Full Freak Out....Yikes

Old 01-24-2014, 07:22 AM
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Full Freak Out....Yikes

Good Morning SR. I am not sure what has gotten into me.

I have two children ages 14 and 8. My 14 year old pretty much gets herself up and gets ready, leaves on time for school, etc. My husband has been dropping her off this week for school, which is all fine and good. My 8 y.o. is another story. She is a doll...however....she is slow as a turtle. I have done this to myself. She does not get up when she should, she takes forever to get ready, we are late...alot. This morning I just lost it on all of them. AH could not find his keys and was sure I should know where they are. Little daughter ran us late. I just did alot of yelling and screaming that I am ashamed of myself for.

So...after we dropped off said children (they go to different schools), I called my husband and just let him have it. I suspected the other night he drank, he swears he did not. I am pretty sure he did but could not prove it so I decided to leave it alone. Time will tell on that.

That being said, I yelled at him for that, for not taking enough responsibility in the mornings and with the kids...all sorts of junk that I think I have been stuffing for a long time. Wow...how stupid. It was stupid not only because yelling is not he way to handle it, but stupid because it has made me feel horrible about myself. This is not the person I want to be. I want to be positive. I just feel as though lately my anxiety is through the roof and my patience is next to none. I need to get it under control.

Anyways....TGIF. I hope today goes quickly here at work and I can find some time to relax and not act like a raving nut this weekned.

Thanks for letting me ramble on. It helps just to sort out my thoughts.

Hope you all have a good weekend!
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Old 01-24-2014, 07:36 AM
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OH geez, hopeful: we all have days where we snap. Hey, you could always blame it on hormones, LOL! Give yourself a break, start your day over right now. The best thing about our recovery is that we become aware and that is a great step toward our own healing. So, take a deep breath, cut yourself some slack for being human, make amends to those who didn't take your ranting very well, and move on with your day. You are showing ownership for how you acted, and that is something to be proud of, in and of itself! Have a great day!!!
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Old 01-24-2014, 08:00 AM
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Thank you. Yes, I did tell my AH I was sorry for the way I said what I said. I will speak with my kids tonight. Luckily my coworkers are also my friends and they make me laugh alot. And in honesty, some of it may be hormones! I have been having the night sweats. I turned 39 last month, it may be time! Yuck. Appreciate you lizatola!
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Old 01-24-2014, 08:26 AM
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Hi Hopeful...hope your day gets better!

I struggle with my anxiety, too. And I get that when I let it build up it's likely to blow! I've worked really hard to keep it in check. When I feel it coming on, I try to take some time by myself (even if its in the bathroom at work!) to really think on it to identify why I am having the feeling. I walk myself through what is my responsibility to deal with as well as what about it I can do nothing about. Remembering that I am only responsible for me helps a lot. I also keep myself in the moment and know that I can only deal with what is happening in the here & now.

Hugs, Hopeful! Be gentle with yourself...as Liz said, identifying the action you took that you did not like is a great thing in itself!!
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Old 01-24-2014, 08:29 AM
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Your posts and replies always help me so much. So I hope you get through the day ok and have a good weekend, hopeful. Things just reached a fever pitch for you for whatever reason, or combination of reasons probably. It's so good to be able to lean on coworkers - I do it too and they probably don't even know.
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Old 01-24-2014, 08:31 AM
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Hey Hopeful, sounds like you had a pretty Human Morning. I agree with Liz, we all have those days & those tirades we wish we could take back. It sounds like you saw your mistake, apologized & went on with your day... it's all any of us can do.

I think talking with the girls & apologizing in situations like these goes a long way in showing them respect & true humility. It's also a great teaching moment to remind them that Mom is NOT SuperHuman.... she is also capable of making & amending mistakes just like everyone else. Have a better rest of your day!
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Old 01-24-2014, 08:34 AM
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I called my husband and just let him have it. I suspected the other night he drank, he swears he did not. I am pretty sure he did but could not prove it so I decided to leave it alone.
I remember when I first really started detaching, in so many ways it worked but in other ways it made me passive agressive as I truely was not detaching but rather just not reacting like I had in the past. I was stuffing all that anger and resentment, finding signs of drug use and not saying a thing at the moment (believing I was detaching) just made it all come out some where else down the road. It builds then would boil over.
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Old 01-24-2014, 08:45 AM
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It varies for me I think. Some days I can detatch and just move on and not seem to even care. When there are other factors going on I wonder if I have detatched at all as it seems to come raring it's ugly head back up. There are other contributing factors. Right now we are having quite a bit of financial stress, running the kids all the time, just normal type stuff. Add in the not normal in the mix brings me full tilt sometimes.

Thank you all for your support and insight. FireSprite...I will talk to my girls tonight. I believe in letting them know I am only human. I am also going to talk to my little one (as much as you can an 8 year old) about setting up a better routine so we can get it together better in the mornings.

You guys are great!


Originally Posted by atalose View Post
I remember when I first really started detaching, in so many ways it worked but in other ways it made me passive agressive as I truely was not detaching but rather just not reacting like I had in the past. I was stuffing all that anger and resentment, finding signs of drug use and not saying a thing at the moment (believing I was detaching) just made it all come out some where else down the road. It builds then would boil over.
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Old 01-24-2014, 08:51 AM
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Whew, anxiety! When I'm starting to spin out, I take a moment to HALT. Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?

You won't believe how much of my anxiety is exacerbated by hunger. Coming home after a long day, having to take care of the kids, cook dinner, and get to work on the second job, that forty minutes between walking in the door and sitting down to dinner can be tense! Some days I say to DS14, "Watch your sister! Mom needs some quiet time, STAT." And I can leisurely cook and get ten minutes to myself.

Sometimes parents yell. I can say I yell 95% less since I've been split from my STBXAH. It's important to circle back with the little ones and explain that you are sorry for yelling, and discuss the behavior that set you off. Yelling or not yelling, little one needs to hustle in the mornings. Yelling or not yelling, AH needs to take responsibility for some of the morning routine. Yelling may not be the most desirable method of communication, but it does not negate the fact that you need the assistance of your husband to manage the marriage. You can't be responsible for everything -- and if you are you might as well leave him.

Find time for yourself to decompress. When I'm struggling, I go to bed early and get a lot of sleep. I try to exercise a little and eat healthy things. If a work task is making me nuts, I step away from it until I can get my arms around it.

I tell myself some things too: "I can do anything for X hours." "Easy does it." "Stand there and do nothing." "Is this the hill I'm prepared to die on?"

And when I'm really despondent over something, I imagine myself as a little girl, and I scoop up little Florence and hug her until she can make it through the day. It's embarrassing to say it out loud, but this ability to calm and love myself is the strongest tool in my arsenal.
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Old 01-24-2014, 08:54 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
I am also going to talk to my little one (as much as you can an 8 year old) about setting up a better routine so we can get it together better in the mornings.
I'm the same way - some days I just don't have the same tolerance as others, depending on contribution factors.

I think the "morning" talk is a great idea too. My DD is 9 & we go through our fair share of rough mornings. We found that she does better when she is prepped the night before as much as possible for uniforms, lunch, breakfast, extras. Backpack loaded & lunch box ready to fill - they have a "place" so we never havew to search in the mornings. She moved her showers to the night just before reading/bed & often sets out her uniforms or at least pulls them to the front of her closet. If she isn't in bed, on time & getting her full night sleep it also wreaks havoc on the next morn, so we've stopped letting her run over her bedtime even for 15 mins here & there at night - it makes a difference for her, especially if it happens day after day. If she runs late 15 mins each night Sun-Wed, by Thurs morn it starts showing in her attitude.
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Old 01-24-2014, 08:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
And when I'm really despondent over something, I imagine myself as a little girl, and I scoop up little Florence and hug her until she can make it through the day. It's embarrassing to say it out loud, but this ability to calm and love myself is the strongest tool in my arsenal.
I do this A LOT, it is VERY helpful.
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Old 01-24-2014, 09:05 AM
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Yes FS, I agree. Florence, I agree with you too. I do go to bed at a decent time but am tired alot. I don't sleep very well. My husband has taken to snoring quite a lot and it wakes me up alot. Tonight I am buying ear plugs, I think that will help.

Honestly, I am just a little burned out with life right now. It's so amazingly cold that I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. It's cheer competition season for my older daughter so I feel as though even if I don't want to go anywhere we always have somewhere to go! That is also a hard age, they like to do stuff with friends alot but cannot drive themselves. Alot of her cheer stuff is on Sundays and that is the same day as CR and it causes me to miss sometimes and I never do well when I miss CR. I will be there this week and it will help immensely!

I am sure this is the same for many people. I am almost embarassed to post because people are going through far more in life than I am, I feel like a whiner!

I really do appreciate everyone's support and input.
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Old 01-24-2014, 09:06 AM
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ME TOO!!!!

Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
I do this A LOT, it is VERY helpful.
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Old 01-24-2014, 09:29 AM
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What? You lost your patience with a child? In the morning? Really? And then with your AH? Wow. That has never happened to me. Except maybe 400 times...

I have a dear, dear friend that I chat with over the interwebs almost every day. When I tell her stories like yours, an hour may go by, and then my phone dings. And when I pick it up, there's a message from her and it says: "go to a meeting"...

I think what you experienced is that special kind of crazy we end up with when we're trying so hard for so long to keep things together. If we had more time, we'd sit down and cry, but then the mascara would run and that would make us even later so we yell instead.

Go to a meeting.
Is my advice, too.
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Old 01-24-2014, 09:30 AM
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Hopeful4 you're not whining. I don't think we should compare ourselves to others. If it matters to you then it does matter.
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Old 01-24-2014, 09:34 AM
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"And when I'm really despondent over something, I imagine myself as a little girl, and I scoop up little Florence and hug her until she can make it through the day. It's embarrassing to say it out loud, but this ability to calm and love myself is the strongest tool in my arsenal."

This is so sweet! It made me cry. I'm going to try it too.
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Old 01-24-2014, 09:39 AM
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LOL...when I came into work today and sat down I did start to cry...and my first thought was how much of a mess I was going to look like if that happened! So...I jumped on here instead LOL!

I have Celebrate Recovery on Sunday night, it will be a great meeting and I know I will feel better after I go. I do every single time.

You guys are a Godsend to my sanity!!

Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
I
I think what you experienced is that special kind of crazy we end up with when we're trying so hard for so long to keep things together. If we had more time, we'd sit down and cry, but then the mascara would run and that would make us even later so we yell instead.

Go to a meeting.
Is my advice, too.
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Old 01-24-2014, 09:42 AM
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you're human after all!!! sometimes all that bottled up stuff HAS to come out....and in the heat of the moment we are unable to reel it all back in. and i'm not sure we should ALWAYS be in control?

so you pitched a fit. and you yelled. no heads were removed, no one has any mortal wounds, no physical damage was done to property. it happens! cut yourself some slack lady!

the other day i was getting ready to head out for a "date" with my daughter to go see the new Hobbit flick. hank asked if i could drive up to the corner store FIRST and get him a pack of smokes, deliver them to him and then be on my way....and i said.....no. nope, ain't gonna happen. you have a car and the store is all of two long blocks away.

he pitched a hissy fit. stomped around, got jeans and shoes on and stormed off in his car. was back in less than 5 minutes. made sure to NOT get me cigarettes. and then said snarkily, do you think you could CALL on your way home and maybe get me a burger or something? oh whatever.

wanna know the coolest thing? he called, not 10 minutes after i left to apologize for being a douche. said he didn't want it to ruin my outing and to have fun at the movie. i was actually almost totally over it by then but i told him how much i appreciated the apology. he said again he was being a jerk for no reason. which he was!!!

and yes, i did call and i did grab him a burger on the way home! didn't want that poor helpless man to have to leave the property twice in the same day!!!! LOL
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Old 01-24-2014, 11:20 AM
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I lost it last night on my husband. He was being controlling over a very unimportant thing.
It just so happened as we were having this convo that I smacked my head but good on a kitchen cabinet corner.
He continued talking about the thing. A paper bag, actually, to give the unimportance of it weight.
So I snapped. I was in pain. I told him to STFU.
I have never said those words to him before.
In pain, or not in pain, I do not think my words fall into acceptable.
I do owe an apology.

I don't often lose it. I stuff it instead.
But when I do get angry, look out, dagger eyes, that tone, here it comes.

I'm not so sure it was wrong of you to let it all out.
You've probably been stuffing what you said for a long time, apparently.
Gave him some things to think about.
Not saying it was right, but I also don't think it was all wrong.
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Old 01-24-2014, 12:06 PM
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