Looking for Support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 11
Looking for Support
Hello,
I am the father of 3 children and the Stepfather of 4 others. When I met my wife she seemed to be a responsible drinker and there were some nights she didn't drink at all. Even when we got married it wasn't real concerning to me.
Her drinking has developed into a big problem now. She is drinking a minimum of 2 bottles of wine per night. I don't drink at all and end up driving all the kids to their activities in the evening while she drinks. She starts at about 5:00 in the evening and she is completely wasted by 7:30. When she drinks she gets real belligerent and takes everything the kids say and do as a personal offense to her.
When she gets up in the morning she usually does not have a full recollection of the previous night. When I call her on it she gets real defensive and tells me that I am just beating her up about it. Then she gets depressed and says she will quit but never does.
I have reached the realization that I am going to have to take my kids and leave but it breaks my heart to think of leaving the other kids because I am the only father they have and they don't really remember their life without me being in it. I also love my wife very much and I understand that she is a slave to her addiction. I worry about leaving them all but I feel like she has to reach a point where she will want to quit and I think that I will always be in the way of that.
On top of all of this my mother is dying. It is all getting to be too much to handle.
I am the father of 3 children and the Stepfather of 4 others. When I met my wife she seemed to be a responsible drinker and there were some nights she didn't drink at all. Even when we got married it wasn't real concerning to me.
Her drinking has developed into a big problem now. She is drinking a minimum of 2 bottles of wine per night. I don't drink at all and end up driving all the kids to their activities in the evening while she drinks. She starts at about 5:00 in the evening and she is completely wasted by 7:30. When she drinks she gets real belligerent and takes everything the kids say and do as a personal offense to her.
When she gets up in the morning she usually does not have a full recollection of the previous night. When I call her on it she gets real defensive and tells me that I am just beating her up about it. Then she gets depressed and says she will quit but never does.
I have reached the realization that I am going to have to take my kids and leave but it breaks my heart to think of leaving the other kids because I am the only father they have and they don't really remember their life without me being in it. I also love my wife very much and I understand that she is a slave to her addiction. I worry about leaving them all but I feel like she has to reach a point where she will want to quit and I think that I will always be in the way of that.
On top of all of this my mother is dying. It is all getting to be too much to handle.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Welcome to SR.
That's a lot on your plate! Sorry to read about your tough times. There is a family and friends section of the forum where you might get more information and support. Check it out.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
That's a lot on your plate! Sorry to read about your tough times. There is a family and friends section of the forum where you might get more information and support. Check it out.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 339
Sorry to hear about what you are going through lav. I almost lost everything as an active alcoholic, wife, family, job, you name it. The sad thing is that most of us don't get better until WE want to. No one can talk us into it. I knew that saving my family was part of why I wanted to get sober but I had to do it for me. My wife was in your shoes and looking to leave. She tried everything. In the end you have to take care of yourself and your family and hope she gets the help she needs. You can't fix her. When she reaches out with honesty be supportive.
I wish you luck. I don't know exactly how it feels to be on the "other side" of addiction but I know it is not easy, especially when it is someone you love.
I wish you luck. I don't know exactly how it feels to be on the "other side" of addiction but I know it is not easy, especially when it is someone you love.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
has she ever expressed any remorse or desire to stop? Maybe in her weary, hungover state after a particularly big night? If so, you might have some success waiting for another of those moments.... an opportunity when she is feeling beaten down by her own addiction and the real "her" is able to peek out of the haze of alcohol. That can be a very good time to try and open a productive discussion.
You might also look into Al anon, AA or ACA in your area - to get yourself some support and to learn more about alcoholism so that you are as equipped to try and play a productive role in helping her recover when there is a chance to do so.
If you have not done so, I'd highly recommend reading the Big Book. It is a great educational tome on Alcoholism and what has worked to help millions choose sobriety. There is a lot in there about family as well and may give you some tremendous insight into how you might approach your wife effectively, or look to others to assist.
You can get a copy of the big book at any AA meeting, or read it online here; Big Book Online Fourth Edition Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
I feel for you, for your wife too... for your children.... and I wish you strength and support and her - a ray of herself to shine through and see what's happening to her, sooner than later.
You might also look into Al anon, AA or ACA in your area - to get yourself some support and to learn more about alcoholism so that you are as equipped to try and play a productive role in helping her recover when there is a chance to do so.
If you have not done so, I'd highly recommend reading the Big Book. It is a great educational tome on Alcoholism and what has worked to help millions choose sobriety. There is a lot in there about family as well and may give you some tremendous insight into how you might approach your wife effectively, or look to others to assist.
You can get a copy of the big book at any AA meeting, or read it online here; Big Book Online Fourth Edition Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
I feel for you, for your wife too... for your children.... and I wish you strength and support and her - a ray of herself to shine through and see what's happening to her, sooner than later.
Last edited by Dee74; 01-28-2014 at 02:41 PM. Reason: disclaimer
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
Welcome to SR Lav 
I'm sorry for what must be a very difficult situation and some difficult choices you're facing.
I'm glad you've found us tho - I know you'll find support not only in this thread but in your other thread in F and F as well.
I'm sorry for what must be a very difficult situation and some difficult choices you're facing.
I'm glad you've found us tho - I know you'll find support not only in this thread but in your other thread in F and F as well.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
Can you not request custody of the step kids? For their own well being? If she's drinking two bottles of wine a night and getting agitated with them her parenting skills aren't too good right now. The kids deserve better than a drunken angry mother.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
I'm so glad you found us lav. My heart goes out to you for all that's going on in your life. I know the Friends & Family forum will be a big help. Everyone understands what you're going through. I hope it eases your anxiety a bit to know you are not alone.
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