The Truth - Never hurt anyone ? Wrong
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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The Truth - Never hurt anyone ? Wrong
So lets say you are a near hopeless case, like I was, who had managed to be drink free for 22 days, this time and your Wife asks you, "what did you do with the empty bottles of wine ?"
Now, you might be gullable enough to tell the truth as I did. You might think that they would appreciate the fact that you are a reformed character that is sick and tired of lying through your teeth and decide, as I did to come clean and tell her.
"I hid them all around around the house, under floor board, behind bookshelves anywhere, where I believed she would not find them".
Sound simple doesnt it, telling the truth. After all isnt the saying, the truth never hurt anyone. Well it bloody has now. I spent the night in doghouse and at this moment I am enduring the silent treatment.
The truth does hurt. I would of been better off saying, I put them in the recycling bin and lied through my teeth and that would have been the end of it.
Nooooo I had to tell the truth, like a chop. Upsetting her, causing an almighty argument in the process and now subjugated to sorrys and I love yous for the next few days.
Will I drink because of this set back, no of course not. It crossed my mine for about 10 seconds but no, I will not drink.
Take my advice fellow recoverers, when your partner or anyone else for that matter that you care about, asks you a question regarding your drinking. Lie
The truth sucks. Big time.
Now, you might be gullable enough to tell the truth as I did. You might think that they would appreciate the fact that you are a reformed character that is sick and tired of lying through your teeth and decide, as I did to come clean and tell her.
"I hid them all around around the house, under floor board, behind bookshelves anywhere, where I believed she would not find them".
Sound simple doesnt it, telling the truth. After all isnt the saying, the truth never hurt anyone. Well it bloody has now. I spent the night in doghouse and at this moment I am enduring the silent treatment.
The truth does hurt. I would of been better off saying, I put them in the recycling bin and lied through my teeth and that would have been the end of it.
Nooooo I had to tell the truth, like a chop. Upsetting her, causing an almighty argument in the process and now subjugated to sorrys and I love yous for the next few days.
Will I drink because of this set back, no of course not. It crossed my mine for about 10 seconds but no, I will not drink.
Take my advice fellow recoverers, when your partner or anyone else for that matter that you care about, asks you a question regarding your drinking. Lie
The truth sucks. Big time.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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I disagree Autan.
If you had lied, sometime somehow the truth would probably have come out...and made all the worse by the fact you lied to cover it up.
Even if it didn't ever come out, I think you're a good and honourable guy and that guilty secret would have eaten at you.
Now everything's out in the open.
Yeah you're in the doghouse but it's not for something you didn't do.
Your wife is mad because you tried to hide things from her. Lying to hide more things is not the way to make this right, man
We have to take responsibility for the things we've done. It hurts now but it's done.
You have a level foundation to rebuild something on now.
Sometimes telling the truth hurts, but lying hurts more.
I have 20 years of evidence and two broken relationships to show for my lying.
D
If you had lied, sometime somehow the truth would probably have come out...and made all the worse by the fact you lied to cover it up.
Even if it didn't ever come out, I think you're a good and honourable guy and that guilty secret would have eaten at you.
Now everything's out in the open.
Yeah you're in the doghouse but it's not for something you didn't do.
Your wife is mad because you tried to hide things from her. Lying to hide more things is not the way to make this right, man
We have to take responsibility for the things we've done. It hurts now but it's done.
You have a level foundation to rebuild something on now.
Sometimes telling the truth hurts, but lying hurts more.
I have 20 years of evidence and two broken relationships to show for my lying.
D
Last edited by Dee74; 01-23-2014 at 02:15 AM.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Yes, she will come around. It is hard for the other half to understand and they take it personally. What if you try to explain it was the shame and guilt of your illness that made you hide the bottles, not her. She has to heal the same as you. Good luck. I'm sure it will work out, just give her time. xxxxx
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I take on board, what you all say. But I do feel that if I was to come clean about everything I had done or at least remember, she wouldn't be my Wife for long, if you get what I mean. Sometimes a little lie to spare someones feelings isn't such a bad thing. I think we will have to disagree on this one.
She will come around, but I a little bit of trust that had been earned from the past 3 weeks has been eroded.
She will come around, but I a little bit of trust that had been earned from the past 3 weeks has been eroded.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 668
I don't think you need to come clean about everything you've done...the past is the past and best left there. It won't do either you, your wife, or your marriage any good if you bring up all the diet from the past. Move on...
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Originally Posted by autan 
I take on board, what you all say. But I do feel that if I was to come clean about everything I had done or at least remember, she wouldn't be my Wife for long, if you get what I mean. Sometimes a little lie to spare someones feelings isn't such a bad thing. I think we will have to disagree on this one.
She will come around, but I a little bit of trust that had been earned from the past 3 weeks has been eroded.
She will come around, but I a little bit of trust that had been earned from the past 3 weeks has been eroded.
Don't know if you're in AA or not, but you might already know that part of a 12 step program is to make ammends. It's the 9th step, and most agree that it shouldn't get done until the other 8 steps are completed. By that time we've usually accumulated a fair amount of sober time, have changed a lot of our behavior, and the people close to us have begun to view us differently. They know that we mean business, and this time is not like all the other failed attempts. Your wife's reaction IMO came much from the fact that you're still very early in the game. Most people here I think would however agree that with this one particular issue, you did the right thing. That probably isn't true for the other things you're contemplating coming clean on. I would absolutely not even consider opening up about other stuff until you've accumulated some solid sober time, and thoroughly discussed them with someone else. And preferably someone who's got experience in cleaning up their wreckage. In the 12 steps it says we make ammends ONLY when to do so would not injure the person we're making ammends to, or others. Telling a spouse you cheated or anything of that nature does not generally fall into that category (meaning it WILL most likely hurt the other person). For that kind of thing it's best to make some sort of silent ammends, like really being there for them in ways we neglected in the past.
I think ya did the right thing this time, and will benefit in the long run. I'd keep mum on the other things for now.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Originally Posted by Joe Nerv
I've a feeling so long as you stay sober, it will be the opposite. Telling the truth builds trust. Continuing to lie, doesn't.
Don't know if you're in AA or not, but you might already know that part of a 12 step program is to make ammends. It's the 9th step, and most agree that it shouldn't get done until the other 8 steps are completed. By that time we've usually accumulated a fair amount of sober time, have changed a lot of our behavior, and the people close to us have begun to view us differently. They know that we mean business, and this time is not like all the other failed attempts. Your wife's reaction IMO came much from the fact that you're still very early in the game. Most people here I think would however agree that with this one particular issue, you did the right thing. That probably isn't true for the other things you're contemplating coming clean on. I would absolutely not even consider opening up about other stuff until you've accumulated some solid sober time, and thoroughly discussed them with someone else. And preferably someone who's got experience in cleaning up their wreckage. In the 12 steps it says we make ammends ONLY when to do so would not injure the person we're making ammends to, or others. Telling a spouse you cheated or anything of that nature does not generally fall into that category (meaning it WILL most likely hurt the other person). For that kind of thing it's best to make some sort of silent ammends, like really being there for them in ways we neglected in the past.
I think ya did the right thing this time, and will benefit in the long run. I'd keep mum on the other things for now.
Don't know if you're in AA or not, but you might already know that part of a 12 step program is to make ammends. It's the 9th step, and most agree that it shouldn't get done until the other 8 steps are completed. By that time we've usually accumulated a fair amount of sober time, have changed a lot of our behavior, and the people close to us have begun to view us differently. They know that we mean business, and this time is not like all the other failed attempts. Your wife's reaction IMO came much from the fact that you're still very early in the game. Most people here I think would however agree that with this one particular issue, you did the right thing. That probably isn't true for the other things you're contemplating coming clean on. I would absolutely not even consider opening up about other stuff until you've accumulated some solid sober time, and thoroughly discussed them with someone else. And preferably someone who's got experience in cleaning up their wreckage. In the 12 steps it says we make ammends ONLY when to do so would not injure the person we're making ammends to, or others. Telling a spouse you cheated or anything of that nature does not generally fall into that category (meaning it WILL most likely hurt the other person). For that kind of thing it's best to make some sort of silent ammends, like really being there for them in ways we neglected in the past.
I think ya did the right thing this time, and will benefit in the long run. I'd keep mum on the other things for now.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Originally Posted by Joe Nerv
I've a feeling so long as you stay sober, it will be the opposite. Telling the truth builds trust. Continuing to lie, doesn't.
Don't know if you're in AA or not, but you might already know that part of a 12 step program is to make ammends. It's the 9th step, and most agree that it shouldn't get done until the other 8 steps are completed. By that time we've usually accumulated a fair amount of sober time, have changed a lot of our behavior, and the people close to us have begun to view us differently. They know that we mean business, and this time is not like all the other failed attempts. Your wife's reaction IMO came much from the fact that you're still very early in the game. Most people here I think would however agree that with this one particular issue, you did the right thing. That probably isn't true for the other things you're contemplating coming clean on. I would absolutely not even consider opening up about other stuff until you've accumulated some solid sober time, and thoroughly discussed them with someone else. And preferably someone who's got experience in cleaning up their wreckage. In the 12 steps it says we make ammends ONLY when to do so would not injure the person we're making ammends to, or others. Telling a spouse you cheated or anything of that nature does not generally fall into that category (meaning it WILL most likely hurt the other person). For that kind of thing it's best to make some sort of silent ammends, like really being there for them in ways we neglected in the past.
I think ya did the right thing this time, and will benefit in the long run. I'd keep mum on the other things for now.
Don't know if you're in AA or not, but you might already know that part of a 12 step program is to make ammends. It's the 9th step, and most agree that it shouldn't get done until the other 8 steps are completed. By that time we've usually accumulated a fair amount of sober time, have changed a lot of our behavior, and the people close to us have begun to view us differently. They know that we mean business, and this time is not like all the other failed attempts. Your wife's reaction IMO came much from the fact that you're still very early in the game. Most people here I think would however agree that with this one particular issue, you did the right thing. That probably isn't true for the other things you're contemplating coming clean on. I would absolutely not even consider opening up about other stuff until you've accumulated some solid sober time, and thoroughly discussed them with someone else. And preferably someone who's got experience in cleaning up their wreckage. In the 12 steps it says we make ammends ONLY when to do so would not injure the person we're making ammends to, or others. Telling a spouse you cheated or anything of that nature does not generally fall into that category (meaning it WILL most likely hurt the other person). For that kind of thing it's best to make some sort of silent ammends, like really being there for them in ways we neglected in the past.
I think ya did the right thing this time, and will benefit in the long run. I'd keep mum on the other things for now.
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Originally Posted by autan
Sometimes a little lie to spare someones feelings isn't such a bad thing. I think we will have to disagree on this one.
She will come around, but I a little bit of trust that had been earned from the past 3 weeks has been eroded.
She will come around, but I a little bit of trust that had been earned from the past 3 weeks has been eroded.
There's a difference there...
My first long term relationship was brilliant in every respect but one - all the time I was hiding the extent of my drinking and drug taking.
When the mask slipped one night, it all came out...her trust was shattered and so were we as a couple - not because I was an addict and alcoholic but because I hadn't trusted her enough to let her know. She'd shared all her secrets with me - stuff noone else knew...but I didn't let her in...I deceived her and she felt I made her look a fool.
With the hindsight of 15 odd years, it's hard to disagree with any of that.
I'm not accusing you of anything Autan, cos naturally I dunno what the dynamic is in your marriage... but I thought the point needed to be made
I'll leave it there
D
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Originally Posted by Dee74
A white lie to spare someone else's feelings is one thing autan - but to spare us from taking responsibility? not so much.
There's a difference there...
My first long term relationship was brilliant in every respect but one - all the time I was hiding the extent of my drinking and drug taking.
When the mask slipped one night, it all came out...her trust was shattered and so were we as a couple - not because I was an addict and alcoholic but because I hadn't trusted her enough to let her know. She'd shared all her secrets with me - stuff noone else knew...but I didn't let her in...I deceived her and she felt I made her look a fool.
With the hindsight of 15 odd years, it's hard to disagree with any of that.
I'm not accusing you of anything Autan, cos naturally I dunno what the dynamic is in your marriage... but I thought the point needed to be made
I'll leave it there
D
There's a difference there...
My first long term relationship was brilliant in every respect but one - all the time I was hiding the extent of my drinking and drug taking.
When the mask slipped one night, it all came out...her trust was shattered and so were we as a couple - not because I was an addict and alcoholic but because I hadn't trusted her enough to let her know. She'd shared all her secrets with me - stuff noone else knew...but I didn't let her in...I deceived her and she felt I made her look a fool.
With the hindsight of 15 odd years, it's hard to disagree with any of that.
I'm not accusing you of anything Autan, cos naturally I dunno what the dynamic is in your marriage... but I thought the point needed to be made
I'll leave it there
D
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 339
The truth is always a good discussion. Lies came so easy to me when I was drinking. It became part of me. Funny thing that as I drank more and more the lies did not add up. Go figure! My wife knew she could no longer trust a damn thing that came out of my mouth. It will take awhile to get that trust back. Even today, when I get home a little late she has that "look". Husbands know "that look". The ol' furry eye ball. I did that! My years of drinking did that! Lying now is just taking a step back.
Does she know every detail of my drinking days, NO. She knows the big stuff and I leave it there.
I also hid my bottles. I told my wife, partly because it was the right thing to do and partly because I did not remember where I hid them all :-)
Does she know every detail of my drinking days, NO. She knows the big stuff and I leave it there.
I also hid my bottles. I told my wife, partly because it was the right thing to do and partly because I did not remember where I hid them all :-)
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
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In its own way, the lying I did while drinking, that I did to be able to continue to drink the way I wanted to drink, was every bit as destructive as the drinking itself. When I drink, I am at the very least also a liar.
As Joe says, there's a reason why the Steps are written to be done in specific order. We make amends to those we've harmed when we're ready to make them -- "spiritually fit," as the Big Book says -- whether they accept them or not.
Had my ex not thrown me out before I got sober, and had she asked certain questions about my behavior while I was drinking, I'm certain I would have feigned a heart attack.
As Joe says, there's a reason why the Steps are written to be done in specific order. We make amends to those we've harmed when we're ready to make them -- "spiritually fit," as the Big Book says -- whether they accept them or not.
Had my ex not thrown me out before I got sober, and had she asked certain questions about my behavior while I was drinking, I'm certain I would have feigned a heart attack.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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the lies we tell others become the lies we tell ourselves and perpetuate our alcoholism.
you did the right thing.
facing the consequences of our actions when we are honest is not the same thing as "being hurt by the truth".
Or maybe it is.... but it's not justification to lie. The truth will allow you to heal the far bigger wounds that underpin your addiction.
you did the right thing.
facing the consequences of our actions when we are honest is not the same thing as "being hurt by the truth".
Or maybe it is.... but it's not justification to lie. The truth will allow you to heal the far bigger wounds that underpin your addiction.
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