So Confused

Old 01-25-2014, 05:38 AM
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Unhappy So Confused

I just don't know which way is up. Even with what I've written about here, I still had that part of me that was hoping I was wrong. He's the last person anyone would guess had an alcohol problem. Honestly. But I can't deny it anymore. Just yesterday:

I smelled whiskey on him again.

I asked him how I should pay for dd13s pageant fee of $50. He didn't have an answer. When he does answer it's 'I don't know' He did have $100 in his pocket a few days ago and now he has $60. But he didn't f'ing know where we would get $50????? BTW, I have no idea where he got the money and he doesn't know I know. Yes I was snooping. We don't do much for our kids because money is tight. This is important to her. I take care of the finances, for the most part. Whole 'nother story

We have discovered that we can no longer count on him. It used to be that everyone could count on him. My son-in-laws truck is broke down and they wanted to see if they could borrow one of ours for the day. Normally not a problem. AH is working today. A couple of us have a commitment so I couldn't give up my car and taking her would mean picking her up much later than her shift. In the past I would just take AH to work and she would use my car. Then I would get him after he was done. Not this time. I couldn't believe it!

Those are just examples from yesterday. We don't see him drink or even tipsy, so it's been easy for me to think I was making a big deal out of nothing. Now that I have accepted for certain that this is a HUGE problem I'm not sure how to 'be' around him. He has no idea how obsessed I am with this problem and how big I think it is. Usually when we disagree about something, after a couple days I feel it isn't worth hurting our relationship over and I cave and make up with him first. I have a feeling that's what he's done with his alcoholism, which he denies. I have way too much information about alcoholism to let this go. I've read books, searched the internet, read here, been to al-anon and FAVOR (local group)

Do I continue to act like all is normal and ok? We are very affectionate. Lot's of 'I love you's' and kisses. Do I tell him what's going on in my mind? That I still think there's a problem? That I'm going to Al-anon?
giliji is offline  
Old 01-25-2014, 06:02 AM
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Unfortunately they dont listen. Concentated on yourself and do what u want.
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Old 01-25-2014, 08:26 AM
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You can tell him, if you want. I told my AH (actually, me & the counselor told him.) The counselor recommended AA. That was the point my AH gave up on our marriage. I didn't realize it at the time, but that's exactly what he did. It was also the point that I realized that he wasn't going to change because he did not think it was a problem (or that he was a problem.) His choice was his addiction, my choice was our children and my sanity. He's moving out in a couple weeks and we're working on our divorce settlement. I'm working on me. I won't lie, divorcing after 25 years together is very painful. I'm grieving. But, it's the right thing for my family.

If our circumstances were different and I was in a position to wait, I probably would have given myself time to really work on my own recovery before making a decision or pushing him to choose. Unfortunately, I did not have the luxury of time and waiting was not a viable option for me.

One of our al-anon meetings earlier this month was on confusion. The consensus of the group was that if you're really feeling confused, you're probably not ready to make the choice/change. I'm not sure if that's always applicable because I admit that I still feel confused over the divorce. I'm thinking maybe it's true if there's not a pressing reason why the choice/change has to happen now (ie no abuse or major thing looming over your head requiring you to make the choice.)

I don't know if that helps or just confuses you more, giliji. Huge hugs to you. Be gentle on yourself. Take it one day at a time, and keep going to al-anon You'll know when the timing is right.
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Old 01-26-2014, 09:52 AM
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Thank you for helping.
Dessy telling me he probably won't listen helps me prepare for that.
JustAGirl, you didn't confuse me You helped. My mom always said 'when in doubt don't' I'm going to wait until I'm sure. He's back to working 7 days a week so I don't really see him anyway so it makes that easy. We have been married 29 years with 5 kiddos. Oldest is married and the mom to our 2.5yr old grandson. I watch my grandson while my daughter works and he helps distract me. I never would have thought that after 29 years of marriage, mostly good, that we would have such a serious problem.
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