Non-physical Domestic Abuse - Looking For Feedback
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Non-physical Domestic Abuse - Looking For Feedback
Hello all,
I have been away for some time, but my troubles certainly have not. I almost feel guilty for going away and not posting until I'm finally super down in the dump, but when I do post, it's an outlet, and it's really the only one I have. Thank you in advance for reading.
My husband and I have certainly had our ups and downs. He's not smoking crack anymore which is a step forward, but his DOC has become percocet, and additionally, I believe my partner is ADHD, bipolar maybe, but I'm not a psychiatrist and he refused to see one, so I can't post for certain a diagnosis. What I DO know is that he is an active prescription drug addict and I blame his mood swings on his addiction accompanied by his lack of a psychiatric evaluation for what is clearly some kind of mood disorder.
My issues are that he goes off into bouts of rage for nearly no reason. If he doesn't want to discuss something, he yells until I submit to walking into the other room. He works 7 days a week because he's financially unstable due to the amount of money he spends on street bought prescription drugs.
Today, for instance, he had a half day at work and got home around 2 PM. I arrived home from the office early due to inclement weather and continued to work in my home office. I got dinner started and asked him if he would go to the grocery store to pick up some coffee, to which replied "No, I'm comfortable here and don't want to go out." So, I went out, came home and finished preparing dinner. The other night, he said he would give the dog a bath (my dog - even though we are married, it's MY dog), and he said he didn't want to. This is fine, I understand he is tired, doesn't feel like doing anything, whatever. I give the dog a bath.
Then I find out he won't be needing to drive into work for the rest of the week, so I ask him if I can have some money for gas. On Sunday, he used my car to go to work; it was on half a tank when he left and he brought it home empty, only for me to fill it up Monday morning on the way in. To which he replies, "I just gave you 60$ on Friday." I bought groceries with that money, which is something that he doesn't do. He doesn't go to the grocery store and he doesn't give me money for food. I explained that he brought home my car on empty and the following evening, he had me take him to a friends house, which was about a 60 mile round trip; he's been using my fuel as a way to get him around. He replies, "Yeah, whatever, I was going to get some percocets, but take it all. You are so f***ing annoying." So, I ask how it is that I'm annoying, and he replies, "I don't want to f***ing talk to you, get the f*** out my face."
Anyone have any feedback with similar experiences? This is not a once in a blue moon thing, he basically speaks to me like this on a regular basis. I cannot express the amount of work I do around the house or the responsibilities that I take on. I buy the groceries, cook the groceries, and keep the kitchen clean. I buy the detergent, wash the clothes, and put them away. Every bill is in my name. I buy the dog food and serve the dog food. Everything I can possibly do I do, and I don't ask for help, because if I do, he will say "no," or just cuss me out because he's in the mood to do so.
I have been away for some time, but my troubles certainly have not. I almost feel guilty for going away and not posting until I'm finally super down in the dump, but when I do post, it's an outlet, and it's really the only one I have. Thank you in advance for reading.
My husband and I have certainly had our ups and downs. He's not smoking crack anymore which is a step forward, but his DOC has become percocet, and additionally, I believe my partner is ADHD, bipolar maybe, but I'm not a psychiatrist and he refused to see one, so I can't post for certain a diagnosis. What I DO know is that he is an active prescription drug addict and I blame his mood swings on his addiction accompanied by his lack of a psychiatric evaluation for what is clearly some kind of mood disorder.
My issues are that he goes off into bouts of rage for nearly no reason. If he doesn't want to discuss something, he yells until I submit to walking into the other room. He works 7 days a week because he's financially unstable due to the amount of money he spends on street bought prescription drugs.
Today, for instance, he had a half day at work and got home around 2 PM. I arrived home from the office early due to inclement weather and continued to work in my home office. I got dinner started and asked him if he would go to the grocery store to pick up some coffee, to which replied "No, I'm comfortable here and don't want to go out." So, I went out, came home and finished preparing dinner. The other night, he said he would give the dog a bath (my dog - even though we are married, it's MY dog), and he said he didn't want to. This is fine, I understand he is tired, doesn't feel like doing anything, whatever. I give the dog a bath.
Then I find out he won't be needing to drive into work for the rest of the week, so I ask him if I can have some money for gas. On Sunday, he used my car to go to work; it was on half a tank when he left and he brought it home empty, only for me to fill it up Monday morning on the way in. To which he replies, "I just gave you 60$ on Friday." I bought groceries with that money, which is something that he doesn't do. He doesn't go to the grocery store and he doesn't give me money for food. I explained that he brought home my car on empty and the following evening, he had me take him to a friends house, which was about a 60 mile round trip; he's been using my fuel as a way to get him around. He replies, "Yeah, whatever, I was going to get some percocets, but take it all. You are so f***ing annoying." So, I ask how it is that I'm annoying, and he replies, "I don't want to f***ing talk to you, get the f*** out my face."
Anyone have any feedback with similar experiences? This is not a once in a blue moon thing, he basically speaks to me like this on a regular basis. I cannot express the amount of work I do around the house or the responsibilities that I take on. I buy the groceries, cook the groceries, and keep the kitchen clean. I buy the detergent, wash the clothes, and put them away. Every bill is in my name. I buy the dog food and serve the dog food. Everything I can possibly do I do, and I don't ask for help, because if I do, he will say "no," or just cuss me out because he's in the mood to do so.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
he will "just cuss me out because he's in the mood to do so?" He says "I don't want to f***ing talk to you, get the f*** out my face.?" He "basically speaks to me like this on a regular basis.?"
There's nothing normal about this situation. It's abuse. It's very sad. And he will continue to treat you this way as long as you allow it.
There's nothing normal about this situation. It's abuse. It's very sad. And he will continue to treat you this way as long as you allow it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
He's abusing you verbally pretty seriously I agree with you.
I think you need to rethink this situation for yourself.
You deserve better treatment, don't you think?
If my husband dropped the f bomb on me repeatedly like that
I think he'd be finding a new bankroll-supply provider, cook, cleaning slave, and ride real quick.
How are you caring for yourself here? Is this sustainable for you?
I think you need to rethink this situation for yourself.
You deserve better treatment, don't you think?
If my husband dropped the f bomb on me repeatedly like that
I think he'd be finding a new bankroll-supply provider, cook, cleaning slave, and ride real quick.
How are you caring for yourself here? Is this sustainable for you?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
He's still an active addict, whether he's using meth or percocet or any other drug. He's also a bully and he is abusing you verbally and emotionally. He treats you like a slave and has no respect for you.
I hope you can find enough self-respect to refuse to be treated this way any longer. He certainly isn't going to change and you deserve so much better.
I hope you can find enough self-respect to refuse to be treated this way any longer. He certainly isn't going to change and you deserve so much better.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it does not MATTER what is "causing" him to treat you as he does....the treatment is abusive and belittling and demeaning....unacceptable for ANY reason.
only you can decide when you've had enough. when you stop trying to give reason or excuse for his behavior.
he's still in active addiction. it will just get worse. there is nothing you can do to make him change....you have to decide what changes YOU are willing to make, or this will just continue......
only you can decide when you've had enough. when you stop trying to give reason or excuse for his behavior.
he's still in active addiction. it will just get worse. there is nothing you can do to make him change....you have to decide what changes YOU are willing to make, or this will just continue......
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Good grief, take control of your life back. You are being held mentally hostage. Addiction....asshat.... does not matter the reason...you DO NOT deserve to be treated this way. I recommend counseling FOR YOU!!
HUGS.... We stand with you...anytime!
HUGS.... We stand with you...anytime!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 73
I remember when I was in that place where I used the drugs as an excuse to my exBFs behavior. Never again. You are being verbally and emotionally abused. Run. I wish I would have. You deserve better. It is not the drugs. It is who he is.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Originally Posted by Yogagurl 
This is not a once in a blue moon thing, he basically speaks to me like this on a regular basis. I cannot express the amount of work I do around the house or the responsibilities that I take on. I buy the groceries, cook the groceries, and keep the kitchen clean. I buy the detergent, wash the clothes, and put them away. Every bill is in my name. I buy the dog food and serve the dog food. Everything I can possibly do I do, and I don't ask for help, because if I do, he will say "no," or just cuss me out because he's in the mood to do so.
Why don't you think you're worth more than this? Why don't you feel that you deserve love and respect?
I would tell him to kick rocks. I would probably have the police on hand just in case he escalated his abuse. I don't care if he's on drugs or not, there is no excuse for abusive behavior.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Dear all,
Thank you for your feedback and responses. It seems as though the psyche will submit to the ever subtle chiseling of self respect when the offender is sly and manipulative with demeaning and cruel behavior. I understand that I need to remove myself from my marriage and had planned on doing so when I moved but, because I leaked the information to his family, I was manipulated back in to letting him move with me. I thought to myself, “This is one last chance at carrying him along to try to make a better life for him; this is something I haven’t done before, maybe this will work.” And so we moved, but not far enough away from drugs that he could not find a means to use. And yes, I realize that an addict will find drugs no matter where they are. So, now the defense is, “Well, at least I’m not smoking crack anymore and I’m paying my bills; I’m not spending as much money on these as I was on the other stuff.”
And so, I find myself thinking, “Give him the benefit of the doubt; the one millionth benefit of the doubt.” What bothers me though is not the expenditure of money, it’s the side effects that come with the use: always calling around to find some, travelling sometimes 35-40-50 miles one way to score, the mood swings, the nodding off, the inability to function without the use of substance, the anxious energy that comes from using, the anxiety that comes from not having some in the drawer. Most of all, it’s the complete disregard for anything or anyone that will get in the way of using. That is what I thought has been driving the moods, the lack of respect, and the constant bickering over NOTHING.
I appreciate any experiences anyone would like to share about the domestic/verbal abuse or disregard from a spouse, loved one, etc. Hearing other people say they have gone through the same makes me feel that I am not alone, even though I hate to hear that anyone should have endured the pain that I have endured through the trip down this road of pure insanity.
Love and light,
YG
Thank you for your feedback and responses. It seems as though the psyche will submit to the ever subtle chiseling of self respect when the offender is sly and manipulative with demeaning and cruel behavior. I understand that I need to remove myself from my marriage and had planned on doing so when I moved but, because I leaked the information to his family, I was manipulated back in to letting him move with me. I thought to myself, “This is one last chance at carrying him along to try to make a better life for him; this is something I haven’t done before, maybe this will work.” And so we moved, but not far enough away from drugs that he could not find a means to use. And yes, I realize that an addict will find drugs no matter where they are. So, now the defense is, “Well, at least I’m not smoking crack anymore and I’m paying my bills; I’m not spending as much money on these as I was on the other stuff.”
And so, I find myself thinking, “Give him the benefit of the doubt; the one millionth benefit of the doubt.” What bothers me though is not the expenditure of money, it’s the side effects that come with the use: always calling around to find some, travelling sometimes 35-40-50 miles one way to score, the mood swings, the nodding off, the inability to function without the use of substance, the anxious energy that comes from using, the anxiety that comes from not having some in the drawer. Most of all, it’s the complete disregard for anything or anyone that will get in the way of using. That is what I thought has been driving the moods, the lack of respect, and the constant bickering over NOTHING.
I appreciate any experiences anyone would like to share about the domestic/verbal abuse or disregard from a spouse, loved one, etc. Hearing other people say they have gone through the same makes me feel that I am not alone, even though I hate to hear that anyone should have endured the pain that I have endured through the trip down this road of pure insanity.
Love and light,
YG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he's in full blown addiction, it wouldn't matter if he moved three towns away, three states, or to the polar ice cap. he'd find a way to use.
you thought you'd give him a chance. you did. and this is what you are now facing. NOW is the time to pull up stakes and go. to be done being abused and manipulated. to put yourself FIRST and keep yourself in that top spot. you hold the key.
you thought you'd give him a chance. you did. and this is what you are now facing. NOW is the time to pull up stakes and go. to be done being abused and manipulated. to put yourself FIRST and keep yourself in that top spot. you hold the key.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Originally Posted by Yogagurl
And so, I find myself thinking, “Give him the benefit of the doubt; the one millionth benefit of the doubt.”
Now I enjoy living in the present moment again, the past is in the past and the future is mine.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
I'm with the other two posters yogagirl--there are so many stories all over this site about what living with addicts is like, what it does to the family, and how painful it is.
I really think it is more productive for you to think about yourself and your future now.
This person is an abusive, active addict.
You've given him more than enough chances--how about giving yourself a chance too?
Take care and take care of you
I really think it is more productive for you to think about yourself and your future now.
This person is an abusive, active addict.
You've given him more than enough chances--how about giving yourself a chance too?
Take care and take care of you
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