Hello! Newbie here!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: NJ
Posts: 10
Hello! Newbie here!!
Hello Everyone,
So, I found this site last week and have been voraciously reading everything my lil paws can click on! I'm a female mental health therapist that does not specialize in addictions. However, I've come to realize that I'm also codependent and my wife of 4 years, together for 8, is a raging alcoholic.
I've decided that I can no longer take the verbal abuse, lying, sloppy drinking, blackouts, passing out in random locations of the house, and cheating texts anymore. I've decided, helped along by my own therapy, that I deserve more! I will be 36 next month and she is 39. She makes more then double what I make and has uses her money to control me throughout the entirety of our relationship.
Is this normal for alcoholics? She has preyed on my emotions and innate empathy and kindness in order so that she may have the "power and control." She was scared to death of ending up like her parents, the mother spending more money faster then daddy can make it and daddy being unable to retire due to the need for more money. As she always took care of me, and always had plenty of money, I never bothered to save and now find myself pretty well in a financial pickle. I will NOT, however, continue to let her control me and stop me from leaving due to finances.
I've moved in with a friend that I've had since the 6th grade. She also makes double what I make. Take note people, therapists are POOR! We do not make much money! I owe damn near my salary in student loans! Anyway, I find myself slipping into self pity and wanting to know what the wife is doing. I stop by the house every day to feed my lizard (its been too cold to transport him, soon as weather breaks I will move him to a friends house) and I see her continuing to drink herself to death! She goes through Huge bottles of absolute every two days!
So, this is some of my story. I know I need to focus on the positive, keep one foot in front of the other, and maintain my boundaries. We have both seen a lawyer and are on the cusp of filing for a divorce. I do not want to return to this marriage, yet I find myself resentful that she caused all of this mess and has the nerve to act self-righteous. She also isn't the "typical" alcoholic. She is very high functioning, has tons of money in the bank (that she decided to close out of my reach the day before christmas...incredibly cruel and disrespectful..and unnecessary as I rarely spent any of that joint money), doesn't obsessively text me, hasn't been begging me to come back. Do you think she is just numb and apathetic?
I don't have personal experiences iwth alcoholism. If I have 4 drinks in a month that is a lot. I much prefer to smoke cigs and herbals. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm rambling on and on and this was just supposed to be a short and sweet, "nice to meet ya."
I feel so confused, but grateful of my clinical experience as I know full well that she has a very very long journey ahead of her, I can't help her do it, I can't control her, and the best thing for me is to just run out the friggin door at this point! Thanks for listening.
I originally put this in the newcomers forum and some lovely people responded (thank you) and suggested I post in this forum. I've been reading this forum like crazy! Nice to meet you all!
So, I found this site last week and have been voraciously reading everything my lil paws can click on! I'm a female mental health therapist that does not specialize in addictions. However, I've come to realize that I'm also codependent and my wife of 4 years, together for 8, is a raging alcoholic.
I've decided that I can no longer take the verbal abuse, lying, sloppy drinking, blackouts, passing out in random locations of the house, and cheating texts anymore. I've decided, helped along by my own therapy, that I deserve more! I will be 36 next month and she is 39. She makes more then double what I make and has uses her money to control me throughout the entirety of our relationship.
Is this normal for alcoholics? She has preyed on my emotions and innate empathy and kindness in order so that she may have the "power and control." She was scared to death of ending up like her parents, the mother spending more money faster then daddy can make it and daddy being unable to retire due to the need for more money. As she always took care of me, and always had plenty of money, I never bothered to save and now find myself pretty well in a financial pickle. I will NOT, however, continue to let her control me and stop me from leaving due to finances.
I've moved in with a friend that I've had since the 6th grade. She also makes double what I make. Take note people, therapists are POOR! We do not make much money! I owe damn near my salary in student loans! Anyway, I find myself slipping into self pity and wanting to know what the wife is doing. I stop by the house every day to feed my lizard (its been too cold to transport him, soon as weather breaks I will move him to a friends house) and I see her continuing to drink herself to death! She goes through Huge bottles of absolute every two days!
So, this is some of my story. I know I need to focus on the positive, keep one foot in front of the other, and maintain my boundaries. We have both seen a lawyer and are on the cusp of filing for a divorce. I do not want to return to this marriage, yet I find myself resentful that she caused all of this mess and has the nerve to act self-righteous. She also isn't the "typical" alcoholic. She is very high functioning, has tons of money in the bank (that she decided to close out of my reach the day before christmas...incredibly cruel and disrespectful..and unnecessary as I rarely spent any of that joint money), doesn't obsessively text me, hasn't been begging me to come back. Do you think she is just numb and apathetic?
I don't have personal experiences iwth alcoholism. If I have 4 drinks in a month that is a lot. I much prefer to smoke cigs and herbals. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm rambling on and on and this was just supposed to be a short and sweet, "nice to meet ya."
I feel so confused, but grateful of my clinical experience as I know full well that she has a very very long journey ahead of her, I can't help her do it, I can't control her, and the best thing for me is to just run out the friggin door at this point! Thanks for listening.
I originally put this in the newcomers forum and some lovely people responded (thank you) and suggested I post in this forum. I've been reading this forum like crazy! Nice to meet you all!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome Inqy.
It sounds like you have come a long ways. If you have been reading here you realize that this is her decision. She has to want recovery and she obviously does not. Addiction like that takes over every single thing in your life eventually. She may be "high functioning" now, but it won't last.
She is not reaching out to you and that is very likely a good thing. I recommend the books Under the Influence and Codependent No More. Really, what is there that she could say? I find alot of people on here want some sort of apology or some big finale. Often it is just not that way. We just get sick of it and move on.
She does have a long journey. Some people have no bottom and never recover. Those are her issues. You cannot help her.
I wish you all the best of luck. Keep posting, you are not alone.
It sounds like you have come a long ways. If you have been reading here you realize that this is her decision. She has to want recovery and she obviously does not. Addiction like that takes over every single thing in your life eventually. She may be "high functioning" now, but it won't last.
She is not reaching out to you and that is very likely a good thing. I recommend the books Under the Influence and Codependent No More. Really, what is there that she could say? I find alot of people on here want some sort of apology or some big finale. Often it is just not that way. We just get sick of it and move on.
She does have a long journey. Some people have no bottom and never recover. Those are her issues. You cannot help her.
I wish you all the best of luck. Keep posting, you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hi Inqy welcome to SR.
So glad you posted. So happy to hear that you have decided to take back the control in your own life and have moved.
Get that lizard out of there asap lol. You asked if what she was doing is normal, oh yes, alcoholics are cruel and manipulative and abusive.
I hope you continue to post here and look at al anon, counseling and getting educated about alcoholism and co dependency. Sounds like you have already gotten started on that.
Again, welcome. Katie
So glad you posted. So happy to hear that you have decided to take back the control in your own life and have moved.
Get that lizard out of there asap lol. You asked if what she was doing is normal, oh yes, alcoholics are cruel and manipulative and abusive.
I hope you continue to post here and look at al anon, counseling and getting educated about alcoholism and co dependency. Sounds like you have already gotten started on that.
Again, welcome. Katie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Hi Inqy, and welcome. You will find from reading on here that the notion of a "high functioning" alcoholic is a misnomer. There aren't different types of alcoholics, they either are or they aren't. It is a progressive disease, so your AW may not be far enough down her path yet for job and money to become an issue. But have no doubt, it will. It's a selfish disease, so she isn't likely to be thinking about what the effect has been on you. A's are masters at manipulation. As was already said, don't expect closure or some kind of coming to terms with it. You will find that you set boundaries and move on, leaving her to her path. I don't know what the laws are where you live, but your lawyer can help you as far as bank accounts etc. You may have a right to alimony, etc.
What are you doing for you? Have you thought about AlAnon? It's a huge help to those of us who have to also recover from living with an alcoholic. You will get a ton of experience, strength, and hope in those meetings. Keep reading and posting here.
What are you doing
What are you doing for you? Have you thought about AlAnon? It's a huge help to those of us who have to also recover from living with an alcoholic. You will get a ton of experience, strength, and hope in those meetings. Keep reading and posting here.
What are you doing
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome, Inqy. Sorry to hear what you've gone thru in the past and are still going thru now, but so glad you found us here and have realized what's going on and that you DO deserve so much better for yourself.
I'd like to second the recommendation for Alanon. SR is a wonderful community, and by all means, read and post here to your heart's content. It's good to have some real-world support also, though, and for that I think you'll find help in Alanon.
The book recommendations you've received are great and will doubtless give you more to think about. If you haven't discovered the stickied posts at the top of this page, do check them out. There's a lot of really worthwhile reading there.
Again, welcome, and wishing you strength, clarity and peace.
I'd like to second the recommendation for Alanon. SR is a wonderful community, and by all means, read and post here to your heart's content. It's good to have some real-world support also, though, and for that I think you'll find help in Alanon.
The book recommendations you've received are great and will doubtless give you more to think about. If you haven't discovered the stickied posts at the top of this page, do check them out. There's a lot of really worthwhile reading there.
Again, welcome, and wishing you strength, clarity and peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: NJ
Posts: 10
Thanks for the welcome, Katie! I will move the lizard as soon as the weather breaks! I'm tired of having to stop there everyday to feed him! We just had a foot of snow drop in Jersey tho so it can't be today or tomorrow! grins
Hi Recovering! Thanks for your words! I've been processing constantly with my fellow therapist coworkers. I also attend individual therapy once a week. I was considering al-anon, but havne't taken the plunge yet. I'm in a good place right now at the friend's house. It is like I went from a very toxic alcoholic environment to being dropped on the friggin rainbow over here. My friend is so positive and optimistic and radiates that energy, I can't help but to pick it up while here!
maybe it is stupid or irrational, but to answre hopeful, Yes, I guess I was looking for an apology or some friggin acknowledgement that she has screwed up my life along with her own. Some accepting responsibility for her behavior and words rather then blaming me to everyone she speaks too. I think I'm going to have to accept that I may just never have closure here and simply create that closure for myself via taking care of myself and making myself move forward!
Hi Recovering! Thanks for your words! I've been processing constantly with my fellow therapist coworkers. I also attend individual therapy once a week. I was considering al-anon, but havne't taken the plunge yet. I'm in a good place right now at the friend's house. It is like I went from a very toxic alcoholic environment to being dropped on the friggin rainbow over here. My friend is so positive and optimistic and radiates that energy, I can't help but to pick it up while here!
maybe it is stupid or irrational, but to answre hopeful, Yes, I guess I was looking for an apology or some friggin acknowledgement that she has screwed up my life along with her own. Some accepting responsibility for her behavior and words rather then blaming me to everyone she speaks too. I think I'm going to have to accept that I may just never have closure here and simply create that closure for myself via taking care of myself and making myself move forward!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: NJ
Posts: 10
thanks, honeypig! I will kindle the book recommendations. I read like a fiend so that won't be an issue. I just don't think I'm quite ready for al-anon yet. And, I admit, some of that may be misguided pride as I'm a therapist. in any case, thanks for the post!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: oxford
Posts: 21
Hi Inqy! It sounds like you are going thru alot! Your wife sounds in a pickle but you are right to want some peace and happiness in your life. Hopefully she will get some help,support and get better but from what you have said I do think you now need to take care of you..wishing the best,sorry this is a short post,im in bed and falling asleep but just wanted to say hello! Xxx
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Inqy---since you work in the mental health field.....I believe you will gain a great deal of illumination from these articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. There are several. Particularly, the ones titled: "Addiction, Lies and Relationships" and "Excuses Alcoholics Make". They are written by a psychiatrist and give very explanation of how the alcoholic mind works from a psychological point of view.
You can do a google search. Psychiatry and Wellness.com and bma-wellness.com are websites that contain many of them, also.
Let me know is you have any trouble locating them......
dandylion
Just curious---what is your lizard"s name? Do you have pictures?
You can do a google search. Psychiatry and Wellness.com and bma-wellness.com are websites that contain many of them, also.
Let me know is you have any trouble locating them......
dandylion
Just curious---what is your lizard"s name? Do you have pictures?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
maybe it is stupid or irrational, but to answre hopeful, Yes, I guess I was looking for an apology or some friggin acknowledgement that she has screwed up my life along with her own. Some accepting responsibility for her behavior and words rather then blaming me to everyone she speaks too. I think I'm going to have to accept that I may just never have closure here and simply create that closure for myself via taking care of myself and making myself move forward!
You pretty much get that an apology is not forthcoming.
Alcoholics rarely can deal with suffering the consequences of their actions, so they don't take responsibility for anything.
You pretty much get that an apology is not forthcoming.
Alcoholics rarely can deal with suffering the consequences of their actions, so they don't take responsibility for anything.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Snow or no snow stop your obsession and get the lizard out of there tomorrow. It's just another way for you to keep tabs on her, check her booze and remain present in that life. Cut the string, get to your attorney and begin the process.
In NJ those assets she cut you off from, you are entitled to half. You may even be entitled to alimony for a period of time.
Glad you are out physically now it's the getting out emotionally that's going to be the hard part. Thus another reason why you think you can't move a little lizard out of there YET, it's probably YOU can't fully move out of there yet.
I think al-anon would be good for you. It will help you understand your own part in the toxic relationship and how you can change you.
In NJ those assets she cut you off from, you are entitled to half. You may even be entitled to alimony for a period of time.
Glad you are out physically now it's the getting out emotionally that's going to be the hard part. Thus another reason why you think you can't move a little lizard out of there YET, it's probably YOU can't fully move out of there yet.
I think al-anon would be good for you. It will help you understand your own part in the toxic relationship and how you can change you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Ingy, check out a very helpful booked called "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing." It helped me a great deal in losing my husband to alcoholism.
"Under the Influence" and "Codependent No More" are my other two top picks.
Hang in there. Unfortunately, you are not alone!
"Under the Influence" and "Codependent No More" are my other two top picks.
Hang in there. Unfortunately, you are not alone!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Well, Since she wants to cut you off... Be sure at the divorce hearing to request some spousal support. 
She wouldn't be the first woman to have to pay it and won't be the last.
Don't expect a selfish alcoholic to give a rat's a$$ about your feelers and giving you an apology. You've got a better chance of finding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow... wherever that may be.
Wait til the weather breaks to move your lil man. Don't want to kill the poor guy in this cold!!! Pics would be awesome!
Oh and since you're getting that divorce, enjoy your freedom away from alcohell! Work on you and let that drunk to herself. You can not help her! Only she can help herself... when she's ready and not a minute sooner.
She wouldn't be the first woman to have to pay it and won't be the last. Don't expect a selfish alcoholic to give a rat's a$$ about your feelers and giving you an apology. You've got a better chance of finding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow... wherever that may be.
Wait til the weather breaks to move your lil man. Don't want to kill the poor guy in this cold!!! Pics would be awesome!
Oh and since you're getting that divorce, enjoy your freedom away from alcohell! Work on you and let that drunk to herself. You can not help her! Only she can help herself... when she's ready and not a minute sooner.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 11
Hello 
Your goal should be caring and protecting yourself. You do not deserve to live in discomfort and misery. Find your own place wherever that may be and remind yourself that a new start and a complete change isn't a bad thing - it is what you owe yourself.
Best wishes.
Your goal should be caring and protecting yourself. You do not deserve to live in discomfort and misery. Find your own place wherever that may be and remind yourself that a new start and a complete change isn't a bad thing - it is what you owe yourself.
Best wishes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: NJ
Posts: 10
good to meet you, Candy..thanks for your words!
dandylion, EXCELLENT suggestions! I read through Dr. Garrett's page. Very well written and right up my ally! Thanks! The lizard's name is Jaundice. He is a super citrus bred by Fire and Ice dragons. I don't have pics of him uploaded, but if you go to F and I website and look at the babies of Piper and Thor, mine looks like just them!
Katie...yes, she is completely delusional. I'm sure there will be no accepting of responsibility nor an apology. Afterall, everything is my fault! rolls eyes
Atalose..thanks for your words! Normally, i would agree with you that going there has become an obsession, however, presently in NJ the temp is 10 degrees. I can not move a desert animal until the weather breaks. He will freeze on the 20 minute drive over. I've retained the attorney who emailed her attorney. I'm in a bit of a holding pattern now until her attorney contacts mine so we know whether we need to file as plaintiffs or file in rebuttle to what the wife may have done. NJ is an equitable distribution of assets state. That means I am only entitled to half of what was accrued during the 4 year marriage. I will be going for alimony, but don't know if I will get it as it is considered a "short term" marriage. Many have suggested al-anon. I may go once I get more settled. right now, I have enough support wwith this forum, my therapist co-workers, my family and friends and my own therapist. Thanks for the suggestion tho!
Soaring....thank you for your words and the suggestions! Seems I have alot of reading to do!
Boxin....yes, I will request spousal support...going to request everything I can...funny, I didn't want anything...I have alot of pride and I have a full time job...I know I can support myself....but, when she cut me out of the bank accounts for no good reason...well, I've never experienced anything that cruel before...the wife cares about two things...her booze and her money...I can't take away her booze, but I for damned sure will be going for every penny I can get! I will try to take pics of him on the next trip to the condo. If you are really nosy...grins....google fire and ice dragons and look at the offspring of piper and thor....one of those is my baby!
bothesidesnow....thank you so much for your words! Yes, that is what I am trying to keep reminding myself....I think it will be good for me to get out and support myself...I went from my parent's home to my wife's home....other then irrational fears, there is no earthly reason I can't support myself with a master's degree and full time job!
dandylion, EXCELLENT suggestions! I read through Dr. Garrett's page. Very well written and right up my ally! Thanks! The lizard's name is Jaundice. He is a super citrus bred by Fire and Ice dragons. I don't have pics of him uploaded, but if you go to F and I website and look at the babies of Piper and Thor, mine looks like just them!
Katie...yes, she is completely delusional. I'm sure there will be no accepting of responsibility nor an apology. Afterall, everything is my fault! rolls eyes
Atalose..thanks for your words! Normally, i would agree with you that going there has become an obsession, however, presently in NJ the temp is 10 degrees. I can not move a desert animal until the weather breaks. He will freeze on the 20 minute drive over. I've retained the attorney who emailed her attorney. I'm in a bit of a holding pattern now until her attorney contacts mine so we know whether we need to file as plaintiffs or file in rebuttle to what the wife may have done. NJ is an equitable distribution of assets state. That means I am only entitled to half of what was accrued during the 4 year marriage. I will be going for alimony, but don't know if I will get it as it is considered a "short term" marriage. Many have suggested al-anon. I may go once I get more settled. right now, I have enough support wwith this forum, my therapist co-workers, my family and friends and my own therapist. Thanks for the suggestion tho!
Soaring....thank you for your words and the suggestions! Seems I have alot of reading to do!
Boxin....yes, I will request spousal support...going to request everything I can...funny, I didn't want anything...I have alot of pride and I have a full time job...I know I can support myself....but, when she cut me out of the bank accounts for no good reason...well, I've never experienced anything that cruel before...the wife cares about two things...her booze and her money...I can't take away her booze, but I for damned sure will be going for every penny I can get! I will try to take pics of him on the next trip to the condo. If you are really nosy...grins....google fire and ice dragons and look at the offspring of piper and thor....one of those is my baby!
bothesidesnow....thank you so much for your words! Yes, that is what I am trying to keep reminding myself....I think it will be good for me to get out and support myself...I went from my parent's home to my wife's home....other then irrational fears, there is no earthly reason I can't support myself with a master's degree and full time job!
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