Missmae4

After completing a detox/rehab program in July, my husband has been clean since yesterday. A little back story: we are married a year and a half. His addiction to Percocet took a major toll on our marriage for the first year... He stole basically everything from me (hundreds in cash, our wedding money, my bank account, jewelry, belongings from my family and his) and lied until he was blue in the face about it all. When he went into rehab I was 7 months pregnant.

After looking at our bank statements today I put two and two together and realized that he had spent money in locations where he didn't say he was. At first he denied it but with minimal prodding he admitted to relapsing. I understand that relapse is almost expected and is a part of the recovery process. I also understand that his behaviors are his and are not a reflection of me, my worth, our son, etc. However, there have been so many events that have happened between his rehab trip in July and now to continue to breakdown my trust in him. He is basically withholding information from me and coming clean after the fact when he is remorseful, self-deprecating, etc. which makes me doubt whether his remorse is genuine or just part of this vicious cycle.

I don't know my role in his relapse. I want to yell and scream at him. I want to ask what's wrong with him and why are our baby son and I not enough to live a clean and honest life. But I know this is not the way. Do I push him to go back into counseling? Do I stand by and let him make his own choices? Do I "rule with an iron fist" and demand to constantly know his whereabouts? I feel like I'm already constantly towing such a tight line of deciding when to call him on actions and when to trust him.

I love my husband so much and want to do whatever I can to help him through this but I am afraid that if I am too "easy" on him I will just be enabling. He is truly a kind-hearted, like able, love able, good person who has been affected by this demon. I feel confident that he WANTS to live a clean and healthy life but I'm getting weary in standing by him on this journey and it is just beginning. What do I do to help him and me cope and move on in the journey of sobriety?

Ruby2

I feel your pain. I was in your shoes nine years ago. Pregnant with my first child, a son. Husband relapsed. Stole everything, disappeared at nights. took Money out of the bank. Sold all the power tools. Nine years later he has cycled in and out between periods of recovery, and relapse, recovery and relapse. Nine years. Over the course of time my wedding ring has been pawned. His wedding ring has been pawned. Nothing is sacred when an addict needs money to use.

You can love him but you can't control him or his use. If you try, if you insist on knowing where he is at all times, you will only make yourself miserable. I have learned that the hard way. If he is actively using his drug is more important than you or your son. That sounds harsh but it is true. He will lie to you about where he is or what he is doing. He probably loves you and your son but the drug will always come first.

Take care of yourself and your son. Physically, emotionally and financially. Come here and learn. If he is using it is only going to get worse. You have already experienced the stealing and lying.

Yelling and screaming. Ultimatums. Begging. None of that works and I said, will only make you crazy. I have done it all and then some. it didnt work. Enabling is "here is twenty dollars to buy your drugs." Or "I will drive you to wherever you buy your drugs so that you can buy them." By not yelling or trying to fix, manage or control your husband and his use you are not being "soft" on him. You are taking care to not make yourself crazy.

This is a great place for support. Welcome.

Ruby2

And detach, detach, detach. Every time my husband used he would be remorseful. Didn't want to live this way. Wanted to be clean and sober until the next time he used. Take care of yourself. You are not responsible for taking care of him. He is an adult.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Missmae

I'm glad you found us - you'll find a lot of support and experience here, and in our Family and Friends forums, from people who've been there.

D

sugarbear1

Have you tried Al Anon or Naranon?

Anna

Try to keep the focus on you and your child. I hope that you can find some peace.

Missmae4

I have not tried Alanon or Naranon but definitely think I should. I need some sort of help with coping. I think this group is a good starting point but I'm sure meetings would really help too. I guess I'm having a hard time setting up boundaries. I don't know what I'm willing to tolerate or not. Well that's not true. I know I will not tolerate drugs in the house or being on drugs while anywhere near the baby. I guess that's a good starting place. I'm not ready to give up on him yet. I feel so sad today. Thankfully, I have the baby to keep me grounded and positive. I'm just scared to death of where this will lead as this is the first relapse (that I know of). He plans to keep going to meetings and sounds like he wants to stay on the straight path but I don't know if it's just talk. I guess I just have to wait and see?

EverySngleNight

Hi MissMae. Welcome to SR. So much good advice here. I'm not sure if you have a therapist or counselor, but you could probably really benefit from having some real world support too. It's never a bad thing to have guidance. Are your family or friends aware of what's going on with your husband? I hate to think of you going through this with your baby, all alone.

Sending my best.

Missmae4

Thanks, Everysinglenught. I don't have a counselor at the moment. We are between insurance carriers. New benefits start in a month and I'd like to find one then. My family and his are aware as is one of my friend's whose brother is also an addict. They are unaware of his relapse. I don't want to tell my parents because I know they will worry themselves sick. His parents have been complete enablers (allowing him to hide it from me, etc) so I don't tell them anything really. In any case, I feel like I have a good support system but I know it is not the same as professional level support.

Thanks to everyone for the support. I'm already learning a thing or two to help me cope.

least

Welcome to the family. Do take a look at the friends and family link Dee provided. You'll find a lot of insight there.