olblueeyes

Hi. I'm new to the forum and looking for some advice. My daughter-in-law recently got out of a rehab program but has not continued with meetings. My son and their young children have been living with me for several months. My DIL is living with her relatives and has not shown any interest in her children and very little in my son, although she has said she wants them to find an apartment together. My son has told her he will not do that until she is in a 12 step program and finds a job. In the meantime he has become very dependent on me for help with the kids and some financial support. Neither one of them show any motivation to change the situation, and I see this dragging on indefinitely. My question is, how much "help" should I give? Am I enabling this to continue if I let them live with me and take care of the kids? I am concerned about what is happening to my grandchildren in all of this.

Raider

Ouch! I guess if you continue to support them, why would they be motivated to leave? Your concern for your Grandchildren is understandable. They will be the ones that suffer. I'm sure someone has some advice for you. Good luck and blessings to you

YearForMe

Set a move out date and stick to it.

It doesn't matter if it's 1 month or 6 months from now
and doesn't matter if they do it together or apart.

You can still offer some support after move out...babysitting, school pick up
etc.

They have already been there for several months. A few more and then that's it.
You need to get on with your own life and they need to get on with theirs.

If they do not move back in together....maybe your son will qualify for discounted child care, free school lunches....things like that.....has he checked into that?

Hawkeye13

I agree with this totally. You have your own life, and her addiction is no reason to become a permanent financial support / baby sitter / housing provider for your son or his kids.

Don't bluff this--say it and mean it or nothing will happen.
Good luck--they are lucky to have you

olblueeyes

Thanks everyone for your help. It will be hard to put my foot down and stick to it, especially with the grandkids involved. My DIL has been very neglectful as a parent. I attributed this to the drug problem, but she has been ignoring these kids even after finishing rehab. My son tries, but he is "all thumbs" when it comes to childcare. That is what worries me. But I know if I let this go on nothing will change, so I will have to do it.

hopeful4

You know, I know some dads who I thought would really struggle during "their" time with the kids. What I have found in many of the dads is once given the opportunity, they really can and will step up. Sometimes they just need a gentle push.

Hugs to you!

AnvilheadII

you really are an angel to take your son and his kids in as you have. but i'm glad to read that you are thinking this arrangement MUST be temporary as its not your job to provide for your grown son and HIS kids. i agree that a set move out date is in order....like on the calendar circled in red so nobody can say I Didn't Know!

something i'm wondering...when you said your son is all thumbs with childcare...how much of that is true clueless/new to this stuff and how much of it is "i'll act helpless and mom will take over for me"? the full grown man known as my husband is EXTREMELY capable in many arenas....until i walk in the door or room! then it's oh, honey, can you help me <<this>> or can you do <<that>>? things he was going to do himself til he saw me. why do for oneself if one can get someone else to do it instead???

between now and the move out you could do you best to teach/train/guide your son in matters of childcare...then you will also rest assured knowing you did your very best to send him on his way with the skills needed. dads raise kids all the time!

Vale

Hey Anvil,
What are you doing? Letting the oldest
(highly classified!!!!) husband trick out of
the bag!?!?

(Feigning incompetence to get the other
party to say....." just go over there and let
me do it")

You will be hearing from the international
husband protective consortium if you persist
in revealing highly proprietary/secret information

Look what happened to Snowden!

9111111

Hey oelblueyes, wow that's very nice of your to help your son and kids out, but also a lot of weight to carry on your shoulders.

Is there any counselling/ al-anon / church groups available to you, the kids and your son? Sounds like you are all going through a lot of stuff and crushed hopes right now.

My heart goes out to you and the kids -coming to terms with the fact that it wasn't the drugs that kept mom from being a mom, yet has nothing to do with the kids not being lovable enough must be hard on them.

Please keep posting, lots of great advice here.