Feeling so lost...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 109
Feeling so lost...
Long story short. My bf and I have been together for almost 2 1/2 years. His drinking (nightly) has always been an issue for me. It's the only thing we have ever been at odds about. I've tried so many ways to be ok with it... rationalizing that his drinking has never led to anger, disrespect, embarrassment (his or mine), job loss, dui's, broken plans, broken friendships, etc. He truly is one of the nicest, most thoughtful, hard-working, generous and genuine men you could ever meet.
He can get through an entire day, even a really crappy/stressful one, without a drink. But every night around 10pm, regardless of whether his day was fantastic or a pile of sh*t hit the fan, he pours a drink. He says he enjoys it; it helps him relax. I get that. What bothers me is the amount. 10-12oz. of hard liquor, sometimes a little less, sometimes a little more... every night.
For a while now, I've felt stuck. I know in my heart that I cannot move forward with this relationship, no matter how much I love him. I have a relentless nagging in the pit of my stomach that it would be a mistake... that this is going to get worse.
So, tonight, I summoned up all the courage I had in me and I told him how I felt - that I'll never be ok with him drinking every night. Since this has come up before, I knew that being so honest would very likely mean the end of our relationship, but I had to take that risk. I want to move forward with him, but I can't. I won't. And I don't want to be stuck anymore.
I poured my heart out, cried a little, and said goodnight. He said goodnight, and nothing more. I got out of his truck and walked inside. He drove away.
My first thought when I got inside was "What the hell did I just do?!?!"... but I know in my heart that I had to do it. I know he probably feels totally blindsided - the past few months have been some of the best we've had - and I am overwhelmed with guilt. Now I just feel so lost.
He can get through an entire day, even a really crappy/stressful one, without a drink. But every night around 10pm, regardless of whether his day was fantastic or a pile of sh*t hit the fan, he pours a drink. He says he enjoys it; it helps him relax. I get that. What bothers me is the amount. 10-12oz. of hard liquor, sometimes a little less, sometimes a little more... every night.
For a while now, I've felt stuck. I know in my heart that I cannot move forward with this relationship, no matter how much I love him. I have a relentless nagging in the pit of my stomach that it would be a mistake... that this is going to get worse.
So, tonight, I summoned up all the courage I had in me and I told him how I felt - that I'll never be ok with him drinking every night. Since this has come up before, I knew that being so honest would very likely mean the end of our relationship, but I had to take that risk. I want to move forward with him, but I can't. I won't. And I don't want to be stuck anymore.
I poured my heart out, cried a little, and said goodnight. He said goodnight, and nothing more. I got out of his truck and walked inside. He drove away.
My first thought when I got inside was "What the hell did I just do?!?!"... but I know in my heart that I had to do it. I know he probably feels totally blindsided - the past few months have been some of the best we've had - and I am overwhelmed with guilt. Now I just feel so lost.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Overwhelming guilt when asking someone to stop a destructive behavior is not justifiable guilt. Guilt is authentic when we have done something wrong. You did not do anything wrong.
12 ounces of hard liquor every night is destructive to your relationship, for it certainly makes him high and any connection thereafter is not genuine; it is destructive to his health which affects how you see your future with him; it is destructive to the trust between you because there is no one who will trust a person who has just downed 12 ounces of whiskey to make good decisions for the next 12-24 hours. He becomes immediately untrustworthy the minute the alcohol crosses the blood brain barrier and gets him high.
Your fear of his response, however, is justified. Maybe something in your childhood history has given you this knowledge, but the fact is that if a person is alcoholic, he will resent anyone who questions his relationship with alcohol, who addresses what appears to be his dependency on alcohol. When alcoholics resent, they distance.
The almost certain response in the person who has just been shut out by the alcoholic is she will feel intense fear, guilt, regret, and desperation to soothe the drinker's negative mood and emotions. This is a universal pattern in alcoholic relationships.
What happens next is there is making up, backing off the subject, the relationship continues, the alcohol problem does not go away (though it may seem so, for many alcoholics become quite expert at hiding their drinking) and then someday everything culminates into a terrible crisis related to drinking. The DUI happens (this is not that common), the liver spots start to appear (this is), but more common is the disturbing change in the drinker's personality, as he becomes more and more affected by withdrawal (this is very apparent in the morning, after sleep has lowered the blood alcohol level, and the alcoholic awakens in a very dark mood, often has the shakes, and whether you know it or not, will have a drink to get his day started, bringing the blood alcohol level back up to where he needs it to be in order to function).
What happens after tonight will tell you a lot about your partner's relationship with alcohol. Social drinkers have no problem giving the stuff up. They may complain about feeling controlled by their spouse's discomfort with drinking, but they will not walk away from someone they love because he or she has asked them not to drink or not to drink to excess.
Alcoholics, on the other hand, will manipulate, guilt, blame-shift, and justify....many will threaten to leave, then will come back, and their partner, who has been in a fetal position crying all night because the drinker dumped her, will be so relieved and grateful he is back that she will accept him on any terms. They will make up, ride a pink cloud for several days or weeks, then he will change. If he is alcoholic, he will change, he will distance, he will criticize, and he will most definitely resume drinking to excess.
Pick up the book "Getting Them Sober, Volume 1" by Toby Rice Drews. Memorize it. If your life starts to mirror the descriptions in the book, start attending Al-Anon, because you will most surely need some outside help.
Good luck. We are glad you found the forum.
12 ounces of hard liquor every night is destructive to your relationship, for it certainly makes him high and any connection thereafter is not genuine; it is destructive to his health which affects how you see your future with him; it is destructive to the trust between you because there is no one who will trust a person who has just downed 12 ounces of whiskey to make good decisions for the next 12-24 hours. He becomes immediately untrustworthy the minute the alcohol crosses the blood brain barrier and gets him high.
Your fear of his response, however, is justified. Maybe something in your childhood history has given you this knowledge, but the fact is that if a person is alcoholic, he will resent anyone who questions his relationship with alcohol, who addresses what appears to be his dependency on alcohol. When alcoholics resent, they distance.
The almost certain response in the person who has just been shut out by the alcoholic is she will feel intense fear, guilt, regret, and desperation to soothe the drinker's negative mood and emotions. This is a universal pattern in alcoholic relationships.
What happens next is there is making up, backing off the subject, the relationship continues, the alcohol problem does not go away (though it may seem so, for many alcoholics become quite expert at hiding their drinking) and then someday everything culminates into a terrible crisis related to drinking. The DUI happens (this is not that common), the liver spots start to appear (this is), but more common is the disturbing change in the drinker's personality, as he becomes more and more affected by withdrawal (this is very apparent in the morning, after sleep has lowered the blood alcohol level, and the alcoholic awakens in a very dark mood, often has the shakes, and whether you know it or not, will have a drink to get his day started, bringing the blood alcohol level back up to where he needs it to be in order to function).
What happens after tonight will tell you a lot about your partner's relationship with alcohol. Social drinkers have no problem giving the stuff up. They may complain about feeling controlled by their spouse's discomfort with drinking, but they will not walk away from someone they love because he or she has asked them not to drink or not to drink to excess.
Alcoholics, on the other hand, will manipulate, guilt, blame-shift, and justify....many will threaten to leave, then will come back, and their partner, who has been in a fetal position crying all night because the drinker dumped her, will be so relieved and grateful he is back that she will accept him on any terms. They will make up, ride a pink cloud for several days or weeks, then he will change. If he is alcoholic, he will change, he will distance, he will criticize, and he will most definitely resume drinking to excess.
Pick up the book "Getting Them Sober, Volume 1" by Toby Rice Drews. Memorize it. If your life starts to mirror the descriptions in the book, start attending Al-Anon, because you will most surely need some outside help.
Good luck. We are glad you found the forum.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by BrokenInPieces 
I have a relentless nagging in the pit of my stomach that it would be a mistake... that this is going to get worse.
You followed your gut and did what it told you to. Not an easy thing to do at all, and you should be proud of yourself. Big hugs to you!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello BrokenInPieces, Welcome to SR!
This, I think, bears repeating:
I think we all understand the pain and guilt associated with any breakup, but what you did--you did for your own good in the long run. Please take good care of yourself! Come back here and vent any time 
This, I think, bears repeating:
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
Overwhelming guilt when asking someone to stop a destructive behavior is not justifiable guilt. Guilt is authentic when we have done something wrong. You did not do anything wrong.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
I am also an alcoholic and I did get worse and worse.
I drug my spouse into drinking with me and my moods went from happy to dark, just
as English Garden described.
I was not drinking anything like the amounts you describe daily, and I still had a big problem.
You have done the right thing to listen to your gut. I wish I had done that when I
knew what I was doing was hurting me and my family.
Please don't lose your resolve and keep moving forward. Don't try to build a life
with someone with an active addiction--it just leads to pain and more pain
and you deserve better.
I drug my spouse into drinking with me and my moods went from happy to dark, just
as English Garden described.
I was not drinking anything like the amounts you describe daily, and I still had a big problem.
You have done the right thing to listen to your gut. I wish I had done that when I
knew what I was doing was hurting me and my family.
Please don't lose your resolve and keep moving forward. Don't try to build a life
with someone with an active addiction--it just leads to pain and more pain
and you deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
but the fact is that if a person is alcoholic, he will resent anyone who questions his relationship with alcohol, who addresses what appears to be his dependency on alcohol. When alcoholics resent, they distance.
The almost certain response in the person who has just been shut out by the alcoholic is she will feel intense fear, guilt, regret, and desperation to soothe the drinker's negative mood and emotions. This is a universal pattern in alcoholic relationships.
What happens after tonight will tell you a lot about your partner's relationship with alcohol. Social drinkers have no problem giving the stuff up. They may complain about feeling controlled by their spouse's discomfort with drinking, but they will not walk away from someone they love because he or she has asked them not to drink or not to drink to excess.]
Alcoholics, on the other hand, will manipulate, guilt, blame-shift, and justify....many will threaten to leave, then will come back, and their partner, who has been in a fetal position crying all night because the drinker dumped her, will be so relieved and grateful he is back that she will accept him on any terms. They will make up, ride a pink cloud for several days or weeks, then he will change. If he is alcoholic, he will change, he will distance, he will criticize, and he will most definitely resume drinking to excess.
The almost certain response in the person who has just been shut out by the alcoholic is she will feel intense fear, guilt, regret, and desperation to soothe the drinker's negative mood and emotions. This is a universal pattern in alcoholic relationships.
What happens after tonight will tell you a lot about your partner's relationship with alcohol. Social drinkers have no problem giving the stuff up. They may complain about feeling controlled by their spouse's discomfort with drinking, but they will not walk away from someone they love because he or she has asked them not to drink or not to drink to excess.]
Alcoholics, on the other hand, will manipulate, guilt, blame-shift, and justify....many will threaten to leave, then will come back, and their partner, who has been in a fetal position crying all night because the drinker dumped her, will be so relieved and grateful he is back that she will accept him on any terms. They will make up, ride a pink cloud for several days or weeks, then he will change. If he is alcoholic, he will change, he will distance, he will criticize, and he will most definitely resume drinking to excess.
BrokenInPieces, I am sorry
I understand your sadness and regret. You absolutely did the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
I have a relentless nagging in the pit of my stomach that it would be a mistake... that this is going to get worse.
A woman's intuition is always right. You really are very strong and smart for doing this now.
My first thought when I got inside was "What the hell did I just do?!?!"... but I know in my heart that I had to do it.
Take care of you and focus on yourself. Dealing with an alcoholic is one of the fastest ways to get older in my opinion. I just separated from my AH and feel like I gained some years back
A woman's intuition is always right. You really are very strong and smart for doing this now.
My first thought when I got inside was "What the hell did I just do?!?!"... but I know in my heart that I had to do it.
Take care of you and focus on yourself. Dealing with an alcoholic is one of the fastest ways to get older in my opinion. I just separated from my AH and feel like I gained some years back
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
his drinking has never led to anger, disrespect, embarrassment (his or mine), job loss, dui's, broken plans, broken friendships, etc. He truly is one of the nicest, most thoughtful, hard-working, generous and genuine men you could ever meet.
his drinking has never led to anger, disrespect, embarrassment (his or mine), job loss, dui's, broken plans, broken friendships, etc.Yet. He truly is one of the nicest, most thoughtful, hard-working, generous and genuine men you could ever meet. For now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 109
lillamy, your inserts are exactly why I have remained stuck and unable to move forward. It's those two things, "yet" and "for now", that are constantly nagging at me. I've read soo many posts here and have talked myself in and out of accepting this as who he is and loving him in spite of it. I've tried to convince myself that it isn't a problem because it is so routine and controlled, because his personality and how he acts doesn't change, because I'd only seen him drunk twice in as many years, because he can easily turn down a drink any other time of the day, because he has worked his way up in a company he's been employed by for over 20 years, because he's struggled with sleep issues since he was a kid, because I've never before been with someone I'm so wonderfully compatible with, because nobody is perfect, etc. etc. etc.....
And I continue the endless self-talk "I can do this"... "No, I can't". Over and over and over. It's emotionally and mentally exhausting. And I keep coming back to the reality of it. It may LOOK controlled, but almost a pint of scotch, in a single night, would make the average man very, very sick. And this isn't a single night... it's every single night, every weekend away, every vacation. It's never just us. It's me, him and the scotch. I've grown to hate the sound of him getting ice from the freezer.. the sound of the ice going into the glass.. the little squeak the door to the cabinet makes.. the sound of the cap coming off the bottle. Everything has become magnified, and I cringe every time I hear those sounds. I can't help but be disappointed, even though I know what to expect.
I'm just so overwhelmed with sadness. When I say I feel guilty, it's only because the past few months have been really great and we had just had a fantastic weekend together... and I dropped this on him without warning. I know he didn't see it coming. And for that, I feel badly. I don't want to hurt him. I know his drinking is not done purposefully to hurt me. But I had to get it out. I had to rip it off like a bandaid. There was never going to be a "good" time.
I can't stand the feeling that my life has become stagnant. I want to look forward and move forward. I want to be un-stuck.
And I continue the endless self-talk "I can do this"... "No, I can't". Over and over and over. It's emotionally and mentally exhausting. And I keep coming back to the reality of it. It may LOOK controlled, but almost a pint of scotch, in a single night, would make the average man very, very sick. And this isn't a single night... it's every single night, every weekend away, every vacation. It's never just us. It's me, him and the scotch. I've grown to hate the sound of him getting ice from the freezer.. the sound of the ice going into the glass.. the little squeak the door to the cabinet makes.. the sound of the cap coming off the bottle. Everything has become magnified, and I cringe every time I hear those sounds. I can't help but be disappointed, even though I know what to expect.
I'm just so overwhelmed with sadness. When I say I feel guilty, it's only because the past few months have been really great and we had just had a fantastic weekend together... and I dropped this on him without warning. I know he didn't see it coming. And for that, I feel badly. I don't want to hurt him. I know his drinking is not done purposefully to hurt me. But I had to get it out. I had to rip it off like a bandaid. There was never going to be a "good" time.
I can't stand the feeling that my life has become stagnant. I want to look forward and move forward. I want to be un-stuck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 109
I received an email from him today. I am heartbroken and completely crushed all over again. In the email, he places all of the blame on me. Saying:
"My heart is broken and at the same time I am angry, frustrated, and just plain stressed out. I would honestly rather get a root canal done than to even have to go through the process of writing this brief note, much less to have to do it in person, AGAIN. Based on the last 12-15 times (I have lost track) this issue has come up; you already know what I’m thinking. The bottom line is that you need to get help and I am not qualified to help you with that type of help and I am not willing to continue having discussions with you about how I can continue to modify my behavior to come, yet again, a bit closer to your vision of the perfect person and I am not interested in hearing your response to that. I already know what it is and you already know what mine is.
I can no longer tolerate the stress of these increasingly frequent meltdowns. I don’t plan on racing out into the marketplace to find someone else, but at the same time, being together is putting too much stress on me and I am not changing one more inch or one more ounce (NO PUN INTENDED) to satisfy your needs and, yes, as you have stated many times in the past, you don’t want me to resent you. Well you can’t have it both ways.
I am f’ing pissed off that I even have to be getting all worked up to write this and I can absolutely assure you I do not relish the idea of a visit or upsetting phone calls or texts to go over this crap YET AGAIN. I am what I am, it is what it is, and I have changed my ways as far as I am willing to go. That is that, period. You need to seek counseling to deal with whatever it is that triggers you off because it’s not just the scotch and it’s obviously not just me. That is an excuse to unload when there is other stuff going on in
your head. I am sick of feeling like I’m on pins and needles when I’m around you, especially in my own home and I can tell you that you have convinced me that living together would have ended this relationship a long time ago.
If you want to try to fix this, then it is your turn to compromise. Get help and on top of that, demonstrate to me that you are getting help and that, for once, you would keep the promises that you made in the past and stop busting my balls. I have reached the point where there is resentment. I have also reached the point where I feel the
monkey is off of my back and, no that doesn’t mean that I am drinking my face off to deal with this crap. What it does mean is that I am thanking God and others for
sending me these warning signals before we would have ever been living together. You broke up with me and the fact that you expect me to suffer through these agonizing relationship repair chat sessions by reaching out to you is crazy. I’m done, no more discussion. My love for you has not changed, but my fear of future with you has. This is the last I am going to say on the subject and I am not interested in a reprisal from you outlining your objections to my comments. I can only imagine that I am not the only one who has ever told you that you are a beautiful, caring, kind-hearted soul, but also a troubled soul. Do not come over or text or call me or even reply to this email until you work out your issues. I love you dearly but you have to get help or move on with your life."
I feel like I have been gutted. I am raging mad - yet numb at the same time. I am speechless. It's entirely my fault?? I'm a "troubled soul"?? I need counseling?? WTF?!? Y'know what's my fault? Thinking things might change. I didn't know better then. Now I do. Y'know what troubles my soul? That I spent so many nights watching the man I love drink himself to death and there's not a damn thing I could say or do to help him. I need counseling? Yup. Because the only line he had right in that whole email is the last one... but change the "or" to "and".
"My heart is broken and at the same time I am angry, frustrated, and just plain stressed out. I would honestly rather get a root canal done than to even have to go through the process of writing this brief note, much less to have to do it in person, AGAIN. Based on the last 12-15 times (I have lost track) this issue has come up; you already know what I’m thinking. The bottom line is that you need to get help and I am not qualified to help you with that type of help and I am not willing to continue having discussions with you about how I can continue to modify my behavior to come, yet again, a bit closer to your vision of the perfect person and I am not interested in hearing your response to that. I already know what it is and you already know what mine is.
I can no longer tolerate the stress of these increasingly frequent meltdowns. I don’t plan on racing out into the marketplace to find someone else, but at the same time, being together is putting too much stress on me and I am not changing one more inch or one more ounce (NO PUN INTENDED) to satisfy your needs and, yes, as you have stated many times in the past, you don’t want me to resent you. Well you can’t have it both ways.
I am f’ing pissed off that I even have to be getting all worked up to write this and I can absolutely assure you I do not relish the idea of a visit or upsetting phone calls or texts to go over this crap YET AGAIN. I am what I am, it is what it is, and I have changed my ways as far as I am willing to go. That is that, period. You need to seek counseling to deal with whatever it is that triggers you off because it’s not just the scotch and it’s obviously not just me. That is an excuse to unload when there is other stuff going on in
your head. I am sick of feeling like I’m on pins and needles when I’m around you, especially in my own home and I can tell you that you have convinced me that living together would have ended this relationship a long time ago.
If you want to try to fix this, then it is your turn to compromise. Get help and on top of that, demonstrate to me that you are getting help and that, for once, you would keep the promises that you made in the past and stop busting my balls. I have reached the point where there is resentment. I have also reached the point where I feel the
monkey is off of my back and, no that doesn’t mean that I am drinking my face off to deal with this crap. What it does mean is that I am thanking God and others for
sending me these warning signals before we would have ever been living together. You broke up with me and the fact that you expect me to suffer through these agonizing relationship repair chat sessions by reaching out to you is crazy. I’m done, no more discussion. My love for you has not changed, but my fear of future with you has. This is the last I am going to say on the subject and I am not interested in a reprisal from you outlining your objections to my comments. I can only imagine that I am not the only one who has ever told you that you are a beautiful, caring, kind-hearted soul, but also a troubled soul. Do not come over or text or call me or even reply to this email until you work out your issues. I love you dearly but you have to get help or move on with your life."
I feel like I have been gutted. I am raging mad - yet numb at the same time. I am speechless. It's entirely my fault?? I'm a "troubled soul"?? I need counseling?? WTF?!? Y'know what's my fault? Thinking things might change. I didn't know better then. Now I do. Y'know what troubles my soul? That I spent so many nights watching the man I love drink himself to death and there's not a damn thing I could say or do to help him. I need counseling? Yup. Because the only line he had right in that whole email is the last one... but change the "or" to "and".
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
OMG I think my ex mess wrote that!!! Have you been seeing him?!! Wow, I am simply floored by how closely it resembles things he said to me in the months at home before I kicked him out. Wow, just...wow. Is there some sort of alcoholic's handbook that gets passed out at the bar that teaches them what to say when their loved ones frown about the drinking? When I read what he wrote, the whole time I was thinking "oh boo ******* hoo, guy". I know that the first time my ex mess emailed me and told me that it was ME who needed help (yep, right before I stupidly let him move back home) it tore me up something awful. No one had ever said such things to me..nor has anyone since, but the fact that the man I loved said it HURT. You know what you should do? Ignore his ********. Next time just find that delete button and don't read it. I am going to attempt to do the same thing. I failed miserably at it yesterday. Oh, and wow, 10-12 ounces? Mine would drink twice that..daily, near the end. How did mine manage to drink so much and not die when others only have 10 oz. Of course you said yours didn't go round shouting and crying and such either.
Don't listen to a thing that man has to say, you seem like you have a very smart head on your shoulders. There is someone out there that will love and cherish you the way you deserve...one day, when you are ready.
Don't listen to a thing that man has to say, you seem like you have a very smart head on your shoulders. There is someone out there that will love and cherish you the way you deserve...one day, when you are ready.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 109
I woke up this morning and I feel completely hollow. He makes me sound like damaged goods. He totally messed with my head, and I'm left feeling like there is something wrong with me... and there isn't. Don't we all have challenges in life? Aren't we all troubled souls at some level? I could make a list of all his "troubles", but I loved him regardless, because nobody is perfect and life can be tough sometimes. How dare he condemn me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Hi BIP;
Sorry you've taken what he said so much to heart.
Remember the three Cs?
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it?
Well, in all gentleness, it sounds like you are trying to do the last two
in your "relationship repair" possibly.
He has a right to drink if he wants to.
And you have a right not to be in a relationship with an active alcoholic.
He has been very clear that he's not stopping.
Listen to him and move on.
You can't make him not drink, or reduce his drinking no matter how much you try.
He is trying to make you accept his drinking on his terms.
I suggest you run like heLL and quit having contact of any kind with this person.
I put my husband through a terrible time as the years progressed and my own drinking got worse.
This man may not be there yet, but time is not an active alcoholic's friend.
You did do the right and wise thing saying no the first time. Now take the next step and really move on, hard as it may be.
You can do it, and don't believe his words about you being the one with the problem unless you keep trying to "fix" an addict, because then you really will have a big problem.
Best to you.
Sorry you've taken what he said so much to heart.
Remember the three Cs?
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it?
Well, in all gentleness, it sounds like you are trying to do the last two
in your "relationship repair" possibly.
He has a right to drink if he wants to.
And you have a right not to be in a relationship with an active alcoholic.
He has been very clear that he's not stopping.
Listen to him and move on.
You can't make him not drink, or reduce his drinking no matter how much you try.
He is trying to make you accept his drinking on his terms.
I suggest you run like heLL and quit having contact of any kind with this person.
I put my husband through a terrible time as the years progressed and my own drinking got worse.
This man may not be there yet, but time is not an active alcoholic's friend.
You did do the right and wise thing saying no the first time. Now take the next step and really move on, hard as it may be.
You can do it, and don't believe his words about you being the one with the problem unless you keep trying to "fix" an addict, because then you really will have a big problem.
Best to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Broken-in-pieces.......Hawkeye just said what I was going to say...(only, better)! Consider her words very carefully.
I understand that you feel really off-kilter, right now. You will rebound, though. Consider this: You have just received a graduate-level lesson in how an alcoholic thinks!!!!!!!!!!! And, you didn't even pay tuition. It often happens that our best lessons in life were also the hardest lessons (at the time).
Please do not put the rantings of an alcoholicly distorted mind over your own good judgement.
I say--go on with your life and be thankful that it was only 21/2 years instead of 10 or 15years with vulnerable little children in the tow.
Now--you have a good opportunity for your own self-examination and own self-growth.
You did the right thing.
dandylion
I understand that you feel really off-kilter, right now. You will rebound, though. Consider this: You have just received a graduate-level lesson in how an alcoholic thinks!!!!!!!!!!! And, you didn't even pay tuition. It often happens that our best lessons in life were also the hardest lessons (at the time).
Please do not put the rantings of an alcoholicly distorted mind over your own good judgement.
I say--go on with your life and be thankful that it was only 21/2 years instead of 10 or 15years with vulnerable little children in the tow.
Now--you have a good opportunity for your own self-examination and own self-growth.
You did the right thing.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
I'm in tears reading this... you just described my relationship with my ABF exactly. Too exactly. This hit home hard.
Broken, listen to this - it's so true. It doesn't get better, it only gets worse and in the process, you'll get worse. Please, get out while you can.
Broken, listen to this - it's so true. It doesn't get better, it only gets worse and in the process, you'll get worse. Please, get out while you can.
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
Overwhelming guilt when asking someone to stop a destructive behavior is not justifiable guilt. Guilt is authentic when we have done something wrong. You did not do anything wrong.
12 ounces of hard liquor every night is destructive to your relationship, for it certainly makes him high and any connection thereafter is not genuine; it is destructive to his health which affects how you see your future with him; it is destructive to the trust between you because there is no one who will trust a person who has just downed 12 ounces of whiskey to make good decisions for the next 12-24 hours. He becomes immediately untrustworthy the minute the alcohol crosses the blood brain barrier and gets him high.
Your fear of his response, however, is justified. Maybe something in your childhood history has given you this knowledge, but the fact is that if a person is alcoholic, he will resent anyone who questions his relationship with alcohol, who addresses what appears to be his dependency on alcohol. When alcoholics resent, they distance.
The almost certain response in the person who has just been shut out by the alcoholic is she will feel intense fear, guilt, regret, and desperation to soothe the drinker's negative mood and emotions. This is a universal pattern in alcoholic relationships.
What happens next is there is making up, backing off the subject, the relationship continues, the alcohol problem does not go away (though it may seem so, for many alcoholics become quite expert at hiding their drinking) and then someday everything culminates into a terrible crisis related to drinking. The DUI happens (this is not that common), the liver spots start to appear (this is), but more common is the disturbing change in the drinker's personality, as he becomes more and more affected by withdrawal (this is very apparent in the morning, after sleep has lowered the blood alcohol level, and the alcoholic awakens in a very dark mood, often has the shakes, and whether you know it or not, will have a drink to get his day started, bringing the blood alcohol level back up to where he needs it to be in order to function).
What happens after tonight will tell you a lot about your partner's relationship with alcohol. Social drinkers have no problem giving the stuff up. They may complain about feeling controlled by their spouse's discomfort with drinking, but they will not walk away from someone they love because he or she has asked them not to drink or not to drink to excess.
Alcoholics, on the other hand, will manipulate, guilt, blame-shift, and justify....many will threaten to leave, then will come back, and their partner, who has been in a fetal position crying all night because the drinker dumped her, will be so relieved and grateful he is back that she will accept him on any terms. They will make up, ride a pink cloud for several days or weeks, then he will change. If he is alcoholic, he will change, he will distance, he will criticize, and he will most definitely resume drinking to excess.
Pick up the book "Getting Them Sober, Volume 1" by Toby Rice Drews. Memorize it. If your life starts to mirror the descriptions in the book, start attending Al-Anon, because you will most surely need some outside help.
Good luck. We are glad you found the forum.
12 ounces of hard liquor every night is destructive to your relationship, for it certainly makes him high and any connection thereafter is not genuine; it is destructive to his health which affects how you see your future with him; it is destructive to the trust between you because there is no one who will trust a person who has just downed 12 ounces of whiskey to make good decisions for the next 12-24 hours. He becomes immediately untrustworthy the minute the alcohol crosses the blood brain barrier and gets him high.
Your fear of his response, however, is justified. Maybe something in your childhood history has given you this knowledge, but the fact is that if a person is alcoholic, he will resent anyone who questions his relationship with alcohol, who addresses what appears to be his dependency on alcohol. When alcoholics resent, they distance.
The almost certain response in the person who has just been shut out by the alcoholic is she will feel intense fear, guilt, regret, and desperation to soothe the drinker's negative mood and emotions. This is a universal pattern in alcoholic relationships.
What happens next is there is making up, backing off the subject, the relationship continues, the alcohol problem does not go away (though it may seem so, for many alcoholics become quite expert at hiding their drinking) and then someday everything culminates into a terrible crisis related to drinking. The DUI happens (this is not that common), the liver spots start to appear (this is), but more common is the disturbing change in the drinker's personality, as he becomes more and more affected by withdrawal (this is very apparent in the morning, after sleep has lowered the blood alcohol level, and the alcoholic awakens in a very dark mood, often has the shakes, and whether you know it or not, will have a drink to get his day started, bringing the blood alcohol level back up to where he needs it to be in order to function).
What happens after tonight will tell you a lot about your partner's relationship with alcohol. Social drinkers have no problem giving the stuff up. They may complain about feeling controlled by their spouse's discomfort with drinking, but they will not walk away from someone they love because he or she has asked them not to drink or not to drink to excess.
Alcoholics, on the other hand, will manipulate, guilt, blame-shift, and justify....many will threaten to leave, then will come back, and their partner, who has been in a fetal position crying all night because the drinker dumped her, will be so relieved and grateful he is back that she will accept him on any terms. They will make up, ride a pink cloud for several days or weeks, then he will change. If he is alcoholic, he will change, he will distance, he will criticize, and he will most definitely resume drinking to excess.
Pick up the book "Getting Them Sober, Volume 1" by Toby Rice Drews. Memorize it. If your life starts to mirror the descriptions in the book, start attending Al-Anon, because you will most surely need some outside help.
Good luck. We are glad you found the forum.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
wow, he's quite...amazing. And delusional. He is turning it all onto you...that's what they do. My EXA went to jail, lost his house, kids and was homeless. And guess who was at fault?? Always me, never him. My fault he got dui's and abused his girlfriends son while drunk. My fault he violated her restraining order against him-repeatedly.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE NOT DAMAGED GOODS. YOU DO NOT NEED COUNSELING. Well, maybe counseling to recover from him, but not the way he's saying it.
Move on, don't read his emails..block him in every way. He can only make you feel this way if he has and "in" with you. Don't allow it. You did right by walking away. DON'T GO BACK!.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE NOT DAMAGED GOODS. YOU DO NOT NEED COUNSELING. Well, maybe counseling to recover from him, but not the way he's saying it.
Move on, don't read his emails..block him in every way. He can only make you feel this way if he has and "in" with you. Don't allow it. You did right by walking away. DON'T GO BACK!.
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