters, pass out in the middle of dance floors or main roads, suffer countless blackouts - woken up in fields, strange cities and in hospital with no front teeth & a brain hemorage after stepping out in front of an SUV in blackout.

I got acute Pancreatitis earlier this year - Spent 10 agonising days in hospital , six in ICU waiting to die. I cut back it down after i came out 2 stone lighter. Prescribed Oxycodone for the pain - downed the full bottles and refilled them with water so fiance wouldn't know & ordered more of the internet. Eventually went back to alcohol - I swore I'd get it under control...but I couldn't...can't.

As I type this I am burning with shame, black out drunk I had performed an indecent act in a nightclub whilst blackout drunk - Innapropriate, crazy, completely out of character - I will never live it down. I'm lucky not to have ended up in a cell or psych ward. I had to be told about it - nearly lost my Fiance.

I keep drinking and Pancreatitis kills me, painfully or maybe start showing up on the psych wards. I told myself after bombing out of AA last time (close to two years sober) that I had it licked, that I'd be back if I ever had a problem.

so here's my problem..... I'm writing this not because I want to drink right now - That'll come in a day or two but because I'm already telling myself I don't have a problem and because I'm not drinking every day that this time, this time I can control it.

Writing it I can see the insanity - I can to write it down, to remind myself not to turst the voice telling me I'm ok - I'll be going to a meeting tomorrow and ok tonight now.

Thanks and Hi everyone. I'll try and contribute something usefull when I've got it give and a little recovery time under my belt. :-)

reflection

Welcome, Luthor, we're happy to have you here!

KateL

Welcome Luthor, there is tons of support here xxxxx

lovesymphony

Keep writing! That seems to help you see clearly again. Write instead of drink next time

bluncain

Welcome Mate

least

You've come to a great place for support. I'm glad you found us and joined the family.

Luthor

Thanks all

Dee74

Welcome to SR Luthor - thanks for sharing a little of your story
Hope to see you around a little more

D

JaylaaKent

Well you know the saying - if we don't recover - alcoholics end up in jails, institutions, or coffins. If the medical issues don't curtail (not to mention legal and family drama) not sure what will get you to that point? Maybe you need a rehab or something more than just AA?

Luthor

I hope AA will do it but you might be right - I think I was just waiting for another rock bottom and honestly this one doesn't get much lower. Even through lashings of self delusion the reality of jails, institutions or coffins are looming if I don't change.

I'm touching base with AA friends tomorrow, pretty much all who I drifted away from when left fellowship. One or two conversations I'm not sure how to handle such as old sponser I dropped like a bad habit and never called when dropped out last time (too embarresed)

Whoever said writing helps, yeah - has done tonight.