GardenMama

My AD and her ABF have now burned all remaining family members out--two weeks ago they had jobs, driver's licenses, the use of my sister's old car, and a little place of their own. My bro-in-law put a GPS on the car, and told them, and after tracking it for ten days decided they couldn't have it anymore because they weren't going to work. I hear all this second-hand from another sister. The dysfunction in my family is unbearable. Phone calls from family members end badly. No one has gone to NarAnon despite my broken record plea. They have "cut her off" and now the two addicts are in a crappy little house six miles from town with no jobs and no car and no money. My daughter's pregnancy is no longer, and I have no idea if she is using birth control, so I hesitate to feel any solace in that circumstance arising again...

I sent her a text yesterday: I love you and think of you often. She said she's hungry, they can't get to the food bank, can I help? I am hundreds of miles away. What a mess. I am so worried about her health and safety. I am trying to read all the recovery literature for myself, trying not to slip into sadness and "help" mode. It is just so damn painful knowing they are not in recovery, floundering so far away in a state with few resources. I guess I am just looking for some love here today. I so want her safe and sober. I know it is out of my hands and in my HP's realm. I'm just a sad momma today. Thanks for reading this depressing post.

Hawkeye13

Sorry GardenMama for your pain.
I think you should not send them money for any reason, including the plea "I'm hungry".

If I were you and had to do something, pack a box with basic staple food items you know she likes and send it to her.

Money will turn into drugs quick as a wink, and they need to hit bottom to actually think about stopping.

Please take care of yourself and try not to make yourself ill with worry.
Other parents here suggest giving it to God / Higher Power.

MamaCas

GardenMama, I can't imagine how hard this must be. I'm sure it's hard hearing from other family members about everything that's going on. I understand wanting to protect your daughter...I really do. But, I've also watched how hard it is for everyone involved when the family of the addict tries to "help" by paying rent or providing money for food, etc. I agree that maybe you could send her a care package (no gift cards or $) of staples. I would say "don't worry" but I'd be a hypocrite since I haven't mastered that task myself. Hang in there...lots of support here!

hopeful4

GardenMama...that has to be so very hard. You know, in hindsight, she had choices and she has made them. She had every opportunity and blew it. I am so sorry.

I agree, send her no $ and no giftcards, nothing she can sell. If you are worried about her eating send food. You are detatching WITH LOVE...that is all you can do for her. Same for family members. You cannot make them attend meetings or anything of the sort. Recommend and that's it.

You cannot controly anyone's actions, only your own reaction.

Hugs.

DecBaby

Garden Mama,

As a recovering addict I just want to reassure you that you're doing the right thing. Had my family continued to enable me I wouldn't have gotten myself together.

hopeful4

DecBaby...it is great that you are here and able to say that. I think it is what so many of us who tend to want to enable need to hear! While I do not have an addict child, I did enable my AH for years.

It has to provide reassurance for many to know that not enabling an addict is the right thing to do.

Kindeyes

Gardenmama
There are unfortunately so many of us here on SR who understand. I have those tough days too......and I thank God that I have others who understand......not that I would ever wish this on anyone......but there is comfort knowing that we are not alone.

These words from DecBaby are priceless. Hearing from someone in recovery from addiction say those words means more to me than anything. It gives me hope. I hope it does the same for you.

gentlest hugs for you today
ke

lizwig

Sending prayers your way Gardenmama. I'm so sorry and understand the pain of parenting an addict. Thank you Dec Baby....your words encouraged me today.

Nina Kay

Hi GardenMama.
I just wanted to give you **********{Tight but Gentle Understanding Hugs}}}}}}} from another Mama. Please try to put your Daughter in God's very loving & capable Hands. I am having to do that today with my Son & Grandsons. (Not the same circumstances)

I wish that both of our grown children were in recovery programs. Maybe this is what is needed to get her to go & to save her life. It would be worth it to be a little hungry for a while if it saved her life. I do very much understand how you feel when she says she is hungry, but I can almost gaurantee you that if you were to actually drive up to where she is that you would get a whole different picture. That's how it's always been while dealing with my Son. She knows you are far away & she can paint you a very scarey picture & you can't see the truth.

I'm so very sorry you are having to go through all of this torment as a Mother. It's very devastating & horrifying. One thing that I learned over & over with my addict son is that addicts are extremely resourceful. They have to learn that to keep getting their drugs & if they want food bad enough they can & will get that too. I can promise you that.

Ilovemysonjj

GM, I am sending over big hugs and prayers for your peace of mind. Calls from our children who sound in distress are so hard! I remember some wonderful advice one of the SR Moms gave me. She said that many times, our A's will paint a grim picture, but as soon as they hang up, they go on about their lives. We take on this horrible burden of worry, guilt, fear , you name it and THEY continue in their life without those feelings. I think sending food would be a wonderful gesture.
Hugs to you GM!
TT

needingabreak

So sorry you are going through this. You are doing the right thing by not helping. She made these choices and now has the consequences. Hopefully it will make her rethink how she is living her life. I know how hard it is to wait it out but in the long run you really are helping her by not enabling. Take care of yourself please. Praying things turn around for you. Big gentle hugs to you today.

HopefulmomtoD

I'm so sorry Gardenmama. At least they have a roof over their head and one can live quite a while without food (and 6 miles isn't that far to walk if they had to). Let them feel the pain from their horrendous choices.

GardenMama

Thank you all so much. I sure needed your support & affirmation that I am doing the right thing.
Thanks to you especially DecBaby--your words give me hope on many levels.
I will think about sending a care package of food only.
The reminder about how emotionally manipulative and resourceful addicts are is something I need to keep in mind always. She even told me in the text asking for food that "they are sober." That's hard for me to believe. If so, I know more will be revealed.
Thanks again, dear SR family.

Txhelp

Gardenmama....distress calls are the worse. Especially when it's their health or they are scared! UGH!

I try to remember "the dog is not that skinny!" It comes from my thread in which my daughter was making a distress call/text regarding her situation and said that her dog was skinny. The poster (Anvil?) said..."the dog is not that skinny!" It was funny because we know they are manipulative and know how to touch our soft spots.

Guess what? She came home, a few days later, to drop off the dog prior to a hospital stay. The dog wasn't skinny at all. She was normal sized.

Decbaby reminds me of why I sometimes attend naranon and alanon meetings with my husband. It reminds me that I am doing the right thing as a mom.

Jend719

Welcome. I'm the mom of an addict also. I've gotten the "I'm hungry, I'm cold" phone call/text many, many times. I remember one phone call specifically...she wanted money for "food". I told her I had no cash on me she could come and get some food from our house. I had just made a beautiful dinner. I told her I could send also some bread and peanut butter, soup etc. She insisted that a check would be better. I knew for sure then, that it wasn't that she was hungry. It's very distressing as a mom to hear these things. They can be so manipulative.you're doing the right thing.

MamaCas

Gardenmama, about the distress call...I'm on the other side. Watching someone else's child manipulate them from 100 miles away. When he was supposedly "living in his car" he was really staying at his dealer's house. His parents would send restaurant or grocery store gift cards and he would sell them for drugs. I can't judge them though. I was guilty of being manipulated by his sad stories too. Now, he's out there somewhere never paying a dime in support for his son yet he ALWAYS has plenty of minutes on his phone, a red bull, and a pack of cigarettes. They do what they want...for themselves.

DecBaby

I'm glad those words helped some of you. They are the most sincere words I can ever write. I think a care package of food would be a nice idea. Addicts are tough, smart, resourceful and manipulative. They will be ok.

Ann

Gardenmama, when I would feel bad about my son's living conditions and circumstances, it helped to remind myself that he KNOWS where help is and if he can find drugs, he can find help.

Keeping your family in my prayers. God can do for our children what we cannot. Let's keep the faith that He will.

Hugs