EmmyG

Still living with AH until I can figure out what to do. I don't have enough money to move out yet and I can't bring myself to move my kids out of school halfway through the year to go live near my parents'. He hasn't drank for a couple weeks and we've actually been getting along. Until tonight. He's been doing a juice cleanse thing for a couple days and he texted me on my home from work to ask if I want take out. I didn't reply and when I got home he asked if I got the text. I said "Do you really want to break?" And he LOST it on me. Screamed "What you effing C***??" And has proceeded to be a complete jerk since then. He said I really hurt his feelings insulting him like that. He said he's tired of being victimized by me and me acting like I'm the abused wife. I don't get it. I really don't. He's been so nice the last few days. He took me and the kids out for a great day for my birthday last weekend, now he turns like this. Ugh, so disappointing. I just want a normal, loving, peaceful relationship/house but I suppose I'm looking in the wrong place. Why can't he just be normal. The reason I asked him about breaking his diet is I'm sick of him going on these stupid diets every few months to cleanse himself, having me prepare all of his juice and then he breaks after 24 hours! It was a fair question. Why am I even trying to talk this out? His behavior is unacceptable. Why can't I just pull the trigger on moving out???

hopeful4

Why indeed? It is abuse you know. Your kids are not blind or deaf either.

Dont try to rationalize it, you are wasting your time. Hes nit going to change...are you?

Hugs.

SeasonlessWorld

My therapist recently said to me that no one stays in anything that is all bad. I would add that People like us thrive on the memories of the good times and the fantasy of what life would look like if our SO wasn't abusive or addicted. Don't waste your precious life trying to figure him out. You won't. Please live in the present moment.

There is no excuse for calling you names and minimizing your feelings. Pick up some books on verbal abuse you will recognize yourself and your husband in them.
Also there is a thread titled "looking for advice-my wife is an alcoholic" by Haddock. He first posted in 2008 and now is back talking about how things have deteriorated in his marriage. Please check it out and all the posts of those married to alcoholics. Please take care of yourself during this difficult time!!

fairlyuncertain

I don't think we stay in bad situations because of the good--I think sometimes we stay because our intuition tells us that trying to leave can make things worse.

The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the victim has made plans to leave.

Why do women stay? Because sometimes, THAT unsafe situation is still safer than leaving, in the way that being in a moving car with a drunk driver is a lot safer than jumping out of the car.

ETA: If you aren't ready to leave, but want more information about how to do it gradually, a therapist or women's center or domestic violence hotline can help.

littlefish

Pulling your kids out of school is mildly traumatic, but something they will recover easily from. Putting them through years of verbal abuse from an angry alcoholic parent? They may never recover. I don't think I ever did. I refused to talk to my father the last 20 years of his life; I still have not gotten over the consuming hatred I had for him, even after he died! That could easily be the scenario of your children's future.

Hawkeye13

If I had had a choice between changing schools and getting away from the angry tension and explosions in my home because of my alcoholic parent I would have gladly done so.
It has, like littlefish said, had a lifelong negative effect on me, and I'm 49 now. Unfortunately, I had no sober parent to go to since my father was an alcoholic too.

Emmy, you must do what you feel is right but don't think you are doing your children any favors by keeping them in this environment.
School is a small thing compared to the daily unpredictable drama that is their main reality.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this--it really hurts and it isn't fair

Seren

None of us, I think, can explain why your husband behaves the way he does...and from what you have described here, Emmy, does why really matter more than what he does? If someone were as abusive to me as your husband is to you and your children, the why would not matter. What would matter is getting myself and my children out of harms way.

You may not have all the money you need to do this on your own right now....but you don't have to do it on your own. There are Domestic Violence resources near you of which I encourage you to make use!

But that decision is up to you. It is a big and scary decision, and sometimes just the inertia of doing nothing--of continuing to do nothing--is very strong. "Maybe he'll be better tomorrow." "Maybe it isn't really that bad." "Maybe if I just hang on for one more month, he will be better, treat us better."

Maybe not....

I'm so very sorry for all you have had to go through and hope that you will know, someday soon, that you are worth so much more, Emmy.

SeasonlessWorld

True! But normally when I see "he was so nice a couple days ago" or the equivalent I recognize myself in it. I lived on the fumes of the good behavior of many of my boyfriends for far too long and wanted to warn the OP to not do that. You have a very good point! Her physical safety is paramount.

readerbaby71

Tell him to make his own effing juice. I'm sorry.

hopeful4

Emmy....last year I moved my daughter to a different school mid term, right after Xmas. While we did not move, it was a HUGE change for her. I am very glad I did it during the school year. The counselors and teachers kept a much closer eye on her than they would have had she joined w/the rest of the pack at the beginning of the year. She thrived, it was a very positive change.

Moving is not always necessarily a bad thing for a kid. She made tons of new friends and it was a great new environment for her.

Good Luck. Please don't allow yourself to continue on this road of abuse!

dandylion

EmmyG....Keep this number Domestic Violence Hotline....1-800-799-Safe. They will help you find the local organization that can help you with the practical things you are or will be dealing with.

So often, those who are being abused do not get the help that they need because they don't realize that it is there and that there are compassionate people who really want to help. You are not al one, and you don't have to go through this alone.

dandylion

AnvilheadII

I just want a normal, loving, peaceful relationship/house but I suppose I'm looking in the wrong place. in this case, yes you are


Why can't he just be normal. cuz he has untreated addiction and has no respect or concern for others.

The reason I asked him about breaking his diet is I'm sick of him going on these stupid diets every few months to cleanse himself, having me prepare all of his juice and then he breaks after 24 hours! let him make his own damn juice! say NO.

It was a fair question. Why am I even trying to talk this out? His behavior is unacceptable. Why can't I just pull the trigger on moving out???

you fear something....it would be best to get down to WHAT that fear is, bring it into the daylight and see if for what it is.

you deserve better. your children deserve better. no one should have to live with some ranting raving F-bombing lunatic who can't answer a simple question.