I shall overcome (make the pain stop)
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 16
I shall overcome (make the pain stop)
Freedom from a prison: As from 25th January 2014 I decided to finally once and for all remove this monkey from my back. I've just turned 37 and I have lost count of the number of times "I have quit for good" throughout my life. I usually get a couple of months (8 months the longest a number of years back) and then one of two things happen: 1) I doubt my decision and think I am "missing out" and I will be able to control it this time. I can for a while then I get a smack of a bus, a bender that sets me way back and I spend the next month(s) trying to repair the damage. or 2) Something "traumatic" happens to me in my life that I think I cannot handle and I make the stupid error of falling back onto alcohol because I apparently don't know what else to do. If I replaced the word traumatic with oversensitive it may be more accurate. That is to say me being oversensitive or taking things way too personally to events that happen in life. Things then quickly go from bad to worse and suddenly I have an additional problem as inevitably my drinking and bad decision making produces these "incidents". My life has been littered with these "incidents". A lot of people would see these incidents as their rock bottoms and decide to do something about it. Permanently. I regret that I have not quit drinking permanently a long time ago. Instead I have started drinking again and accumalated more of these incidents. A lot of wasted time and money, a lot of pain and hearthache for me and for others.
What is different about this time? I feel I can't take anymore. I can't take anymore (unnecassery) incidents. I can no longer take these emotions and what they are throwing at me. Black thoughts. Horrible feeling of loneliness and isolation. Terrible guilt and regret. I feel ready to throw myself off a cliff. I'm plagued by thoughts of suicide (unwanted thoughts). This for me is the limit. It is time to get off this ride to no-where. And live. I know I have a choice. I can roll over and die or I can work on making my life positive and happy again. Thankfully I have had periods of sobriety and I know that I was happy in those periods. It just takes a bit of patience, time and positive life affirming choices to "get into it".
Alcohol is my enemy. When I drink the next day I am depressed and incapable of doing anything constructive. Then those black thoughts arrive: dwelling on the past, accute stabbing loneliness, anxiety, fear, panic and a complete loss of confidence. How to feel a little "normal"? Sure a couple of drinks to take the edge off. When I drink I am careless with my possessions and my health. I would take any drug when I am drunk, yet when I am sober you could not pay me to take a drug. When I am sober/normal I am fitness and I am health. A complete contradiction. A complete personality change. An alcoholic if you will. My judgement and common sense go out the window. Basically alcohol changes me drastically and renders me into an absolutely careless idiot. It's a metamorphous on a catastrophic level. Leave it in the bottle. I don't need it.
Honestly, when I am sober my life is flowing along nicely and I have peace of mind and a nice general sense of wellbeing. My goals are on track, I have time, money and energy. When I am not drinking I am an early riser and I exercise and eat well, which adds to the sense of wellbeing. When I drink everthing gets turned upside down and my life turns into a nightmare; a living nightmare and I only want one thing: to die.
It's the moment right now that the choice is made for good. It's the moment to choose sobriety. It's the moment to choose a teetotal life. I'm choosing my destiny right now: a life of peace of mind and clarity, of health and strenght, a life of positivity and energy, of joy and love, a life of money and work, of security, loyalty and trust, a life of self-control, self-discipline and most importantly of self-respect. A life of independance and of pure freedom.
Judge all things by what they cost you : Well what does alcohol give me? Absolutely nothing. (I could say an escape, a buzz, social life...but I would either be lying or clutching at straws.) It gives me nothing, there is no benefit to it that I can honestly see. I run to it if I can't handle a problem, but it does not help. It makes the problem worse. It's fool's gold. The emperor's clothing. I've been had. I've been lied to and cheated.
What does it cost me? A mountain. Time and more time. Money and more money with loss and/or destruction of possessions, loss of earnings, paying for the incidents, not to mention pissing my money away for nothing. It sucks the energy out of me too. It is one of the biggest energy vampires out there. It cost me loss of respect of self and of others. Loss of relationships (unnecessary pain and loss). It is just loss, loss and more loss. Alcohol is one big black hole of destruction. Eh remind me again what does it give me? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I'm sorry but I don't see the pay-off!!!!! Time for me to WAKE UP SO!!!! (this relationship is over, it's all take, take...)
The idea of writing this is to remind me and help me stay on the path that I wish to stay on. I hope to read it and watch the weeks, months and years of sobriety and happy living go by and be able to look back at the date and be glad I made the right decision finally. I know that life is not always a bed of roses and there will always be difficult and sorrowful events, but I wish to be the man who confronts these events with my own strenght of character and personality (and not one who runs or hides or needs the help of a chemical). I want to be the man that I know I am capable of being. I want to be the man that others can always rely on and turn to. And I can be, once free from that malignant poison!!
"The essence of greatness is the ability to choose personal fulfillment in circumstances where others choose madness" Dyer
What is different about this time? I feel I can't take anymore. I can't take anymore (unnecassery) incidents. I can no longer take these emotions and what they are throwing at me. Black thoughts. Horrible feeling of loneliness and isolation. Terrible guilt and regret. I feel ready to throw myself off a cliff. I'm plagued by thoughts of suicide (unwanted thoughts). This for me is the limit. It is time to get off this ride to no-where. And live. I know I have a choice. I can roll over and die or I can work on making my life positive and happy again. Thankfully I have had periods of sobriety and I know that I was happy in those periods. It just takes a bit of patience, time and positive life affirming choices to "get into it".
Alcohol is my enemy. When I drink the next day I am depressed and incapable of doing anything constructive. Then those black thoughts arrive: dwelling on the past, accute stabbing loneliness, anxiety, fear, panic and a complete loss of confidence. How to feel a little "normal"? Sure a couple of drinks to take the edge off. When I drink I am careless with my possessions and my health. I would take any drug when I am drunk, yet when I am sober you could not pay me to take a drug. When I am sober/normal I am fitness and I am health. A complete contradiction. A complete personality change. An alcoholic if you will. My judgement and common sense go out the window. Basically alcohol changes me drastically and renders me into an absolutely careless idiot. It's a metamorphous on a catastrophic level. Leave it in the bottle. I don't need it.
Honestly, when I am sober my life is flowing along nicely and I have peace of mind and a nice general sense of wellbeing. My goals are on track, I have time, money and energy. When I am not drinking I am an early riser and I exercise and eat well, which adds to the sense of wellbeing. When I drink everthing gets turned upside down and my life turns into a nightmare; a living nightmare and I only want one thing: to die.
It's the moment right now that the choice is made for good. It's the moment to choose sobriety. It's the moment to choose a teetotal life. I'm choosing my destiny right now: a life of peace of mind and clarity, of health and strenght, a life of positivity and energy, of joy and love, a life of money and work, of security, loyalty and trust, a life of self-control, self-discipline and most importantly of self-respect. A life of independance and of pure freedom.
Judge all things by what they cost you : Well what does alcohol give me? Absolutely nothing. (I could say an escape, a buzz, social life...but I would either be lying or clutching at straws.) It gives me nothing, there is no benefit to it that I can honestly see. I run to it if I can't handle a problem, but it does not help. It makes the problem worse. It's fool's gold. The emperor's clothing. I've been had. I've been lied to and cheated.
What does it cost me? A mountain. Time and more time. Money and more money with loss and/or destruction of possessions, loss of earnings, paying for the incidents, not to mention pissing my money away for nothing. It sucks the energy out of me too. It is one of the biggest energy vampires out there. It cost me loss of respect of self and of others. Loss of relationships (unnecessary pain and loss). It is just loss, loss and more loss. Alcohol is one big black hole of destruction. Eh remind me again what does it give me? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I'm sorry but I don't see the pay-off!!!!! Time for me to WAKE UP SO!!!! (this relationship is over, it's all take, take...)
The idea of writing this is to remind me and help me stay on the path that I wish to stay on. I hope to read it and watch the weeks, months and years of sobriety and happy living go by and be able to look back at the date and be glad I made the right decision finally. I know that life is not always a bed of roses and there will always be difficult and sorrowful events, but I wish to be the man who confronts these events with my own strenght of character and personality (and not one who runs or hides or needs the help of a chemical). I want to be the man that I know I am capable of being. I want to be the man that others can always rely on and turn to. And I can be, once free from that malignant poison!!
"The essence of greatness is the ability to choose personal fulfillment in circumstances where others choose madness" Dyer
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Rural Colorado
Posts: 376
Fantastic post. I can relate very well to your life and well being with and without alcohol. I am like two completely different people when drinking vs. when sober. It was very helpful to me to read this.
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