Needing help with boundaries

Old 01-25-2014, 04:14 PM
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Needing help with boundaries

Ok so after reading all the information I can get my hands on I still don't understand fully about boundaries.

1. Do we and can we discuss these boundaries with our AH?
I understand they are about us but for example I am currently living with our children in a different state then him. I would like to see physical evidence that he is getting help and I was him to share his journey with me before I am uprooting our kids again and move back here only to find out nothing has changed. I feel like the evidence is a boundary I need to set up so te kids and I don't get hurt anymore. Am I right in that being a boundary or do I have this all wrong?

2. Would it be overstepping his boundaries to find out if he's really enrolled in the army's alcohol program. I know they can't tell me about his treatment plan but I believe they can tell me yes or no that he's in the program bc his command has to be involved too.

I know I have more questions but I can't think of them right now...LOL I know I will be back to ask more bc you guys are a wealth of knowledge and help!!
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Old 01-25-2014, 04:30 PM
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I see where you are going with boundaries, or the direction you want to go...however there is a difference between Rules, evidentiary proof and Boundaries.

boundaries are for us. that you and the children are now living in another state indicates you could no longer tolerate HIS behavior and then YOU took action. ie LEFT. you were not willing to tolerate living with active addiction and so you removed yourself from it. well done!

so now you are exploring possibly returning to where he is and attempting to resume the family relationship. and you want to make sure he is no longer drinking and making some type of self improvement first. the problem with distance is you can't SEE with your own eyes what is going on, or what appears to be going on. you will only have his WORD.

even if he started a program tomorrow, or last month, any recovery takes TiME. time to take hold and time to be lived out. when I say time I mean give it a year, at least. a year of repeated consistent behavior with no relapses. while a year is no guarantee, it's a very good start.

if he is motivated to change he will. if he wants to prove that he is worthy of being a reliable father and a husband again, he will. if his desire is to get sober NO MATTER WHAT, he will. and nothing will stop him. if he truly is enrolled in the program, he should have no problem producing whatever evidence to prove that. he would be an open book.

enrolling in a program is only a start. a month of sobriety is only a start. don't be rushed into changing your life and structure as it is today. you and the children deserve stability and security.
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Old 01-25-2014, 04:55 PM
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He feels that since I left him he doesn't need to prove anything to me. I am here with him now getting some things taken care of here and while he did let me take him to AA he wouldn't let me go into the meeting with him ( he said its a closed meeting and I am not allowed to come in) He said he's been going for a few weeks although he had to use the GPS and just seemed like he didn't really know where it was. I have found cans of beer stashed around the car and house and he's really persistant that they are from before he stopped drinking. I am trying not to snoop and question him too much I just honestly feel lost as to how to set my boundaries and actually see the proof being so far away.
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Old 01-25-2014, 04:59 PM
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Sorry, what do you need proof for?
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Old 01-25-2014, 05:05 PM
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So I don't move my children and myself back into a situation that has all been a lie on the surface...
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Old 01-25-2014, 05:19 PM
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it sounds as if you already have your answer, just not the one you were hoping for.
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Old 01-25-2014, 05:27 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
it sounds as if you already have your answer, just not the one you were hoping for.
That's what I was afraid of... I guess it just puts it into perspective to hear someone else say it...
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Old 01-25-2014, 05:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Regroup View Post
He feels that since I left him he doesn't need to prove anything to me..
This is just my opinion, but this statement alone should raise a big red flag and tell you that he isn't serious about committing to sobriety or to you.

I say this from experience as when I wasn't that serious about it I didn't think I had to prove anything either. My attitude was that I was kind of trying and that should be good enough. Only when I got serious was I ready to prove to my daughter that I was committed to it. And it takes work and actions to prove this, not just words.

Set whatever boundaries you need to in order to protect your children and their well being. We are good manipulators. Follow your gut, it is seldom wrong.
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Old 01-25-2014, 06:59 PM
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Thank you!! My gut as well as other signs that he isn't ready... I am sad and hurt after everything that has happened and all the talk of him getting help. I know what I need to do for the kids and myself but I wish I could just shake him and make him see what he's doing to us, and to himself... I have to kick this life I want and wish we could have out of my head and move on... Easier said then done...
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