How to stop judging someones recovery
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Halifax, NS
Posts: 17
How to stop judging someones recovery
I am dating a man that has recently given up marijuana after 5 or 6 years of daily heavy use. The drug is gone, and I truly believe that he will not use again. He got to a point where it made him miserable, with panic attacks and isolation and intense sadness and he felt like it was his bottom. But now, the drugs are gone, but it was not a fix.
I dated an alcoholic that spiraled. I walked away after alanon, support from sober recovery, counseling, self help books, and focusing on myself. It was a year of my own personal recovery. I know what recovery looks like for me.
Now, I date a man who I feel has an intense sadness. He does not go to NA meetings and he doesn't even talk about it anymore after three months and he does go to yoga and has been trying to do things that make him happy, like see his family, try to connect with old friends.
The problem is, you know when someone is recovering and there is an ease and lightness to them? I don't feel that. He can be short, irritable, annoyed or frustrated easily. He is gruff and it feels like few things make him happy. His mood can change quickly if I am negative, or critical. His emotions are intense and his anger is under the surface. I feel like things outside of himself make him happy (food, family, dogs, exercise) but internally I don't believe he is truly happy, although he claims the opposite.
I would agree he does have more happiness now than before. But I still feel egg shells, I feel like I need to energetic and happy or the relationship does not work and I feel tension when we talk about addiction. I am already stepping out of the relationship and tuning out, feeling bitter and questioning his recovery.
I am tired of judging his recovery, as I see it as just avoiding the substance. But he doesn't see that recovery means so much more than just stopping to smoke. I just need some advice from anyone that is in the same boat. I guess I feel like I am a sitting duck waiting for change, but know that when things get better it's only because he is trying or we have fought about something and he is attempting to be more patient and positive, but it takes active effort and usually dissipates after a few weeks.
Please give me any advice. I fear that I am repeating this pattern all over again. He asks me for more patience and for more time. But I am fearful that recovery will not come if it is not his main priority in life.
I dated an alcoholic that spiraled. I walked away after alanon, support from sober recovery, counseling, self help books, and focusing on myself. It was a year of my own personal recovery. I know what recovery looks like for me.
Now, I date a man who I feel has an intense sadness. He does not go to NA meetings and he doesn't even talk about it anymore after three months and he does go to yoga and has been trying to do things that make him happy, like see his family, try to connect with old friends.
The problem is, you know when someone is recovering and there is an ease and lightness to them? I don't feel that. He can be short, irritable, annoyed or frustrated easily. He is gruff and it feels like few things make him happy. His mood can change quickly if I am negative, or critical. His emotions are intense and his anger is under the surface. I feel like things outside of himself make him happy (food, family, dogs, exercise) but internally I don't believe he is truly happy, although he claims the opposite.
I would agree he does have more happiness now than before. But I still feel egg shells, I feel like I need to energetic and happy or the relationship does not work and I feel tension when we talk about addiction. I am already stepping out of the relationship and tuning out, feeling bitter and questioning his recovery.
I am tired of judging his recovery, as I see it as just avoiding the substance. But he doesn't see that recovery means so much more than just stopping to smoke. I just need some advice from anyone that is in the same boat. I guess I feel like I am a sitting duck waiting for change, but know that when things get better it's only because he is trying or we have fought about something and he is attempting to be more patient and positive, but it takes active effort and usually dissipates after a few weeks.
Please give me any advice. I fear that I am repeating this pattern all over again. He asks me for more patience and for more time. But I am fearful that recovery will not come if it is not his main priority in life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Halifax, NS
Posts: 17
How to stop judging someones recovery
I am dating a man that has recently given up marijuana after 5 or 6 years of daily heavy use. The drug is gone, and I truly believe that he will not use again. He got to a point where it made him miserable, with panic attacks and isolation and intense sadness and he felt like it was his bottom. But now, the drugs are gone, but it was not a fix.
I dated an alcoholic that spiraled. I walked away after alanon, support from sober recovery, counseling, self help books, and focusing on myself. It was a year of my own personal recovery. I know what recovery looks like for me.
Now, I date a man who I feel has an intense sadness. He does not go to NA meetings and he doesn't even talk about it anymore after three months and he does go to yoga and has been trying to do things that make him happy, like see his family, try to connect with old friends.
The problem is, you know when someone is recovering and there is an ease and lightness to them? I don't feel that. He can be short, irritable, annoyed or frustrated easily. He is gruff and it feels like few things make him happy. His mood can change quickly if I am negative, or critical. His emotions are intense and his anger is under the surface. I feel like things outside of himself make him happy (food, family, dogs, exercise) but internally I don't believe he is truly happy, although he claims the opposite.
I would agree he does have more happiness now than before. But I still feel egg shells, I feel like I need to energetic and happy or the relationship does not work and I feel tension when we talk about addiction. I am already stepping out of the relationship and tuning out, feeling bitter and questioning his recovery.
I am tired of judging his recovery, as I see it as just avoiding the substance. But he doesn't see that recovery means so much more than just stopping to smoke. I just need some advice from anyone that is in the same boat. I guess I feel like I am a sitting duck waiting for change, but know that when things get better it's only because he is trying or we have fought about something and he is attempting to be more patient and positive, but it takes active effort and usually dissipates after a few weeks.
Please give me any advice. I fear that I am repeating this pattern all over again. He asks me for more patience and for more time. But I am fearful that recovery will not come if it is not his main priority in life.
I dated an alcoholic that spiraled. I walked away after alanon, support from sober recovery, counseling, self help books, and focusing on myself. It was a year of my own personal recovery. I know what recovery looks like for me.
Now, I date a man who I feel has an intense sadness. He does not go to NA meetings and he doesn't even talk about it anymore after three months and he does go to yoga and has been trying to do things that make him happy, like see his family, try to connect with old friends.
The problem is, you know when someone is recovering and there is an ease and lightness to them? I don't feel that. He can be short, irritable, annoyed or frustrated easily. He is gruff and it feels like few things make him happy. His mood can change quickly if I am negative, or critical. His emotions are intense and his anger is under the surface. I feel like things outside of himself make him happy (food, family, dogs, exercise) but internally I don't believe he is truly happy, although he claims the opposite.
I would agree he does have more happiness now than before. But I still feel egg shells, I feel like I need to energetic and happy or the relationship does not work and I feel tension when we talk about addiction. I am already stepping out of the relationship and tuning out, feeling bitter and questioning his recovery.
I am tired of judging his recovery, as I see it as just avoiding the substance. But he doesn't see that recovery means so much more than just stopping to smoke. I just need some advice from anyone that is in the same boat. I guess I feel like I am a sitting duck waiting for change, but know that when things get better it's only because he is trying or we have fought about something and he is attempting to be more patient and positive, but it takes active effort and usually dissipates after a few weeks.
Please give me any advice. I fear that I am repeating this pattern all over again. He asks me for more patience and for more time. But I am fearful that recovery will not come if it is not his main priority in life.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
I am not in a place to give you any advice but I am sure others will be along shortly who have more information for you. Just wanted you to know I am here and listening. I am sorry you are going through such a hard time with your BF. Sounds like you have done a lot of work on yourself which is something to be proud of. I wish you the best with your situation and hope you can find an answer that makes YOU happy.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
well... it's hard for me to explain it... other than recovery looks like recovery.
often times, the drug is just a symptom of emotional pain. even when an addict stops using, they don't find recovery until they are willing to deal with whatever emotions they used to escape from.
often times, the drug is just a symptom of emotional pain. even when an addict stops using, they don't find recovery until they are willing to deal with whatever emotions they used to escape from.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
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There are a lot of things we say internally to ourselves that we are not even aware of ... until we start listening. It's an inward battle. Until I started telling those voices that they were liars.. (really, talking to myself) I sound crazy.. but I would do daily affirmations.. and still do. I am worthy of living a happy life. I am not stupid, dumb or crazy... etc... that I was finally able to find some peace. Sober and getting healthier daily 4+ years.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
"...The problem is, you know when someone is recovering and there is an ease and lightness to them?..."
I know when they're recovering according to my definition of recovery, but for me, recovery is one of those subjective terms. I get to define 'recovery' for myself, but I don't get to define 'recovery' for anybody else.
(o:
NoelleR
I know when they're recovering according to my definition of recovery, but for me, recovery is one of those subjective terms. I get to define 'recovery' for myself, but I don't get to define 'recovery' for anybody else.
(o:
NoelleR
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Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by ThethreeCs 
I feel like things outside of himself make him happy (food, family, dogs, exercise) but internally I don't believe he is truly happy, although he claims the opposite.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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But I still feel egg shells, I feel like I need to energetic and happy or the relationship does not work and I feel tension when we talk about addiction.
what if you drop "recovery" and "addiction" from the conversation and just let things be as they are? you have this assumption that IF he attended more meetings and IF he worked a program that he would be different, better, happier, whatever. but there is no way to predict that. THIS is who he is right now...you trying to fill in what you see as empty spaces by being energetic or happy is overcompensating....and not your job. you do you. he does him. either that works or it doesn't.
what if you drop "recovery" and "addiction" from the conversation and just let things be as they are? you have this assumption that IF he attended more meetings and IF he worked a program that he would be different, better, happier, whatever. but there is no way to predict that. THIS is who he is right now...you trying to fill in what you see as empty spaces by being energetic or happy is overcompensating....and not your job. you do you. he does him. either that works or it doesn't.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
I'm admitting here that I've watched the movie "gone with the wind" too many times to count - love the flic, hate the end. Even though I know the end quite well by know, every time I watch the movie I'm still disappointed - again.
I know that I can't change the movie plot. So why do I keep watching it? Cause I like the movie, or because I'm still hoping for a magical, happy end?
I know that I can't change the movie plot. So why do I keep watching it? Cause I like the movie, or because I'm still hoping for a magical, happy end?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think it's easy to assume that once an addiction is "cured" (ha) that things will go back to how they once were. I have found for myself that I no longer really like who my AH is, sober or not. We don't agree on so many things. We are not like minded. His cup is always half empty, mine always half full.
We met and married when we were much younger. We did not know each other as well as we should have.
Ultimately, addiction is just a symptom of something wrong. It normally has an underlying issue. Until a person is willing to address that underlying issue, the behavior is the same for so many, using or not.
I think it is wise to focus on you. To figure out who you want to be. Detatch and figure out where you want all of this to go.
We met and married when we were much younger. We did not know each other as well as we should have.
Ultimately, addiction is just a symptom of something wrong. It normally has an underlying issue. Until a person is willing to address that underlying issue, the behavior is the same for so many, using or not.
I think it is wise to focus on you. To figure out who you want to be. Detatch and figure out where you want all of this to go.
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
Did you say only three months ago? From what I'm expecting of my (hopeful) recovery is that I might start to feel better at three months but I kind of assume I won't be out of the weeds by then. Oops, pun was an accident. Usually I experience what I consider regular emotions, including joy and hope and gratitude. When I quit smoking once for months, I rarely felt joy. All I remember from that time was joyless, bleak flat line of emotion. I couldn't stand the sudden emptiness of my existence so I went back to smoking. I have been told I did not wait long enough.
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
Also, you said that "when things get better it's only because he is trying or we have fought about something and he is attempting to be more patient and positive, but it takes active effort". Are you saying that you want him to be patient and positive naturally without having to try? I can understand that would be nice. But if it's not the case for him right now, good on him for trying, making an attempt. If he's being abusive and then trying to back peddal, that's obviously not good. But if he's just a bit more irritable and in a dark cloud, I can relate. I hope my bf and I don't split up due to withdrawal fights. We are a great couple who run a business together and are both committed to quitting but both of us get all jumpy and pick fights when we're quitting. I almost feel like we should get sober in different houses so we don't take it out on each other. If only that were an option.
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I think we are all exactly where we need to be, we usually are in that place to learn a lesson, some people move past it, some take longer than others.
I think one of the hardest things I've had to learn was to let others be who they are at where they are, still working on it actually.. and not taking it personal when they aren't in the mood I want them to be in. There's a great book called The Four Agreements that actually talks a lot about this type of stuff.
I think one of the hardest things I've had to learn was to let others be who they are at where they are, still working on it actually.. and not taking it personal when they aren't in the mood I want them to be in. There's a great book called The Four Agreements that actually talks a lot about this type of stuff.
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