Telling on AH
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Telling on AH
AH told me on the way to the boys game last night that he looked up AA meetings. I said good.
While at the game, I noticed a good friend of mine doesn't come to sit with me to watch our boys play as she normally would do. I didn't think much of it until my sister, who is the AD of the squad, fills me in that my good friend isn't sitting with me or even acknowledging me because of something my AH said to her husband in a meeting earlier in the day. Apparently the things my husband said were 1. not true, facts were mixed up due to brain slosh, and were his way of being nonconfrontational during a conversation that would have been uncomfortable to him 2. put the blame on someone else that had nothing to do with it. As gently as I could I apologized and then let her know he was trying to stop drinking and hasn't been thinking or hearing straight.
She was suprised by the info and I was so glad to be rid of that burdensome secret! I was so happy to hear her support and recieve her hug.
On another note, I actually called a therapist yesterday and made an appt for Friday. Who would've thunk I would ever go to a therapist..not me!
While at the game, I noticed a good friend of mine doesn't come to sit with me to watch our boys play as she normally would do. I didn't think much of it until my sister, who is the AD of the squad, fills me in that my good friend isn't sitting with me or even acknowledging me because of something my AH said to her husband in a meeting earlier in the day. Apparently the things my husband said were 1. not true, facts were mixed up due to brain slosh, and were his way of being nonconfrontational during a conversation that would have been uncomfortable to him 2. put the blame on someone else that had nothing to do with it. As gently as I could I apologized and then let her know he was trying to stop drinking and hasn't been thinking or hearing straight.
She was suprised by the info and I was so glad to be rid of that burdensome secret! I was so happy to hear her support and recieve her hug.
On another note, I actually called a therapist yesterday and made an appt for Friday. Who would've thunk I would ever go to a therapist..not me!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Good enough for now.
Once you get really tight into Alanon -- *we* are supposed to take Special Care to Guard the Anonymity of All AA Members.
You will figure out your best path on that. What I do is tell (only) folks that need to know -- "I am in Alanon, I can tell you that without breaking any confidences. I am compelled to not discuss other folks and their programs." Anyone who needs to know TOTALLY gets the whole thing in just that sentence. They generally give me an understanding nod, and things go on.
As far as T -- SUPER! Alanon + a Sponsor/Steps + T = Great Things Ahead for YOU.
EVERYTHING is right where it should be right now.
Once you get really tight into Alanon -- *we* are supposed to take Special Care to Guard the Anonymity of All AA Members.
You will figure out your best path on that. What I do is tell (only) folks that need to know -- "I am in Alanon, I can tell you that without breaking any confidences. I am compelled to not discuss other folks and their programs." Anyone who needs to know TOTALLY gets the whole thing in just that sentence. They generally give me an understanding nod, and things go on.
As far as T -- SUPER! Alanon + a Sponsor/Steps + T = Great Things Ahead for YOU.
EVERYTHING is right where it should be right now.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Katchie....good for you. Glad it worked out well and that it sort of forced the issue that you open up with someone you are close to for some support. Secrets isolate us and have very negative outcomes.
Glad you are getting therapy! It's a great thing to examine your own life, it will help, I promise!!
hugs!
Glad you are getting therapy! It's a great thing to examine your own life, it will help, I promise!!
hugs!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
The Anonymity Part?
I am (trying to) say to keep backbiting from biting her back (not that she is gossiping or backbiting at all) she . . . . like many of us will want to bring her game up to the point, that after he starts AA, she stays pristine clean on "guarding" his anonymity aspects.
You follow the crap that we have went round-and-round with regarding our local AA Gossip Girls? I do not tip my hand on anything regarding me, and do not tell anyone outside a bit of Mrs. Hammer's AA business.
You follow that the Rehab she starts working at in a week, is the same one I have been doing the Alanon Family program at for the last two months, and she did not even know?
I am (trying to) say to keep backbiting from biting her back (not that she is gossiping or backbiting at all) she . . . . like many of us will want to bring her game up to the point, that after he starts AA, she stays pristine clean on "guarding" his anonymity aspects.
You follow the crap that we have went round-and-round with regarding our local AA Gossip Girls? I do not tip my hand on anything regarding me, and do not tell anyone outside a bit of Mrs. Hammer's AA business.
You follow that the Rehab she starts working at in a week, is the same one I have been doing the Alanon Family program at for the last two months, and she did not even know?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Wait - you mean AH attended an AA meeting which was also attended by your friend's husband, then the husband went home & shared what he had heard from your AH with HIS wife?
When I first read this I thought you meant a meeting earlier in the day unrelated to recovery (like for the boys' team or something) where AH was using blame-shifting & other tactics to avoid confrontation, making you look like the bad guy.
I'm confused - if it's the latter, & Katchie only stated that her husband was trying to quit but said nothing about his involvment (or not) with AA, isn't she just being truthful with someone she describes as a "good" friend?
When I first read this I thought you meant a meeting earlier in the day unrelated to recovery (like for the boys' team or something) where AH was using blame-shifting & other tactics to avoid confrontation, making you look like the bad guy.
I'm confused - if it's the latter, & Katchie only stated that her husband was trying to quit but said nothing about his involvment (or not) with AA, isn't she just being truthful with someone she describes as a "good" friend?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yes, the friend's husband was wrong to tell said friend. However, Katchie needs support from friends. She needs to be open about her AH being an A. I think it is great. If you don't want anyone to know you are an A....don't drink!!! You cannot expect your wife to sit back and hide it for you. I did so for years..the truth has set me free...and him too in many aspects.
Good for you Katchie!
Good for you Katchie!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 182
The way I understood the AlAnon viewpoint was (and remember I'm new and could be wrong) that whilst someone was an active alcoholic you could tell whomever you liked and seek support but when they were seriously in recovery and/or at AA it was kinda up to the A where and when that got shared.
I think its one of the "Courage to Change" readings but I can't find it right now.
I think its one of the "Courage to Change" readings but I can't find it right now.
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Originally Posted by Katchie 
As gently as I could I apologized and then let her know he was trying to stop drinking and hasn't been thinking or hearing straight.
"I understand my husband said something inappropriate to your husband. Let's not allow that to interfere in our friendship."
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I think it is perfectly fine to a) speak to friends and share that ones spouse/parent etc... is an A. It's not a dirty secret though they want us to think it is and it's fine to say that. And b) I have found that "apologizing" for BS that an A pulls isn't so much an apology as a way of saying "that was upsetting to me too-- I have empathy for how it impacted you and I don't find it ok". I have reconnected with several friends precisely bc of my speaking the truth of the xAH's drinking and speaking the truth of my feelings about his behavior that impacted us all negatively.
So, I think that sounds like a great conversation to have had with your friend Katchie!
So, I think that sounds like a great conversation to have had with your friend Katchie!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
hmmm.....so the Alanons are expected to continue to keep secrets once the A is in recovery? I don't know - if you search the forum for threads on the topic (I can particularly think of an old one by a poster Cyranoak - sp) many believe that keeping secrets is part of our disease...what's the point of having a friend for example when you keep a key aspect of your life from them? Not sure if that's a real friend or not.
I know in my case before XRAH got in recovery I had already told most of my friends he was an alcoholic and that was why we separated. One friend specifically asked if he was still drinking so I told her he had gone to rehab and was now in a program....Alanon would encourage I lie? My XRAH actually did say he thought it wasn't my business to answer her and I told him that I wanted my relationships in life to be based on honesty not secrets and she was my friend not his so I didn't see the issue...I'm actually not sure which of us was right. We do have separate friends in our case....so I have my friends and he his and we don't really "share"...never did even when we were still married, sure my friends know him but they aren't his friends and how am I supposed to be an honest vulnerable friend if I can't share the truth with them?
Just asking some questions (not attacking the rule or anything or trying to push my opinion...anyone who believes in it that's their business not mine)...one of the reasons I lean on therapy way more than Alanon is because of the rigid rule structure that sometimes emerges. I think every situation is different and if you follow your gut/inner self (which is what in my view Alanon is about...learning to know and follow you) I'm not sure how it could go wrong.
PS - I agree with what everyone said about apologizing. If my XRAH does something and wants to apologize for it that's his apology to decide to make or not make and not my burden to bear. His actions are not mine and are about him not me.
I know in my case before XRAH got in recovery I had already told most of my friends he was an alcoholic and that was why we separated. One friend specifically asked if he was still drinking so I told her he had gone to rehab and was now in a program....Alanon would encourage I lie? My XRAH actually did say he thought it wasn't my business to answer her and I told him that I wanted my relationships in life to be based on honesty not secrets and she was my friend not his so I didn't see the issue...I'm actually not sure which of us was right. We do have separate friends in our case....so I have my friends and he his and we don't really "share"...never did even when we were still married, sure my friends know him but they aren't his friends and how am I supposed to be an honest vulnerable friend if I can't share the truth with them?
Just asking some questions (not attacking the rule or anything or trying to push my opinion...anyone who believes in it that's their business not mine)...one of the reasons I lean on therapy way more than Alanon is because of the rigid rule structure that sometimes emerges. I think every situation is different and if you follow your gut/inner self (which is what in my view Alanon is about...learning to know and follow you) I'm not sure how it could go wrong.
PS - I agree with what everyone said about apologizing. If my XRAH does something and wants to apologize for it that's his apology to decide to make or not make and not my burden to bear. His actions are not mine and are about him not me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Silence and isolation kept the disease in him and in me thriving, so when I finally opened up for the first time to my sister she looked at me and said fedup3 everyone knows he's an alcoholic we just never said anything because you never mentioned it to us, ugh. Letting the light in by talking was so freeing it was as though I could finally breath and I wasn't alone anymore.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You know what....almost every single person I opened up to, especially in my family knew anyways! They were just waiting until I was ready to talk about it. Wow...what an eye opener!
I have every single right to open up to my friends about what is going on in MY life. If he had cancer I would tell them that too. I am sure he would do the same. Opening up has helped my AH too. It has helped him open up to others.
I don't run around screaming from the rooftops that my H is an A but I certainly don't hide it from anyone I am close to and openly speak about it.
My days of hiding the truth in the closet are over....
I have every single right to open up to my friends about what is going on in MY life. If he had cancer I would tell them that too. I am sure he would do the same. Opening up has helped my AH too. It has helped him open up to others.
I don't run around screaming from the rooftops that my H is an A but I certainly don't hide it from anyone I am close to and openly speak about it.
My days of hiding the truth in the closet are over....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It's not clear from the original post that Katchie's husband has ever been to an AA meeting, only that he said he looked into them, and it's also unclear that the meeting in which her husband said inappropriate things was an AA meeting.
That being said, Katchie, I agree with Cynical One that YOU had nothing to apologize for. You don't have to take on the burden of someone else's poor behavior, whether you're married or related to them or not. Freedom from that kind of thing is a gift you can give yourself right now.
That being said, Katchie, I agree with Cynical One that YOU had nothing to apologize for. You don't have to take on the burden of someone else's poor behavior, whether you're married or related to them or not. Freedom from that kind of thing is a gift you can give yourself right now.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Look, I am not even trying to be a Code Book Bytch, but IF, IF, IF, they wish to SUCCESSFULLY Work the Programs -- It is BEST to Successfully Work the Programs.
I am not even remotely saying this is right, wrong or whatever -- but this is HOW THESE PROGRAMS Work.
If one does not want to work the Programs, that is fine, too.
Even with earnest intent, folks slip on this stuff all the time.
Not scolding anyone, just trying to help bring them up to speed -- if they want to work the AA / Alanon Programs.
When they get to the point, that he goes to the AA room, and she goes to Alanon . . . folks learn to keep their business quiet.
From the Alanon Traditions . . . .
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/the-twelve-traditions
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, and TV. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.
What happens at Fight Club, stays at Fight Club.
I am not even remotely saying this is right, wrong or whatever -- but this is HOW THESE PROGRAMS Work.
If one does not want to work the Programs, that is fine, too.
Even with earnest intent, folks slip on this stuff all the time.
Not scolding anyone, just trying to help bring them up to speed -- if they want to work the AA / Alanon Programs.
When they get to the point, that he goes to the AA room, and she goes to Alanon . . . folks learn to keep their business quiet.
From the Alanon Traditions . . . .
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/the-twelve-traditions
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, and TV. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.
What happens at Fight Club, stays at Fight Club.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Well...I believe the Alanon rules also say something about taking someone else's inventory.......so what Katchie chooses to talk about or not to others about is not mine to judge nor to throw rules at. JMHO. I personally would never want to encourage someone to lie or continue to keep the secrets that dug the dark hole of this disease of codependency. None of my business.
My therapist went through Alanon and told me one of the drawbacks of the program for him (and it also is for me) was the rigid rule following tendencies, rule following for me was a symptom of my codependency rather than a cure for it...that's just my program. I really felt the program working when I started finding me and what worked for me rather than trying to be what I thought Alanon expected of me. For me Alanon was about learning to trust myself and find my own way rather than following a set of rules, and I'm feeling pretty serene at this point in my life. When this issue came up my XRAH and I were able to talk about it and share our views and move forward, not a stumbling block in our friendship at all - we came to the conclusion best for us and our current relationship. I'm more of an ACOA (really ACON) than a true Alanon in many ways though - what works for me works for me and what works for others works for them, in the end that's what matters...I work a program of therapy directed more towards ACON.
My therapist went through Alanon and told me one of the drawbacks of the program for him (and it also is for me) was the rigid rule following tendencies, rule following for me was a symptom of my codependency rather than a cure for it...that's just my program. I really felt the program working when I started finding me and what worked for me rather than trying to be what I thought Alanon expected of me. For me Alanon was about learning to trust myself and find my own way rather than following a set of rules, and I'm feeling pretty serene at this point in my life. When this issue came up my XRAH and I were able to talk about it and share our views and move forward, not a stumbling block in our friendship at all - we came to the conclusion best for us and our current relationship. I'm more of an ACOA (really ACON) than a true Alanon in many ways though - what works for me works for me and what works for others works for them, in the end that's what matters...I work a program of therapy directed more towards ACON.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
I just want to make clear that my AH is not attending AA meetings. He has tried over the years quite successfully to avoid ever getting help because he "doesn't need it". He only stated he looked them up online to see what was in the area.
The friend I spoke to knew a little bit that I shared w/her last year but hadn't spoken about it since. What my AH said to her husband I didn't want ruining my relationship with my dear friend so I decided to tell her more about what was going on. I'm so happy she was receptive and not judgmental. She even invited me to lunch so I could talk more about it. Talking about it something I've never done over the years and the more I leak it out the better I feel.
The friend I spoke to knew a little bit that I shared w/her last year but hadn't spoken about it since. What my AH said to her husband I didn't want ruining my relationship with my dear friend so I decided to tell her more about what was going on. I'm so happy she was receptive and not judgmental. She even invited me to lunch so I could talk more about it. Talking about it something I've never done over the years and the more I leak it out the better I feel.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
THIS IS WONDERFUL!!!! 
Originally Posted by Katchie
I just want to make clear that my AH is not attending AA meetings. He has tried over the years quite successfully to avoid ever getting help because he "doesn't need it". He only stated he looked them up online to see what was in the area.
The friend I spoke to knew a little bit that I shared w/her last year but hadn't spoken about it since. What my AH said to her husband I didn't want ruining my relationship with my dear friend so I decided to tell her more about what was going on. I'm so happy she was receptive and not judgmental. She even invited me to lunch so I could talk more about it. Talking about it something I've never done over the years and the more I leak it out the better I feel.
The friend I spoke to knew a little bit that I shared w/her last year but hadn't spoken about it since. What my AH said to her husband I didn't want ruining my relationship with my dear friend so I decided to tell her more about what was going on. I'm so happy she was receptive and not judgmental. She even invited me to lunch so I could talk more about it. Talking about it something I've never done over the years and the more I leak it out the better I feel.
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
So the way I read this is that if you are in Al-anon, you don't reveal the identity of those in AA who are working the program.
Is it actually saying that you aren't allowed to tell anyone that your H or W is an A? When their behavior has a significant impact on yours, and you need support from those closest to you?
I haven't been to Al-Anon so I'm asking honestly, not in a snarky way.
Is it actually saying that you aren't allowed to tell anyone that your H or W is an A? When their behavior has a significant impact on yours, and you need support from those closest to you?
I haven't been to Al-Anon so I'm asking honestly, not in a snarky way.
Originally Posted by Hammer
Look, I am not even trying to be a Code Book Bytch, but IF, IF, IF, they wish to SUCCESSFULLY Work the Programs -- It is BEST to Successfully Work the Programs.
I am not even remotely saying this is right, wrong or whatever -- but this is HOW THESE PROGRAMS Work.
If one does not want to work the Programs, that is fine, too.
Even with earnest intent, folks slip on this stuff all the time.
Not scolding anyone, just trying to help bring them up to speed -- if they want to work the AA / Alanon Programs.
When they get to the point, that he goes to the AA room, and she goes to Alanon . . . folks learn to keep their business quiet.
From the Alanon Traditions . . . .
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/the-twelve-traditions
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, and TV. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.
What happens at Fight Club, stays at Fight Club.
I am not even remotely saying this is right, wrong or whatever -- but this is HOW THESE PROGRAMS Work.
If one does not want to work the Programs, that is fine, too.
Even with earnest intent, folks slip on this stuff all the time.
Not scolding anyone, just trying to help bring them up to speed -- if they want to work the AA / Alanon Programs.
When they get to the point, that he goes to the AA room, and she goes to Alanon . . . folks learn to keep their business quiet.
From the Alanon Traditions . . . .
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/the-twelve-traditions
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, and TV. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.
What happens at Fight Club, stays at Fight Club.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
