myfreedom

So AH had went thru a really bad phase recently up until New Years. Since then he has maybe drank twice and a few at that. Giving me the same story that he is sorry, ready to be my husband again, tired of being a failure, tired of letting me and the kids down, etc,etc,etc.
Things have been going ok, less stress and tension. I am planning on leaving within the next month or two, BUT having him be this way makes that decision soooooo hard. I know it only will last for so long before it all comes crashing down AGAIN. Why do I let him do this to me? Why am I not strong enouogh to stand up for myself?? Is it love after 12 yrs of all this nonsense? I am really fighting with myself again.........

dandylion

myfreedom....it is hard for some of us to give up the fantasy that the "good stuff" will be there forever. With an active drinker--not working a program--it is a wish, but not the reality.

The fact that you are on this forum and planning to leave in the first place---this is reality. We are so easlily sucked back in--because we want to believe so badly that the alcoholism is not what it is. I hat to say this..because it sounds so harsh---but, it doesn't matter if you love him or not. Love doesn't change the outcome. sometimes, we don't get to keep the people that we love. A harsh reality of life. I have had to accept that, myself...and, have cried oceans of tears, myself.

Maybe, make a list of the "bad stuff" and read it every day. The "bad stuff is just as real as the "good stuff".

You have my sincere empathy. Really.

dandylion

Woodman123

Agree with dandylion... love doesn't change the outcome. I'm sorry for your pain myfreedom, as I'm in a similar boat. My AW is trying so hard to be nice to the family, and keep things status quo with me and the kids... but unfortunately, that status quo includes sneaking the drinks and pretending it's not happening. No matter how much I want to leave this addiction behind, my heart can't (yet) let go of some hope that my sober wife will one day return. But with each relapse (6 and counting) my hope gets weaker. you are NOT a fool- just have empathy and love for someone you once knew and hoping for the best- that's a wonderful human trait... unfortunately brings alot of pain in these situations. I wish you health and happiness.

Hammer

Does he know what he HAS to do to "save" the family?

For example -- IF he really really really did AA -- the Steps, the Amends, the whole Enchilada -- would THAT save things? Yunno, I would dare say for *most* of us it would. The kids and I would all be a bunch of happy, sobbing, little girls if Mrs. Hammer were to do that.

Then, of course . . . YOU would have to do YOUR side . . . and Let Me Tells Ya -- THAT is a hell of a lot more work than it looks like from the 12 E-Z Step, No Down Payment Plan up on the Alanon Wall. At least it is turning out that way for me.

At any rate . . . I am thinking that maybe, just maybe, you might want to spend the 2 months doing [y]our side of things, and that way you are good shape for leaving or if . . . the silly bastard came through and did his side. I mean how stupid would you look if he did all his stuff, and you are just sitting there?

unsureoffuture

My ADH is the same and I am feeling exactly the same as you right now! I know I just need to pull the trigger and leave, Im ready I have a plan, I just need to file the papers. But it is just so hard after almost 12 years. It's even harder when I know we are in a "good" part of the cycle and he has "cut back". I know as well as you, that its only for a short time before we are right back to square one the "crashing down" yet again. I think some A's can feel us pull back and distance ourselves some, so they react by being on their best behavior until they have sucked us back in and can let their guard down again. I know in my head leaving is the right thing to do. I just cant understand why I cant make my actions follow. I dont have any ESH because I am in exactly the same place. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

myfreedom

Yes the good cycle, I HATE IT!!!!!!!!! And I get suckered everytime. I try to think of the bad things when this happens but sometimes it overpowers me, like now. Came across this the other day;

"Just be smart enough to know when "enough is enough".
You cant complain about somebody crossing the line
when you failed to set the boundaries.
You can't complain about somebody wasting your time
when you didn't require them to earn it.
Sometimes you just have to let go.
Not everything is meant to be a "forever" kinda thing.
You have to be honest with yourself, even if it hurts.
Can't give em too many chances to make the same "mistakes".
Learn from it. Grow out of it. Be done with it.


I try to read it numerous times thru out the day.

dandylion

Why not do it when the "bad" part of the cycle comes?? Anger can be a powerful and useful motivator if it is channeled the right way! Why not get the info from the lawyer and have everything in place for when the bad parts come again--you "know" they are coming.

Not everybody does it this way--but some do. Kind of l ike circling the wagons before the trip westward.

I'm just saying....

dandylion

Woodman123

General advice suggests you never should do things out of anger... but this might be the one exception!

unsureoffuture

That was my original plan, Ive been waiting for the "bad" part of the cycle and for some reason my ADH must sense something is up because this "good" cycle has lasted longer than usual. I almost want to pretend everything is fine just so he lets his gurad down again and then bam but I know revenge is not the answer.

hopeful4

I am awaiting the bad cycle. I am doing so for myself and my kids. Sort of a last ditch type of thing. In the mean time, I have visited an attorney and gotten my ducks in a row. Am working on the financials as they are not good enough right now to be separate. Working hard on that. I know it's coming and I am at peace with it as much as I can be. I decided I can dread it but not let it control me. I cannot be miserable while I wait for the shoe to drop. Life goes on.

I also told him we will be divorcing and that he should be thinking about what property he is interested in keeping and any input he wants to have.

fedup3

I went to my lawyer once a year for 3 yrs until I finally faced my fears and divorced him. We were married for 39 yrs and had known each other since we were very young. I had to learn to detach which wasn't easy and at times it still isn't easy but we have a better relationship now than what we had for the last 10-15 yrs of our marriage and it's not because he stopped drinking but because I got better. Be good to yourself, be prepared but keep breathing!