catlady14

So this might be a little strange, but my XABF literally had no friend most of them died or lived in other states or had families and he isnt super close to his family, his parents live across the country, so while living with him it often felt like i was the only true friend or "family" he had. Well within the next few weeks, he'll be going to jail and part of me wonders whether I should visit him on his birthday or even at all? But then I think about the fact that he was mean and said hurtful things while using, and i know hes still using, but i dont know. I recently left him because he kicked me out without warning, but i still have very strong feelings for him right now... any advice?

cynical one

Most people who have no friends and are estranged from their families are that way because they have said or done mean or hurtful things to them.

Jails are filthy, be sure to take hand sanitizer or sanitizing wipes especially if you have to talk to him on a phone through glass.

This may be of interest to you:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-say-jail.html

hopeful4

In my opinion, jail is a consequence. You get yourself there for a reason. Will he suffer? Most likely. Is that a good thing, quite likely. Jail is a punishment. I don't think that a person who has treated you in that way deserves visits in jail. I know it sounds harsh, but there it is. Take what you want and leave the rest.

In the mean time, you are obviously still having alot of feelings about this, what can you to do help yourself get over this? Seek meetings or even a counselor to help you.

Good Luck!

catlady14

Ya like i just started counseling yesterday and my first nar anon meeting is tonite, so hopefully i will get more insight over the next few weeks and months

hopeful4

Good for you. Glad to hear you are taking these positive steps for you. Sometimes it helps to be away with no contact from that person.

Do not be trapped by guilt when you did nothing to feel guilty for!

catlady14

Yeah im trying not to feel any guilt, but right now im feeling really depressed. My mind keeps replaying all the happy memories and im trying to remind myself that it was a very unhealthy, toxic relationship.

hopeful4

Yes, it is hard to let go of the happy memories. But remember, you are missing the idea of him, not who he actually turned into.

Good Luck!

EnglishGarden

With addicts, many of us have a compulsion to mother them. We see them as wounded, lost, abandoned, when they are experiencing consequences, as if they were strays we need to rescue.

If you still feel connected to him, that is how things are for you today.

But it is so vital that you work your way out of the illusions about him and about the relationship. The counseling can help you do that, but it could take a while. In the meantime, if I were you, I would consider myself a bit unhinged and unable to make choices for my own good, and I would rely on advice from people with a more objective view of things.

My vote is that you do not visit him.

atalose

I think it should have read - I didn't want to leave him but he wanted to continue doing his drugs and needed me out of his way.

This is the same mean guy who puts drugs first and cares nothing about you or your feelings...............why are you giving him so much power over you?

Why are you being so selfish to think "you are his only" no freinds or family except you and that should mean something to him.......

You continue to try and hold onto someone who is YELLING he doesn't want to be held............he doesn't want to stop doing drugs, this is his chosen life no matter how you try and donvince yourself other wise.

You were doing so good in letting him go but now you are wanting to be his only again and visiting him in jail...............what's going on in your life that would make going to visit a person who has hurt you, abused you and pretty much has told you they no longer want you in their lives........pain and hurt from a relationship ending?

catlady14

Thats true, i really havent given myself enough time to help and my mind is all kinds of twisted right now. This is the first "breakup" ive had in a long time, and the first time ive ever dealt with an alcoholic cocaine user, so its even harder.

AnvilheadII

I recently left him because he kicked me out without warning

actually he kicked you out and then you had no choice but to leave. he "evicted" you from his life and without any grace or dignity. now you are future tripping about what might happen and what you should or should not do........for poor little him.

why do you suppose it IS he doesn't have many "friends"? could it be because he's a self absorbed jerk and more concerned with smoking dope than anything else? he had no problem finding a host of women to "share" his dope with. bringing them into the home you shared. i'm not sure how much clearer the message needs to be??

he is exactly where he is by his own choices over time. he got a DUI for driving while intoxicated, which could have had tragic consequences. but now, after all that has transpired, you are considering going to VISIT the same man who has treated you so horribly. THINK about what that message would say....it's ok to treat me like crap, i'll take it and come back for more.

catlady14

Thank you!!

atalose

What makes the alcoholic - concaine user different with this break up? What runs through your mind?

catlady14

Just the fact that ya we're over but i worry about thevthings hes doing to his body and he has children and i dont know what to do as far as theyre concerned

cynical one

Does he have custody of the children, is their mother in the picture?

deeker

I agree with some that they should face their consequences. They may not change without it but again I hate to see someone feel hopeless and no chance of being loved. So I am torn.

catlady14

he sees the kids every wknd and his ex wife has them during the week

cynical one

So you really don't have to DO anything about the children. I would think their mother would take care of them on the weekends too while he's incarcerated.

catlady14

true but i know he was using while they were here last wknd and what if he comes out of jail and starts using againn, is it still none of my business?

AnvilheadII

what actions did YOU take when you were with him and he had his children and was using?