stewardess

I'm new,and this is my first post...

stewardess

My boyfriend just decided to go to rehab the other day. I should say he decided the other day to go to rehab...But doesn't want to start for 3 weeks. Out of nowhere he started to say the meanest things and turned on me...He went from wanting to marry me to breaking up. I had said I would stand by and support him through his recovery, but that makes him angry. Now he doesn't answer my texts even to say if he's ok or not. I know it's not about me- but he was so sick, and I don't even have a way of seeing if he is alive or not. It upsets him when I try to communicate, but I can't just stop caring about his welfare. Such a hard place to be.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Stewardess - that sounds rough - and kinda weird.
Did you argue about him going to rehab at all?

In any case, you'll find support understanding and help here

D

stewardess

And I guess I can post this here, since it seems to be ultra confidential- He's a pilot for a major airline, and wants to fly 2 more 6 day trips. This is because when he does finally tell the EAP at our company he's going to rehab, he loses his license for 12-18 months. Lots of pilots come back, but he's still afraid he might not, and wants to fly what might be his last trip, which is in 2 weeks. Meanwhile he stopped drinking cold turkey and when we last spoke was having DTs. He had a medical emergency onboard Christmas Day, and from what he describes, he was pretty ill, and it was from withdrawal because he stops drinking to fly.I expressed my concern that he wants to fly in that state again...and I'm pretty sure that's why he has cut me out of his life.

Dee74

Yeah that fills it in a little more.

Your BF may well find events will be out of his hands if he's taken ill or otherwise unable to fly again.

I'm sorry it's all so complicated...it doesn't sound really in your favour at all.
As painful as it is, it might be best to consider moving on?

I know you'll find some great advice and support here tho, stewardess.

D

stewardess

Thanks for answering- it feels kind of lonely here at 4am...I didn't argue at all about going to rehab-I've been encouraging it all along, and stopped for a while a couple of weeks ago to let him decide on his own. He went on a trip to Brussels with me and I even gave him drinks on the plane- (because we had a huge argument when he thought I was "nagging" him about drinking like his ex wife used to)-I said he would stop when he is ready and on his own terms. From what he says, he has tried to stop for years and never could. It ruined his marriage and family life (he has six grown kids). Since I've known him, he stops for flights, but always buys a bottle of vodka from duty free for his layover. He never really appears drunk, but I can tell from the way he talks when he's been drinking. I said I couldn't marry him until he is better.
I did argue about the abruptness with which he broke up with me. We have been arguing more lately- always when he's been drinking...He said he doesn't want a relationship now while he is going through quitting, and I am selfish because I want to communicate with him. I know his kids and ex wife (she's a nurse) are helping him, so I know he's not alone...but I am worried that I haven't heard from him. I hope it's because he's already in rehab, but don't know. He said he couldn't keep food down and was shaking the other day- and I haven't heard from him in two days.
BTW, he had told me that alcohol had ruined his marriage of almost 30 years, so I had encouraged him to try to reconcile his family when he is better. Hard for me to say, but I think that's what God would want and it would be for the best because he has remorse about it. I don't know how I could have been more supportive, but now I am the bad guy- the unwelcome ex girlfriend who is bugging him and doesn't get any answers about if he is ok (like surviving) or not. How did I get to be the enemy?

Dee74

I think, from my experience, there were always three parties in my relationships - me, my girlfriend at the time, and alcohol.

When I felt my access to alcohol was threatened I turned on the only other person I could, outside of myself.

It's not logical, and I'm not proud of it even 20 years later - but it's something a lot of us did - blaming everyone else but ourselves.

D

SnoozyQ

Hiya stewardess
Glad you joined us ;-)

I found I was awake every single night at 3 and 4 am in my first couple of months .

There are sooooo many things to read on this site , it's amazing.

It took away my fears and loneliness cos there is ALWAYS someone to talk to anytime , day or night.

Thousands of threads to read

Your days of being lonely are over .

We are al here for you Hun xx

sugarbear1

Have you considered Al Anon?

stewardess

Thank you so much! It's nice to have some support. I can't really turn to my friends and family- I've just told them the minimum, and they would think I'm crazy to investing any time in emoting about this situation. My very good friend lost her husband last June to esophageal varices due to alcoholism. Although she is such a good friend and listener, my little saga pales in comparison to what she's gone through so I can't really bend her ear too much about it. Who sent the song...that was nice, too.
And I did think about Al Anon...I'm familiar, because my brother is an alcoholic (sober for 20+ years)...but I'm not really in this relationship at this time, probably moving on, but still in limbo...so I don't know....

Goldcoastgirl

Hi stewardess, welcome to a very supportive group of people. I am sorry to hear how difficult things have been for you. It's awful being rejected by someone you care about so much, and even though your partner needs to think of his own sobriety it was not necessary to treat you so cruelly. It is time now for you to be a bit selfish and put your own health and well being first. You have a wonderful life still in front of you, and you are very brave to get help x

least

There's not much you can do unless/until he wants recovery for himself. He'll either choose it or it will be forced on him.

I hope you can find support both here and in real life.

stewardess

So it's been a few days...and I'm back...I didn't have the strength to write it until now. I got a call the night after my original post from Randy's ex wife. He hadn't written me because he almost died and is in ICU now. She stopped by his (their old) house and found him gray and having trouble breathing. She is a nurse and took him to the ER. They said he would have been dead in 2 hours if she hadn't found him. He had kidney failure, pneumonia,he was septic, and has cirrhosis (he had known that, but lied to me that he didn't) He has now been on a respirator and sedated for 3 days.
She also said that they weren't divorced. He has been lying to me about that.They have been married for 35 years. The papers are signed, but never submitted. She also said he has been cheating on me- another girl has been trying to text him too- she saw his phone.We talked for 3 hours. He has been verbally and physically abusive with her for at least 10 years. He threatened her if she were to tell me the truth. He is also a sex addict, and has done psychologically hurtful things to her over the years...I encouraged her to join this site, and told her how wonderfully supported everyone here is. She has kept me informed about his health every day. If he does survive, he will go to Betty Ford Clinic for 90 days. I care about his survival. I am so mad at him for lying and cheating. I can't believe he listened so empathetically about my abusive marriage, and then my dating a guy who cheated because he was a sex addict...And he was all that and doing all that behind my back. I feel so brokenhearted and crestfallen. And to think we were talking about marriage just two weeks ago! How can you be mad at someone who may be dying? How can you ever trust again? And his poor wife is sad for me! What she has been through for 35 years! She is such a good Christian woman...I know she hopes in her heart that he will get better and they can put their family (they have 6 grown kids) back together. I pray for that too. I want him to live, and be in his right mind and realize what a monster he's been and spend the rest of his life making it up to her and their children.

feeling-good

Oh my... I wish there was something I could say to help, but I really don't have anything... here holding your hand

stewardess

Thank you...there really is nothing to say- it's sad to see someone ruin their life, even if you're one of the people he hurt on the way down. I feel really bad for his wife. I hope he recognizes that she is sitting there by his side day after day, even though he has ridiculed and humiliated beyond belief. The mother of his 6 kids...although he always said to me that she was an awesome woman- why could he never bring himself to say it to her? Why did he alternate between saying I was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to him and that I was a failure? I guess you can never get into the head of irrationality.