Hello! Newcomer here!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: NJ
Posts: 10
Hello! Newcomer here!
Hello Everyone,
So, I found this site last week and have been voraciously reading everything my lil paws can click on! I'm a female mental health therapist that does not specialize in addictions. However, I've come to realize that I'm also codependent and my wife of 4 years, together for 8, is a raging alcoholic.
I've decided that I can no longer take the verbal abuse, lying, sloppy drinking, blackouts, passing out in random locations of the house, and cheating texts anymore. I've decided, helped along by my own therapy, that I deserve more! I will be 36 next month and she is 39. She makes more then double what I make and has uses her money to control me throughout the entirety of our relationship.
Is this normal for alcoholics? She has preyed on my emotions and innate empathy and kindness in order so that she may have the "power and control." She was scared to death of ending up like her parents, the mother spending more money faster then daddy can make it and daddy being unable to retire due to the need for more money. As she always took care of me, and always had plenty of money, I never bothered to save and now find myself pretty well in a financial pickle. I will NOT, however, continue to let her control me and stop me from leaving due to finances.
I've moved in with a friend that I've had since the 6th grade. She also makes double what I make. Take note people, therapists are POOR! We do not make much money! I owe damn near my salary in student loans! Anyway, I find myself slipping into self pity and wanting to know what the wife is doing. I stop by the house every day to feed my lizard (its been too cold to transport him, soon as weather breaks I will move him to a friends house) and I see her continuing to drink herself to death! She goes through Huge bottles of absolute every two days!
So, this is some of my story. I know I need to focus on the positive, keep one foot in front of the other, and maintain my boundaries. We have both seen a lawyer and are on the cusp of filing for a divorce. I do not want to return to this marriage, yet I find myself resentful that she caused all of this mess and has the nerve to act self-righteous. She also isn't the "typical" alcoholic. She is very high functioning, has tons of money in the bank (that she decided to close out of my reach the day before christmas...incredibly cruel and disrespectful..and unnecessary as I rarely spent any of that joint money), doesn't obsessively text me, hasn't been begging me to come back. Do you think she is just numb and apathetic?
I don't have personal experiences iwth alcoholism. If I have 4 drinks in a month that is a lot. I much prefer to smoke cigs and herbals. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm rambling on and on and this was just supposed to be a short and sweet, "nice to meet ya."
I feel so confused, but grateful of my clinical experience as I know full well that she has a very very long journey ahead of her, I can't help her do it, I can't control her, and the best thing for me is to just run out the friggin door at this point! Thanks for listening.
So, I found this site last week and have been voraciously reading everything my lil paws can click on! I'm a female mental health therapist that does not specialize in addictions. However, I've come to realize that I'm also codependent and my wife of 4 years, together for 8, is a raging alcoholic.
I've decided that I can no longer take the verbal abuse, lying, sloppy drinking, blackouts, passing out in random locations of the house, and cheating texts anymore. I've decided, helped along by my own therapy, that I deserve more! I will be 36 next month and she is 39. She makes more then double what I make and has uses her money to control me throughout the entirety of our relationship.
Is this normal for alcoholics? She has preyed on my emotions and innate empathy and kindness in order so that she may have the "power and control." She was scared to death of ending up like her parents, the mother spending more money faster then daddy can make it and daddy being unable to retire due to the need for more money. As she always took care of me, and always had plenty of money, I never bothered to save and now find myself pretty well in a financial pickle. I will NOT, however, continue to let her control me and stop me from leaving due to finances.
I've moved in with a friend that I've had since the 6th grade. She also makes double what I make. Take note people, therapists are POOR! We do not make much money! I owe damn near my salary in student loans! Anyway, I find myself slipping into self pity and wanting to know what the wife is doing. I stop by the house every day to feed my lizard (its been too cold to transport him, soon as weather breaks I will move him to a friends house) and I see her continuing to drink herself to death! She goes through Huge bottles of absolute every two days!
So, this is some of my story. I know I need to focus on the positive, keep one foot in front of the other, and maintain my boundaries. We have both seen a lawyer and are on the cusp of filing for a divorce. I do not want to return to this marriage, yet I find myself resentful that she caused all of this mess and has the nerve to act self-righteous. She also isn't the "typical" alcoholic. She is very high functioning, has tons of money in the bank (that she decided to close out of my reach the day before christmas...incredibly cruel and disrespectful..and unnecessary as I rarely spent any of that joint money), doesn't obsessively text me, hasn't been begging me to come back. Do you think she is just numb and apathetic?
I don't have personal experiences iwth alcoholism. If I have 4 drinks in a month that is a lot. I much prefer to smoke cigs and herbals. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm rambling on and on and this was just supposed to be a short and sweet, "nice to meet ya."
I feel so confused, but grateful of my clinical experience as I know full well that she has a very very long journey ahead of her, I can't help her do it, I can't control her, and the best thing for me is to just run out the friggin door at this point! Thanks for listening.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Welcome to SR! This is a very friendly and supportive site. We have lots of different forums here for lots of different topics. One in particular might be of interest to you. You are free to post anywhere but may find some insight in this forum. Give it a look. 
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
to SR.I hope you will join us on the friends and family forum. You are not alone anymore
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Also have you checked out Al Anon. It is a 12 step program for friends and family of alcoholics. It has saved my sanity.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Newcastle
Posts: 908
Welcome to SR. Well I undoubtedly have a very poor relationship with alcohol, and all the things she is doing seen the norm for most of us alcoholics because I've lied, hidden alcohol and made a complete fool out of myself more times than I care to remember.
I'm always told that for those without a problem it's difficult to understand why we continue to drink when it hurts ourselves and our loved ones so much. I'm of the belief it's a disease, but im also of the belief that she will not quit unless she wants to, that is just the nature of the drinker.
As others have said, check out the friends and family forum, lots of help and advice there. And good work on getting your own therapy too, put yourself first
I'm always told that for those without a problem it's difficult to understand why we continue to drink when it hurts ourselves and our loved ones so much. I'm of the belief it's a disease, but im also of the belief that she will not quit unless she wants to, that is just the nature of the drinker.
As others have said, check out the friends and family forum, lots of help and advice there. And good work on getting your own therapy too, put yourself first
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