FireSprite

I spend the first 15 mins of my morning thinking of my gratitude list & each day I try to come a bit more "out of the box" with my thinking.

If there is one thing my own recovery has shown me is that we aren't the only ones dealing with High Functioning Dysfunction in this world. The more I learn, the more I recognize the patterns & red flags around me... even with those that have zero issues with alcoholism or addiction of any any kind.

For example - I work in a small office, with a wife & husband. They have no addiction issues in their family but they have the most unbelievably dysfunctional way of interacting on a daily basis, with almost every single exchange, whether it is work or personal they are discussing. (I'm sure if I went digging these "normies" would turn out a skeleton or 2 from the family closet, but, hey, REALLY not my monkey... they present as "normies")

Their tone, disrespect, attitude, body language, passive-aggressivity, manipulation, horrible communication, etc. that they toss around is mind-boggling. Her resentments are HUGE based on the very few discussions we've had about it. Their relationships with their kids is *at best* judgemental & full of failed expectations. When the tone starts in their discussions here at the office I am great at just
but it gets uncomfortable, no doubt.


And while they can sit back & judge us as "less than" themselves, because they don't carry these labels of "Alcoholic" or "Recovering" or "Codependent" or whatever, the truth is that in a strange way the labels set us free. Free to get healthy, free to stay or go, free to be open & honest & work on building bridges instead of walls.

They may never get healthy, because they don't think they have anything making them "sick"; Awareness is very far away for them.... whereas every day I grow, get healthier & HAPPIER despite my "labels". What a strange thing to have gratitude for today, eh?

Hammer

yep. yep. yep.

Sitting in parking lot at school yesterday morning -- dropping off Daughter. Some days she just likes to sit and chat until she has to go in. So we sit and chat. And watch the kids go in.

"Dad, ALL these kids have problems." (she has studied them all -- she is like the 6th Grade Social Worker). Even the 'popular' ones."

I am JUST SO WAITING for her to glue it all together -- that problems are a NORMAL part of life. And that she is just kind of NORMAL in that, too. Then she can be at peace with all this. She really wants to be "normal."

EVERYBODY, Firesprite -- EVERYBODY -- "All these kids" Have Problems.

All just sort of "normal."

lillamy

Thank you for that. I think I needed to hear that especially today because I've spent about 12 hours straight crying about how f***ed up my kids' lives are. My best friend actually just said to me the other day that in a way, he wishes his dad had been an alcoholic, because then there would have been like a tangible explanation for why his dad was abusive and mean -- as it was, he was just abusive and mean, and in a way that nobody outside the family ever knew about.

Everyone has problems and everyone's in pain. And recognizing that IS good.

As long as it doesn't make us think "since everyone has problems, I might as well stay in my ****** situation because if I fix this, there will just be other problems." But who would think like that? That would be crazy. Right?

CarryOn

Thanks FS....and totally agree.

I've said to others that I'm thankful for the tools & resources available to us to address the issues of living with alcoholism. Everyone has trials & tribulations in their lives, and the way we choose to respond to those is what really helps us define who we are. I often find myself speaking to others about the tenets of AlAnon (without actually referencing it by name) to others when we discuss various situations (helping others address problems is a big part of my job, go figure). That's the point of AlAnon, right? We can apply these tools to all situations...so could others if they know they are available.

readerbaby71

great post, firesprite. My boss is very negative and can be toxic at times. It gets old.

honeypig

Firesprite, I've had the same thought--if not for issues w/my A, I'd be doing the same things and thinking the same way I had been all along. Would I prefer to have gotten to a better place thru some other, less painful method? Hell yes. But that's not the way it went...

For one reason or another, we've been fortunate enough (even tho it doesn't feel like it!) to have gotten that wake-up call. And every once in a while, we actually realize that and are grateful for it.

Thanks for the post.

Seren

It's amazing....as we learn to deal with the alcoholics in our lives, we learn to recognize problems in other areas of our lives--and apply what we've learned! Great stuff

wolfpackfan45

Yep! I'm a schoolteacher, and I see so much dysfunction in many of the families of my students. I'm privy to a lot of confidential information that would shock many people. There are so many families out there that are living in dysfunctional situations. People you would never think. There are many more alcoholics and drug addicts than you think, but there are also a lot of other issues going on with people. Some really crazy stuff. I've had parents who are still married and together come in for conferences who talk to each other like animals in front of me. Some have even argued in front of me. Some have told me things I'd rather not hear. I've heard them say things to their children that are horrible , and I have some who talk as if they care less about their kids. And as far as i know these people aren't dealing with addiction issues. They're dealing with resentment, greed, hatred, selfishness, etc. There are so many broken homes and so many blended families who are struggling. I've dealt with so many parents who are never satisfied with their child or anything they try to do . They're never satisfied with the schools, their job, their paycheck, etc. It's so sad. They're the people who will never be happy or content. I'm so thankful that I'm learning each and every day about how to be more peaceful and less worried. How to be kinder and happier. How to be healthier mentally. Less anxious. I'm thankful. I may have a son who is a recovering alcoholic. It's not what I wanted for him, but our family has learned some valuable lessons on this journey with him. Lessons about what matters and lessons about how to treat each other. Lessons about hope, faith, and what's really important. And for that, I'm thankful. I truly am.

marie1960

Yep, yep, yep, love this post Firesprite.

I believe I have discovered an awareness, that I never possessed before the XA.

But with this new found awareness, I seem to have started labeling people. ( and I don't want to be a labeler)

I really try to live and let live, but sometimes....

Work is work, I am self employed, therefore I must smile and act like I actually care. ( after 25 years, some of the nonsense has worn me thin)

BUT

I have become very selective in who I want to spend my free time with , or where we go.

About 3 of 4 sentences into a conversation with someone I am meeting for the first time in a social setting , the wheels start turning in my head, and lately all my little voice seems to be saying, asshat, asshat, asshat.

I cannot stand to be in the presence of people who can not handle their alcohol. I do not want to hear their LOUD, not so funny azz go on and on about nothing, I can always tell who is going to turn into the wet noodle, fall down drunk.

I find myself being sucked into their drama, instead of enjoying myself with the group I am with, my little voice keeps saying WTF, WTH, WTF .

I find myself going out less, and less, I just don't want to see it or hear it, or maybe I'm just getting old.

NWGRITS

Mother is an A, Mr. Grits' father is an abusive a-hole. We have a lot of the same traits. I'm good with my family crap because I just quit having anything to do with it, but the outside world... Man, I know some people dealing with some ish that makes my family look like the Waltons.

LifeRecovery

Recovery for me has helped with two things:

I don't feel like there is a "normie" in the world....we ALL have our own stuff.

I am GRATEFUL that my stuff made me so uncomfortable that it forced me to get help. I am far from perfect, but I am better then I would ever be without a strong recovery.

Florence

When all of this started going down, my sister told me, "Florence, everyone has problems. EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS. It's what you do about them that says something about you." I was worried what people would think if they found out I was in an abusive alcoholic marriage. You all told me, "What other people think about you is none of your business." As a child of a narcissist, this was revolutionary. It turns out the general public doesn't think much about it at all. Those that do are mostly worried about me and curious about what "abusive alcoholic marriage" actually means. I'm not ashamed to talk about it, and I'm glad for the opportunity to process this piece of me and share it with others.

The things I've learned here helped me see my family in a new way. It has both broken my heart and given me the tools I need to manage my reactions to their drama and to manage my time with them so I can enjoy what I can and deal with what I can't.

I feel like I've grown up around all this drama and dysfunction, and for the first time, while I may be surrounded by it, I am also singular and separate from it. I keep shifting the plates. The truth is that nobody REALLY cares about how I run my life except me -- and my kids who are affected by my choices but also need the freedom and space to explore their own worlds. So why worry about the general unwashed public, you know?

healthyagain

A few weeks ago, I concluded that families can be narcissist too, and such families do not see their dysfunction. They usually mean something in the community, no matter how small is that community, and if something bad happens, that is quickly swept under the carpet, because, oh, we are such a perfect family, we are the best, we are like a little clan, and it really really matters what others think of us. And when you are an outsider, you simply cannot help to see things and wonder. But it is easy to see other people's dirt. The tricky part is to become aware of your own . . . to acknowledge it and embrace it in a way, and forgive yourself. I can see now that my relationship with an AH is nothing but a product of my own family dysfunction. And it is not that I did not tell my family that we needed help (outside, professional), that we were falling apart. Did they listen?

hopeful4

Admitting is a big step. For me it took a very long time. I thought I had already done so, but a couple years later I really came out of the dark. I will admit to anyone that my family struggles with alot of things, that I have anxiety and codependency issues and that my AH is an A. When I truly quit hiding this secret and began to openly admit and quit pretening my little family is perfect was the biggest relief of my life. It also gave me much needed support and honesty with those around me I had been hiding it from.

I no longer feel embarassment at the situation. I feel like it is what it is, and I am working on it. Sometimes I look at other families and wish that mine would be the same, because they appear so perfect. Then I remember that they are human beings and I am sure they have their own issues also.

Thanks for the thought provoking post!

FireSprite

I've been thinking about "labels" a lot lately - between therapy & posts here in the forum & DD growing through ever-changing stages/labels, the topic has come up over & over. Hell - we watched the Breakfast Club again last week & I think the entire theme of that movie revolves around being mislabeled, lol.

I went back searching for this thread to touch point with my previous thoughts on the subject & find that I pretty well feel the exact same way today:

I think the part that people miss is that labels are almost never permanent. They are ever-changing, not static at all. We can get stuck due to inertia, we can choose to Identify with our Label & cling to it tightly if we want - or we can work on shedding it & moving on to a new label entirely.

Embracing my "label" sets me free & gives me a smidgen of control over re-labeling myself to my liking. My label is just my starting point, a place to catch my breath & really size up the emotional mountain I'm about to climb. It helps me locate the right resources (books, websites, etc.) to help me achieve that goal; it's like a secret decoder ring that helps me crack the code I've been beating my head against ignorantly.

Plus - like was mentioned upthread - we all identify with positive labels on a regular basis without batting an eyelash most of the time - mother, employee, team member, redhead. We seem to more easily accept those labels as only partially representing who we are - but the minute we hear negative labels - Addict/ Codependent - we cease to recognize it only part of our Whole & suddenly it's "all or nothing". Don't label me "like that" - that doesn't represent all of who I am! Of course it doesn't - what label does??

Me too - I'd even go so far as to say that just acknowledging the truths internally alone was a huge, important step. No longer lying to myself was the healthiest thing I could do regardless of whether I was ready to share it with others yet. Otherwise I was still just swimming in denial. Even in this part of recovery, I needed to take baby steps to get myself healthier.

Anyway - updating my thoughts for *me* because I go back & read my old threads A LOT!

Ladybird579

I come from a very dysfunctional family were alcohol never featured. My father was abusive and used to beat me. He was emotionally abusive and put me down all the time. My mother was under his thumb and deferred to him over everything. I am almost impressed how well my own kids turned out given the level of dysfunction I thought I had with exah and myself. I think tho despite it all they were never treated badly, I always put them first and they were never abused. Hell I was even allowed to adopt one!

NYCDoglvr

What recovery has done has enabled me to stop inviting dysfunctional people into my life. Yes, there are certainly a lot of screwed up people acting out but I don't have to be one of them. Ok, this is with 26 years of recovery but I can barely recognize the person I used to be. Thank God for the tools!

MCESaint

I believe that ANY psychologist, LCSW, etc. can find "trauma" or "abuse" in EVERY childhood situation.

My father was a WWII vet (fought in the Pacific theater). Upon returning from the war he married my mother (whom he'd known in HS before shipping out).

That had a gaggle of children. Dad worked, mom stayed at home.

And then, Mom developed Multiple Sclerosis (MS) - the progressive kind. From walker to wheelchair pretty quickly. And then a few years later mom had a stroke that left her completely paralyzed on the entire left side of her body from head to toe. All of this in their mid/late 40s - while some of kids were still in early elementary school (others in HS).

Dad worked during the day and hired a caregiver to look after mom. Meals were cooked (by the caregiver). When Dad came home it was his turn to take care of mom. She needed a bath, dad gave it to her. She had a bowel movement, dad cleaned it up. Urine bag full? Dad changed it. In and out of the wheel chair. In and out of the car. Built a wheelchair ramp for the house. On and on - this would have been in the 1970s in the Midwest and . . . there wasn't all these handicap access laws or facilities. Handicapped people were "out of sight out of mind." The priest came to OUR house to give her communion because taking her to/from Church was a real hassle.

To the best of my recollection Dad never hit me (or my siblings) - he'd raise his voice occasionally, but mostly it was "for cryin' out loud" or "for cryin' in the bucket" (never really understood that one).

So . . . where's the "abuse" right?? Where's the trauma??

It still seems silly for me to say it . . . but its the "absentee" parent. With all that going on, Dad (and Mom) had very little time for us kids.

Oh sure, we had a roof over our heads, food on our plate, school work was expected to be done, etc. but a lot of the little stuff was missing.

If we played sports, we did so because our neighbors had kids on the team and could get us to practice or the games (or we rode our bikes if the game was at a park nearby). I can recall them only once attending one of my baseball games and never attending any soccer games.

Even though my parents were always home, they were often never "there" -- sort of absent parenting.

My "model" for parenting?? You take care of your spouse no matter how sick they are . . . for better or worse right??

You could do a whole lot worse for a role model than my dad, right??

But you see where this is going, right??

So, the point here is this: The trauma or the abuse inflicted by a parent on a child doesn't have to be INTENTIONAL (by the "abuser") - it can come out of even the best intentioned people in the world.

MCESaint

CarryOn

bump

Sailorgirl57

Being hurt and stuck in an alcoholic relationship I guess took me to “hitting bottom.” For the first time I started to ask questions.

Why did I stay married to an emotionally abusive control freak for 25 years? Why did I leave him only to get involved with one alcoholic after another? Why do I walk into a room of my peers at work and think “I dont fit in,” despite a resume that says I do? Why am I always surprised when somebody compliments me?

This all sent me in search of answers. Now, with the help of Alanon, SR, counseling, and a huge amount of self work, I am finding answers to these questions.

In the middle of all this, my father was sent to Federal prison for having the largest collection of child pornography in his state. Um, yeah. That answer fell into my lap.

I have grown so much in the past year. I am healing from childhood trauma. I am learning to love myself. I am single now and it feels good.

If I hadn’t hit my rock bottom of ABF3 I would not be here.

This sounds cheesy but I feel love and gratitude for every single one of you. You are brave, intelligent, loving people with a shared goal of helping one another move toward a more light-filled existence.

Love and hugs from Sailor ⚓️