wholelottarosie

After yet another fall out Friday when I finally snapped with my xabf's drinking and I told him what its like for me and his response was yet again to tell me to F off I am on day 6 of no contact. He hasn't contacted me and I have no desire to contact him as his addiction is in full control and my nice bf is nowhere to be seen (missing for 6 weeks and over xmas which I spent with addict bf). What made me snap was as he was swigging beer he said he was going back to AA Monday after a year away. I didn't say anything as Ive heard it all before so he chuntered a bit. Anyway Ive been keeping busy and find myself relieved that I no longer have to be disappointed and let down, be lied to, have things hidden from me, listen to his self pity and angry outbursts at everyone and everything, no more dread when I go round wondering what ill be walking into, no more watching what I say and on and on. We went away for a few days after xmas-Id told him the week before that id like to spend xmas and time away with my actual boyfriend-he said he wouldn't drink if I didn't want him to. I left the decision to him and of course he did drink. We had a tin for savings for our trip-not a lot of money but he had been at it with tweezers to get some out when he was skint and needed beer. It took him 4 days to tell me about it. Just something else he couldn't be trusted with. The more time that passes the easier it gets. Yes I miss my nice boyfriend but its been a long while since ive seen the nice him. We stopped going out because he was forever trying to get back on track with his money-would be sober for a couple of weeks-get some money saved then blow it all on binges. He is behind with his rent and bills and now hes lost his amazing girlfriend. I wondered if anyone else could relate? missing the nice but knowing you've done the right thing?

Katiekate

Yes, I missed the nice at times, until I realized he was one whole package and the not nice was playing the leading role.

SCAN2CROW

I do miss my amazing ex. He was smart and I looked up to him. He could fix anything with a screwdriver and spit. Unfortunately he no longer exists he has died in a sea of alcohol and drugs, I just don't have a body to bury but I grieve just the same.

April1968

Hi Rosie,

I just want to say that after two years of being separated from my STBXAH I have tried and failed so many times and on so many levels to stay away and have no contact but sadly have just kept on being pulled back for reasons I am slowly figuring out!
Each time I have gone back, nothing has changed and I have got hurt all over again for one reason or another (usually verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, control, deceit, infidelity.....need I go on??!!!) and even this week it has happened again!
However, I have finally woken up to the fact that no matter what

April1968

**Sorry hit post by mistake!** All new to me!!

Cont...
I say or do, nothing has changed where he is concerned and sad to say I dont think it ever will because of that old thing called 'denial'!
Far be it for me to tell you what to do; it is not my place and ultimately from my own experience you will do what you feel is best anyway. BUT for me personally I wish to hell I had stayed away and kept stayed away all that time ago as going back has done nothing but damage me emotionally!
As hard as it is, sometimes you just have to give in and get out!!
Good luck and stay strong!
x

wholelottarosie

They are like an addition? You know they are bad for you...the initial'high' of them making a long awaited effort followed by weeks of suffering. ...

April1968

Funny, I don't see my ex as an addiction anymore (I think he was once) and actually wonder what I ever saw in him in the first place now!! (I had contact this week only via text and purely for the divorce but he even messed that up and caused problems) I havent seen him in about five months now and dont miss that at all! Not seeing them makes it so much easier!
It is all about control on their part, I see that now, finally, and eventually by staying away you will gain that control back and start to focus on you again!
It takes time, give it time and be gentle with yourself!
x

spiderqueen

Hi Wholelottarosie,
I just wanted to second the sentiment above... I have not seen my xABF in 6 months now. I do still think of him, and miss the man I loved and lost.

My advice is: When you get to missing him, and you will, it is crucial to remember the reality of the relationship, which in my case was, no matter how nice things were they would always fall apart around his drinking. He was not able to sustain a loving partnership, and I could no longer get by on crumbs.

Stay strong, remember the truth of the situation, and definitely avoid any contact if you can. That is the best way to heal and move on.

Take care,
(((hugs))) from across the ocean

wholelottarosie

Crumbs, that pretty much sums it up. His daughter messaged me last night-his family have endured all this for all their lives and worse. She was sorry we broke up-so is his mum. Strangely my family and friends aren't sorry at all and think ive done the right thing which I think says it all. Day 7 today-feeling stronger by the minute. It truly is his loss and tonight Im going out for a boogie with my good friend, minus my phone just in case. Hes ruined enough Friday nights for me. Looking forward to enjoying myself for the first time in a while

Needforhappy

I just went no contact about an hour ago with my alcoholic/drug-addict boyfriend. This is my first attempt and I hope I succeed. I blocked him from my cellphone and my email and my Facebook after leaving him a voicemail message in the form of a goodbye...because he would not answer his telephone after breaking up with me today via text message after a year-and-a-half of dating. And what a roller-coaster ride it has been. After gut wrenching tears and lengthy conversation with a close friend, I decided that I have to finally get him out of my life once and for all. I've broken up with him many times but I cannot seem to stay away. There are parts of him I love; and times I've spent with him have been like no other time with a man. And there are parts of him I hate; he has put me in dangerous situations and has proved to me more than once that I am not the priority in his life; despite his words that say otherwise. This is the first time he's ever broken up with me, using my own words to him from past break-ups to tell me he wants to take a break from our relationship: "we are not a couple. we are not truly a part of each other's lives". He is correct - because a couple cannot be a couple when alcohol/drugs are the 3rd party to the relationship; but I am sure that is not what he meant. Even though I have no evidence, I am certain he has a new girl, because I can't imagine him leaving me to be alone. I am sick and sad and exhausted. But its time I get my life back. I miss my old happy self. I am proud of myself for blocking him from contacting me. As I said, I hope I can stick with it.

wholelottarosie

(((Hugs)))

Brolynbub

This is so true...
When he's nice he treats me like a princess..the problem is the last time that happened was over 4 months ago...I get glimpses of the man I fell in love with, but the bad nasty alcoholic who treats me like I'm lower than **** on his feet is ever present.
Once my Xap is out of the house I'll be doing no contact too.

wholelottarosie

I feel waa tonight. I'm on day ....well its 4 weeks so early days still (has it only been 32 days...feels like ages!) Mostly I take good care of myself-write my diary, talk to friends, meditate, read on here, started the steps, treat myself to small things, eat well, counselling apt in place and all that but now and again a negative wave washes over me and It takes all my energy to swim out of it again and get back on the positive wave. Mostly I know Ive done the right thing, that my life is going to be much happier and better without him, that I wasn't going to be let down anymore by him or feel like a gooseberry to him and his beer. But like tonight I feel such an injustice has been done to me and I feel so cheated and then I get impatient with myself for not 'getting over it' faster. Tomorrow is another day.
Brolynbub-when is he leaving?